BILLY MAYS

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Revision as of 16:50, January 17, 2009

Bouncywikilogo
FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN LIES, THE SO-CALLED-EXPERTS AT WIKIPEDIA HAVE AN ARTICLE ABOUT BILLY MAYS.
“WATCH THIS! BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY! WATCH THIS!”
~ BILLY MAYS on THIS ARTICLE
KABOOM!!!
~ BILLY MAYS on YOUR FACE
Billyboyscout

IS THERE ANYBODY MORE FUCKING TRUSTWORTHY THAN A GODDAMN BOY SCOUT?!?!? NO! THERE ISN'T! THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME WHEN I SAY "BUY NOW!!", MOTHERFUCKER, BUY NOW!!

“HI! BILLY MAYS HERE, FC-ING "VISIONS" ON EXPERT VOCALS!”
~ BILLY MAYS on ROCK BAND 2!
“HI, BILLY MAYS HERE, WATCH AS I SHOVE HERCULES HOOKS THREE INCHES UP MY ASSHOLE, WHILE SNORTING 5 POUNDS OF OXY CLEAN, CONCURRENT WITH ME GRILLING MY FLESH WITH A BIG CITY SLIDER STATION, AND AT THE SAME TIME I STICK 1/2 THE WORLDS SUPPLY OF MIGHTY PUTTY IN MY BELLY BUTTON! I WONDER IF iCAN HEALTH INSURANCE COVERS THIS!?!?!”
~ BILLY MAYS on his plan to assisinate then president JFK


HI! BILLY MAYS HERE, INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW PRODUCT! ARE YOUR COMMERCIALS LACKING STYLE? ARE YOUR SCRIPTS NOT POLISHED? WELL I HAVE THE PERFECT PRODUCT FOR YOU! MYSELF! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB AND YOU CAN HIRE ME TO DO YOUR COMMERCIAL FOR JUST 12 EASY PAYMENTS OF $1,399.99!

WHO THE HELL AM I?

AseenonTV

IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ME ON YOUR TELEVISION SELLING CLEANING PRODUCTS AT 2AM IN THE MORNING, THEN YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN SOME KIND OF GODDAMN CAVE!! BILLY MAYS, WHO HAPPENS TO BE ME, IS A FUCKING MARKETING GENIUS!! ONLY YESTERDAY I THOUGHT OF ANOTHER IDEA AFTER LISTENING TO MYSELF YELLING! WHAT IF... MY OBNOXIOUS SCREAMING WAS PUT INTO A JAR AND SHOVED UP EVERY ACTOR'S ASS ON THE TV SHOW "HOME IMPROVEMENT"?! IT'D BE THE SAME AMOUNT OF TALKING THEY DO ON THE SHOW AND THEREFORE TWICE THE ENTERTAINMENT!! AM I THE BOMB OR WHAT?!?! EVERY TIME I TALK I SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!

WHAT DO I HAVE THAT OTHERS DON'T?!!!

Billymays

BILLY MAYS: YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! BUY FUCKING RIGHT NOW!!!

YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF, WHY BUY BILLY MAYS WHEN YOU CAN BUY ANOTHER, MORE QUIET SPOKESMAN?! I CAN GET THE POINT ACROSS WITH A FRESH CLEAN SCENT, WITHOUT AMMONIA AND WITHOUT BLEACH! WATCH THIS! WATCH AS I SAND DOWN THIS VERY EXPENSIVE WOOD FLOOR WITH MY BEARD WHILE APPLYING A CLEANING SOLVENT AND TALKING! THE WOOD DRIES OUT! I ALSO HAVE A LOUD VOICE THAT CAN EXPLODE HEADS! NO OTHER SPOKESPERSON SPEAKS THIS FUCKING LOUD! YOU WILL ALSO NOTICE THAT I AM VERY EXPENSIVE FOR A SPOKESPERSON AND THAT IS GOOD!

I CAN FUCKING CLEAN TILES!

YOU BET YOUR ASS I CLEAN TILES! I BET YOU CAN'T CLEAN TILES! KABOOM! AND I SPRAY KABOOM ON THE TILE! IT'S NOT THE PRODUCT THAT CLEANS THE TILE! IT'S MY EXTREMELY LOUD VOICE! THAT'S RIGHT! THE SOUND WAVES FROM MY VOICE ACTUALLY OBLITERATE THE DIRT FROM THE TILE ON IMPACT! BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY, WATCH AS I SPIN A SHIRT IN A BOWL! WATCH AS I STICK A 45 POUND WEIGHT ON A DANGEROUSLY FLIMSY HOOK STUCK IN THE WALL! WATCH AS I FUCKING CLEAN ANOTHER TILE! I'M FUCKING AMAZING! I FUCKING BLEW MY HEAD OFF ONCE BECAUSE I SHOUTED SO DAMN LOUD!

