Axis Powers Hetalia
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Axis Powers Hetalia (from hetare, "useful", and Italia, duh!) was Hayao Miyazaki's weird attempt at promoting fascism via cute yaoi boys. Needless to say it worked, specially among teenage girls who never had sex and likely never will.
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[edit] Synopsis
The story focuses on the daily lives of anthropomorphic countries that look like retarded versions of anime characters, mainly because APH tries to be an anime but it makes about as much sense as Winx Club, an Italian series also about fascism but that uses whorish fairies instead. More specifically it focuses on Italy's retardedness (because everyone knows all Italians are lazy, stupid, pathetic cowards that do nothing but eat pasta), as well as on how he lead Germany and Japan to complete insanity and thus to the "naughty things" they did in WWII. When not having the also extremely retarded America (doing nothing but eating hamburgers and pretending he's everyone's hero), APH also features countries no one gives a shit about and likely never will, such as Canada.
[edit] Main Characters
The characters of APH are anime boys representing their respective countries. Naturally, having been conceived by yaoi fangirls, they are all homosexual.
[edit] The Unholy Trinity
The show's protagonists, who promote fascism and mass murder.
Northern Italy (イタリア, Itaria)
- The heir of the Roman Empire who does absolutely nothing but to eat pasta, sleep and occasionally make paintings about how WWIII will be. He's an absolute coward who faints just by breaking a nail, and a depraved bisexual who either spends his time flirting with whores or serving as the sex toy for other nations. He has a hair curl that, when touched by someone, makes him horny. Rumors say he's actually a manipulative bastard who pretends to be dumb and that uses his cuteness so that he can cause major chaos, which he always does. Did I mention that he loves aggressive anal sex?
Germany (ドイツ, Doitsu)
- Italy's tutor/coach/boss/friend/lover who suffers from several mental disorders thanks to Italy. Is absolutely obsessed with cleaning, baking cakes, and controlling everyone, despite the fact that he is being controlled himself by Italy, though he refuses to acknowledge that. A poor disturbed soul who was once the Holy Roman Empire and that felt in love with the then cross dressing child Italy, and that eventually lost his memories and now began redeveloping affections towards that country who would gladly sell him for a bowl of instantaneous pasta. He loves strange DVD's which involve ropes and dogs, and carries a riding crop to discipline his lame ally.
Japan (日本, Nihon)
- An otaku who constantly watches everyone in silence, stocking them and taking pictures of their secret moments with each other. Made an alliance with Italy and Germany so that he could join them in their quest to exterminate all Jews, gypsies, homosexuals (yes, they are that hypocritical) and communists. Like Italy, and to a lesser extent Germany, he uses his physical cuteness so that he can fool people. His favorite hobbies are to build giant mechas and to silently scream about what idiots all the other countries are. He is a closet pervert, doujin artist, lolicon and a Code Geass fan boy.
[edit] The Allies
A group of retards who fail miserably at killing Italy, Japan and Germany. They are supposed to be the good guys, though every single one of them admires fascism or capitalism; they just don't want to admit it.
USA America (アメリカ, Amerika)
- Proof that the Japanese can't distinguish a continent from a country. The leader of the allies, he's an egocentric motherfucker who never tires of stressing how such a hero he is, when in fact he is just as useless as Italy, doing nothing but to eat fast food and get fat. He's a loudmouth annoying twat who you would no doubt you would want to smack if you met. He was raised by England, but rebelled against him after having to tolerate years of pedophilia.
UK England (イギリス, Igirisu)
- The proof that the Japanese can't make a distinction between a country and a state (though, since they have at least two Italys in APH, that's no surprise). A drunkard with extremely thick eyebrows who is constantly cursing (literally; keep reading), England is supposedly a "gentleman", but rather an easily annoyed tsundere around the likes of France and America. England is the worst cook of all and is also a strong believer of unicorns and black magic, going so far as to literally curse his enemies. Yes, APH, ignore the fact British people are actually Christians (with some atheists like Richard Dawkins in the mix).
- A pervert who is useless at war but good at posing naked, pole dancing and "invading someone's privates". Has an army of roses which he uses to cover his penis with. Has a secret affair with Italy that lasted since they were born, and constantly tries to rape England (most of the times America is
stupiduseful enough to accidentally get in his way). Due to the massive amount of butt pain per capita, America published a list of countries in danger of being raped. However, after raping most of the countries, France escaped and is believed to be raping UK right now.
China (中国, Chūgoku)
- The only Asian of the group. An older brother of Japan, he is quite possibly the only sane character of APH. Has a furry fetish for pandas and Hello Kitty and is afraid to death of Russia (mainly due to his bishounen appearance) . Which is ironic, given how both are communists. Japanese people apparently think Chinese say "aru" at the end of each phrase.
Russia (ロシア, Roshia)
- A psychopath that says "kol kol" all the time and wants to make everyone "become one with him", likes drinking his ass off with vodka, and carries with him, for no reason, a water pipe a sunflower. His pastime is to stalk China and dress up as a panda or Shinatty-chan just to get in China's pants, or his dress thing... he also likes mistreating Latvia. He hates Belarus very much ,and always tells her to piss off.
Canada (誰？, Who?)
- Who the fuck is this? And do we even give a flying maple fuck?
[edit] Other Characters
These guys aren't as important as the main characters, obviously.
[edit] Nordic countries
Norway: A batshit insane country, who molests Iceland and talks to fairies and other ungodly creatures. He enjoys abusing Denmark and talking down to him. He also enjoys watching wrestling and Iceland and often likes to tussle it out with other countries or not pay much mind to them.
