Today's Featured Article - Mini
The Mini eats other low budget trundlemobiles for breakfast. Reliant Robins? On toast with beans. Austin Allegros? Mostly fried. Ford Granadas? Well, not really because it's on a diet. Driven almost exclusively by the very tall, the Mini is, like London, made entirely of Lego and resides in the garages of Highbury, Greater Paris. On weekends it sits in Kent but between 7PM and 4AM it mainly stands due to the lack of free seats. The only people who drive Minis are females (if you see a man in one, it's a shemale) with the exception of Mr. Bean (apart, of course, from weekends).
The Mini is incredibly safe. In actual fact, less people were killed during construction of Minis than by errant meteorite in the year 1997. Furthermore, the Mini has killed more crimininmininals (yes, that is how you spell crimininmininals) through fatal brake faults than any other vehicle, making the streets safe for regular, law-abiding city zens. Now that's impressive.
The Mini is fast: so fast, it is faster than a slug. And that's a souped-up Cuban speed slug we're talking about here, not just your run-of-the-mill garden type. However it is in no way as fast as John Prescott at a wedding party when the DJ announces that the buffet is open. (more...)
UnBooks:My Pal Stanley Kubrick Tonight we honor one of the finest directors of the 20th Century, the late, great Stanley Kubrick. As the 2012 President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences I want to give a warm Hollywood welcome to our keynote speaker, Father John Murphy. The Padre, as we in the winner's circle know him, just flew in from the Vatican on his private jet.
Father Murphy knew Stanley for over 35 years, up to and including his untimely death in 1999, so I'm sure His Holiness has a treasure trove of memorable moments to share with us. Without further ado, would you kindly welcome Pope Benedict's right hand, the Keeper of the Keys, and the dizzy Dean of the College of Cardinals, Father John Murphy.
DID Y0U KN0W...
- ...that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (pictured)
- ...that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
- ...that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
- ...that really fat people cannot wash themselves but must avail of car washes late at night?
- ...that it was I who let the dogs out?
- ...that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
- ...that Iran is all set to invade itself?
IN 7H3 N3W5
0N 7HI5 D4Y...
March 9: Olipro's Birthday, Temporarily Suspend "No Vanity Entries in the Anniversaries" Rule Day (Uncyclopedia)
- 300 BC - Olipro's earlist known ancestor, Gayus Maximus, introduces pederasty to Ancient Greek society.
- 42 - Under Caligula, Olipro's most famous ancestor, sodomy becomes the official sport of Rome.
- 1429 - With his lineage being well documented, we suspect that somebody in Olipro's ancestry did something remarkably gay on this day.
- 1492 - Seaman and Olipro ancestor Oliver de Gaul intends to travel to the New World with Columbus as his first mate. Unfortunately, he is late arriving to the ship on port as he was too busy being fucked in the ass by a Spanish stallion. He misses the boat and starts a lucrative enterprise manufacturing Pears of Agony.
- 1776 - Benjamin Franklin and an "Oliver von Homosexuelle of Austria" exchange a series of erotic letters now hosted at the Museum of American History.
- 1785 - Marquis de Sade finishes penning "120 Days of Sodom", an autobiography of Olipro's only French ancestor, Oliver L'homosexuel.
- 1893 - Oscar Wilde pioneers the technique of holding a handbag like a man.
- 1949 - Elton John is born.
- 1987 - "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls is released.
- 1988 - HIV/AIDS is identified as having been the result of Olipro's dad fucking a chimp.
- 1989 - Olipro is born.
- 1992 - "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls reaches #69 on the UK charts. Olipro fingerbangs his anus to this song while watching a men's swimming competition on TV.
- 1994 - The first pair of gay penguins are observed at the San Francisco Zoo. Olipro says his first words: "I love the cock. Big black cock. Cocky cocky cock. Mmmm. I love it when guys cum in my mouth."
- 1999 - Olipro abuses his priest.
- 2000 - A children's story based on the gay penguins is created. It is read to Olipro that same year, and becomes his childhood favorite, which some speculate may have been formative to an impressionable Olipro.
- 2002 - Pictures from Olipro's family photo album are leaked onto the internet and are aptly named Goatse.cx, Lemonparty, and Tubgirl.
- 2005 - Olipro digs up Freddie Mercury's corpse from its grave and bottoms it, then tops it, then bottoms it again.
- 2007 - Gay marriage becomes legal in Massachusetts in honor of Olipro's birthday.
- 2009 - Olipro is gangbanged by 12 Puerto Rican men at his birthday party, failing to beat his previous record by only 60 more Puerto Ricans.
- 2010 - EMC smashes all previous records for shameless UN:CM violations, but Codeine's mum actually steps in at the eleventh hour to point out that it's all rather amusing. Olipro fucks a dead sheep to celebrate.