Today's Featured Article -
Dear unwanted, ungrateful bastard who I didn't want to raise but still did because abortion was still against the law when you were born.
Well, you know I don't have long for this world. That's why I'm gonna tell you everything I learned about life. I expect you will read this to your kids for me, otherwise you won't get any of my damn life insurance money. Understand ya little bastard? Good.
First off, your mother is a slut. She just finished having sex with with Horatio. You know, he's that Mexican fucker down the hall (You met him when you first brought me here.). In fact, all women are sluts. I'm quite tempted to include a crudely drawn illustration to prove my point, but I don't have the crayons to draw it with. Instead, I'll just tell you all women are sluts. If I remember to get some crayons when I go to the store later, I'll draw it out for you. But no guarantees. I'm not a fucking Wal-Mart store, dammit! In fact, they fired me... Said I was the worse greeter since Dick Cheney worked there... Apparently touching women's breasts as they entered is classified as "sexual harassment", nowadays. Back in my day, it was impolite not to cop-a-feel. How I long for the 50s! Back then, the only women on television were housewives who weren't allowed to have jobs. Too bad those days are gone.
DID Y0U KN0W...
- ... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (pictured)
- ... the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
- ... that Every Good Boy Does Floccinaucinihilipilification?
- ... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
- ... people suffering from writer's block are usually very... something?
- ... that walking in the air will not make you fly in the moonlit sky?
- ... that space is just a money-making scheme by NASA?
IN 7H3 N3W5
0N 7HI5 D4Y...
October 18: International Funk Day (Portugal), Radiation Day
- 23 CE - God loses control of the universe yet again, causing countless miracles. Luckily, Jesus thinks fast and finds an explanation for all those fish everywhere.
- 1000 - Due to linguistical differences in many parts of the world, many people unfortunately mix up International Funk Day with International Spunk Day. Kleenex has a field day.
- 1898 - Pierre and Marie Curie are first to use the term "radioactivity" but their research fails to discover funk.
- 1903 - Telefunken is founded in Germany, building vacuum tubes and other electrical components. While Germany is "one nation under a groove" at this time, it will never observe International Funk Day.
- 1945 - US drops da bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Both cities are fucked, not funked.
- 1955 - All Hell breaks loose in Wittinghermandershire Upon Broohavensmarshington, England when a portal to the dark underworld is discovered by a chimney sweep mistaking an inconspicuous closet door for that of the men's lavatory in a small, inconspicuous pub. The scene of dark beings invading the earth is compounded by the fact that the chimney sweep failed to realize that the "urinal" into which he chose to relieve himself was, in fact, a dark being. And, although dark beings are, in fact, dark beings, they do have feelings too and do not, contrary to popular belief, appreciate being urinated upon by chimney sweeps.
- 1960 - Funk music, jazz's retarded brother, is born.
- 1975 - The Mothership lands. George Clinton is received much better than Michael Renne was in The Day the Earth Stood Still.
- 1978 - US President George Clinton puts Portugal under a groove. Portuguese population is introduced to blow.
- 2002 - Jacques Chirac is elected in France, funky disco dancing ensues.
- 2002 - Parisians realize how gay disco dancing is, rioting ensues with chants of "Give us the funk! We want the funk!" echoing through the streets.
- 2557- 25 different types of cheese are discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Scientists are baffled and manage to retrieve 16 of the different types. A German hypnotist later publishes the findings in a kids weekly coloring book; it becomes an instant best seller.