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Today's Featured Article - Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz (born Rafael Edward Cruz) is the junior United States Senator from Texas. Elected in 2012 as a Republican, he is the first Hispanic or Cuban American to serve as a U.S. Senator from Texas. The term serve is used loosely, because he is running for President of the United States, and while running for President, he has very little time to fulfill his duties as a US Senator. Several analysts are concerned about his hopes in the current Presidential election because he does not actually qualify to be President in as much as he was born outside the United States as a Cuban Canadian, and the Constitution mandates that the President must be born within the US as a natural born citizen, but because that didn't stop President Obama, Cruz believes it will not be an issue for him either.
Christened Rafael Edward Cruz, he was born to Eleanor Elizabeth Darragh Wilson, and Rafael Bienvendo Cruz in Toronto, Canada on December 22, 1970. At the time Ted was born, his father worked in the oil industry in Canada. Rafael Cruz Sr. owned a company that processed seismic data for oil drillers and he was very gifted at processing the data until the oil drillers got the results they wanted. He had learned how to process data from his time in Cuba fighting with Castro's good ol' boys as an interpretation specialist. Any information that needed to be reinterpreted or processed went through Rafael Cruz Sr. before being sent out through official channels. Ted's Father left Cuba in 1957 to attend the University of Texas where "I got me some learnin'", as he would say on graduation in one of his humorous attempts to imitate a Texas drawl.
Cruz's mother, Eleanor Wilson Cruz, was born and raised in Wilmington, Delaware, of Irish and Italian descent, and she has the typical temperament of someone with that heritage, or at least the temperament of an average mother. (more...)
Yesterday's Featured Article - Horace Greeley
Horace Greeley (February 3, 1811 – November 29, 1872) was a newspaper man who thought he had solutions to offer the political system. He switched states and switched political parties but finally found one of both that felt right, and ran for U.S. President against Ulysses S. Grant in 1872. He lost decisively, but got the last laugh, dying before the electoral vote could be cast.
Greeley was born on February 3, 1811 in Amherst, New Hampshire. He could not breathe for the first 20 minutes of his life, and some say this is the cause for everything that followed. To this day, newspaper men say we could control carbon emissions and solve global warming if all the God-damned environmentalists would also just refrain from breathing for about 20 minutes.
Greeley's parents, Zaccheus and Mary (Woodburn) Greeley, moved house repeatedly during Greeley's youth, without even the lame excuse of Army service. Neighbors thought Greeley was smart and offered to pay his way through Phillips Exeter Academy, but the Greeleys were proud, and replied, "No, thank you, we will just stay poor and ignorant." However, in 1820, the Greeleys moved to Vermont, as it was a few miles ahead of the creditors in pursuit. This was Greeley's breakthrough, as he became the 15-year-old apprentice of the printer of a newspaper called the Northern Spectator.
After only four years, it became painfully clear that no one wanted to spectate at the north of East Poultney, Vermont; nor north from Poultney, toward the ignorance of Blissville. The newspaper went into oblivion, and Greeley went into Pennsylvania, eventually finding work at the Erie Gazette.
In 1831, Greeley went to New York City to seek his fortune. Unfortunately, he found that it was safely in the hands of other people. He found work at newspapers no one has ever heard of, including the New York Morning Post and The New-Yorker. Greeley met his wife, Mary Young Cheney, at a boarding house that rejected meat, alcohol, coffee, tea, spices, and intoxicants, leaving only hanky-panky as a diversion. Their marriage was sandwiched into Greeley's newspapers in the middle of the winning numbers in the lottery, though their honeymoon was sandwiched into the work week, and consummated at the sandwich break. (more...)
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edit History Channel
- 14 BC - Leeroy Jenkins declares "At least I still have chicken."
- 2000 BC - Moses opens first Piggly Wiggly with the goal of "Bringin' Chitterlings to all my Peeps!"
- 402 BC - The towel is invented, to protect oneself from the great LUEshi rampage.
- 1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
- 1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
- 1840 - Oscar Wilde kills Lord Byron in what was billed as the Spat in the Flat.
- 1852 - The knowledge of towel making is mysteriously lost. Pandemonium ensues for the next three decades.
- 1895 - Playwright, poet and novelist Oscar Wilde is convicted of "committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons" and sentenced to serve two years in prison. He comments: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine", a line later shamelessly plagarized by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
- 1936 - Hitler starts the Funky Panzer dance craze, which begins to take Europe by storm.
- 1942 - Helen G. White announces that the end of the world was posponed once again due to rain.
- 1955 - Hyenas take over french government.
- 1977 - God creates Funk.
- 1978 - And He saw it was goooooood.
- 1980 - Towels are rediscovered.
- 1982 - Pac Man fever kills 20 million americans in just a few weeks.
- 1987 - Marijuana becomes the most cultivated plant ever, displacing the potatoe from top one for a few weeks.
- 1993 - AB Logic are found guilty of crimes against music and are condemned to death by choking on artichokes
- 2001.5 - International "Hug a Goombie" Day founded
- 2002 - Mutant Goombie Children are found in a puddle. Government and other such officials blamed.
- 2003 - First smart move made ever by a Government, Governments everywhere are officially disbanded.
- 2007 - Jerry Springer attacked by Trailer Park Midgets.
edit Articles from today's Daily Hostage Negotiator
- Tiny North Korean nukes!
- Big Tech objects to U.S. spying proposal (pictured)
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Jamie Bryson | Darkhad | Arthur (show) (rw) | Fart rape | Tom Brady (rw) | New meat from the Surprise Me! Spring Festival: | | Tenshi Hinanawi | Grassington | Whey | Granny Smith | Katie Hopkins | Audiophile | Tofurkey | Debug (film) | Jelly beans | Scurvy | Selfie stick | Al Stewart | Ð | Miniaturization | Magazine | Turtle | Pyramid scheme | Joseph Kony | Metroid (species)
David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, those on Noob of the Month MoneySign's image gallery are good for an average of at least 940 words apiece (he loses points because his Taste picture offends the Greeks). Classic Money highlights include Hazard Dogs and the tuberiffic logo for UnNews, which MS constructed entirely out of string, spittle and beer can tabs.
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