Brigham Young University

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BYU
BYU is the ugliest school on Elohim's green Earth

“Ah, yes, my lecture series at BYU! So many memories of lusty couplings with pretty blonde boys!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Brigham Young University

Brigham Young University is a dating service that is often mistaken for a university in Provo, Utah. It is largely known for its successful MRS program, although Scrapbooking, Domestic Engineering, Necromancy, and Pre-Law are also popular.

Brigham Young University (or BYU, as local Communists refer to it) is devoted primarily to marrying of all of its coeds before they can get their Bachelor's Degrees This is so the co-eds can give birth to an average of one babies per year until menopause, thus getting Mormons prepared for becoming gods and humping innumerable "spirit wives" to create "spirit children" to populate their own universe[1][2], err, "eternal progression."[3][4]

BYU has gained notoriety by wisely expelling any and all students expressing views deviating from the official party platform of the Ku Klux Klan. Operated by Donny Osmond (appointed BYU's Dictator for Life by the CEO of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints of Excessive Prepositions), BYU is the ranked by the Princeton Review as the nineteenth-finest university in the state[5].

Along with Bob Jones University and Wheeling Jesuit University, BYU is one of the few universities in the civilized world which uses state-of-the-art brainwashing facilities to promote a feeling of universal brotherhood, an understanding of the necessity of early marriage and devoted FOX News viewing. Students are expected to contribute 10% of their pre-tax income to Elohim (a.k.a. God) in exchange for a good in the best neighborhoods of heaven.

If the brainwashing thrice-daily church meetings don't help students realize they're Jesus's bitch now, and they're foolish or arrogant enough to submit a liberal-leaning essay to any professors or invite Ralph Nader to an off-campus "alternate commencement," the administration will hire Chuck Norris to comb their permanent record for minor transgressions like parking violations or a few innocent cocksucking incidents as grounds to expel their agitating Pinko asses.

For these and many other reasons, the self-proclaimed "Harvard of the Middle Part of the Central-Eastern Portion of the Outside Fringe of the Rocky Mountains" is accredited by not by the Council for Higher Education Accreditation, but by President Charles Nelson Reilly, and the ghosts of the victims of Mountain Meadows Massacre, who are regularly consulted via Ouija Board in LDS temples.

History

Prehistory

Dixie Polygamy
BYU's first graduating class, who were imprisoned for raping teenage girls in Elohim's name.
Contrary to popular belief, BYU was not the first university in Utah Valley.

In 1475, the Byzantine Imperial remnant established St. Cyril's Brainwashing Facility on the shores of Utah Lake. St. Cyril's converted the local Ute Indians to Orthodoxy, and introduced them to Wonder Bread and funny underwear plagiarized from the Freemasons. In 1571, Ottoman Jedi Mehmet Ali Skywalker destroyed the base and converted the Indians to the worship of Ewoks.

The Utes, having no written language, never recalled this occurrence, and, as with the central claims of Mormonism, there is no archaeological evidence whatsoever supporting these outlandish claims. However, a silent majority (i.e. 3.1 x 10^-125%) of kitten huffing researchers contend the story is either entirely true, unless it's a complete fabrication invented by that lecher who dug up inscribed golden plates and "translated" them with an enchanted geode to justify his humping your sister.

The first college established by Mormons in Utah was actually the University of Utah, which was founded by Brigham Young and then sold to the state of Utah, because Brigham discovered teaching critical thinking skills meant no one believed the ridiculous fairy tales he spoke in church each Sunday.

Recent Years

Hiroshima crater
The aftermath of an activist BYU student's head exploding due to years of repressed cognitive dissonance being released at once after finally realizing he'd paid over $50,000 to fairy tale peddlers who don't give a good Goddamn about "reform Mormonism".
Brigham Young University was founded in 1875 by Wild Bill Hickock, and inexplicably named after Brigham Young. The school, under Hickock's presidency, offered classes in Bank Robbery, Gunslinging, and Emo Studies.