Logo-kaboom

FRESH CLEAN SCENT!

OTHER SPOKESMEN HAVE HARSH FUMES! BILLY MAYS DOESN'T! I HAVE A FRESH CLEAN BEARD SCENT! DOES YOUR SPOKESMAN HAVE THE FRESH CLEAN SCENT OF BEARD?! I THINK NOT!

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME!

I WAS BORN ON JULY 20, 1958 IN McKEES ROCKS, PENNSYLVANIA, WHEREVER THAT IS! FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE I TOOK AN INTEREST IN YELLING LOUDLY AND CLEANING PRODUCTS!


  • I GAVE MY GRANDFATHER A SERIES OF STROKES WHEN I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLD!! I CAME INTO HIS ROOM AND INTERRUPTED HIS SLEEP FOR THREE CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS WHILE TRYING TO SELL HIM VARIOUS USED CLEANING SUPPLIES I FOUND UNDER THE KITCHEN SINK! IT WORKED!! HE WAS SO DISORIENTED BY MY SCREAMING THAT HE BOUGHT EVERYTHING!!
  • MY DAD'S A CARPENTER AND HE WAS IN THE GARAGE WORKING A WOODEN TABLE LEG ON THE LATHE WHEN I TOLD HIM "WOOD DRIES OUT DAD! BUY SOME OF THIS ORANGE SCENTED SLURRY I FOUND AT GOODWILL FOR ONLY $2.99*, THAT'S RIGHT, ONLY $2.99!*" HE BECAME STARTLED BY MY LOUD VOICE AND INSTANTLY DISLOCATED HIS ARM IN THE LATHE! I THREW THAT ORANGE CRAP AT THE MACHINE AND KABOOM! AT ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD I HAD JUST INVENTED A PROTECTIVE COATING THAT'S NOW CALLED ORANGE GLO!
  • WHEN I WAS NINE YEARS OLD I SAW MY MOTHER DOING THE LAUNDRY, SO I WALKED UP BEHIND HER AND YELLED "WATCH THIS MA!", CAUSING HER TO DUMP A BUNCH OF BLEACH INTO OUR COLORED TOWELS, MAKING THEM ALL SHINY WHITE!! THAT GAVE ME AN IDEA!! WHY NOT BLEACH THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING WITH A PRODUCT CALLED OXI-WHITE!!
  • MY ARCH ENEMY IS THE SHAM-WOW GUY!

*PLUS $7.99 S&H

BillyMays2

SPRAY IT, THEN DRINK IT!!!

BUY TODAY

BUY ME TODAY AND YOU GET A HUGE ASS BOTTLE OF BLEACH TO SPRAY AND DRINK RIGHT AFTER YOU SEE MY COMMERCIAL!! FOR FREE!!! CALL RIGHT NOW AND I WON'T BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE A WINE GLASS IN A MEMOREX COMMERCIAL! SAVE YOURSELF AND CALL RIGHT NOW!! A TRAINED OPERATOR (ME) IS STANDING BY TO TAKE YOUR ORDERS! CALL TODAY AND BUY ME FOR YOUR COMMERCIAL!

*I AM NOW AVAILABLE IN THOSE FUCKING ANNOYING AS SEEN ON TV STORES AT THE MALL! BUY ME!! ACT NOW! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED! I AM AVAILABLE IN THREE DIFFERENT COLORS AND SCENTS! BUY TODAY!!!

ALSO BUY MY BILLY MAYS NEW YORK STYLE BURGERS, BIATCH! COOK THEM, STACK 'EM, AND WATCH YOUR FAMILY ATTACK 'EM.

MIGHT PUTTY!!! YOU CAN PUT YOUR HAND UNDER A PIECE OF CONCRETE SUSPENDED BY MIGHTY PUTTY! WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. IT HAS NO RELEVANCE, BUT IT LOOKS IMPORTANT.

