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Today's Featured Article - Kwanzaa

What the Hell is Kwanzaa?

What the Hell is Kwanzaa? I'll tell you what it is, fool. It's a holiday for people of color, because we ain't got one of our own in this racist country. Christmas? Christmas is for Whitey! Ever heard the song "White Christmas"? No? You deaf? You from Mongolia? They play that shit two straight months every year! Even Martin Luther King Day don't belong to us anymore, ya dig? White man says MLK "belongs to everybody". We say "fuck that shit, honky". Kwanzaa is an effort to right one of the of the many wrongs perpetrated against our people for the past four hundred years. You heard me. Whitey jacked MLK, so we jacked Christmas!

Say, tell me more about this "Kwanzaa".

Maulana Karenga invented Kwanzaa, saying "[the goal of Kwanzaa is to] give Blacks an alternative to the existing holiday and...an opportunity to celebrate themselves and history, rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society." That's just my man's way of saying "I will not bow down before you and celebrate your holidays! So fuck you!" in a way that you smooth-tongued White Devils could understand. He took the name for Kwanzaa from a Swahili phrase, matunda ya kwanza, meaning "hands off, bitch!" He said that Christianity was a religion of evil oppressors that African people should shun like the Devil. You know what else he said? He said Jesus was psychotic. That motha was hard-core, know what I mean? (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - A Victorian Gentleman's Guide to the Trivialities of Courtship

Johnson! My fine fellow, I haven't seen you since the Boer War! Bah, we must have made a glorious slaughter of those Dutchies in the Jungle eh? Ha Ha Ha, please, sir, sit down!

Why the long face? What's this you say, you're having trouble with Women-folk? Oh dear Johnson, oh dear oh dear. Still, Stiff upper lip, or should I say Stiff lower member? Ha Ha Ha, that is the problem I assume Old boy?

What! Speak up man!, you're not some mumbling Frisian I do hope! Do you walk around in wooden shoes? Do you spend your evenings getting baked, then calling directory enquiries, asking for the number to directory enquiries? HA. No, I didn't think so. You're BRITISH man! My God, speak up for the love of all that is gloriously pompous!

Well...

I hope you haven't been seeing those China-women Johnson. Oh Johnson you old rascal! You picked up an oriental venereal disease, didn't you? Oh there's no shame in it ole sport. Quite the rage. Come on man, whip it out, I'll see what I can do, come on don't be a shy old Aunt ... (more...)

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Lest we forget

• 12,000 BC - Og the caveman wears a Ramones t-shirt despite having never heard them, making him the world's first poser.
• 10,000 BC - Blue eyed bitch is saved by mastodons and or mammoths really who cares it was a terrible movie. oh yeah , there was a sabertooth tiger!!!!1
• 274 BC - The first step towards capturing a unicorn is taken - finding a virgin.
• 137 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, That's My Arc, officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
• 1514 - Fred Astaire announces, "Jesus is a foo'." Angry fans eat records and quickly find that vinyl is addictive.
• 1676 - The Simpsons stops being funny.
• 1851 - Oscar Wilde appears on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
• 1851 - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Is cancelled.
• 1967 - A giant rat gives birth to Michael Bolton.
• 1934 - Ban on oak, termites allergic.
• 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Foos Babaganoush finally finds Stalin's cheese grater.
• 2001 - Snoop Doggy Dog is misteriously murded by one of his bitches. "Faw Shizzle" ~ Replies Rapper R Kelly
• 2005 - AOL frisbees become popular
• 2006 - 400th birthday of the pevlic thrust! Show us how it's done!
• 2007 - non huffable kitten the movie:god attacks! is released
• 2008 - Due to the hatrid of people who watch Grey's Anatomy Insted of The Office and Scrubs, James Madison kills every person who watches that show.
• 2010 - The Cleavland Show is a huge success and Family Guy is canceled.
• 2010 - Dr Cow is feted for surviving 50 years
• 2014 - Tom Cruz loses all hope of being a legendary hero and returns to his home world.
• 2035 - TV show Lost renewed again. Critics complain about the lack of new content. The critics' critics complain about the same thing. 24 follows suit.
• 2460 - Axe deodorant officially banned from the United States. The first good decision ever made by a president.
• 2660 - Pedo Bear gives birth to M.i.L.F Bear

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Auntie Beeb reports:

• South Korea to chemically decapitate serial kisser

• Hit squad from the future fails to assassinate Suzanne Collins

• Facebook on the verge of Wall Street collapse? (pictured)

• University of Tex Ass promotes new academic program

• NATO affirms Afghan drawdown, warm fuzzy feelings

• Mark Zuckerberg updates status to 'married'

• "Suddenly French Resistance" destroys net censorship

• Global warming found to be a lie!

• US national debt is owed to whom?

