Aztec

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[edit] Medical discoveries

The Aztec are perhaps best known for human sacrifice which, as new archaeological evidence suggests, they never practiced. It is most likely that the Spanish conquistadors, who saw blood splattered on walls everywhere, were not aware they were actually visiting an Aztec hospital after successful heart removal. Even today some tourists mistakenly believe they visit Aztec temples while they are actually visiting Aztec hospitals. Indeed, the Mayo clinic derives its name from the Mayan Indians who learned about open heart surgery from the Aztec.

Furthermore the Aztec had a remarkably well organized ambulance system. Despite the lack of politicians and the Internet, carriers managed to carry ill patients from Huitzilopochtli to Tlaxcatlan Hospital in less than three hours. It is said that the Aztec High-Priest Ahuizotl personally healed 80.000 ill patients during the inauguration of Monctezuma in 1487, when he should have been initiating a war against Singapore.

In short, Aztec were cute, cuddly, soft spoken and damn good at crossword puzzles and cross stitch. Their placid and idyllic culture would still be with us today if it hadn't been for those meany Europeans, sickening the native population with colourfully animated, yet ultimately boring, speeches about burning in hell and Jesus and pot-bellied elephants and so on and so forth.

[edit] Sports

The most famous sport for the Aztec was called "Hechtol Neotyl" or "Little Whining Calf With A Shriveled Rectum". Not much is known about the ancient sport, but it is said they played the game for weeks on end. The rules were simple, no sexual intercourse with the "tight" calf, and no Escalades. The goal was to pick up the calf, hurl it onto your back, then run down field trying to get the calf to puke. If it did, the victorious team would then proceed to rip out the rectum and smack the opposing team with it. While simultaneously being barraged by the rotting, bloody, shriveled rectum, they would try to grab the rectum back, if anyone puked on either team, that man would then get his rectum torn from underneath and the other team members would receive it to continue smacking others in the face. The rectum-less man would then be eliminated and the game continued until all players from one team were rectum-less. To decide which team would carry the calf down-field first they decided to kill a slave girl and guess what color blood would spill. A popular guess was red.

[edit] The Mayans

The Aztecs fucking hated the Mayans. They were often compared to the Mayans, however, when asked about the similarities in their cultures, the Aztecs were quick to respond that the Mayans were a bunch of queers. As a rite of passage in the Aztec community, young Aztec men would travel hundreds of miles to the nearest Mayan cities and routinely defecate in, on and/or around the faces of any Mayan children they could find.

The Mayans would repeatedly try to make peace with the Aztecs, however all attempted were received with a shower of feces from the tops of buildings.

In the words of King Xaxaucozapartictaczxadfgaouc (translated to "He Who Sees All But Cares Not Jaguar Snake Puma Goatfuck): "The Mayans are just a bunch of pussies. Fuck them. It just pisses me off to talk about them."

Aztec in battle.

[edit] Other unsorted accomplishments

They were the first to use high tech weaponry. 'Az' was the Aztec word for 'high', and since they were a race of giants they called themselves Az-techs. Their empire reached its peak during World War II, in which the Aztec stormed the beaches at the Battle of Galapagos, breaking the Inca control on the region.

The Az-techs had a variety of weapons, and the most famous was a mind-controlled electromagnetic experimental unit. Their most feared weapon was a robotic eagle, eating snakes and cacti. Unfortunately the Spanish carried computer viruses, damaging the Az-tech systems.

Another example of Az-tech weaponry, were their super heavy proton cannons, which were so heavy, it took the combined power of 2 ants to move it across battlefields. They fired extremely dense beams of protons at their enemies but were finally considered obsolete due to the shortage of ants to move them.

The Aztec also used a highly accurate calendar. Since they were not aware of time zones however, the Aztec calendar is completely useless today. Eccept when paranoid people want somethig to rant on about, like in 2040 there will be a giant alien that god created called Niubriu and he will eat Heaven Earth and Hell.

[edit] Modern Times

Many Aztec are still alive today, surviving undercover as normal people across the world. The Aztec discovered the secret of immortality, and in order to protect the secret, faked the destruction of their own empire. A remnant of the old Aztec Empire still exists today, spear-headed by none other than Bill Gates, the last king of the Aztec Empire. The new Aztec Empire is named Im~Ake~T~Hin~Gsthatsux, also known as Microsoft in the English language.