Today's Featured Article -
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Dear unwanted, ungrateful bastard who I didn't want to raise but still did because abortion was still against the law when you were born.
Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.
First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.
DID Y0U KN0W...
- ... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "southern hospitality"? (pictured)
- ... the US Postal Service delivered over 7.7 billion pieces of mail last year?
- ... and that unfortunately those started out as 5.2 billion packages and letters?
- ... that resistance is futile? So you should calculate using impedance instead?
- ... that space is just a money-making scheme by NASA?
- ... that some believe the Earth is actually flat-chested and a clandestine multinational program is keeping it stuffed?
- ... that Richard the Lionheart of England had a "Richard the Lionheart" of his own?
- ... that some of us are old enough to remember when there were only 3 elements in the Periodic table? Oh yeah, earth, wind, fire and water, so 4.
IN 7H3 N3W5
0N 7HI5 D4Y...
October 23: Dungeons & Dragons Empowerment Day, a day to let go of your guilt and shame for having played D&D as a child (or still), and instead reflect upon how it's changed you for the better.
- 33 CE - Jesus creates D&D, the Romans crucify him for this and buries the game where it is found 1900 years later. Or is that Jumanji?
- 1966 - International Federation of the Friendless is formed by Gary Gygax and other near-do-wells.
- 1969 - While others are busy engaged in the Summer of Love, Gary Gygax and Friends are busy making their own chainmail armour out of plastic plumbing washers.
- 1970 - Dave Arneson creates a scenario involving an adventure through a castle sewer, in quest of the legendary change room of maidens in waiting. He would be later arrested for being a peeping tom. The judge was unmoved by his plea that he was doing important game research.
- 1971 - Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson team up to create The Fantasy Game. Monsters are substituted for maidens, and mountains of loose change for change rooms.
- 1974 - TSR publishes the now-renamed Dungeons & Dragons® game by slapping homemade labels over used cereal boxes. In one year, the entire hand-assembled print run of 1,000 games sells out.
- 1979 - Ozzy Osbourne is chosen as official spokesman, eventually appearing in a commercial where he bites the head off of a basilisk.
- 1984 - You realize with horror that the phrase "Uncursed +1/+1 Dark Dwarven Mithril Battle-Axe of Sword Skill" no longer sounds completely ridiculous to you.
- 1985 - Everyone starts referring to bottles of water as "Potions of Thirst Obviation" and dictionaries as "Tomes of Acquired Word Definition."
- 2003 - The first woman to play D&D is later discovered to be a shemale. Kidnapping and brainwashing females would later narrow the gender gap.
- 2005 - You catch your wife in bed with another man, but discover she was just earning 50 experience points with a Helmet of Protection +6.
- 2584 - First D&D player in history gets laid thanks to the lucky roll of a natural 20.
- 3000 - Roughly 500 years after the first D&D player got laid his great, great, great, great grandson becomes Supream Dungeon Master of Earth.
- 5000 - A jock plays D&D, a first, and becomes D&D master of the universe and all that is contained inside. The reigning Supream Dungeon Master of the Earth has a hissy.