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Today's Featured Article - UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market

GazaWater1

SAFED, Palestine - U.S. President Barack Obama signed an agreement with Palestinean President Mahmoud Abbas today to trade in the processing of the region's urban rubble, having failed to reach any agreement to stop creating it.

The so-called Trans-Palestinian Partnership will gradually phase out tariffs, duties, inspections, and the role of the U.S. Congress in the movement of Grade A broken concrete blocks across national boundaries.

It was non-alcoholic beverages and mild gratitude to Allah as Mr. Abbas and Mr. Obama publically declared that a Palestine/US economic future "is buried firmly in the trenchant rubble that plagues our streets."

In a candid interview on Israel TV, Mr. Obama said he has thrown in the towel on a peace agreement between Israel and a Palestinian state, as he could hardly get his head around the Wikipedia entry, let alone reason with Abbas. Mr. Obama said at least all parties were better off with a financial agreement in the raw-materials sector.

The employment rate in Palestine also increased by 0.6%, as tens of Palestinians rushed to join the President's new "Palestinian Rubble Liberation Union (PRLU)". At the same time, a "Fatah Debris and General Workers Union" was formed to protect the PRLU Union members from the PRLU, and a "Hamas Union of Fragments" to protect the already established Islamic Rubble Movement. (more...)

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Lest we forget

Will Smith Day (USA)

July 4: Will Smith Day (USA), American Independence Day (most other countries)

  • 2000 BC - An ageing Conan the Barbarian notices that his thews aren't as mighty as they used to be. Depressed, he eats a carton of ice-cream, and washes it down with bourbon.
  • 993 - Saint Skeet Ulrich of Augsburg canonized. Unfortuantely, they used too much powder and he overshot the catch net.
  • 1776 - King George III receives a letter from the colonies; throws it out thinking that it's yet another menu from a pizza restaurant.
  • 1862 - Abraham Lincoln proclaims an end to the American Civil War. He waits a moment, then yells "Psych!"
  • 1917 - American troops in Flanders attempt to recreate the famous Christmas Truce of 1914 by holding a 4th of July barbeque in No Man's Land. The results are predictable.
  • 1969 - Birth of Will Smith. The world rejoices. Warring forces in Vietnam, Czechoslovakia and Detroit lay down their arms, and join together in ushering in the new Golden Age of Mankind.
  • 1996 - Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum save the world by infecting the alien mothership with a computer virus, thus continuing the time-honored tradition of infections saving the world from aliens. Will Smith tries to take all the credit, but Jeff Goldblum threatens to sic his Jewish father on him.
  • 1997 - Will Smith Day becomes an official worldwide celebration.
  • 2007 - You sit at a computer. Why not go outside and get some fresh air? And watch the stars, the sky, and that huge metal ball that somehow didn't hit that comet but changed his path towards you? Yeah, it's following you. Get an umbrella or go to the subways.
  • 2013 - Osama bin Laden is caught by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris proceeds to sodomize Osama's dead body.

Ye Royal Archives


Paddington Blair's word for today is
procrastination
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.

Auntie Beeb reports:


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More Current Events at Beeb News


Did you chaps know...

  • ...that The Oldest Trick in the Book is the infamous "Tapping on a person's left shoulder when you're standing on their right"? This trick was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia.

edit Do you blimey care...


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United Empire Loyalist of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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