SEE WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT ME

BEETHOVEN HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT ME!
Cquote1 He's probably the best spokesperson I've ever seen because he's the only spokesperson I ever heard. Cquote2
LARRY KING SAID THIS ABOUT ME AFTER AN INTERVIEW!
Cquote1 Kaboom, and my hearing was finally gone. Cquote2
A CUSTOMER FROM FLORIDA SAID THIS ABOUT ME!
Cquote1 Apparently Billy Mays was not pleased that I was not putting his cleaning products to good use due to the fact that my bathroom still looked like shit. So he showed up at my house in a very clean white van at around 2 AM. At first I was very pleased to see Billy come to my house since I have no life and spend my days planted on the couch watching TV. Billy started walking towards me with his trademark smiling bearded face, As I got my self ready to greet him he started shouting loudly "FOR ONLY $10.99 MORE YOU COULD HAVE BOUGHT THE EXTRA STRENGTH CLEANER FOR YOUR PIECE OF SHIT BATHROOM!!!!" I was totally shocked and confused, I stood there in shock and disbelief! Then before I knew it Billy rushed back to his van, whipped out a huge EXTRA VALUE TUB of Kaboom and then proceeded to rip my eyeballs out of their sockets and dipped them in Kaboom, hereby blinding me for the rest of my life! Cquote2
YES I HAVE FANS! ONE OF THEM SAID THIS ABOUT ME!
Cquote1 I have to admit, Billy Mays may have a very loud voice, but that smile, and that twinkle in his eyes? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Daddy bear! I agree with all the other bears who've posted here, that that man is one hot woof! Have his baby? Sure, hell yeah. Since a guy can't get pregnant, we'd just have to try and try and try again...and I certainly wouldn't wanna kick his ass. What I would do, well...uhm..any bears here who wanna email me and talk about it, no problem! :-{)} Billy Mays would make an excellent houseboy, playmate, whatever. I'd do him in a new york minute, (and even THAT wouldn't be fast enough for me.) Everyone dissing him, just has nothing else better to do than to be pissy and annoying...let the real men drool over him...I know I'd just be in a very long line wanting to boff that bear! Billy, you would be welcome in the homes of bears everywhere...including mine! :-{)} Cquote2
CHECK OUT THIS INPUT FROM CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
Cquote1 Billy Mays sells things on TV. Cquote2
AND HERE'S ONE FROM CAPTAIN UNDERSTATEMENT!
Cquote1 On average, Billy Mays talks slightly louder than the average person. Cquote2
THERE'S MORE! I HAVE ONE FROM CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS!
Cquote1 Who? I might have seen him on TV one or twice. Cquote2

BUT I'M NOT DONE YET

I AM ALSO EXPANDING MY BUSINESS INTO SELLING SELF-HELP DVDS TITLED "HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF" AND "BE HEARD!!!!" I AM NOW OFFERING THESE VIDEOS FOR FREE TO ALL CUSTOMERS WHO SPEND AT LEAST $100.00 ON MY CLEANING PRODUCTS. ESSENTIALLY, THIS DVD CAN BE PLAYED CONTINUOUSLY THROUGHOUT THE DAY! THE DVD ALSO CONTAINS 2 BONUS FEATURES WITH "BILLY MAYS: HOW I BECAME LOUD AND WEALTHY" AND FULL LENGTH COMMERCIALS OF NONE OTHER THAN ME CLEANING!!! WOW HOW MUCH FUN IS THAT!?! WATCH AT YOUR LEISURE!!!!!!!! JUST IMAGINE MY SMILING YET OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD AND BEARDED FACE TALKING CONTINUOUSLY WHILE YOU LADIES ARE AT HOME CLEANING!!

BUT I'M STILL NOT DONE!!

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A HINT AND SHUT THE HELL UP, I'M STILL NOT DONE!! I'M NOW OFFERING ONE VERY LUCKY CUSTOMER A CHANCE TO MEET ME IN PERSON!! I WILL SHOW UP AT YOUR HOUSE IN A LARGE AND VERY CLEAN WHITE VAN LOADED WITH MY WORLD FAMOUS CLEANING PRODUCTS!! I WILL THEN BURST INTO YOUR HOME AND CLEAN EVERY GOD DAMNED THING IN MY LINE OF FIRE!!! FOR FREE!!! IMAGINE THAT!!!!!! PLEASE DO NOT DELAY!! I AM ONLY HOLDING THIS SPECIAL OFFER DURING THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS!!! THIS ARTICLE IS DEDICATED TO THE FUCKING MEMORY OF MY SON OF A BITCH YOUNGER BROTHER, TOURETTE'S GUY!!!! AND REMEMBER, FUCK THAT PALMOLIVE SHIT! BUY MY SHIT OR I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SCREAM AT YOUR FACE UNTIL IT FALLS OFF AND DROPS INTO A BUCKET OF KABOOM!!!!

SEE OTHER THINGS WITH ME!


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