• Police investigate "bizarre incidents" at Walmart

• California woman recovers from severe burns

• Man buys Kmart just to get rid of its "shoddy" merchandise

• "To the Moon for real this time!", says Obama

• Bogus hooker sells sex in Mississippi

• Motorist hits moose, forgets collision

More Current Events at Beeb News

Did you chaps know...

• ...that you can sit and try and think of a good Did You Know for 20 minutes and still end up just writing this?

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Recent dispatches from the colonies:

Carlos Gardel | Horny | Classified ads of HISTORY TODAY | A Victorian Gentleman's Guide to the Trivialities of Courtship | Attila the Hun | What To Do When Gypsies Steal Your Carrots | Asparagus Syndrome | Astronaut | Bhagavad-gita | Newt Gingrich | Confidence | Resident Evil | Why?:College is for suckers! | DuMont Television Network | India | Earth's Children | Silent movie | UnReviews:Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close | UnScripts:Titanic Wireless Transmissions Conspiracy | Ferocious Flesh-Eating Feet | Rick Santorum | Badger badger badger | Counting to potato | Suddenly, Zombiebaron | RMS Olympic | Above Top Secret | RMS Titanic | Cow tipping (rw) | Laugh track | Formula One | Wind generators

More recent dispatches | Most wanted ruffians | Rubbish to patch up | A penny for the old Guy | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about...

United Empire Loyalist of the Month

The dancing banana Shabidoo stepped up to the plate and joined all the other fruits to be honoured with Writer of the Month in April. He is the author of works like HowTo:Make Breakfast Dew (For Women), Ozone, Nothing is permanent and Mahjong. Shabido is a keen collaborator with others and an organiser of events, so perhaps we can see a future career path for this particular Uncyclopedian. Shabido is also a regular contributor to 'my two cents worth' style of forums (in a good way) and has yet to swap unbridled enthusiasm for world weary cynicism that is a mark of some of the veteran contributors to this site. Shine on Shabidoo until that banana stops dancing to the music of time...(as isn't it time you got off that computer and come and talk to the rest of your family?).

No longer is this 'Noob of the Month' but 'Noob of the Moment. We all have our moments, certainly in our later years. This April three Noobs are honoured. Now that there is no time limit on 'noobery', these three have been honoured this month. First to get our notice was XDshempXD, a self described Mexican enduring life in the USA. What's more, XDShempXD is a woman, yes to all you short trousered wearers and code kiddies, a girl has come to your party! So behave now and wash your faces more often. XDshempXD (can we call you Shempy??) has been here since the middle of 2011 and has brought with her stories with a more more Latin American flavour. So now we have articles like UnBooks:Sexually suggestive songs by Roberto Carlos which confused me as I thought it was about an ex-Brazilian football player but is indeed someone closer to home for her. Our second Noob of the Moment is Alpha Quintesson. He has gravitated to what I like to call the 'sharp end' of Uncyclopedia, rooting out and alerting the dinosaur speedy admins here about some nasty little vandals trying to upset the organised, efficient work processes here. I hope he can also find time to write a bit more as well. Finally there is Mockingbird ST. What the ST stands remains a mystery... or no one has asked him as yet (probably the latter). It's a great user name all the same though perhaps some people may want to kill him for literary title reasons. I hope not, otherwise we would not have articles like Counting to potato to consider. Like receiving a carriage clock, a ticket to the ballet or a new set of teeth, the monthly award for general all round usefulness is a recognition that this user is now reaching a pinnacle... or is that a Pinocchio of achievement. In April the community voted in favour of Funnybony. For those who don't know 'FB', he has been one of this site's most prolific of authors. His user page is almost groaning under the weight of his many works but something isn't so well known, FB is one of the most generous, and genuine guys here. FB likes to talk, work with other people and even if you don't vote in favour of one his works, FB remains a model of politeness. He is also a friend of Jeff Beck and was really there in the 1960s when music became the cultural phenomena of that decade. Funnybony doesn't need to be here, he could be sitting on a verandah drinking or meditating or both but instead he likes to write for fun. Uncyclopedia has certainly benefitted from his output. What more can I, or we, say about that. Now... Funnybony, do really want that clock...? Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners Uncyclopedia International/اللاموسوعة العالمية/Uncyclopedia Internacional/国际アンサイクロペディア/国際偽基百科/국제백괴사전/Internationale Uncyclopedia/Uncyclopedia διεθνές/Uncyclopedia Международное/Uncyclopedia Internazionale/Kansainvälinen Uncyclopedia/Uncyclopedia Internasjonal/Internationella Uncyclopedia Hooray! World Peace! Let us all stand in a circle and dance! For haggis-related IRC chat, see this instructional video. Protected by the Fair Use Clause, the Royal Navy and an elite clan of Beefeaters. God save the Queen!