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Northern translation:Ey up luv! Get yers arse on t' Uncyclopedia, before Tom, Dick or Arry do or ye gunner get a thrapin'!

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Colonisations for the week include Canada, Newfoundland, Australia and New Zealand. Rule Britannia!


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Orbit

When an object is "placed into orbit", the deepest foundations of our commonsense view of the world unravel, and the inexorable power of compound interest takes hold.
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Today's Featured Article -

Recently featured: Violet Jessop

Yesterday's Featured Article - Violet Jessop

Violet Jessop
Violet Constance Jessop was a ship stewardess and nurse dubbed "Miss Unsinkable" after surviving three major ship accidents including the sinkings of RMS Titanic and HMHS Britannic. Controversy surrounds her as to whether she was a Jonah, a curse to any ship she was aboard, or someone possessing incredible luck. Survival experts argue to this day over who was the better floater: Jessop, The Unsinkable Molly Brown or your bog-standard duck. Several experts point to Jessop's floaty bits as being key to her survival. Other historians note that the first liner she left, RMS Olympic, became a remarkably adept survivor by shrugging off collisions with 3 major vessels, a torpedo attack and a hentai assault by a kraken. Further, they are of the opinion that her powers, whatever those might have been, would have qualified her to join the Golden Age version of the Justice League of America. (more...)

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Lest we forget

Chitlins

May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)

  • 2000 BCE - Moses opens first Piggly Wiggly supermarket with the goal of "bringin' chitterlings to all my peeps!"
  • 402 BCE - The towel is invented, to protect oneself from the great LUEshi rampage.
  • 14 BCE - Leeroy Jenkins declares, "At least I still have chicken."
  • 1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
  • 1840 - Oscar Wilde kills Lord Byron in what was billed as the Spat in the Flat.
  • 1852 - The knowledge of towel making is mysteriously lost. Pandemonium ensues for the next three decades.
  • 1895 - Playwright, poet and novelist Oscar Wilde is convicted of "committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons" and sentenced to serve two years in prison. He comments: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine", a line later shamelessly plagarized by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
  • 1936 - Hitler starts the Funky Panzer dance craze, which begins to take Europe by storm.
  • 1942 - Helen G. White announces that the end of the world was postponed once again due to rain.
  • 1955 - Hyenas take over french government.
  • 1977 - God creates Funk.
  • 1978 - And He saw it was goooooood.
  • 1980 - Towels are rediscovered.
  • 1982 - Pac Man Fever kills 20 million Americans in just a few weeks.
  • 1987 - Marijuana becomes the most cultivated plant ever, displacing the potatoe from top one for a few weeks.
  • 1993 - AB Logic are found guilty of crimes against music and are condemned to death by choking on artichokes.
  • 2001 - International "Hug a Goombie" Day founded
  • 2002 - Mutant Goombie children are found in a puddle. Government and other such officials blamed.
  • 2003 - In the first smart move made ever by a government, governments everywhere are officially disbanded.
  • 2007 - Jerry Springer attacked by trailer park midgets.

Ye Royal Archives


Paddington Blair's word for today is
armor
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.

United Empire Loyalist of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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