BBC News
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Fiona Bruce: yeah right its not like you've Abzorbed one of our presenters like juliet dunlop (Juliet rumbles).
Fiona: what.
Juliet: i said you really don't won't to know. Juliet is squashed back on the chair as julies sexy arse gets back on the chair (Fiona farts).
Fiona: Oh Shit.
“BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP!”
“Not to worry, no hurricane coming this way. That? That's just a little gust of wind”
BBC News is the news part of the BBC, the British Broadcasting Corporation.
BBC News has remained incredibly unpopular in the United States over the years due in part to its decision to broadcast in English, an archaic language almost completely unknown on the other side of the Atlantic. Nevertheless, many experts believe that BBC News is only source of many American's sense of identity and geographical information about the world. In addition one does not need more than 4 televisions just to fit the broadcaster's face, as one would on say, CNN.
BBC News also has a daily weather bulletin. Amazingly, it nearly always works. This is because the weather does not change in Britain. Indeed, the last time it was sunny locals in Norfolk fled to the nearby Tample to Ra to pray for the 'yellow-ball' to go away. On the other hand, Britain does not suffer from drought, pestilence, explosive diahorrea, leprosy, South Virginia, the Black Sea, obesity, drought, South Virginia, horrendously cold temperatures, heatwaves, floods, South Virginia or South Virginia like many other countries. the locals complain anyway.
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[edit] BBC News Bulletins
BBC News has three main bulletins: 1:08 O'clock news, 6 O'clock news and/or (not the) 9 O'clock news. All broadcasting is done by people who speak with Recieved Pronounciation (toff-talk to you peasants) for the simple reason that it is by far the best way to speak. In addition, the following people would need subtitles: -Americans -Frenchmen -Scots And, of course, if someone who didn't speak with Recieved Pronounciation read the news, civilization as we know it would collapse. Of course, this will not happen until Hell Freezes Over, Accrington Stanley FC win the world cup, America sinks under the weight of it's people, or France wins something. See? We're safe.
[edit] 1 o'clock news
The 1 o'clock news started back in 1867 when Anna Ford and Moira Stuart did their first broadcast (surprisingly, it took the BBC until 2006 to sack them for being old).
Since 2006, baby-care-centre owner Sophie Raworth took over. Originally starting on Look North she was hardly noticed (her prominent feature is her blonde hair which is not visible on the latest, hi-tech, black and white televisions that the North East were given in 1993). She then moved onto Breakfast television where she presented with Jeremy Bowen (who is currently on the security desk in Television Centre). It was then she was offered a job with a patronymic git on the 6, before being shuved off by a wannabee celeb.
She is currently pregnant with her 46th child by the man in the below picture. This scene is one of the most famous events in BBC Television history as she soon slaps the weather presenter for refusing to pay money towars their child's care.
[edit] 6 o'clock news
This is presented by a patronising git and a wannabee celeb. However, Kaplinksky is to move to Channel 5 (sorry, just 'five') for a deal worth £5,000,000,000 per year and will be considered the "Queen of five", knocking Dez Lynam out of the competition. Below is an image of George Alagiah introducing a very important mispelt headline.
[edit] 9/10 o'clock news
Presented by Huw Edwards, the Ten O'clock news is considered the BBC's flagship bullitin. As mentioned above, Huw's mouth is opened and closed by a fishing rod.
[edit] Reporting Scotland
Broadcast only in England so the southerners can learn all about the ways of their cousins to the north. Because of the high level of interest in all things Scottish it is the most watched of all BBC news programmes (except the ones that have Fiona Bruce in them, seriously, have you seen her?) Reporting Scotland has never done a report on underage drinking or how we're all (except Jackie Bird) getting fat.
[edit] Who watches BBC News
- British
- Dorks
- British Dorks
- Actors studying for the role of a British person who is trying to get the accent right: they will utterly fail
- Doctor Who fans
- Your dad (if he's British)
- Your mum (if she's British)
- Seriously not the French
- People who think they're British
[edit] Fun Facts
- There is always one fart sound hidden in every broadcast, many viewers watch for the sole reason of locating the lone fart sound and sharing these finding with co-workers.
- BBC is also known as "the Banging Banging Channel"
- They often dressed in drag, thus they attracted the epithet "Attilla the Nun".
- They invented the cornball "It was a dark and stormy night..." format for news reporting.
- Half of it's programming consists of "drums and beeps" synchronised with an unusually long countdown.
- A typical story may run along the lines: "It was a dark and stormy night when an unsuspecting Macgregor Mathers stepped out of his Bentley to find himself brutally stabbed to the pavement." and then continue.
- BBC News own Surrey and other counties of the Rich UK where they continually rankle sexually repressed heterosexuals into ankle biting fetishes.
- The most popular BBC Newsreader to date has been Noel Edmunds, who was unfairly dismissed after shaving his beard off for Children in Need. Many letters of protest were received in the aftermath, but Noel was never reinstated.
- It was named the "Bagdad Broadcasting Corporation" after their exemplary reports from the front lines on the battle of infamous nature.
- Due to cutbacks in the wardrobe budget and the fact that the viewer never needs to see the presenter's legs, presenters are naked from the waist down.
- In the eyes of many, the show has never been the same since the departure of Nicholas Witchell
- The majority of BBC News' funding goes toward the fishing line used to open Huw Edwards' mouth. It can not be visible from the eye but if you look carefully you can definantely see that it is attached to the left side. Unfortunately this has meant that chairs for presenters had to be sold off and presenters can now be see standing for most of the time.
- BBC is also known for hunting down endangered animals so we can make them extinct.
