BBC News
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Fiona Bruce: yeah right its not like you've Abzorbed one of our presenters like juliet dunlop (Juliet rumbles).
Fiona: what.
Juliet: i said you really don't won't to know. Juliet is squashed back on the chair as julies sexy arse gets back on the chair (Fiona farts).
Fiona: Oh Shit.
“BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP! BOOP!”
~ Oscar Wilde on BBC News
“Not to worry, no hurricane coming this way. That? That's just a little gust of wind”
BBC News is a major broadcaster of anecdotes in the world today. They are the main way of telling people how bad Britain epically fail. Its programmes are written on average by about 120 monkeys, pornographers, novelists, bad poets, narcoleptics, freelance journalists, free lances and lances, and Pixies. BBC News is now a multimedia brand and can be found on TV, radio, the internet, in certain toilet stalls in Waterloo Station and shouted out of windows.
Founded in 1922, the BBC News is set on a fictional island in the North Sea known as Britain. Its cast of characters range from the Prime Minister to rape victims.
BBC News has remained incredibly unpopular in the United States over the years due in part to its decision to broadcast in English, an archaic language almost completely unknown on the other side of the Atlantic. Nevertheless, many experts believe that BBC News is only source of many American's sense of identity and geographical information about the world.
BBC News also reports the weather forecast. It has successfully predicted rain for Northern Europe for the last century despite the lack of meteorologists on its staff.
Contents |
[edit] BBC News Bulletins
- BBC News has three main bulletins: 1 O'clock news, 6 O'clock news and/or (not the) 9/10 O'clock news.
[edit] 1 o'clock news
The 1 o'clock news started back in 1867 when Anna Ford and Moira Stuart did their first broadcast (surprisingly, it took the BBC until 2006 to sack them for being old).
Since 2006, baby-care-centre owner Sophie Raworth took over. Originally starting on Look North she was hardly noticed (her prominent feature is her blonde hair which is not visible on the latest, hi-tech, black and white televisions that the North East were given in 1993). She then moved onto Breakfast television where she presented with Jeremy Bowen (who is currently on the security desk in Television Centre). It was then she was offered a job with a patronymic git on the 6, before being shuved off by a wannabee celeb.
She is currently pregnant with her 46th child by the man in the below picture. This scene is one of the most famous events in BBC Television history as she soon slaps the weather presenter for refusing to pay money towars their child's care.
[edit] 6 o'clock news
This is presented by a patronising git and a wannabee celeb. However, Kaplinksky is to move to Channel 5 (sorry, just 'five') for a deal worth £5,000,000,000 per year and will be considered the "Queen of five", knocking Dez Lynam out of the competition. Below is an image of George Alagiah introducing a very important mispelt headline.
[edit] 9/10 o'clock news
Presented by Huw Edwards, the Ten O'clock news is considered the BBC's flagship bullitin. As mentioned above, Huw's mouth is opened and closed by a fishing rod.
[edit] Reporting Scotland
Broadcast only in England so the southerners can learn all about the ways of their cousins to the north. Because of the high level of interest in all things Scottish it is the most watched of all BBC news programmes (except the ones that have Fiona Bruce in them, seriously, have you seen her?) Reporting Scotland has never done a report on underage drinking or how we're all (except Jackie Bird) getting fat.
[edit] Who watches BBC News
- British
- Dorks
- British Dorks
- Actors studying for the role of a British person who is trying to get the accent right: they will utterly fail
- Doctor Who fans
- Your dad (if he's British)
- Your mum (if she's British)
- Seriously not the French
- People who think there British
[edit] Fun Facts
- There is always one fart sound hidden in every broadcast, many viewers watch for the sole reason of locating the lone fart sound and sharing these finding with co-workers.
- BBC is also known as "the Banging Banging Channel"
- They often dressed in drag, thus they attracted the epithet "Attilla the Nun".
- They invented the cornball "It was a dark and stormy night..." format for news reporting.
- Half of it's programming consists of "drums and beeps" synchronised with an unusually long countdown.
- A typical story may run along the lines: "It was a dark and stormy night when an unsuspecting Macgregor Mathers stepped out of his Bentley to find himself brutally stabbed to the pavement." and then continue.
- BBC News own Surrey and other counties of the Rich UK where they continually rankle sexually repressed heterosexuals into ankle biting fetishes.
- The most popular BBC Newsreader to date has been Noel Edmunds, who was unfairly dismissed after shaving his beard off for Children in Need. Many letters of protest were received in the aftermath, but Noel was never reinstated.
- It was named the "Bagdad Broadcasting Corporation" after their exemplary reports from the front lines on the battle of infamous nature.
- Due to cutbacks in the wardrobe budget and the fact that the viewer never needs to see the presenter's legs, presenters are naked from the waist down.
- In the eyes of many, the show has never been the same since the departure of Nicholas Witchell
- The majority of BBC News' funding goes toward the fishing line used to open Huw Edwards' mouth. It can not be visible from the eye but if you look carefully you can definantely see that it is attached to the left side. Unfortunately this has meant that chairs for presenters had to be sold off and presenters can now be see standing for most of the time.
- BBC is also known for hunting down endangered animals so we can make them extinct.
