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“Whenever Babar does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest of motives. It's just a pity about that trunk. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Babar

“No, not Babar. Bob Barr.”
~ Steven Colbert on Babar

Babar (born May 11, 1943, somewhere in Burma) is King of the elephants, and incidentally was also the 2008 Libertarian Party candidate for President of the United States. He won his crown in a game of poker against Rolf Harris, Bear Grills, Chesney Hawkes and China. His face is a facade, as he had to barter it for jew gold when he was a young elephant pup. He now wears a mantle of iron and swears revenge against Reed Richards. He is also a trisexual, horny for men, women and Ozzy Osbourne.

Babar a Summary of his life

Babar small flag

At the tender age of five, Babar was involved in an horrific accident whilst Kitten Huffing with his then best friend Lord Rat Axes, who had introduced him to the sport. A small tabby had been lined up for the consumption of young Babar, but soon found itself stuck halfway inside and halfway outside the young Elephant's underdeveloped trunk. As a result, for a short time the kitten became Schrödinger's cat, although what Schrödinger himself thought of this has long been debated.

Then a physchopath shot his mom, and he cried. Then he killed the hunter, but the hunter came back from hell and almost kicked his grey ass! Then a prostitute came and introduced herslef as the "oOld Bitch who men like to fuck" but for an elephant who's memory had been demolished by kitten huffing, he called her "A random asshole who fucking stalks me".


Babar gets a glimpse at his refection, and he sees Weegee!

Whilst in his late teens, he stayed at the world renowned Ritz hotel (know then as the "titz" due to their infamous large breasted lap dancing elephants,) although due to an unfortunate mix up, he was given the same room key as Gary Coleman. This hilarious hotel room mix-up ended up with Babar sharing a room with Mr Coleman's then wife and a long night of hot elephant passion, that was no doubt aided by Babar's iron fist. No doubt the development of his being dubbed to rule 'with an iron fist'. It has been rumoured Babar has been the progenitor of at least 12 illegitimate bastards over his 4 years of marriage (Ms. Coleman promptly remarried after her passionate one night stand), and over three are known to have survived and sworn vengeance on their absent father. A bad point for Babar, perhaps.

Babarism as a religion is relatively new in comparison to the other major world religions, having been started over 200 years ago when Babar was born. It is an exclusive religion; only elephants are allowed entry, and preaches much the same as other major world religions, with the exclusion that all the major biblical characters in their sacred text are elephants, and their creation story is somewhat different to anything else around.


The creation story of Babarism

Once Babar's affair was suitably cleaned up, and the dead child squashed during the intercourse and small Cane Toad were removed from the living room floor, Babar was finally able to marry his cousin Celeste, divorcing Ms. Coleman and driving her to the lonely existence of a bitter widow. Contrary to popular belief, Celeste was not an elephant but in fact three cleverly disguised Prussian spy, posing in an ingeniously designed elephant costume. The Prussians had long sought to know why an obese, imperialistic French elephant had suddenly come to domineer much of the civilised world, and quite frankly, were jealous. The reason for this were simple; Elephants controlled half the world, Rhinos the other half, and Prussia controlled none of the world, and were rather pissed off about it. I mean, come on. Who even knows where Prussia is?

Babar then raped his cousin Incest (also known as Celesteincest) and got quadruplets, but the fourth one later departed and became known as Ringo Starr. (No wonder Ringo likes elephants, duh!)

Then his senior advisor Corneluis found out his assistant Popadour had a gay crush on him. Then they got married, but Babar shot Popadour because Babar also had a gay crush.

Then Babar decided to make things more screwed up, after having an LSD trip about that a man said to go on a hot air baloon and take drugs and visit lall the "lands". The whole family went on an LSD trip and went in to such retarded lands like the Land of Huffing, the land of Hell, the land of Canada, the land of Terrorists and the land of Crappiness.

Babar then was told he went to none of those places, it was an LSD trip (except Canada, they were actually arreted there for kicking Steven Harper in the nuts, which they were let out a day later, eh?)

Then Babar got old, and found out one of his kids had a kid named Badouche. Then Cornelius decided to make an unsuccesful attempt at making his own country, Kosovo, but was killed in the process.

Today, Babar likes kitten huffing, raping bunnies, pot, LSD, killing people, and... huh, the phone's ringing... yeah... oh shit, bad news, the guy who wrote the books saw this and is arresting us. Um.. bye.

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