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Wednesday August 31 2005

Today's Featured Article - Billy Joel

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William Martin Billy Joel (born May 9, 1949) is an American musician, club owner, and classically-trained "piano man". He had a successful career in cheesy-yet-endearing 1970s–90s pop radio hits, including the biting satire of "Piano Man", the working-class orgasm of "Uptown Skank", and the towering social commentary of "We Didn't Start the Fire".

Joel was born and raised in The Bronx, but it is unfair to hold that against him. At a young age, he studied piano at his mother's insistence. With no other source of distraction, Billy practiced and practiced; the correct keys would light up on the piano, while incorrect playing would be rewarded with electric shocks. Inevitably, he developed an innate sense of pianism and an impressive personality disorder.

Later, Joel turned his attention to boxing, winning 22 bouts on the Golden Girls circuit, but getting his nose broken. He quit the sport, concerned that the injury might affect his embouchure and render him permanently unable to play woodwinds, long before this pastime ever gave him hope of being able to protect his lunch money from the neighborhood bullies. Happily, Joel found that the threat of professionally coached violence was often all it took to assemble an audience and prevent them from running at the first hint of singing.

Joel did not graduate high school with his peers because an English paper was late, owing to soul-searching, playing until closing time at nightclubs, and overdosing on Brylcreem. However, his alma mater, Hicksville High School, saw fit to waive the English prerequisite and grant him an honorary diploma 25 years later, in 1992, beginning a trend now known as Basking In Reflected Glory. Joel demurred, as at that point he had seven Ph.D.s, none of them based on serious scholarship either.

In 1965, Joel joined The Echoes, a band which specialized in playing the hits of the British Invasion. Despite several changes of name, The Echoes failed to trouble the Billboard chart, and Joel was forced to leave due to a growing intolerance to both tea and scones. Without an outlet for his musical talents, property prices in Brooklyn briefly rebounded until Joel joined The Hassles, a blue-eyed soul group known for their half-hearted imitations of The Rascals and for locking concert-goers in the auditorium and badgering them until they agreed to fund that evening's beer-money. (more...)

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Operation Barbarella

June 22: International Yaoi Appreciation Day

  • 1767 - Wilhelm von Humboldt is born. Several years later, a large plot of Hemp is dscovered in his county.
  • 1804 - Buttsecks invented; fangirls rejoice.
  • 1805 - The 1,000,000th "George Washington and Benjamin Franklin" fanfic porn story is written. As a consolation prize, its writer is given a certificate to get "a life".
  • 1812 - Napoleon invades Russia
  • 1813 - Napoleon realizes how dumb an idea it was to invade Russia.
  • 1814 - Napoleon abdicates the throne, but takes his decision back a few minutes later.
  • 1815 - Napoleon abdicates the throne again.
  • 1865 - Yams take over the world for five days until they forget about it.
  • 1892 - Tchaikovsky responds to Napoleon's invasion by writing fanfiction featuring gay cannons.
  • 1904 - A strange racist albino falls from a cloud into a remote village in the alps.
  • 1941 - Nazi Germany invades Jane Fonda in Operation Barbarella.
  • 1965 - "Glow-in-the-dark" is invented; ravers rejoice.
  • 1969 - Judy Garland dies. Wicked Witches everywhere breathe a collective sigh of relief.
  • 1970 - First yaoi work drawn by a gay male released to the public. Fangirls get totally fucking pissed and glomp the artist to death.
  • 1972 - Gay aardvarks riot outside homophobic petting zoo in Schenectady, New York
  • 1985 - Pioneer kitten 'Mr. Kitty' becomes first cat to legally change name to 'Dr. Kitten'
  • 2005 - All Michael Jackson jokes officially become not funny anymore. This paves the way for the newly hilarious Micheal Jackson jokes.
  • 2005 - First International Festival of Man-secks is celebrated.
  • 2006 - First International Festival of Man-on-man-secks is celebrated.
  • 2006 - Graham Poll causes mayhem as he dishes out over 400 bookings before the game between Croatia and Australia has even started.
  • 2009 - Napoleon rises from the dead and invades Russia again.

Even more kool stuff!!!!!!!!

Writer of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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