Axl Rose/Axl Rose's Diary
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edit Leaked Documents
In the past year, Rose has had a number of unfortunate ninja incidents that culminated in him losing a page of his 2006 diary to the higher powers (Apple Pies). With the power of Venus and Kronos on their side, they decode the crazy talk and found the following journal of the stone god, which happens to be an average day for Rose;
8:00 a.m. – Wake up. Sit up in bed. Stare at my boner. Stare at my empty bed. Remember how fifteen years ago I would have had a groupie there for me to fuck. Instead I resort to turning on the TV and jerking off to Rosie O’Donnell on some talk show. I hate myself.
8:30 a.m. – Go down to the hotel lobby. Grab something to eat from the restaurant but as I’m scooping up some gravy to put on my eggs, beer and jello mix, some rich snob across the room starts staring me down. Well actually maybe he wasn’t staring me down after all, but I’m pretty sure he was, because I saw him look at me once, and as my mom used to tell me, “Go take out the trash,” so I figured it was time to take it out again. I ran over to the guy and threw a big pot of hot gravy all over his head. The whole time he kept screaming “Oh god why! Why are you doing this to me! What have I deserved to receive such treatment?!” and I laugh maniacally as I set his toupee on fire and watch him run around the room like a little girl, crying and blubbering about how mean I am. What a prick. Then I slip twenty bucks down his hot wife’s shirt and tell her my number’s on it, she stares at me like she’s really impressed as I walk out, but in hindsight that might have just been disgust on her face.
9:00 a.m. – I board my private jet.
9:30 a.m. – We’re in the air. I get a call from Dizzy Reed back at the public airport. He says they’re having trouble getting a flight in coach and were wondering if from now on they could maybe travel with me since there’s all that empty room on my plane. I tell Dizzy I need the room for my imaginary polar bears. I tell Dizzy my imaginary polar bears take precedence over bandmembers because they understand me. Then I ask Dizzy if he still wants his job .Dizzy says no, but that I told him if he ever quits I would kill his mother and fuck his sister and burn his children. I say, “Oh yeah!” and laugh maniacally while recalling when I told him this ten years ago in a recording studio when he first threatened to quit me Then I say, “Well, if you don’t want me to do that, then you will never ask me this question again.” Five minutes later I get a call from Bumblefoot (or, as I call him, Bumblefuck – what a ‘tard he is!) asking if maybe he could be allowed to call home and talk to his dying father. I shout at him for ten minutes telling him that in order to preserve the artistic integrity of this band he must have absolutely NO contact with members outside of Zeta Region B! He asks me why I’m such a cruel weirdo and I tell him “I know you are but what am I,” then he says he’s gonna tell on me to Slash, and I hang up, weeping hysterically for five minutes.
9:35 – Memo to self: Fire Bumblefoot. Kill Slash.
9:45 – I am bored so I start writing in my diary talking to myself. Hello Axl. How are you? I’m fine, thanks. Boy, I sure am tired from that show last night! Yeah, my throat hurts. Hey, wanna fuck? Sure!
9:48 – I visited the bathroom.
9:50 – I realized at a rather inopportune time that the bathroom has no toilet paper.
9:51 – I told Beta to get me some new pants to wear out of my luggage.
9:52 – A personnel member on the jet tells me I should sit down because of turbulence. I tell him as I’m walking back from the bathroom that he should shut the fuck up because I am King Axl Rose, Ruler of the Universe. He tells me he’s sorry. I tell him he is violating Zeta Region C, “Physical Contact with the Artiste,” and so I open the escape hatch and throw him off the plane.
9:54 - BLUE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. LOL. I LOVE THE SKY. WEEEEEE!!!
10:00 – Robin Finck calls me. I tell him he is violating Zeta Region Z. He asks me what Zeta Region means. I tell him it’s a complex system Beta invented to make me feel better and keep people from negatively affecting me. The definition of Region Z is “interference with the artiste by a member of the band at an unfortunate moment in time.” Robin Finck tells me I’m a freak and hangs up. I listen to static silence for four minutes before thinking of a comeback. Then I say, “Yeah, well at least THIS freak didn’t suck off Marilyn Manson!” I remind myself to use this next time Finck calls me.
