BBC Worldwide: Children's Television
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In recent years BBC Worldwide has grossed over £250 million selling pre-school children's television across the globe with the explicit intention of subverting the morals of the world's toddlers by shamelessly promoting its liberal, homoerotic agenda. With the success of The Tweenies, Balamory and others it is easy to forget that this was not the Beeb's first attempt at global dominion.
In the late 1940's, in the face of Imperial decline, the BBC governor's decided to exploit the soft-power of British broadcasting excellence by commissioning ideas for children's programmes from a host of well-known cultural figures. Despite the eminence of the authors approached few of the scripts went into production: John Maynard Keynes' "Charlie, Lola and the need for monetary expansion" was felt to lack empathy for the economic dis-empowerment of four year olds, while Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Noddy" was condemned as "meaningless clap-trap laced with unnecessary racism towards Goblins." Even world-renowned children's author Enid Blyton was not immune to disappointment with her high profile collaboration with Danish theoretical Physicist, Professor Nils Bohr, ("The Secret Seven and the Mystery of Quantum Uncertainty") considered "so lacking in plot as to be incoherent", and her joint-effort with pioneering American Psychologist, Dr. Timothy Leary ("Five go mad on Mescaline") found to be "A positive menace to the morals of children everywhere."
Only three of the original twelve series were completed. Perhaps the most critically acclaimed of the three was Dylan Thomas's heart-wrenching account of Tellytubbies forced to spend 12 hours a day excavating custard for a merciless mine-owner in the ravaged Welsh industrial town of Pant-y-Hôs. Well regarded across the Atlantic, In the Night Garden was created by ex-patriot American author and feminist Ernest Hemingway. The series portrayed Iggle Piggle's battle against suicidal inclinations following the break-down of his relationship with Makka Pakka, initially by involving himself in the vicious war between the Wottingers and Haa-foos and later by plunging into a doomed love affair with syphilitic Nurse Upsy Daisy in a filthy field hospital. But without doubt the most frequently repeated of these series across the globe was the animated series "Scoobie-Doo, pray where art thou?", the script of which was reputedly dictated to psychic medium Doris Bulschidt by the spirit of Will.i.am Shakespeare.
edit Dylan Thomas' Tellytubbies
Four brightly coloured miners clank slowly towards the surface.
Over the hills, the dust-dark, dusk-dark hills,and far away,
Stooped, sore of knee, eyes red with lungs a-fireTeletubbies come out to play.
The second follows,
Yellow with jaundice Doctor Prys could cureIf three Guineas could be spared for his fee.
The last stumbles into the light,Red with rage restrained.
Four Teletubbies are counted,
Shift over,Into the giggling sunlight that laughs at their pain.
A steel pipe rises from stunted, runted grass
Brown and bent.
Flaccid and powerless.
Like an old man’s member.Never again to penetrate the leaden skies.
Periscopic, his eye searches the withered horizon.
Mutters to himself.
Gutters like a candle soon to be extinguished.
Watches his staff escape their subterranean confinement,
And frets over Tubby-Custard hidden within their lunch pails.
Yellow as his bile,
Cold like his soul,
More ancient than time.
He sends a lick-spittle lackey to suck the custard-powder from their clothes,
His powder stuck to their unworthy backs,With sweat he has paid for.
Mind unhinged by shame,
He hears his dead wife's words echo:“Do not go mental for that crude shite”.
“Time for Teletubbies,” it intones.“Time for teletubbies! Time for Teletubbies to leave the premises!”
Should Tubby souls trudge to their doom?
They dance and sing,
for life exists beyond colliery gates,Squeezed between blancmange-waste and graveyard.
Twirls his blonde hair into a spiral
And giggles at a joke no one shares.
A joke never heard.
A joke in his mind alone,
invisible and silent.
Someone has amused Laa-LaaAnd that person is himself.
Stress of work affects the mind says Doctor Prys.
But Laa-Laa sees the future.
The mine collapsed,
Breath squeezed from his body 'neath tonnes of shale.
He sees halt landlord, Jenkins, break down the front-door
And scream to see the bodies of young boys stacked in the pantry.
Long denuded of skin,
Consumed by mice and Laa-Laa.The most Divine Comedy.
Hankers for Stalin,
Dreams of Grosvenor dangling from a tree,Guts spilled crimson on tainted soil.
edit Ernest Hemingway's In The Night Garden
Darkness fills the spaces between looming trees.
A man, handsome and bearded, sips deeply from the last of the Cognac,Aware of his own genius.
edit Will.i.am Shakespeare's "Scoobie Doo, pray where art thou?"
| Scoobie Doobie Doo, where art thou?|
Thou hast work to do now.
Scoobie Doobie Doo, where art thou?
We doth have need of aid from thee now.
Hie thee, Scoobie Doo, I see thou,
Pretending thou hast a sliver.
Foul scorn! A ninny thou be-est for I see-est
The manner in which thou shake-eth and shivr -eth.
Forsooth, we hath a mystery to solve,
So Scoobie Doo gird thy loins!
Earn some coins!
Fair Scoobie Doo,
Should thou come through,
Thou may purchase thyself
A Scoobie Snack,
Verily, that's a fact !
Scoobie Doobie Doo, where art thou?
Thou art ready and thou art willin'
Fair befall thee Scoobie Doo
I know we shall enslave that villein.