Ayn Rand

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Ayn Rand

Ayn Rand: with her bug-eyed stare and her extremely sharp shoulder pads, many proclaimed her to be the perfect woman.

Ayn Rand (born Alisa Zinov'yevna Rosenbum, February 2 [O.S. January 20] 1905 - March 6, 1982) was a Russian-born (or "preemie") philosopher and individualist, concoction of the RAND Corporation, and founder of the school of objectivism. Objectivism is a populist political philosophy in the American classical liberal tradition.

Ayn Rand herself is a controversial figure, being the only known example in history of someone who was completely self-made, assembling her own atoms from the void.

She didn't need anybody at all.


For anything.

She rarely even needed herself.

And the feeling was mutual.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ayn Rand.

edit Early Life

Children and bassoon

Children: According to reports, Ayn Rand used to be a child at one point.

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Ayn Rand gave birth to herself in Czarian Russia, just to show that she was tough enough. Born at the age of zero, Ayn immediately claimed to be 3. She set about teaching herself Russian-- considered a difficult task at any age. At first, Ayn subsisted on milk stolen from local cattle before moving on to directly killing them. The local farmers referred to her as "пизда" the "cattle hacker." Or something (Russian is hard!).

Ayn was known for her ability to make her own clothes from raw materials - not that she needed clothes. At the age of 2, she was able to not only make the blanket she was coddled in, but to coddle herself: the beginning of a destructive life-long habit. Living far away from civilization, Ayn began her tutelage under Ayn Rand, the Russian-born philosopher and individualist, founder of the school of Objectivism.

Ayn's solitary life came to an end when she was asked by the new communist government to share her individuality with the state. The proletariat chafed, claiming their union with Rand would make them Aynus. Rand didn't like this much either. By "this" I mean sharing. Not authoritarian Marxist-Leninist style socialism - only sharing. Just the concept of sharing.

Sharing is something learned by the time a normal child enters kindergarten.

Ayn was granted a visa in 1925 and a mastercard in 1927. She visited her relatives in Chicago and never returned to Russia. The "flying contraption" she created over that weekend out of sticks, held together by borscht, to fly the 10,000+ miles was the prototype used for our stealth bombers today.

edit Early Fiction

Rand decided to enter the world of writing in her early 20's without ever having actually talked to a human being. Her early fiction, especially her first novel, "We the Drivelling" was was an autobiographical account of her Benzedrine addiction. As with most of her early works, it used ideas stolen from Nietzsche and later appropriated by the Nazis.

Ayn's early writings made basic assumptions about humanity, such as their existence and weakness for cheese. She only needed to study humans for a few seconds before she began thinking of herself as better than them. This is when her fiction began to take on a life of its own, and her life a fiction of its own.

edit Political Activism and Objectivism

Rand, who wasn't hip to democracy's jive, was unwillingly pulled into it. In the 1940s, after allowing a man (yes, another human being) to marry her, she wrote her first real novel, "The Fountainhead," a story about a guy who kills people because they aren't as cool as him. The novel also features clues to the whereabouts of Rand's own murder victims. Senator Joseph McCarthy said of the novel: "Rand gives good fountainhead."

Rand, who still survived off the land during this time - a handful of dirt she dubbed "aynland" - started the philosophical movement called "Objectivism": So called because it is highly objectionable... not like those OTHER philosophies. Rand thought about calling her philosophy "Existentialism" but that name was already being used by the Cartesian Dualists. Ayn Rand herself thought of Objectivism as the responsible son in a family of "total retards. Just... just total retards."

Ayn did not like retards.

edit Atlas Shrugged

I am john galt

Rand's fictional Superman John Galt, poster-boy for the mentally unstable.

Rand's Objectivist utopia, exemplified in her best known novel, Atlas Shrugged, revolves around "John Galt," a middle manager who rose through the ranks at a local television station without any help from anyone, ever, at all. The novel was written before television became irrelevant, and modern Objectivists usually replace "television station" with the more contemporary "dial-up modem"

Galt and the others at the station are being taxed for creating programming which is simply too good, such as "Doogie Howser, M.D." "Charles in Charge," and "My Mother the Car".

The nightmarish dystopian vision of a government which provides a social safety net for the poor and sick and a stable living for all its people is the central focus in the book. John Galt continues being rank until he becomes rich, at which point he blows up some houses.

The book is interspersed with long-winded diatribes, popular with jackasses. Ayn loved jackasses.

Despite being a piece of crap - or perhaps for this reason - Atlas Shrugged became an international bestseller. In an interview with Mike Wallace, Rand declared herself "the most thinker alive". After completing the novel, Mike Wallace fell into a severe depression.

edit Sharing

Ayn Rand believed people who enjoyed sharing would also enjoy complete slavery. In Atlas Shrugged, the punishment for sharing was instant and complete slavery. According to Rand, because sharing actually lessens the amount of a goods available to you, it is bad. Sharing means less good. It bad. Bad, sharing! Bad. She is the origin of the term "random".

edit Poverty

According to Rand, poverty is Society's punishment for being poor.

When Ayn first came to America, her first sight was of the New York skyline: a testimony to the phallusy of the American Wet Dream. At the time of construction, it was possible to send one's children through college by being a construction worker; whereas nowadays it's more likely for college students to end up buried in construction sites.

edit Religion

Rand's "family" traditionally worshiped the Peloponnesian god of luaus, Big Papa Ono. Leaving behind the idea of constant flower necklaces and suckling pigs, Rand denied the existence of God her entire life. In the spirit of fair play, God denied the existence of Ayn Rand. Although every single member of Congress who purports to be an Objectivist identifies as a Christian; nobody cares.

edit Cultural Influence

Janice Rand 2266

Her descendant, Yoeman Janice Rand, despised The Federation.

  • Objectivism is the mother-in-law of Libertarianism. Libertarians, for the most part, just want to smoke more pot.
  • Ron Paul's son, Rand Paul, was named after Ayn Rand. If Ayn Rand had had a daughter, she would have been called Ayn Paul. If they had had offspring, it would have been appalling.
  • Wikipedia is the forlorn grandchild of Ayn Rand; a creative commons collectivist monstrosity, stitched together from pretentiously peer reviewed academic articles, through the charity of verbal parasites.
  • Objectivism plans to be around just long enough to retire with all the cash in the world to the Cayman Islands, leaving the rest of the world as a burning slag-heap, full of people who deserve their hellish fate for not objectifying women.

edit Selected works


Other fiction:


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