10:05 – I call the FBI and tell them to make sure they search one “Robin Finck” at an airport in Venezuela today because he is carrying drugs on him and is a member of Al-Quaeda.
10:10 – I realize I need Robin in the band to perform tonight so I call back the FBI and tell them it was an April Fool’s joke. They tell me it’s not April and I have committed an offense. I tell them I have the wrong number and hang up, before planting the phone in the coat pocket of Beta. It was her phone anyway.
10:30 – We arrived on time at the airport. Well, I did anyway. The other guys are still back at the airport. This caused me to laugh maniacally. Beta says I’m a real jerk and I punched her in the face and she fell ass-down the stairs leading down from the airplane to the ground. Then as I walked off the last step, I hopped off onto her unmoving body and jumped up and down on it like a trampoline. Wee! This is fun! I always wanted a trampoline. Lol.
10:40 – We dropped Beta’s bruised and broken body off at a nearby hospital. I made sure it’s a free health care hospital so I don’t have to pay for any damn medical bills. Man, those things are expensive! One time, I lit my housemaid on fire and sprayed her with gasoline, and I had to pay, like, $500! What a rip-off! Why can’t a guy have a little fun anymore these days without having to pay for it? That doctor sounded just like a hooker trying to get money off me. So I kicked him in the neck and ran away, and then when the housemaid woke up from her coma I went to the hospital and unplugged all her IV machines. Lol, that was a funny day.
10:50 – I listened to a Kid Rock album on my iPod. Man this dude is the tits! I love his music so much. I make a mental note to make sure I add him to the band, because all the kids are into his music and this will make me appeal more to the teens.
10:55 – I told Edgar how much I love Kid Rock. I tell him my plan to add Mr. Kid to the band. He told me Kid Rock expired five years ago and only had two hit songs, maybe three, and that everyone hates him now, and he’s a major loser.
10:57 – I told Edgar I agree, but inside I’m crying, hurt and fragile.
11:30 – I am in a taxi cab, driving to the hotel. Actually it’s a private limo, but when I say taxi it doesn’t make me sound like an over-privileged jackass. Anyway, the limo driver drops us off outside some dingy hotel that royalty supposedly stay at, but it looks like a dump to me. I told him he’s fired for being a bad limo driver.
11:35 – I checked in to my room.
11:40 – Jump on the bed for one hour before getting exhausted and deciding to save energy for the performance tonight.
12:45 – I turn on the TV and masturbate to pictures of a burn victim on the PBS channel. Hey, it’s the only channel that was coming through clearly.
12:50 – I realize it’s not PBS, it’s the local news, and the burn victim is Beta. Apparently before dropping her off at the hospital I also lit her body on fire and pissed on her. Lol I don’t remember doing that! Oh well.
12:55 – The police call me and ask if I know a woman named Beta. I tell them they have the wrong Axl, they want Axel Foley. LOL. I wonder how long that joke will take them to figure out! HAHA I am a genius.
1:00 – The police show up at my hotel room. Evidently they figured out my joke. At this moment I realize I’m not dealing with regular cops – no, I’m dealing with SUPER cops! How did they KNOW Axel Foley was a movie character? How could they figure out such a thing so fast?
1:03 – They keep knocking on the door, trying to come in. I figure I’ll copy my movie hero Keanu Reeves and escape through the window and run along the building outside on the window platform, then jump into space and transform into a bird so I can fly away.
1:05 – I remember that it’s impossible to transform into animals right before I hit the pavement.
1:10 – I wake up in a hospital. I curse Keanu Reeves’ name and swear to make it my quest to see him DEAD!!!!
1:15 – I turn on the hospital TV. The Matrix is on. I try to aim for the TV to piss on it but I end up pissing into my own mouth, but I was thirsty anyway.
1:30 – Beta walks into the room, all burnt and shit. She slaps me a few times, but then I say, “Hey, at least I didn’t try to barbecue your son this time!” And this witty statement draws laughter from her and the police standing outside the door, before we all realize how sick what I just said is and all stop laughing and say “What the fuck?”
1:40 – I ask the police men outside the room how they figured out Axel Foley was a trick. They said, “One word: Google.”