Iceland: He always seems sick all the time and is very needy, bothering everyone around him and acting like a bitch. He has no friends except for his Pokemon puffin, which he talks to and dresses up. He likes eating odd candies and arguing with Sealand. He wonders why Russia helps him.
Sweden+Finland+Sealand: A couple of same-sex northern countries who brought adopted England's little brother. Do I really need to point out what's going on here?
Denmark: Self proclaimed King of the Nordics, he gets into fights a lot with Sweden, which results in him losing. His happy-go-lucky nature is shunned by his childhood friend Norway. He doesn't seem to mind the way Norway "playfully" beats him up... or how the others often ignore him.
[edit] Baltic
Belarus: An insane girl who wants to "invade Russia's privates". Because Russia is scared of her, the jealous bitch that Belarus is spends her time attacking the other countries to gain his attention. Nothing but broken bones and scars comes out of this.
Ukraine: A quiet and shy girl. She's Russia's older sister and seems to have more sanity than her siblings. She carries a giant fork with her wherever she goes. And with each of her appearances her breasts get bigger and bigger resulting in her getting sexually harassed by other characters and buying new clothes.
Lithuania: The calm young man whose nice and gentle to everyone and extremely strong for unimportant reasons. He also doubles as Russia's sex slave and wears a maid outfit whilst doing chores and any other things Russia wants him to do. He's often either used or looked highly upon depending on the day.
Estonia: That other guy with glasses that looks like every other guy with glasses. He's a super nerd otaku who stalks the rest of the cast and gets a rise from watching Ukraine. He's Russia's handy man and deals with all kinds of technology, which the rest of the cast seems useless for.
Latvia: A useless crybaby that cries over almost everything and anything. He's made fun of and abused by everyone. He can't seem to do anything right. Along with Sealand, he's often taken to places by France.
[edit] Asia
Korea: The self proclaimed inventor who created everything from dirt to condoms and is great at everything. Korea likes to stalk his "brothers" China and Japan and attempts to sexually assault them claiming "All your breast are belong to Korea."
Hong Kong: The youngest brother out of all the Asians and a glutton like America, he seems to never gain weight. He was kidnapped by the pedophile England and forced to eat all of England's cooking. Hong Kong carries a stuffed animal panda with him and firecrackers which he likes to light. He once found out England gets aroused by the sound of firecrackers. Since finding out his secret England put a curse on Hong Kong to make his eyebrows thick and ugly.
Taiwan: The flashy girly-girl of the gang, she talks about fashion and buys all kinds of clothes to try to seduce Japan and get in his pants.
[edit] Random countries
Practically every country but the most decent ones appear in APH. Here we show a few of them, just to give an idea about the general Japanese opinion about them.
Prussia: Germany's older brother and a total wurst eating beer drinking crazy fucker. Proclaims how awesome he is all the time. Back in the good old days, he was Austria's pedophile and constantly invaded his "vital regions"; now, he is nothing but Hitler's whore. Carries several yellow chicks around him, including on his hair. He has a crush on Austria.
Poland: The token useless cross dresser crack whore who gets in Lithuania's pants, much to Russia's dismay. He often sleeps around and doesn't do anything useful but eat Paluszki talk about shit and ponies and get beat up.
Southern Italy: Northern Italy's brother, he's a tsundere brat who's always whining about his brother's relationship with Germany despite the fact that he hates both of them and so it would be better to let them alone so they can live together peacefully far from him. Raised by Spain. Was once a total fatass as a kid. Gay for tomatoes.
[edit] More random countries
Belgium: The girl no one really notices.
Hungary: The other girl who's always trying to catch yaoi shots. Used to be married to Austria. Used to have a penis.
Austria: That stuck-up snobby guy who plays the piano. This guy is to blame for Italy to cross-dress in his youth (when Italy worked as his maid).
Seychelles: The fish lover who's supposed to be black, but her skin changes to a lighter color. France used to molest her when she was a kid.
Spain: The tomato lover who has crushes on both Italies, he raised South Italy when he was a kid and was the one that made South Italy crossdress. Pedophile, 'nuff said.
Cuba: That guy who dislikes America. Canada's pot dealer.
Egypt: That guy who made those Yu-Gi-Oh card games.
Switzerland: The gunslinger who has a crush on his "sister".
Liechtenstein: The gunslinger's partner with a secret incestrous foreplay fetish. Also a roricon.
Greece: The cat lover who sleeps everywhere. Got into Japan's pants once.
Turkey: The Zorro wannabe. Got into Greece's pants at the time Greece got into Japan's pants
Bulgaria: The guy nobody cares about.
[edit] Conclusion
The conclusion is that, to the eyes of the Japanese, every country in the world but Sweden and Finland (who are a gay couple according to APH) as well as Canada is a insane mentally ill retard who blows everything or tries to "invade someone's private parts", when not finishing the national stocks of food, money or Viagra. Basically, it's a version of the Axis Powers from the view of a yaoi fangirl who is turned on by big, sweaty world leaders from the 1940's making love to each other. Obviously the Japanese know absolutely nothing about fascism, because if they did, they wouldn't make most of the cast gay or bisexual. Also, they feature Seychelles and other shits like Switzerland and yet they pretend practically all African countries but Egypt, all South American countries, and even a few important European ones like Portugal and Ireland don't exist. Bang up job, you xenophobes.
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