The Declaration of Gin-Dependence is an historically meaningless piece of parchment signed by thirteen of the foremost town drunks in a local tavern on the outskirts of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, just before the outbreak of the American Revolution. It is just like the famous Declaration of Independence except that it was signed in a pub by a small group of inconsequential, inebriated alcoholics rather than by dozens of the foremost citizens and statesmen of the American Colonies in a formal house of government. The two Declarations are also exactly alike except that the Declaration of Gin-Dependence hinges on irrational fear and mental impairment caused by physiological substance addiction, as opposed to impaired judgment and irrational fear caused by exposure to taxation without representation. Other than that, they have nothing in common.
All thirteen of the habitual drinkers who signed the Declaration of Gin-Dependence were part of the regular crowd that gathered every evening at Tom's Alehouse just off the Quaker Turnpike. At nine o'clock on a Saturday night early in 1776, each of the thirteen men drank two bottles of gin and began arguing over civil rights while projectile-vomiting. Their mood became increasingly dark as they succumbed to an alcoholicparanoia of the British (more...)
MC Hamma Hammurabi was the first king of the Babylonian Empire who also had an esteemed rapping career. Under his rule, the kingdom of Babylon stretched from the sunny beaches and strip bars of the Gaza Strip to [[Kuwait|the place where they have a whole piggy bunch of oil. Unfortunately, Hammurabi did not live long enough to enjoy any of the revenue earned from sales.
Hammurabi was born into a humble abode in Babylon in 1810 BC. His mother De-Mi was a hand-skilled Mesopotamian sex toy worker and father, Sin-muballit ('Paddy'), who was the Mayor (then Absolute God-King) of Babylon . 'Paddy' was also a great dirty Two Rivers dancer and wanted to show 'Hammy' some of his feet tripping skills. Hammurabi learnt his father's dance moves but also found he had a natural talent for mimicking, which took root when he imitated the sounds made by birds and less tunefully, the local mud brick builders. From that point onward, Hammurabi would continue to practice his rapping skills, annoying his neighbors in the process. At the age of 18, Hammurabi inherited the throne (and dancing shoes) from his father, and learned of the wars going on between the other Joint kingdoms over microphones, farmland, and ear wax.
666 - Shiva tells the people of India that they will die if they do not enlarge their manhood and reproduce, thus becoming one of the largest populations. Vishnu and Brahma get a cheap thrill out of watching the sex.
785 - King Arthur's vision of the Holy Grail is accompanied by the words "Grail! This can be yours FREE!"
999 - Amid predictions of the Apocalypse, European peasants receive anonymous notes offering "hot deals on ultra-sexy self-flagellation gear."
1791 - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart chokes on his dentures during a live performance. Antonio Salieri frantically tries to dislodge them from Mozart's throat using his clarinet but only succeeds in driving them in further. Mozart dies as a result. "I feel awful" Salieri is quoted as saying.
1793 - Joseph Marie Jacquard is taught weaving by a super-intelligent tapeworm named Steve.
1929 - Baurhaus designs the new age spam only to have plans delayed by 60 years.