1:42 – I don’t know who this “Google” man is, but I’m going to find out…and when I do, I am going to chop his testicles in half – maybe even quarters.
1:50 – I get out of the hospital and pay the bail for arrest. I go back to the hotel with a fractured skull. It’s still bleeding a bit but I hate bandaids and shit so I take off the cast they put on my head.
2:05 – I get into my limo and head for the hospital again.
2:10 – I like my new cast better.
2:!5 – God I hate casts.
2:50 – I call up Dizzy Reed and tell him my new joke. He says, “Yeah, Axl’s that’s great,” before I remember he’s in violation of Zeta Region Z and hang up the phone, making sure the frogs aren’t staring through the windows anymore.
3:00 – I lock all the windows and put up the blinds. The frogs are after me again. Their beady little eyes trying to take off my clothes with their minds, eating my succulent flesh with their razor sharp tongue-teeth. I turn on the radio to pacify my mind. GN’R comes on the radio, and I get so mad that I throw the radio out the window, breaking the glass. Unfortunately the wire gets caught around my foot and pulls me out the window too, and I drop five stories.
3:30 – So I’m back in the hospital again and my head hurts like hell. The doctor tells me I can’t perform tonight and I give him a big long speech, I say, “Listen, Doc, spare me the theatrics! I’m an artist and I MUST appease my fans! These people travel far and wide to see me perform because they admire me as a musician, and if I were to not pull through for these people, Lord only knows what kind of animal I would be for doing that to them!”
3:35 – The doctor and I both laugh at how silly what I just said is. I say, “I’m only bullshitting,” and then I tell him sure, I won’t perform tonight, and then I take a nap.
3:45 - Tried to write 10 things I hated about Jon Bon Jovi but realised that he is a better musician than me and that I like his hair
4:00 – Beta issues a press release canceling the show. Fans are outraged. I laugh manically.
4:20 – I’m bored so I call Calvin Klein. I swear at him through the phone for ten minutes calling him a pussy-eating cocksucking motherfucker. When I’m finally finished asks me why I am calling him. Suddenly I remember I meant to call Tommy Hilfiger. I pause, thinking to myself, “Damn.” Klein asks me if I’m still there. I slowly hang up the phone, embarrassed and ashamed. Then I write a new song real quick called “Get in the Ring Again Bitch!” and the lyrics go:
Tommy Hilfiger / Can suck my cock / His clothes, clothes / Boy, they sure do suck! / Getting off on ripping off moms / Who think they can hide their body fat with sucky jeans and thongs
Then I realize this song sucks and I make a new song, called “Get in the Ring, Get in the Ring!” The lyrics are:
I’m sick n’ tired / Of writin’ songs about getting in the ring / So all you get in the ring songs inside my head / Why don’t you just fuck off and GET IN THE RING MOTHERFUCKA! / I don’t know your bullshit / You don’t even rhyme / These songs suck / And they’re just egotistical rants / So fuck off!
Then I cry for five minutes because I realize I’ve lost all my creativity and I decide not to release Chinese Democracy for another ten years.
4:40 – Robin Finck calls. He said they finally arrived at the airport after having to sit next to two big fat people on the plane. I tell him the show’s canceled and he’s fired. He starts crying, and then I say, “P.S.”
4:42 – After a long pause Robin Finck asks me if I’m still there. I’m savoring the moment in anticipation.
4:50 – Finally I say, “AT LEAST THIS FREAK DIDN’T SUCK OFF MARILYN MANSON!” Then I realize Robin hung up five minutes ago. DAMN! I blew my chance! I guess I’ll just have to try again tomorrow.
5:00 – I call for food. Some hospital orderly brings me jello. I say, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I’M AXL ROSE, BITCH! I DEMAND ONLY THE FINEST YELLOW JELL-O!” Then I shove it down her orderly skirt and as she turns around I pull out a zippo lighter and light her skirt on fire. Then I empty the lighter fluid of my lighter all over her body and as she burns in front of me I sit back, relax and jerk off to Rosie O’Donnell on the TV again, before relapsing into a coma and dreaming of frogs.
