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BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!! MY WEBPAGE HAS BEEN REDESIGNED!!!!!
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MADE WITH FRONT PAGE 95
Today's Featured Article -
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Yesterday's Featured Article - State of the Union address
The annual speech tells Congress and the entire United States what The President thinks. It is received in a room full of crusty and aging legislators who long ago lost their souls and have no lodestar except the desire to:
- Bask in the reflected glory of the President's presence, and
- Have all their impressionable constituents watch them doing so and thereby get the impression they have a fraction of the President's charisma.
Federal law provides that, in addition to his annual salary of $400,000, the President gets one evening a year in a chamber where a crowd of fawning wannabes will deliriously applaud him for saying nothing of substance, and where everyone in the country can see that they did. This is not just a fringe benefit for the President, but reassures even the most incompetent American citizen that his poorest and most meaningless work might have someone welcome it, by virtue of the welcomer being even worse — or might lead to a lifetime sinecure, if he can simply find a boss who is eager to be surrounded by suck-ups.
Article II, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution tasks the President to "from time to time give to the Congress information of the state of the Union, to recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient, or failing that, to advise the same as to how far to bend over."It is a perennial mystery to Constitutional scholars why the small document that set out three co-equal branches contains this loophole directing two of them to kiss the butt of one of them every year.. (more...)
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edit Facts about me
- ...that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
- ...that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
edit History Channel
- 3000 BC - Greek philosopher Atheises founds the Order of Dyslexic Atheists and declares as its motto "Thert isi thaer no doG!"
- 1541 - Paracelsus, Swiss alchemist, passes away after being drained by a bitter rivalry with the alchemist Parafahrenheit.
- 1789 - United States History: the position of Attorney General is established, to act as general over the army of attorneys raised during the Revolutionary War.
- 1906 - U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt proclaims Devils Tower the nation's first National Monument after obsessively sculpting the rock formation in mashed potatoes.
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler gets into a hedge dispute with his Polish neighbour.
- 1944 - France is liberated by the allied forces. Riots ensue.
- 1960 - Chuck Norris hires a Vietnamese plumber. Vietnam is still recovering.
- 1991 - Jesus found alive and well in a Manchester crackhouse
- 1993 - Karl Marx personal diaries discovered, Marxism apparently was just a wind up to bug the Americans.
- 2003 - George Bush declares war on Legoland
- 2007 - The last day of Adventalo, the gathering of millions of nerds awaiting the coming of the chiefus christ
- 2008 - War Veteran, Big Bird committed suicide after receiving hate mail for accidentally sinking china when he flushed the toilet
- 2009 - All 8 followers of the new found religion Walmartism are sentenced to death after reports of attacks on rivalry gangs The "Food Lion Elite"
- 2010 - United States of America takes over Japan Renaming it Coca Cola
- 2022 - Michael Jackson sues himself for sexual assault and wins. He celebrates by sexually assaulting himself again.
- 2342 - Somebody gets fired on their birthday from school.
- 2351 - Walmart declares war on Islam. Millions die.
edit Articles from today's Daily Hostage Negotiator
- Rocket Man finds Major Don (pictured)
edit Other cool sites
American Dragon: Jake Long (light r/w) | Antifa | Uranus (mythology) | Vince Cable | Minotaur | Cerberus | Cyrus the Great | Elvis Costello (light r/w) | DC-10 | VeggieTales (r/w) | Fox (TV channel) | Demographics | Covfefe (pictured) | George Lucas (r/w) | Galaxy (r/w) | Ipswich, Suffolk | Walt Disney (r/w) | Soylent (meal replacement) | Costa Coffee | John Brown (r/w) | Napoleon II | Emmanuel Macron
David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, those on Noob of the Month MoneySign's image gallery are good for an average of at least 940 words apiece (he loses points because his Taste picture offends the Greeks). Classic Money highlights include Hazard Dogs and the tuberiffic logo for UnNews, which MS constructed entirely out of string, spittle and beer can tabs.
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