Following the Russian Revolution of 1917, the Mormons took control of the campus and turned it into one of the world's greatest brainwashing facilities, creating techniques later refined by the CIA, Scientology and Ron Popeil.

Tired of being mocked by the Ivy League, BYU bought the Charles Atlas muscle building program in 1970. After a summer of using Dynamic Tension exercises, BYU became the hero of the beach, and was admitted to the WAC. Inexplicably, the school football team at the same time began to win for the first time ever under LaVell Edwards. This continued until the early 2000s, when the Utes began to beat its ass regularly.

In 1971, in a bizarre turn of events, Mormon celebrity Donny Osmond was named BYU's Dictator for Life. Using an educational policy that involves a little bit of country and a little bit of rock 'n roll, Osmond has turned the school into a nineteeth-tier institution of higher learning (i.e. the best school in a Red State).

In fact, people outside of Utah are now vaguely aware of the university's existence, if only because of the school's frequent football games, in which the supposed best kicker in the world misses every important field goal. Osmond is almost universally loved by the students, although his purge of Dark-Side Mormon faculty members angered many Republicans and even earned an oddly arousing spanking by Kofi Annan.

From the late 1980s, a small minority of uppity rabble-rousing students have made life at BYU a tedious chore by voluntarily attending a privately-funded university with well-established rules, then bitching and moaning when they discover BYU's rules are actually enforced! These smelly radicals insist on inflicting their opinions on the student body, none of whom give a rat's ass about any of their cherished commie causes, ThankYouVeryMuch! If you want to start another Haymarket Riot, transfer to UC Berkeley, you stinky anarchist hippie. We're here to do God's work!

BYU was recently dubbed the most "wired" college by a recent technical study, but this was revealed as a typo, and BYU was actually ruled the most "weird" college in the U.S.

Academics

BYU is organized into 11 colleges:

  • Animal Husbandry[6]
  • G. Herbert Walker B. School of Edumucation
  • Ira A. Fulton College of Makin' Two-Seater Outhouses.
  • Desperate Housewives MRS College
  • Family-Friendly Entertainment
  • Faith healing
  • Naivete
  • J. Reuben Clark Law School (focuses primarily on trial by ordeal and inquisition, with lesser emphasis on real estate law)
  • Marriott School of Pushing Porn in Hotels While Claiming to be devoutly Mormon.
  • Non-Committal Makeout Sessions (NCMO)
  • Astrology and Alchemy[7]

BYU also has an international relations program, focusing on a catastrophically unsuccessful program of attempting to convince Native Americans and Latinos that they're actually Jews who have been magically transformed into "Lamanites" due to their ancestors' offenses against Elohim.[8]

Majors

BYU has many academic programs. Majors include:

Athletics

Japanjoke
The traditional culmination of the BYU vs. U of U rivalry.
BYU's legendarily awful athletic legacy can be traced to Leprechaun Mickey Rooney, hired by BYU in 1930 to amuse the students during Christmas vacations. Rooney's revolutionary introduction of hopscotch convinced administration that sports might not be a fast route to "Satan's Jockstrap," as was preached by Young, and they cautiously introduced such strenuous sports such as tic-tac-toe and mumbly-peg.

BYU's traditional rival is the University of Utah, in Salt Lake City, Utah, Utah. The Utes always rape the Cougs every year in a secret orgy in the Marriot Center.[9] In NCAA News, BYU has been awarded the Worst Fight Song Ever Heard in the History of NCAA. It simply Goes like this in the Chorus: "Arise and yell we're living in hell, here at B.Y.U. Arise and shout, lets all go make out at the top of Provo Canyon! Pay Lay Ale!"

The Honor Code

Mormons introduced BYU's notorious Honor Code. Unlike real colleges, where the honor code is designed to discourage cheating and plagiarism, BYUs honor code proscribes students behavior to an obsessive degree, most notably requiring marriage and the production of crotchfruit as a graduation requirement.

