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Today's Featured Article - George R. R. Martin

GRRMartinTable1

George R. R. Martin (born September 20, 1948) is the bearded, retired Santa Claus look-a-like responsible for the BLT sized books A Game of Thrones, Feast of Crows and I Wrote This by Mashing up Everything That Came to Hand. Martin is now chuckling all the way to his bank. No relation to J.K.Rowling, J.R.Ewing or G.R.R.R.R.R (a grizzly bear when he discovers you inside a tent on his hunting land).

Martin comes across as the jolly bloated uncle you never had (or never wished to have). He could also be a garden gnome that managed to heft his bulk over a garden wall and is now running amok polluting the minds of the young and easily influenced with his turgid tomes. Considered to be by some as the 'American J.R.R Tolkien' or a gurning version of C.S. Lewis, Martin cleverly realised that the path to happiness and gold is to 'sex up' your stories and add a lot gore when the action heads into a plodding direction.

This is certainly the view of the HBO teleivision channel who gobbled up the rights to Martin's A Singalong of Fire and Ice series (unfinished) and are now currently shooting the series in Belfast in Northern Ireland. Since this was also the place where the RMS Titanic was launched, the producers may have hoped that if the show tanked or was sunk by an iceberg of audience indifference, no one would have noticed. Unluckily for us, though the pilot was thrown overboard for excess cheesy acting, a re-casting and re-boot has turned the TV series into a world wide hit. It has also given hope to other writers of half arsed fantasy literature another boost that their fluffy epics will be picked up and turned into pricey TV series. It is becoming all very 'Martinesque'. (more...)

Recently featured: George R. R. Martin - Jam session

Yesterday's Featured Article - Jam session

JellyRollMorton

The Jam session was created by the originator of Jazz Jelly Roll Morton as a means of disposing of the excess fruit growing on his summer ranch in California.

In the spring 1902 Jelly Roll roped in sidemen Ferdinand LeMothe and Artie Shaw to help him pick the strawberries and bananas growing at his ranch. With the fruit picked Jelly Roll called in two more of his sidemen, Sidney Bechet and up and coming trumpeter Gerry "Matt Groaning" Mulligan. Together the five friends compiled the fruit into jars of jam. The jam was an immediate success. The Blueberry Label quickly picked up on the Quintets jam and entered into a contract to commercially produce it. These original jam sessions dubbed: Jamming The Beet were number one on Sweden's National Jam Regatta Listings within a week. The original fame of these production sessions are considered by many Jazz condiment experts to be the origin of Jelly Roll Morton's name.

Some Jazztorians argue that the above account which comes directly from Jelly Roll himself is a load of "Jive" or alternatively a bag of "Gage" or the "Bees Elbows". Jelly Roll has been reporting as offering the following comments on these alligators.

“Them cats just ain't hep to the Jive, man, applesauce! Bunch of Jeffs, man.”
~ Jelly Roll Morton

However another common origin story is as follows. During the 1920's it became common for white jazz musicians to congregate in wine bars and vegan cafes after big band rehearsal sessions. As most cafes in the Barking Twenties hired regular rhythm sections, big band musicians instruments still in hand would often sit with house bands and try guess the right notes to various jazz standards. Due to the high difficulty of this act it was often referred to as "A bit of a pickle" the term jam sessions as reference to a fellow preservative may have developed from this. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Watermelon, featured on 15 September 2011. See the featured version.
UnMovie Review:Inception (2010), featured on 15 September 2010. See the featured version.
UnScripts:X-Men Origins: Wolverine, featured on 15 September 2009. See the featured version.

DID Y0U KN0W...

TDF portrait
  • ...that I'm coming to get you? (pictured)
  • ...that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
  • ...that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
  • ...taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
  • ...that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
  • ...that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
  • ...that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?

IN 7H3 N3W5

0N 7HI5 D4Y...

NASAenrty

Daonte ghoe thruo doars thaite haiv thize sihn onn theem.

Septumbor 15st: Internashonle Dey ov Mispeld Werdz

  • 31 - Jeshush ammounshes choo de peepll ovv jee woorlg, "yesh lo henchs ittch ish shoo". Bujt onn accoont ovv jee fakt vatt itsh jee Dey ovv Mispeld Werdz, nobboojy nowsh whach hesh shayin.
  • 1835 - Charuls Darwhen, onbored thuh HMS Beegul, reechiz thuh Gulapigose Eyelunds, ware he bugins tu divelup hiz thireze uv evulooshun. Az a joak, he olsow kumz up with Intelujunt Deezine, but he duzunt ekspekt ineewun tu akshulee fawl for it.
  • 1915 - Gawd iz kylld in teh Bettle og Verdoon nad Teh Allyz chinces in teh Forrst Wurld Woor r thretend. Teh taink is oosed nad woorks as a sootable reeplacemont.
  • 1928 - Sur Alexandur Flemminge dizkuvvas a tipe of mold wiv mirakulus heeling propurtees and iz tranzfourmed into an invinssibble sooperhero, skurge ov orl villins and protektur ov ver peepul ov Goffam Sitty.
  • 1932 - Misspeldd wurdz gu non dspliy ni Pairus. Ryoten inzues.
  • 1972 - Schevin peepholess go fichsing of tha coust of n00b Jerbsy ind gut totaly pwned awn deir faises biy a bgass fich thingee anf shyt.
  • 2005 - Meny artoocols on thsi dehy luuk soospicioosly lik tehy woor wrritten in Dootch.
  • 2007 - Barney Ztoobid Purrbl Dyeknowzor Dyze fom Murduriz Todlarz Eetng em A Lve.

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FoxSpoof

In an effort to extend its presence to areas that were previously only covered by UnNews, Fox News has founded a subsidiary in Middle Earth to stay competitive on the misinformation provider market.

Image Credit: Kharpert
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Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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