6:10 - There are Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around Me. Frogs All Around. Frogs All. Frogs. Frogs. Frogs. Frogs. Frogs. FRRROGGGSS!!! Oh wait they're just toads
6:45 - I woke up and realized the hospital room is completely messed up. The door is open and I realize all the frogs I burned were actually Robin Finck, Bumblefoot, Buckethead with a "Sorry" card in his hand (How cute!), Beta (again), Edgar, and 2 paramedics. Then I see that the walls are all painted up with some strange oil, and are filled up with giant words saying "THERE ARE FROGS AL AROUND ME" and "SHUT THE FUCK UP". Who in THIS WORLD would write that? Whoever he is, he's nuts.
6:46 - Fuck. I think I wrote all this "THERE ARE FROGS ALL AROUND ME" stuff. But I then realize it's SO COOL. I mean, I didn't know I painted so well.
6:53 - I realize the only person I liked was Buckethead. He never talked. Nice guy!
7:00 - Finck is back. He comes to my room. Shit, I get a beer in my face. He didn't even drink it! I slam a table in his head. Passed out guitarist alert! Throw him in the shower because I need him for the gig.
7:02 - Finck awake. He smashes my head in the bath tub....
7:05 - I'm up again but Finck is gone... well, time to go to the concert. Considering apologizing to Finck. Decides against it.
11:00 - Concert start. I let them wait long enough. I have to get done so I can get back to my room soon. I sing a piano piece about frogs and stuff like that. It starts raining. I'm telling Finck to go run in the audience. Good punishment.
edit Axl's Diary - Swimming With Dolphins
Between 2007 and 2008, during the negotiations for the actual, yes it is in shops now, it's been several years album in the making Chinese Democracy, Axl took time to update his blog, only to remove it later on, because it wasn't finished, it went back online, then offline again. Because he's Axl Rose. And does that.
8:00 a.m. – Wake Up, think I MUST ONLY WAKE AT AN ODD MINUTE DAMMIT, BECAUSE I'M AXL ROSE
8:00 a.m. - Fall back to sleep
8:01 a.m. - Wake Up, and declare that i will not fire, curse or cuss at anyone today. I do some yoga. Happy Axl, Happy....
8:12 a.m. - Attempting to get into my leather trousers, they tear. I phone up my tailor. And subsequently fire him. It's ok, just one firing today will do me no harm!!!
8:19 a.m. - Hire myself a new tailor, as I can afford to. Because I'm Axl Rose. And nobody else is.....Nobody.
8:30 a.m. – Go down to get some breakfast. Croissants look nice, the waitress offers me coffee, i accept and proceed to drink, after a sip, i calmly ask "Is this Kenco?" to which she replies, "No it's Nescafe".......
8:34 a.m. - I proceed to throw the coffee in the bitch's face. I'M AXL ROSE AND I DEMAND ONLY THE FINEST KENCO. SMOOTH ROAST DELUXE COFFEE DAMMIT
8:42 a.m. - I grab my bags, and just do nothing. Like always, just to delay some time. Time waits for me. And Chuck Norris, but even I'd wait for him, he's a hunksicle.......
9:21 a.m. - I board my private jet, fashionably late of course........
9:32 a.m. - Irving Azoff rings, "Hey Axl, things are looking on course for the album, i mean have you got the video lined up and everything?". I proceed to inform him how Universal are still being complete tools and not letting us have the video. Of course i'm lying. There is no video. Not at all.
9:35 - I tire of writing a.m and p.m, Greenwich Mean Time, where's my Mean Time, because i'm Axl Rose.
9:45 – I look through a plausible setlist, full of lots of songs the fans actually want to hear. Then realise, hell it's my show. We do MY setlist. Because I am the band!!!! Mwhahahahahahaha!!!!!
9:54 - Pondering to myself, I look through the proper artwork for the album. It's brilliant, mainly because fans will never see it!
10:04 – Robin Finck calls me. I ask him "Oh is your buddy Trent not busy, awwwww" He hangs up.
10:05 – I sit, idly staring at Beta, contemplating firing her. But I can't do that, she's a lovely lady and who can I use as a scapegoat in the eventual master plan.
10:09 - I erase all evidence of the plan. The master plan? What plan? Happy Axl.............
