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Today's Featured Article - George R. R. Martin

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George R. R. Martin (born September 20, 1948) is the bearded, retired Santa Claus look-a-like responsible for the BLT sized books A Game of Thrones, Feast of Crows and I Wrote This by Mashing up Everything That Came to Hand. Martin is now chuckling all the way to his bank. No relation to J.K.Rowling, J.R.Ewing or G.R.R.R.R.R (a grizzly bear when he discovers you inside a tent on his hunting land).

Martin comes across as the jolly bloated uncle you never had (or never wished to have). He could also be a garden gnome that managed to heft his bulk over a garden wall and is now running amok polluting the minds of the young and easily influenced with his turgid tomes. Considered to be by some as the 'American J.R.R Tolkien' or a gurning version of C.S. Lewis, Martin cleverly realised that the path to happiness and gold is to 'sex up' your stories and add a lot gore when the action heads into a plodding direction.

This is certainly the view of the HBO teleivision channel who gobbled up the rights to Martin's A Singalong of Fire and Ice series (unfinished) and are now currently shooting the series in Belfast in Northern Ireland. Since this was also the place where the RMS Titanic was launched, the producers may have hoped that if the show tanked or was sunk by an iceberg of audience indifference, no one would have noticed. Unluckily for us, though the pilot was thrown overboard for excess cheesy acting, a re-casting and re-boot has turned the TV series into a world wide hit. It has also given hope to other writers of half arsed fantasy literature another boost that their fluffy epics will be picked up and turned into pricey TV series. It is becoming all very 'Martinesque'. (more...)

Recently featured: George R. R. Martin - Jam session

Yesterday's Featured Article - Jam session

JellyRollMorton

The Jam session was created by the originator of Jazz Jelly Roll Morton as a means of disposing of the excess fruit growing on his summer ranch in California.

In the spring 1902 Jelly Roll roped in sidemen Ferdinand LeMothe and Artie Shaw to help him pick the strawberries and bananas growing at his ranch. With the fruit picked Jelly Roll called in two more of his sidemen, Sidney Bechet and up and coming trumpeter Gerry "Matt Groaning" Mulligan. Together the five friends compiled the fruit into jars of jam. The jam was an immediate success. The Blueberry Label quickly picked up on the Quintets jam and entered into a contract to commercially produce it. These original jam sessions dubbed: Jamming The Beet were number one on Sweden's National Jam Regatta Listings within a week. The original fame of these production sessions are considered by many Jazz condiment experts to be the origin of Jelly Roll Morton's name.

Some Jazztorians argue that the above account which comes directly from Jelly Roll himself is a load of "Jive" or alternatively a bag of "Gage" or the "Bees Elbows". Jelly Roll has been reporting as offering the following comments on these alligators.

“Them cats just ain't hep to the Jive, man, applesauce! Bunch of Jeffs, man.”
~ Jelly Roll Morton

However another common origin story is as follows. During the 1920's it became common for white jazz musicians to congregate in wine bars and vegan cafes after big band rehearsal sessions. As most cafes in the Barking Twenties hired regular rhythm sections, big band musicians instruments still in hand would often sit with house bands and try guess the right notes to various jazz standards. Due to the high difficulty of this act it was often referred to as "A bit of a pickle" the term jam sessions as reference to a fellow preservative may have developed from this. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Jaws (parallel universe version), featured on 17 September 2012. See the featured version.
UnNews:Faggot had personal problem with me, featured on 17 September 2011. See the featured version.
Brittany Hensel, featured on 17 September 2010. See the featured version.
The Rubens Diet, featured on 17 September 2009. See the featured version.

All You Need To Know Is...

*...that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?

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