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Today's Featured Article - Nero

EmoNero

Nero, Son of Zero (full name and titles Imperator Caesar Maximus Naughtius Pretentious Stroppius Homosexius Nero Augustus) was an Emperor of the Roman Empire and history's first Emo. His reign notable for explosive violence, homoeroticism, and bad acting, which has lead to Simon Schama summing up Nero's rule as "the empire's Rambo-film period". He also embarked on an extensive and extremely-tasteless building programme which the ravages of time have spared our modern eyes.

Nero was selected as heir to the office of First Citizen of the Republic monarchy during the reign of his stepfather Emperor Claudius (aka M.C. Clau-Clau-Claudius) which Nero didn't really want. What he really wanted to do was write poetry about how no one understood him and how the Praetorian Prefect was always making him tidy his room. After Claudius' poisoning tragic death his mother ensured that she would co-rule with her son. She also employed a philosopher, Seneca, to tutor her son in the ways of statecraft. Seneca famously recommended Nero rule "with clemency" but Nero didn't know what clemency meant (literally) and he found this so frustrating that he had several equestrians executed to take his mind off it.

Nero's mother was also constantly nagging at him. "It really is too much", the Emperor is said to have confided to his best friends one evening whilst in his cups "On and on that woman goes - "Nero, we need to secure the border in Britannia, Nero you need to deal with this deficit in the treasury". When I say I'd rather play my harp and write a ten-act play about my favorite sandals she goes off the boil! So unfair!". Nero eventually decided he'd had enough and made several attempts on his mother's life, including sailing her away in a collapsible boat and trying to drop a roof on her head. (more...)

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February 16: Abolition of Human Rights Day (South Africa), International "That's what she said!" Day
  • 1792 - Frenchmen celebrate new Rights of Man by beheading people they disagree with.
  • 1861 - American Civil War begins with argument over whether black people should be owned and mistreated or just kicked around and mistreated.
  • 1917 - The Russian Revolution begins in Soviet Russia.
  • 1924 - Human Rights abolish Soviet Russia.
  • 1937 - Wallace H. Carothers receives an enema after realizing that a thick thread of nylon was not a substitute for a dick.
  • 1949 - Nineteen Eighty-Four published. It was a book written to commemorate the upcoming first year of the alienation of human rights.
  • 1968 - The endless war ends.
  • 1985 - Nineteen Eighty-Four is "unofficially" taken out of circulation. This move was entirely the publisher's choice, and had nothing to do with the government.
  • 1989 - Tonka wins contract to supply China with toy tanks to run over protestors.
  • 2001 - The endless war is revived under the name "War on Terror".
  • 2006 - All human rights cease to be meaningful in the United States as the Republican Party legalizes the hunting of humans. Cheney gets first shot.
  • 2006 - George W. Bush abolishes human rights in the United States of America. NSA uncovers the body of George W. Bush jr. in a mason jar together with some pickles which they then ate.
  • 2008 - General Grievous starts smokeing menthols..... Quickly changes back to reds.
  • 2007 - Cheney wipes out all Democrats in the White House with his shotgun. Dismissed as a hunting accident.
  • 2009 - George W. Bush is trampled to death by a heterophobic gay horny rhino on a visit to Nigeria.
  • 2010 - 'The War on Terror' is re-named 'The War on people looking at you funny'
  • 2011 - You read this blurb of text.
  • 2345 - Dick Cheney has sex with a horse. Centaurs are born.
  • 2395 - Cheney Centaurs roam the earth wielding shotguns and shooting everyone in the face in various hunting accidents.
  • 9595 - Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past travels back in time to harass you.

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Falstropskittenhuffing

Early Victorian advances in kitten huffing technology were spearheaded by the notorious kit-head Algernon Falstrop.

Image Credit: Sannse
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Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



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Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 1 April 2008
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