10:30 – I decide Beta knows too much so I give her a good old punt kick to the temple, after all if Randy Orton can do it, I can!!!!! And I take her phone, I'll need that. I text Baz, asking where he is.
10:34 - I contemplate ringing this Orton fellow. But then decline, as it means he'll violate Zeta Region X - Being Inconvienienced By The Artiste. And I like his kick too much to do that.
10:40 – Sebastian Bach phones. "Hey Axl, It's Baz!!!". I ask him what the fuck he's doing phoning me at this time. He reminds me I contacted him. We laugh. I cry a little, manly style tear.
10:42 - Baz suggests I do a track on his album. We compromise at three tracks and me getting substantial credit on them. Including Gimme Shelter. I wrote that.....
10:51 - Mick Jagger's agent rings, informing me that The Stones are suing me for unclaimed royalties and song infringement. Damn.
10:57 – I agree to the terms, and plan not to go ahead with the proposed Rolling Guns tour of 2009
11:30 – I hail a cab, well I say that to sound all cool and down to earth ghetto, but really i've phoned up Jarvis, my driver. I only call him that because I enjoyed that Jarvis Cocker's material. He IS the tits.
11:35 – I proceed to inform Jarvis we won't be heading to Baz's studio for the meantime. I'd like to get some Sushi.
11:40 – SUSHI IS RAW FISH. SINCE WHEN. I DEMAND MY SUSHI TO BE COOKED!!!!!!
11:55 - We get to the studio, and Baz's band are looking at me. I like the look of them, they seem to look a bit like that famous band Faster Pussycat. In fact didn't Baz play for them? I contemplate for a while
12:02 - While contemplating, I punch Baz in the face, as i was in the zone, like an animal....
12:04 - Baz considers calling me a SAVAGE ANIMAL?
12:06 - I punch him in the face for calling me a SAVAGE ANIMAL.
12:41 - The tracks are done. But there's one problem.
12:45 - I begin to Axl up the tracks a little - some synth here, some trumpets here, I phone up Buckethead and ask him to come over. He demands a chicken coop to record material in.
13:49 - The coop is finished and Bucket is on his way, yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy
13:57 - Buckethead really is the superior choice in guitars. Why did I fire him? I ring up the band and say to them "come to Baz's studio"
14:03 - The band have finished touching up the album with me, in six minutes. I'll erase most of their work though. Because I'm Axl Rose, and do that.
14:42 - Speaking with Baz, i suggest several album titles for his album including SEBASTIAN BACH SOLO ALBUM #2 - AN AXL ROSE PROJECT, AXL ROSE PRESENTS BAZ - YOU THOUGHT I COULDN'T DO ANOTHER ONE!, AXL ROSE AND SEBASTIAN BACH PRESENT AXL IS GOD, AN AXL ROSE PROJECT.
14:58 - We settle on Sebastian Bach - Bach 2 Reality
14:59 - Actually, it'll be Axl Rose ft. Sebastian Bach - The Ax-Man Cometh. But i don't tell him that and post the plans to the printers. Yay!!!! Happy Axl.
15:01 - I suggest lunch, my favourite idea, Sushi
15:41 - CAN'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT RIGHT, COOK MY FISH BITCH, COOK MY FISH, I DEMAND ONLY COOKED SUSHI, WHAT'S THIS GREEN STUFF, IT LOOKS DELICIOUS!
15:47 - I nudge the tray out of the waiter's hand forcefully. Buckethead's puppet freaks me out. Baz says, "you slapped it like in Dodgeball man! That was brutal!"
15:53 - What is this Dodgeball which Baz speaks of?
16:31 - I'm sat in my limo, and get a call from the hospital. It turns out Beta will be fine. I inform Jarvis to head over to the hospital.
17:02 - I unplug the IV tube from Beta and pull her off the bed, as she's lying motionless, I proceed to punt her in the head again. And this time she won't get up.
17:04 - The police arrive asking what happened, I inform them that I did everything I could to help her. I got away with it, you damn right. Because i'm a genius.
17:31 - Package pickup from UPS, it's the album cover for my, I mean Baz's album
17:34 - I show Baz the cover, he flips out. Really flips out, like when he drinks.
17:36 - I smash a bottle of bourbon over his head and punt kick him in the temple.
