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Today's Featured Article - The Doctor is IN

The doctor is in

The twin colossi of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, were two of a kind; bearded nineteenth century, middle European poop-obsessives. It is no surprise, therefore, that for many the standard image of the psychoanalyst is of a heavily accented pervert who assumes his own deviant sexual interest in his mother is universal. Had Jung and Freud been the only model of the Psychoanalyst it seems unlikely that the profession would ever have gained the high esteem that it holds today in modern USA. For that a more approachable, more wholesome, more American Psychoanalyst would be required. But who could fill the role?

Until the early 1900’s the only advice available to those several shots short of a piss-up was to pull themselves together and not make a scene (still the standard prescription for British sufferers of scrambled synapse syndrome). Following the publication of Freud’s masterpiece “Ihre Mutter” (Your Mom), however, the nation was awash with professionals expensively inviting you to blame yourself for your problems and to enrol yourself on a thirty month course of “talking therapy”. Who but the wealthy could afford bad advice at $100 an hour? The profession seemed about to founder when the late 1950s saw the arrival of Doctor Lucille Van Pelt, dispenser of bad advice for a mere five cents a session.

Despite a lack of formal qualifications beyond Grade School within years Van Pelt had diagnosed the mental issues of her fellow Peanuts co-stars and realised the pain behind the smiles of so many others who are paid to entertain us in the burgeoning cartoon industry. The Doctor was IN. (more...)

Recently featured: Bluestocking - Town meeting

Yesterday's Featured Article - Bluestocking

Bluestocking01

The Bluestockings were a group of lesbians from the 18th century with foot fetishes who had a discreet code for recognising each other—wearing blue stockings—hence their society's title. Just like many other societies of the modern era, the group had certain criteria that were to be checked for and met during the prospective bluestocking's initiation ceremony: a prestigious education, literacy, a state of good birth, a substantial lot of money and some measure of political influence were always considered by the madams who admit new members, but these were not nearly as important as the possession of a vagina dentata, at least 10cm² of pubic hair, a sworn hatred of her husband, an apartment large enough to have an orgy in and a pair of blue stockings.

The founding of the society by "Queen of the Blues" Bessie Smith in 1748 was said to be a woman's answer to the ever-growing popularity of the Gentleman's Club, where respectable homosexual gentlemen would frolic and read newspapers. Other than doing dominatrix-related antics, the ladies would read the classics such as Virgil or Homer, discuss politics (local issues such as refuse collection lapses or corruption within the ranks of refuse collectors), and lament upon how awful Edward Gibbon was in the sack. (more...)

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Lest we forget

Drunken knife fight

September 30: (Formerly) Lol-iday of Italy., Get in a Drunken Knife Fight Day, Pastafarian New Year.

  • 903 BC - The Game spins itself into existence and makes you LOSE!
  • 1399 - Burt Lancaster deposed Richard Burton to become Henry IV, King of England.
  • 1452 - First printed book, the Johann Gutenberg Bible followed closely by The Girls of Gutenberg Press and The Gutenberg Bible, lingerie edition.
  • 1677 - Lol-iday was first proclaimed on the planet of Italy.
  • 1679 - The last occurance of Lol-iday, due to the forced slavery of the Umpalepuanians by Caesar.
  • 1702 - First all female orgy is held in Greece.
  • 1813 - Battle of Bárbula: Simón Bolívar defeats Santiago Bobadilla in a drunken knife fight.
  • 1890 - HMS Bounceout, the first underwater vessel to be powered entirely on Orange juice was launched.
  • 1911 - Sir Barnabas Poleaxe discovers Belgium
  • 1924 - World Snooker Championship played in New York for the first time, Stock Market crashes afterward.
  • 1925 - Ski-jumping was born in Lithuania.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin get caught in a Chinese thumb-trap. Reconsider global strategy and make pact of non-agression accordingly.
  • 1941 - Adolf and Joe free themselves from the thumb-trap after exactly two years. Decide ass-kicking is on the cards again.
  • 1947 - The World Series, featuring New York Yankees and the Brooklyn Dodgers, is televised for the first time.
  • 1949 - The Berlin Airlift ends after millions of cubic feet of air were successfully transported to Berlin.
  • 1955 - James Dean gets drunk, tries to get in a knife fight with oncoming car.
  • 1984 - After Earths Transit of Mars The African Republic Upper Volta Changes it's name to Mars Volta
  • 1986 - The Welsh are scientifically proven to be Charles Darwin's missing link
  • 2000 - Lol-iday is celebrated in Paris. Rioting ensues.

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United Empire Loyalist of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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