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Today's featured article

Name: George W. Peterson
Location: Chilly Parts of Scotland
Bio: Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.

Following 294

Followers 1007

Saturday May 3rd

Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?

13:35pm May 3rd from web

Have got to start preparing for new arrival!

14:21pm May 3rd from web

Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has OCD. Any ideas for names?

16:09pm May 3rd from web

Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?

16:23pm May 3rd from web

Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?

16:25pm May 3rd from web (more...)

Yesterday's featured article

Jim Jarmusch is not a filmmaker. He is an artist who happens to make films. If you have ever seen a Jarmusch film—and the chances are that you have not because normal theaters can't bear the weight of his brilliance and his films are rarely ever seen except by privileged smart people—and you did not consider it the pinnacle of cinematic artistic genius, then you are a moron.

You are not worthy.

Early life

Jarmusch was born in black and white silence, from very early on uncannily resembling Nick Cave with grey hair. His father made wry jokes in which timing and ensuing silence contributed more to the humor than the punch line.

As a child, he was stuck permanently in a corner of his parents house reading Kerouac. When he was a little older, he became dreadfully disillusioned, and set out on the road, usually with two other characters, making his way to some destination or other for no considerable reason.(more...)

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Lest we forget

July 9: International "Hug a Zombie" Day (frighteningly pictured on right)

• 3000 B.C. - Egyptians introduce Hug a Zombie Day when depressed, long-buried Egyptian soldiers rise from the grave and demand love.
• 31 - Jesus raises Lazarus from dead and proceeds to hug him, re-instating the Hug a Zombie Holiday, which had not been celebrated since the Great Zombie Rising of 455 BC.
• 1984 - Margaret Thatcher becomes the first zombie ever to hold public office in Britain.
• 1985 - A new age for Zombiekind is ushered in as a number of prominent zombies appear in a music video tribute to a decaying career. Unfortunatly due to copyright laws we are unable to name the artist.
• 1993 - U.S. President Bill Clinton celebrates Hug a Zombie Day by allowing a zombie to read from Oscar Wilde's collection A House of Pomegranates during his weekly radio address.
• 1998 - Several Brooklyn residents are bitten by zombies that they tried to hug. Roughly 2 weeks later, they went to some random place and caused what is now known as The "Racoon City Incident".
• 2013 - Hug a Zombie Day is re-instated after a ten-year zombie shortage. Unfortunately, the world ended in 2012, leaving only zombies behind, who are forced to hug each other.

Ye Royal Archives

Auntie Beeb reports:

• Man suffers caffeine underdose (Pictured)

• I drank too much and now my head is sore pictured

• The thirteen colonies of America have defeated your empire soundly

• Recession is over! Thanks to M.J.

• Puffins involved in Cocked up MI6 global warming investigation

• Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden is the new Grim Reaper. (Pictured)

• Conspiracy: Michael Jackson not dead, M.J. Phone Home

• Grim Reaper commits suicide after massive week of celebrity deaths

• Some old guy died, or something (ask your parents)

• Michael Jackson dies! Also Farrah Fawcett

• Obama Unveils Ambitious New Tit Access Package.

• McMahon fires Trump, dies.

• Glastonbury Festival Survival Tactics

• UnNews exclusive!! The God Interview

• U.N. recognizes WalMart

More Current Events at Beeb News

Did you chaps know...

Do you blimey care...

• ...that being safe with guns is- *BANG*

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Recent dispatches from the colonies:

Michelle Obama | Study of the nature of male sexual orientation | UnBooks:Daddy, There's a Zombie in the Garden | HowTo:Interrupt Serious News Broadcasts | UnScripts:A Vignette From Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater | UnScripts:Trapped at Sea | UnBooks:Alibaba And The Forty Bikers | Why?:The Long Face? | Emo rap | Bland Gift Manual, Prison City| Refugee Camp | LazyTown (rw) | Consumer Reports | Left 4 Dead (rw) | Call from Grandma | Wild Bill Hickok | UnBooks:The Autobiography of Jesus of Nazareth | UnScripts:Heartbeat 2012 | Alternative Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous | Writing (rw) | High school: an essay by an old lonely man in a retirement home‎ | Surgeon General's Warning | UnTunes:I Will Possess Your Log | Aunt Ginny’s Saturday afternoon lunch at Bob Evans

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United Empire Loyalist of the Month

Stirling 1297. As the clans gathered to chase away the English hordes, spirits were low and the grim Scotsmen scanned the seemingly never ending English battlement lines. "So Connor" said of the clans chiefs "Tonight we go to the great distillery in the sky?". "Aye Duncan, I don't see what other option we have. What with that wanker William Wallace and his lackeys. Look how pale the lad is! I hope they have some good Scottish single malts up there, not that pansy blend the Irish drink". ...And suddenly, a single horn blurted out its war song, one which suspiciously resembled the yet-to-be-written tune of YMCA. A brilliant figure appears on top of the cliff, its hair marvelously done, its kilt colorful and freshly pressed, its great sword adorned with flowers. The figure lifted the sword above its head with a seductive wave and all the clansmen cheered in a surprisingly harmonious contralto. "Connor, who in the name of Mrs. McCormick's haggis is that?" "That, Duncan, is Sir Orian Mc57, lord of the merry clans of the North, and the most fearsome warrior of the highlands. Our victory is now assured!" "Oi, Brian, look here. That must be the King of the Scots" whispered one of the English lords. "How do you reckon?" "Because he hasn't got shit all over him".

Welcome! Welcome sirs to our haunted house! We're pleased to start this open day to introduce you to the never ending possibilities in owning such a house. Let me introduce you to some of our residents. The stove lights by its own on undetermined intervals. It tends to burn your food every now and then, but its a great party trick. Oh! Oh! and the shower! The shower! It's alternating between bitter cold and hellishly warm! You can show off your alternating heat/cold burns! No? Hmmm. Oh! Oh! in the bedroom you keep hearing wails of anguish in Albanian! No? The phone keeps ringing collect to Transylvania? The piano keeps playing Richard Clayderman day and night? The TV plays season three of "are you being served?" constantly? Oh! Oh! The staircase! the staircase! He's writing high quality literature! That must worth something! No? Please don't go! I'll play some Clayderman for you!

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