17:39 - I have a heart, so i leave him outside the hospital so it looks like he passed out due to alcohol by putting a bottle in his hand.
18:01 - Nothing new to report. Two people in the hospital. Because of me.
18:02 - I compile the Zeta Region document. I might put it up one day on our official site. Just for laughs.
19:05 - On a whim I hired a guitarist named DJ, I told Baz I took a speed ball last night and totally pounded "DJ Tanner" to her SHANANANANANANANANANA KNEES KNEES. He tells me that DJ Tanner is a fictional character and that I fucked DJ Ashba. I hate myself.
20:01 - I just discovered this awesome as fuck book, Twilight, Edward is soooooooooooooooooooo uber hot :) !!!!!!!!
00:01 - I'm sensitive & I'd like to stay that way...
The Next Day:
10:00 - "I Have a Water fight with the children in the hotel across the street. I WON! .... No One is a Match for Me and my Kettle."
10:30 - I decide to write a song about the water fight, I shall call it "Iraqi's Journey"....That's right I can call a song "Iraqi's Journey"...I'm Axl Rose GODDAMMIT!.....Where's my parade?...Oh thats right I don't like parades, I find them unseemly...very unseemly.
11:00 - "Goddamn those guys in The Mighty Boosh are fucking funny. I'm Gonna write another song. I'll Call it Future Sailors. They'll Claim Copyright infringement. But fuck them I'm Axl Rose GODDAMMIT!...... I Fuck lawsuits in the ass for breakfast."
11:01 - "That last thing that I said was a lie.........LOL I'm so crafty......kinda like Adam West.......Not like Adam West, like Axl Rose!!!!" '
11:30 - "I Hate My Life. My Dog Mittens just died. I's had cancer. I Lied. Scratch that. I meant Lol'd."
'12:00 - "I phone up my close, personal friend Will Smith and ask if he wants to do an album together....he tells me that if i call again he'll phone the police...I die a little inside"
12:02 - "Again, I decide to call my close, personal friend Will Smith to cheer myself up...he phones the police....I tell him that the police are no match for my snake dancing. He says that he's going to call them anyway. I say FUCK STING I'M AXL ROSE"
(For Retards that think that placing Sting in my diary entry was a mistake. Sting was in a band called The Police. Read a Book. Faggots.)
12:05 - "I Decide that i don't want to be a awesome rockstar anymore. I decide i want to be an abortionist. Stabbing babies in their hearts with a wire coat hanger. Fun. Don't judge me. If you think that's bad, I eat them afterward, in a BBQ Glaze."
15:09 - "Babies gave me the shits GODDAMIT IM AXL ROSE! i cant sit on the toilet all day... must read something...Ooooh 'Hello' Magazine, my day is now complete."
15:15 - "Whilst Reading 'Hello' Magazine, i see a picture of SuBo (Susan Boyle) and i think how HOT she is. I would definitely do a song with her. And by do a song with her, i mean wreck her with my fist. I'd make her bleed. Her and her Scottish accent would make me jizz. Her saying "come and get me Soldier" in her accent that would make me blow my load over her face. Hell if she said in a Northern Irish accent i would blow it twice as hard."
15:20 - "I decide to cut off my crappy gay black dreadlocks. My names not Leroy Rose. IT'S AXL ROSE GODDAMIT!"
15:25 - "I Have a wank over them. Thinking of SuBo. I decide to slide something in my ass. Just for Fun. It was my finger."
15:27 - "oh dear, something strange i feel. time for a prostate exam."
16:00 - "Time to go to the shop and buy some cereal golden grahams i think, I would buy cinnamon grahams but cinnamon gives me gas"
19:00 - "On my way to the shops i was raped repeatedly. The rapist surprisingly was a doctor. He said my prostate had quite a pounding. And it gave me internal hemoraghing. I didn't think much of it. Maybe it was that finger in my ass ..... I don't know. I try not to linger on it. But come to think of it, he did have both hands on my shoulders....."
19:56 - GOD DAMN I'VE GOT THE CLAP!
20:00 - I decide to list people who won't be receiving the traditional Rose Family Christmas rant: Reading, Leeds, DUBLIN, Slash etc...