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Today's Featured Article - Ernest Hemingway
He lived. Primarily in the first half of the 20th century. Then for a while in the last half. He wrote things (such as books), drank things (such as alcohol), and shot things (such as his face). He had a beard. He married more than his fair share of rich women. He once owned a tiny Jewish slave named Windemere. Let us examine this complex man and his complex works. Without neglecting his complexity.
Hemingway was born in the United States. His father was an Amish magician. His mother was not. He cried a lot when he was a baby. Babies cry a lot. Sometimes it is because their pants are heavy. Sometimes it is because they cannot have fine French wine. Even as a baby Hemingway could tell a good wine from a bad one.
Hemingway cried. He did not have decent French wine. He would have it later. But right now he did not have it. The house did not have indoor plumbing. It would have it later, when Ernest was ten. When he turned ten he would be fascinated with the hot and cold taps. He would call it a Big Two-Heated River. He would wish the taps would pour out whiskey and absinthe. But they did not. Besides, his house did not have plumbing yet. While he was looking for a restroom, he would often shoot things. (More...)
Yesterday's Featured Article - RAF Packington
Royal Air Force Station Packington (RAF Packington) is a top secret military establishment in the English County of Staffordshire. It is home to the UK's stockpile of Weapons of Mass Distraction (WMDs). Packington is currently under the steely command of Group Captain Johnny "Nimrod" Hunter-Harrier DFC JPA QDJM. RAF Packington started off in 1826 as a pork-and-mustard factory run by local pink industrialist Jeremiah Gottmein-Himmel, who leased the site to the burgeoning Royal Scottish Air force (RSAF) who needed to establish a grass runway emergency landing strip (GREMLIN) for their aircraft returning from the disastrous First Porridge War against Kent. This saw the permanent loss of SRAF Branston, now Kent International Airport. Branston fell into disrepair and is now home to the Defence Fire and Risk Taking Organisation who regularly set fire to aeroplanes to scare the living daylights out of weary passengers on their final approach to KIA. This is an unfortunate acronym as it also abbreviates "Killed in action"
Gottmein-Himmel was an unpopular character and was notorious for hurling complex obscenities such as "puke up ya clunge" and "piss up a pole, fuck-stick," a habit that later became the basis of the character Timmy the Rude Kid in the 20th century comic Viz. Ill health befell him as a consequence of existing on a diet of Irn Bru, vodka and cider mixed in 5-litre plastic flagons and marketed as Kremlin Smash. He died alone in abject poverty, though his life is commemorated by the annual Pancake Races in Bore Street, Lichfield. One of Gottmein-Himmels final acts was to throw eggs and flour at the local magistrates court building, Griddle house. (more...)
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edit Facts about me
- ...that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
- ...that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
edit History Channel
- 753 BC - Rome is founded by Romulus and Remus after building it in a day.
- 754 BC - The Romulans declare an uneasy truce with the rest of the humans on Earth.
- 949 BC - A group of Romulans unable to get dates known as the 'vool-cahns' decide to leave Earth and start their own planet.
- 1349 - The Spanish Inquisition is not expected.
- 1350 - A Belgian man expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly beaten to death.
- 1684 - Isaac Newton proposes the idea of "gravity". It is rejected by the non-seculars, and Newton is laughed at and beaten.
- 1700 - Mr. T pities another fool.
- 1792 - Tiradentes, a revolutionary who was leading a movement for Brazil's independence, is hanged and quartered in an exciting event at the Superdome.
- 1836 - Sam Houston royally teabagged Santa Anna and his sleepy Mexicans
- 1900 - Creamed corn is deemed just thing to spice up that Sunday dinner.
- 1918 - French whores rejoice: "The Yanks Are Cumming" proves true and profitable.
- 1944 - Horses in France receive the right to vote.
- 1955 - Bob Hope decides this radio thing is old and busted. If only he knew.
- 1966 - The Girl from Ipanema is discovered to be like a samba that, swings so cool and sways so gentle, that when she passes each one she passes goes "a-a-ah!
- 2003 - Homosexuals finally learn to use a keyboard with two hands.
- 2006 - April 21st decides to change its name to July 14th. July 14th does not approve and in retaliation changes its name to August 25th, and refuses to acknowledge the month of April any more - this leads to a mass surge in calendar production when everyone takes sides - April lovers stick to the original 12 month calendar, whereas July fanciers take up a new streamlined 11 month number. With pictures of kittens on it. Everything goes back to normal the next day when Mr. T pities April 21st.
- 2008 - John Prescott admits to his bulimia being fraudulent after being caught on a 72 hour Pizza Hut binge.
- 2009 - George Bush expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is shot by a Muslim.
- 2010 - The Spanish Inquisition expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly befuddled resulting in an impromptu tea/river dance party that leads to the very fabric of space and time ripping apart. The noitisiuqnI hsinapS meanwhile is not amused.
- 2023 - Galactic Emperor Sthnog takes his seat as Supreme Ruler of the Milky Way.
- 2167 - The IBO fails to send Final Exams to examinators across the world, resulting in final year IB students having to wait for another year in order to graduate from the IB.
- 2170 - Mr. T pities yet another fool. Pudding is declared the staple food in Ethiopia. Barack Obama coins the term "Barak you like a hurricane!"
edit Articles from today's Daily Hostage Negotiator
- Miliband shares his interest in becoming PM (pictured)
- Boy 3D prints replacement head for cat
- Kudlow calls for boycott of Russia
- Eating money makes gold poop
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David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, those on Noob of the Month MoneySign's image gallery are good for an average of at least 940 words apiece (he loses points because his Taste picture offends the Greeks). Classic Money highlights include Hazard Dogs and the tuberiffic logo for UnNews, which MS constructed entirely out of string, spittle and beer can tabs.
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