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The 2009 Top Ten Articles Extravaganza!

The Bourne Pottery Class is the fourth film in the popular Jason Bourne series, starring Matt Damon. The film tells the epic tale of Jason Bourne, the ex-CIA assassin, as he enrolls in a pottery class and learns to make ceramic pots and pans. The film was hailed by critics as "one of the most thrilling depictions of ceramic plate-making since the James Bond movie from the '80s, 'The Spy who Helped Glaze my Clay Vase.'"

The film picks up directly where the last installment, the Bourne Ultimatum, left off--with Jason Bourne swimming in a New York river after falling approximately eight miles from a nearby skyscraper Bourne swims to the shore and sees a building marked "Mrs. Wheeler's Pottery School." He walks inside, as extremely loud, guitar-driven industrial music plays in the background. The camera shakes dramatically as the first of many exhilarating sequences begins. Bourne tries to enroll in the class, but Mrs. Wheeler (Winona Ryder) wants to charge him $20 an hour. He says this is outrageous. As they argue, the camera shakes violently to the point that it is no longer possible to tell what is going on onscreen because it is an incomprehensible blur. (more...)

The 2009 Top Ten Articles Extravaganza!

"This is one small step for a gentleman; Rather too much for working class types, I fear."

With these words Commodore Terrence Lambert-Simnel (RN retired) became the first man to set foot on the moon. Moments later Group Captain Perkin "Tubby" Warbeck planted the Union Jack in the moon-dust and claimed Earth's only natural satellite for England, for King George and for tax-purposes. Flight Lieutenant Gerald "Stinky" Rawlings stood to attention and saluted through tear-stained eyes from the confines of the command module "Heart of Oak", unable to take part in the actual landing due to a grammar school education.

The story of how these two brave men and their batman came to be 400,000 kilometres from the nearest tea-shop is one of the most inspiring and yet little known tales in modern history.

In 1948 British Pathe News began an innovative documentary series following Group Captain Perkin Warbeck as he began an exciting voyage into the unknown. These short features were shown around the Empire. Following the succesful moon landing the short features were editted into the Oscar winning feature "Shoot for the Stars" (more...)

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Selected anniversaries

February 9: International Tourettes Day

• 1012 - Anglo-Saxons tell the Normans to BUTT-HEAD their BUTT-HEAD with a BUTT-HEAD.
• 1066 - In the Battle of Hastings, BUTT-HEAD happens.
• 1222 - BUTT-HEAD.
• 1492 - Christopher Columbus begins his first journey across the Atlantic, and gets BUTT-HEAD.
• 1812 - Canada and The United States go to BUTT-HEAD war. Nobody notices.
• 1994 - I was born
• 2005 - After placing her pen on the table, Keira Knightley was then seen to BUTT-HEAD fall asleep.
• 2008 - Steve BUTT-HEAD Ballmer plans not to FUCKING KILL™ people, but to BUTT-HEADING KILL™ them instead.
• 2009 - Dick Cheney dies. BUTT-HEAD.

Archived Anniversaries

In the news

• Computer security consultant hacks the chip that PCs use to prevent hacking.
• Panic! At the NYSE (pictured)

• Saints defeat Obama in the hearts of the American people.

• In Connecticut power-plant explosion, accurate figures elude reporters.
• G-7 ministers, their influence waning, meet in a remote Arctic village.
• 2010 football Super Bowl will feature platitudes and advertisements.
• Intense racial tensions escalate into Warfare.
• Entire Toyota board commits Hara-Kiri.
• Ex-Idol accused of sodomy.
• U.S. Olympian Lindsey Vonn is a talented skier. I think. Oh my god!

• Australian federal court judge is an absolute kookaburra turd

• Residents of Massachusetts are despondent as someone other than a Kennedy takes office.
• Another school massacre by pint-sized Dylan Klebold copycat narrowly avoided.

• Banker in softcore porn controversy.
• Michael Jackson's doctor refuses to go quietly, takes vacation to Columbia.

• UK government unveils Shatter-proof Pint. The Irish rejoice.

More Current Events at UnNews News

Did you know...

From Uncyclopedia's biggest morons:

• ...that a coping saw is used to overcome weight loss, alcoholism, and gambling addictions?

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Hail my lord! We have two worthy candidates to carry thy banner of infinite humor. But we cannot make a decision between those two brave knights. Tell me about these fine knights. Tell me about their armor. Tell me about their wit. Tell me about their musculature. Tell me about their chastity belts. My lord, you're drooling. slurp apologies, good minister. But do tell! Well, my lord, one is infinitely strange. He looks at you strangely from his red eyes. He carries sacks of evil smelling herbs and mumbles in strange languages. I think he might be a powerful shaman. Once, he even turned me into a newt! ...A newt? Err..sorry...wrong story. The other champion is seems quite able. He's tall, handsome, wears an armor of white scales and wields a six foot sword. ...A six foot sword?! My lord, you're drooling again. Ah yes, my apologies once more. So do tell, have they passed all the tests? Yes my lord. The gauntlet? The 100 meter burning coal dash? The piranha nude swimming? The walrus head bashing? The trivial pursuit - Bush edition? All of those my lords. They've even done the anal probe. Well I'll be damned! That makes is a very difficult decision. Hmmm....hmmm....hmmm... My lord? Shut up. I'm thinking. Hmmm...hmmm...hmmm....Tell you what. We'll keep them both. That's very unorthodox. True, but there's nothing in the book that says otherwise, right? Yes...but... Good! It's settled! Send the tall muscular one to my chambers. Make sure he takes a bath first.

noob@Uncyclopedia ~$ KILL UNCYCLOPEDIA bash:kill Uncyclopedia is evil. arguments invalid (and pointless). noob@Uncyclopedia ~$ su password: KILL UNCYCLOPEDIA root@uncyclopedia# KILL UNCYCLOPEDIA bash:Uncyclopedia killing not allowed. root@uncyclopedia# Obey me, for I am root! bash:You'll have to do better than that. LisaKachold password: UNIXGoddess bash: WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY! ALL HAIL LISA! LisaKachold@uncyclopedia # KILL UNCYCLOPEDIA bash:Program terminated ▋

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