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What the Hell is Kwanzaa?

What the Hell is Kwanzaa? I'll tell you what it is, fool. It's a holiday for people of color, because we ain't got one of our own in this racist country. Christmas? Christmas is for Whitey! Ever heard the song "White Christmas"? No? You deaf? You from Mongolia? They play that shit two straight months every year! Even Martin Luther King Day don't belong to us anymore, ya dig? White man says MLK "belongs to everybody". We say "fuck that shit, honky". Kwanzaa is an effort to right one of the of the many wrongs perpetrated against our people for the past four hundred years. You heard me. Whitey jacked MLK, so we jacked Christmas!

Say, tell me more about this "Kwanzaa".

Maulana Karenga invented Kwanzaa, saying "[the goal of Kwanzaa is to] give Blacks an alternative to the existing holiday and...an opportunity to celebrate themselves and history, rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society." That's just my man's way of saying "I will not bow down before you and celebrate your holidays! So fuck you!" in a way that you smooth-tongued White Devils could understand. He took the name for Kwanzaa from a Swahili phrase, matunda ya kwanza, meaning "hands off, bitch!" He said that Christianity was a religion of evil oppressors that African people should shun like the Devil. You know what else he said? He said Jesus was psychotic. That motha was hard-core, know what I mean? (more...)

• ...that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
• ...that the history of the Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition dates back to just before World War II? Benito Mussolini, seeking a way to bring his allies closer together, invited Adolf Hitler and Emperor Hirohito to Rome; Hitler brought a large number of frankfurters (his favourite) for the trip.
• ...that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
• ...that the history of the Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition dates back to just before World War II? Benito Mussolini, seeking a way to bring his allies closer together, invited Adolf Hitler and Emperor Hirohito to Rome; Hitler brought a large number of frankfurters (his favourite) for the trip.
• ...that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
• ...that the history of the Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition dates back to just before World War II? Benito Mussolini, seeking a way to bring his allies closer together, invited Adolf Hitler and Emperor Hirohito to Rome; Hitler brought a large number of frankfurters (his favourite) for the trip.
• ...that 100% of divorces start with marriage?

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The dancing banana Shabidoo stepped up to the plate and joined all the other fruits to be honoured with Writer of the Month in April. He is the author of works like HowTo:Make Breakfast Dew (For Women), Ozone, Nothing is permanent and Mahjong. Shabido is a keen collaborator with others and an organiser of events, so perhaps we can see a future career path for this particular Uncyclopedian. Shabido is also a regular contributor to 'my two cents worth' style of forums (in a good way) and has yet to swap unbridled enthusiasm for world weary cynicism that is a mark of some of the veteran contributors to this site. Shine on Shabidoo until that banana stops dancing to the music of time...(as isn't it time you got off that computer and come and talk to the rest of your family?).

No longer is this 'Noob of the Month' but 'Noob of the Moment. We all have our moments, certainly in our later years. This April three Noobs are honoured. Now that there is no time limit on 'noobery', these three have been honoured this month. First to get our notice was XDshempXD, a self described Mexican enduring life in the USA. What's more, XDShempXD is a woman, yes to all you short trousered wearers and code kiddies, a girl has come to your party! So behave now and wash your faces more often. XDshempXD (can we call you Shempy??) has been here since the middle of 2011 and has brought with her stories with a more more Latin American flavour. So now we have articles like UnBooks:Sexually suggestive songs by Roberto Carlos which confused me as I thought it was about an ex-Brazilian football player but is indeed someone closer to home for her. Our second Noob of the Moment is Alpha Quintesson. He has gravitated to what I like to call the 'sharp end' of Uncyclopedia, rooting out and alerting the dinosaur speedy admins here about some nasty little vandals trying to upset the organised, efficient work processes here. I hope he can also find time to write a bit more as well. Finally there is Mockingbird ST. What the ST stands remains a mystery... or no one has asked him as yet (probably the latter). It's a great user name all the same though perhaps some people may want to kill him for literary title reasons. I hope not, otherwise we would not have articles like Counting to potato to consider. Like receiving a carriage clock, a ticket to the ballet or a new set of teeth, the monthly award for general all round usefulness is a recognition that this user is now reaching a pinnacle... or is that a Pinocchio of achievement. In April the community voted in favour of Funnybony. For those who don't know 'FB', he has been one of this site's most prolific of authors. His user page is almost groaning under the weight of his many works but something isn't so well known, FB is one of the most generous, and genuine guys here. FB likes to talk, work with other people and even if you don't vote in favour of one his works, FB remains a model of politeness. He is also a friend of Jeff Beck and was really there in the 1960s when music became the cultural phenomena of that decade. Funnybony doesn't need to be here, he could be sitting on a verandah drinking or meditating or both but instead he likes to write for fun. Uncyclopedia has certainly benefitted from his output. What more can I, or we, say about that. Now... Funnybony, do really want that clock...? Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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