B.J. Thomas

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BJ Thomas in 1972

Imagine, a Christian rocker with long hair.

“OOH Ga Cha Ga”
~ "Blue Swede" on being hooked on a feeling

Bucyrus Jezebiah (B.J.) Thomas (born August 7, 1942 in Snake's Hips, Oklahoma) is the popular-music artist who created and sang Hooked on a Feeling, the culmination of a long career of trying to work his way up the charts of Christian rock, a genre that only appeals to an audience that is usually burning pop records in bonfires. The song was a catchy song with a positive message and a danceable beat. It also included an electric sitar, endearing it to an audience occupying even a smaller niche than Gospel rockers. It earned B.J. the position he so richly deserved, on the list of artists with one-hit wonders.

Libertadores

Swedish rockers "Blue Swede" Featuring Björn Skifs.

Sadly, the 'Sixties ended, the Swedish pop group Blue Swede decided that what the song needed was a little bossa nova and a lot of African chanting. The most unnecessary and awful cover in the annals of music vaulted up the Billboard Hot 100 list to #1, and only because Billboard doesn't have a Hot 1 list.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to One-hit wonders.

The rest was history. And suddenly, B.J. was not.

edit The early days

Where most often you hear the story of musicians and artists selling their souls to Satan for a #1 hit, B.J. took the opposite road and sold his soul to Jesus for a donated guitar picked up from a Salvation Army store and a Bible he purchased from one of the drawers in a Motel 6 for 12 cents and cleaning their toilets for the first time ever. B.J. was 19 years old when he sold his soul, and God sent him "Hooked on a Feeling" via FedEx, which B.J. had to sign and pay for on delivery. God may work in mysterious ways, but he's still a cheapskate! B.J. recorded the song and it went to #1 in 3 countries simultaneously.

B.J said it was a prayer come true, and that he was going to be bigger than Elvis and The Beatles combined. What B.J did not know however was that when you sell your soul to The Late J.C. and his old man, like wearing a tampon, it comes with strings attached. He was granted his wish to be a #1 selling song writer, but he did not foresee that he would only have one hit. Now left without a soul to sell, or enough money to buy a new one, he has been stuck in limbo known solely as a one-hit wonder.

edit Recycling the one thing you have

After trying to buy his way to a new hit song, or one that would be at least slightly known, he realized that even born-again Christians wouldn't buy his crap. He was going to have to milk his one and only hit until the teat was red and raw. He attempted to remix the song and release a disco version of Hooked On A Feeling accompanied by a B-side track featuring Ike and Tina Turner covering the track. However it resulted in nothing more than people now thinking Ike and Tina wrote the song. The name B.J. Thomas faded into complete obscurity.

Just when it seemed B.J. couldn't do anything worse to his already dead and buried career, he turned to the heavens again and tried to sell holy water and Christ crackers. His intention was that Christian and Catholic churches would buy his labeled brand of tap water which had a tattoo of a set of rosary beads, and his Ritz crackers that he carved a crucifix into with the needle end of a sewing pin. Unfortunately this was done way before the mid 1990's, so no one was dumb enough to buy tap water at $4 a bottle yet, and his crackers didn't sell because, well, McDonalds cookies are still so much cuter and less than half the price!

edit The Last Testament of B.J Thomas

J-Bieb

For Bieber to pan the song may have been a blessing in disguise, as it will keep the Top 100 free from, "♪♪ Hooked on a Feeling, baby, baby. ♪♪"

B.J. finally just gave in and opened a Home Depot in MacAllen, Texas, right on the Mexican border. He does not make that much of a living now, money-wise — at last report, well below minimum wage — but it is still ten times more than he has ever made from royalties to "Hooked on a Feeling." The last time B.J. made any news was in 2009 when he asked Justin Bieber to cover his one and only hit, offering to throw in a free hammer and drill set. Bieber however declined the offer saying the song was "whack," and he already is the only tool he needs.

edit Where is he now?

He's deader than the career of Carrot Top! After receiving the biggest slap in the face an adult artist can get from a teenager still at the bus stop waiting for the ride to puberty, B.J. took his own life by filling an above-ground pool with the contents of the 10,000 unsold liter bottles of "Hooked on Holy Water," throwing in all the leftover, stale crumbs of his failed "Christ Crackers."

The mixture had the consistency of quicksand. But B.J. was able to step onto it and stand as though on solid ground! He strode into the middle of the pool, feeling a glow come down from the heavens as if he were the new Messiah! He was literally walking on water! This joyous feeling made B.J. happy once again, and he felt he had finally found his call in life. He raised him arms up to the sky and joyfully began the chorus of Hooked on a Feeling.

Sadly, it was then that the LORD hit the reject button on His cosmic jukebox. A bolt of lightning shot down from the sky and briefly electrified B.J. Now sporting hair like Don King, and skin like Don King's last chicken dinner, B.J. blinked once and slowly began to sink through the compound. The scene resembled the one in Terminator II where Arnie was lowered into molten metal. However, whereas the Terminator went out with a thumbs-up, B.J., perhaps disgusted with the poor payback for a life of devoutness, struck back. Emerging from the crypt of hardening quicksand was a middle finger pointed back at the heavens. I never liked your music either!

edit See also

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