Honor code prohibitions include:

  1. premarital sex
  2. the Democratic Party
  3. facial hair on male students[10]
  4. science
  5. hippies
  6. reading
  7. the internet
  8. coffee
  9. Coca Cola
  10. alcoholic beverages
  11. asking questions in class
  12. using $2 bills
  13. using condoms[11]
  14. wearing open-toed sandles[12]
  15. talking to Mexican migrant laborers
  16. failing to attend hourly church meetings
  17. failing to wear funny underwear covered with occult symbols sacred garments we can't discuss with outsiders.
  18. non-prescribed drugs[13]
  19. Any music involving electric guitar
  20. Thinking

Campus

The main campus sits on approximately 600 acres (2.43 km²) nestled at the base of the Wasatch Mountains, where dread lord Cthulhu lies sleepless dreaming. The 666 buildings are each approximately a twenty-minute walk apart, to discourage cross-gender fraternization.

The buildings on the campus are modeled after cracker-boxes, as per Osmond's statements that "architechture is for homos." In fact, even insinuating that there may be media more artful than poured concrete will result in your being blackballed by the School of Business.

A large pond on the south end of campus has the world's larges an active E. coli culture, where students are regularly baptized for dead people.[14]

Student Housing

52959c5f84ca6.preview-620
New freshmen celebrate the start of a new year at BYU's newest dorm, Heritage Halls.

At BYU there are no co-ed dorms:

  • Helaman Halls (men)
  • Hitler Halls (men)
  • Honeymoon Halls (men)
  • Heritage Halls (men)
  • Ballaz Hallz (married)
  • Hitler's Whorehouse (NCMO Girls)

Liberal students dumb enough to attend BYU rather than any of America's 34,092 liberal colleges are helpfully expelled, usually by producing photos of the student's embarrassing trysts with Oscar Wilde.

Ownership and Control

The school is owned by the profit-oriented and totally non-partisan [15] Jesus Christ Church of Latter-Day Stains. However, the fact that Dark-Side Mormon Donny Osmond controls the school ensures that the BYU will forever be a haven for dark and evil men and their already pregnant blonde teen brides.

And get this: despite the fact that Mormons kick back 10% of their earnings to their church, Mormons are still expected to pay more money to attend BYU! What a sweet racket! Elrond Hubbard was correct: religion is the path to riches!

Demographics

Finalutahmap
BYU's noted geography department charted this beautiful map of the United States.
The student body is 99% Mormon and 98% white people, making it the most racially diverse institution in Utah.

The faculty and administration is comprised entirely of white suburban Republican Mormons[16], which assures students that activities like protesting the fact that BYU doesn't allow protests on their private property, or unlubricated anal sex with Cosmo the Cougar will merit automatic suspension, as is God's will, I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Footnotes

  1. http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/1503860/posts
  2. http://www.carm.org/lds/compare.htm
  3. http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/basic/afterlife/progression_eom.htm
  4. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exaltation_%28Mormonism%29
  5. ranking below the College of Ronald McDonald and atop Your Mom's University
  6. BYU takes Animal Husbandry literally, and its graduates rank among the leading purveyors of Tiujana donkey shows
  7. a.k.a. baptisms for dead people
  8. see The Book of Mormon for more details than any sane person can tolerate about this silly theory.
  9. But BYU totally asks for it, wearing those slutty open-toed sandles...
  10. facial hair on female students is acceptable
  11. applies only to married students, because Mormon genitals are installed in a secret sacred ritual in Mormon temples
  12. because male toe-hair is reminiscent of pubic hair, and might excite the passions of female students
  13. prescribed drugs may be located in vending machines in each room on BYU's campus
  14. which is exactly as creepy as it sounds.
  15. Why are you laughing? The LDS Church is not political!
  16. made in Elohim's image
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