Babel:Gv

Today's featured article

So, after I broke up with Jenna, I was thinking, you know, just because we're broken up, that doesn't mean we shouldn't share our deepest feelings with each other, right? Chicks love that emotional shit. So I wrote her this song about, you know, how much I miss her and how she makes me feel. I bet she'll be calling me any minute asking me to take her back.

PLAY>MP3

Still Hurting

And I hope you stay up nights thinkin' of me

or maybe just lose your keys

So I'm waiting by the phone for you to call

and tell me, girl, that you misplaced your keys. (more...)

Yesterday's featured article

Heartbeat 2012 is a spin-off from the popular-with-the-elderly ITV hit series Heartbeat. The writers and producers of the Heartbeat series hoped that dragging the series out of the sixties and into the near future would give it a new lease of life and hopefully “get with” the next generation audience they needed to survive. Unfortunately the series was axed last minute after the real residents of Ashfordly (rather fiecely) deemed it “unrealistic” and “too exciting”. What follows is the script from episode three (of six), the only thing salvageable from the recently torched studio.

Scene 1: Int. Police Station – day.

The police station is very quiet as the camera pans across an empty desk revealing NATHAN SOFTWOOD, a young policeman, listlessly drawing knobs in the margin of a report. The phone rings and Nathan jumps sending his pencil clattering to the floor. He looks at the phone like he’s unsure wither or not to bother answering. Eventually he picks up the receiver.

Nathan: Hello?... You need everyone down there immediately? There’s a RIOT!? FANTASTIC – I’ll be right there! I, mean yes, sir, it’s awful. Right away, sir. (more...)

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What were we getting up too in past years, Arghhhh!

July 6: Man Milk Day

• 2300 BC - Chinese religious officers declared that drinking milk is a sin.
• 1609 - Bohemia is granted freedom of religion. The Bohemians snap their fingers in approval.
• 1732 - The 'Running of the Bulls' Festival in Pamploma, originally, 'The Drowning of the Animals' Festival, undergoes Major overhaul. PETA established.
• 1946 - George W. Bush born; record numbers of brain death recorded in America.
• 1977 - Idiot deems day "Man Milk Day" and proceeds to schedule lame events (Editor advises they read the article "How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid")
• 1978 - Margaret Thatcher blesses the first man to be milked.
• 1986 - Mike Portnoy founded the band Dream Theater
• 1988 - Shemales riot near Rio de Janeiro to obtain the rights for selling their milk to earn a living.
• 1996 - Mike Portnoy travels back in time to found the band Dream Theater
• 2004 - Man Milk is found to be an excellent source of energy for athletes. Naturally, using it in this fashion is outlawed by the U.N. under pressure by the Gatorade overlords of the universe.
• 2006 - San Seattle Riot kills 6 Caloringtons

Archived doings

What be worrying the Land Lubbers

• The thirteen colonies of America have defeated your empire soundly

• Recession is over! Thanks to M.J.

• Puffins involved in Cocked up MI6 global warming investigation

• Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden is the new Grim Reaper. (Pictured)

• Conspiracy: Michael Jackson not dead, M.J. Phone Home

• Grim Reaper commits suicide after massive week of celebrity deaths

• Some old guy died, or something (ask your parents)

• Michael Jackson dies! Also Farrah Fawcett

• Obama Unveils Ambitious New Tit Access Package.

• McMahon fires Trump, dies.

• Glastonbury Festival Survival Tactics

• UnNews exclusive!! The God Interview

• U.N. recognizes WalMart

• Dick Dastardly to Join Formula 1

• UnNews:Obama swats a fly, causing the death of future maggot

Pirate Times

Arghh, I'll wagger you didn't know that...

From Uncyclopedia's roughest captains:

• ...that Old Tech is the name given to the latest trend in high technology?

Read More

Recent press ganged crew

UnBooks:Daddy, There's a Zombie in the Garden | HowTo:Interrupt Serious News Broadcasts | UnScripts:A Vignette From Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater | UnScripts:Trapped at Sea | UnBooks:Alibaba And The Forty Bikers | Why?:The Long Face? | Emo rap | Bland Gift Manual, Prison City(rw)| Refugee Camp | LazyTown (rw) | Consumer Reports | Left 4 Dead (rw) | Call from Grandma | Wild Bill Hickok | UnBooks:The Autobiography of Jesus of Nazareth | UnScripts:Heartbeat 2012 | Alternative Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous | Writing (rw) | High school: an essay by an old lonely man in a retirement home‎ | Surgeon General's Warning | UnTunes:I Will Possess Your Log | Aunt Ginny’s Saturday afternoon lunch at Bob Evans | Antbortion (rw) | Forest Whitaker's Lazy Eye | UnBooks:Michael Phelps Makes Me Sick |

More Recently press-ganged crew | Most wanted pirates | Requested Keel Haulings | Add to stumps | Marooned with nowt but a pistol and one shot | Help out the land-lubbers

Pirate of the Month and Swabbie of the Month

Stirling 1297. As the clans gathered to chase away the English hordes, spirits were low and the grim Scotsmen scanned the seemingly never ending English battlement lines. "So Connor" said of the clans chiefs "Tonight we go to the great distillery in the sky?". "Aye Duncan, I don't see what other option we have. What with that wanker William Wallace and his lackeys. Look how pale the lad is! I hope they have some good Scottish single malts up there, not that pansy blend the Irish drink". ...And suddenly, a single horn blurted out its war song, one which suspiciously resembled the yet-to-be-written tune of YMCA. A brilliant figure appears on top of the cliff, its hair marvelously done, its kilt colorful and freshly pressed, its great sword adorned with flowers. The figure lifted the sword above its head with a seductive wave and all the clansmen cheered in a surprisingly harmonious contralto. "Connor, who in the name of Mrs. McCormick's haggis is that?" "That, Duncan, is Sir Orian Mc57, lord of the merry clans of the North, and the most fearsome warrior of the highlands. Our victory is now assured!" "Oi, Brian, look here. That must be the King of the Scots" whispered one of the English lords. "How do you reckon?" "Because he hasn't got shit all over him".

Welcome! Welcome sirs to our haunted house! We're pleased to start this open day to introduce you to the never ending possibilities in owning such a house. Let me introduce you to some of our residents. The stove lights by its own on undetermined intervals. It tends to burn your food every now and then, but its a great party trick. Oh! Oh! and the shower! The shower! It's alternating between bitter cold and hellishly warm! You can show off your alternating heat/cold burns! No? Hmmm. Oh! Oh! in the bedroom you keep hearing wails of anguish in Albanian! No? The phone keeps ringing collect to Transylvania? The piano keeps playing Richard Clayderman day and night? The TV plays season three of "are you being served?" constantly? Oh! Oh! The staircase! the staircase! He's writing high quality literature! That must worth something! No? Please don't go! I'll play some Clayderman for you!

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