Axe
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An axe is a type of heavy knife swung at an opponent, either animal or vegetable based. They have become very popular for cutting humans, trees, and chicken necks. They are often used by Vikings, savage "people" who like blood, cheese and raiding and pillaging Britain and Normandy, particularly when raiding and pillaging in a forest with lots of cheese in it. The Vikings concentrated on slicing people with their battle axes. In an alternative use, the axe was responsible for killing every tree on Easter island, which was bad because it caused erosion and the great dust bowl of 1896.
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[edit] Types of Axe
There are several common types of axe, all of which have evolved from the Viking Axe, which evolved from the Viking's hatred of Britain. The Vikings required an efficient way of invading the southern countries that possessed the desired cheese products, since they were incapable of making cheese in their northern lairs. For this purpose they created the Viking Axe, 30 lbs of iron sharpened to a razors edge to be swung at whatever stood in their way using a wooden handle made from whole ash trees.
In contrast to that efficient, classical design, modern axes range in size from tiny girly axes incapable of splitting balsa wood to the Giant Axe used by Paul Bunyan to fell trees in a single swing. The smallest of axes are useless as they will not cut anything, while the largest are useless because the average superhero can not lift them.
[edit] Battle Axe
Battle Axes are more feared than Viking Axes as they are able to act autonomously. There are few known defenses against these axes: the only two being another Battle Axe or a bite from the vicious tree serpent of Vietnam. The best defense, however, is to run like hell; Battle axes, due to their unstable top heavy design are incapable of moving faster than a wobbling toddler.
[edit] Turnip Cutting Axe
One also knows that the only conventional means to cut a turnip is with a Turnip cutting axe. One can convert any normal axe listed above into a Turnip Cutting Axe simply by bringing it into the kitchen. Any remnants of wood, blood, or anything else on the axe can only improve the flavour of the turnip, which is known to be the most vile root.
[edit] The Teacher's Axe
The phrase "Be very afraid of the Teacher's axe" originated from a teacher who had threatened her students with an axe if they were not quiet. This resulted in several desks being split in two and students writing sentences on the chalkboard with one arm or bollock. The children told their parents about the teacher and her axe and then several calls to the school followed. These were of parents who were greatly impressed by the teacher's disciplining abilities and told every other teacher that they should use axes as a disciplinary tool, as the previous disciplinary tool, Rulers, were getting very outdated and were more inaccurate than a drunk guy playing darts with a blindfold and a pair of earmuffs on who suffered from Parkinsons and really needed the toilet. Soon after the new tools were implemented, children developed a defense known as the "Hadou Ken", which, utilized correctly, can obliterate a teacher from 8 paces, cutting their legs off before random dynamite appeared in their bodies. Though only few possessed the skill necessary to use it, the ratio was high enough that it remains a feared counterattack to the axe
[edit] Big Axe
This is a really really big axe that can be found in a treasure chest located in the sewers. Along with the axe you will most likely find some party members, and then the fight will begin. The aforementioned fight is a cataclysmic and climatic battle where you have to kill Satan approximately 20 times without dying. This, of course, is a breeze. After all, you got a Big Ax. (Da-da-da-DAAAAAAAAAA!).
[edit] Giant Axe
The Giant Axe is a large, railroad car sized axe used only by the mythical Paul Bunyan. Weighing in at several tons it is capable of splitting trees in one chop, provided one can lift the behemoth axe. Bunyan and his axe currently reside in a plasticized state in Portland, Oregon
[edit] Other Uses of Axes
Axes are often used in non- combat roles.
[edit] Deodorant
The use of axes as a deodorant is thought to have first occurred around 1700AD, when someone commented that a viking raider's armpits were smelly, at which point he lopped off both of his own arms in a style which has been preserved perfectly to this day. The onlookers were immediately amazed at the reduction in smell, and all proceeded to follow the viking's lead. This method is still common in the United States of Armenia, however has been superseded by the Lynx method in Great Britain, whereby a household Lynx bites off the smelly person's arms. Several reports claim that both of these methods make people say "bow chika bow wow."
The use of Axes as a deodorant is not to be confused with a brand of deodorant called "Axe" because the name for the chemical is over 40 letters long and takes at least two and a half minutes to pronounce. Because of what it really is, it is not normally called "Axe". It is more commonly known as "Death Cloud in a Can."
[edit] Rocker Axe
Axes are the primary weapon of choice amongst rock musicians, they are used most effectively when empowered by a large Marshall stack. They come in many shapes and sizes including the infamous Hendrix dual neck 6-12. Smashing one's axe against expensive electronics is a popular way to conclude a battle.
[edit] Axe in Black Culture
One thought as a comic-derived-gesture, niggers coming from the deep south out of slavery where known to associate the Axe(that is used for chopping etc) with the word 'Ask' as white slave owners would use such implements to beat and or kill the slave upon asking any question. Some theorists believe that it is still used today because of ignorance, but some radical theorists believe it to be because of the Black population's fear of the white man.
[edit] Maintenance of Axe
It is very important to every proud owner of an Axe to keep it clean and in shape, in order not to fail when attempting to use it. Be sure that all blood is wiped off before mutilating, as your victim might get ill otherwise. It is also important to sharpen the blade as hacking through bone often dulls it to the point where the Axe can only be use as a curved beating stick. Upon slaughtering your victim, it is suggested that you grin and slowly let your tongue glide across the blood spattered parts of the axe.
[edit] Enemies of the Axe
[edit] Hammer
The hammer is the natural enemy to the axe. Its heavy, flat striking surface is capable of dulling the sharp axe edge into oblivion. If the sharp edge is dulled, the axe will have to return to the Viking heaven Valhalla to be refitted before it can make a return to battle; or Turnip cutting.
[edit] Turtles
Many turtles and turtle like creatures have a shell impenetrable to the axe. Only Viking and Battle axes can survive a battle with a turtle.
