Christ, we get it, you own a lot of neckties.

Avril Ramona Lavigne (born 27 September 1984) is a Canadian singer-songwriter and actress — just one of many young females who are convenient sockpuppets for music industry professionals. Originally, she was a sockpuppet of a trio known as The Matrix, spearheaded by Lauren Christy, a failed pop star notable for writing one minor hit before realizing financial success in the music industry was easier to achieve when manipulating a teenager from backstage. Lavigne has been passed around to other puppeteers since then, including the ubiquitous Max Martin.

While Lavigne today is considered to be a generic electro-popstar along the lines of Katy Perry or Lady Gaga, the teenage Lavigne was less so, being seen as more of a "skater punk" and "pop punk princess". Her older persona has been interwoven into the rich tapestry of early 2000s popular culture, and also in slutty pictures that are probably illegal to publish here.


1999–2001: Career beginningsEdit

In 1999, a 15-year-old Lavigne won a radio contest that allowed her to appear on stage for fifteen minutes with Shania Twain. During those fifteen minutes, Antonio Reid, the head of Arista Records, decided she had that "underachieving teen whore" look that would allow him to sell her to teenagers who enjoy skateboarding. Thus, he offered her $1.25 million to allow The Matrix to insert their arms into her from behind and parade her around stage, flapping her mouth with their hands. Lavigne accepted, the three members of The Matrix made reasonably tight fists, Lavigne assumed a squatting position and allowed gravity to do its job, and the marriage was consummated.

2001–07: Pop punk eraEdit

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Avril Lavigne.

In 2002, Lavigne released her debut album Let Go, a reference to the fact that the three hands clenching her tonsils had begun to cause her significant discomfort. Let Go was spearheaded by the single "Sk8er Boi," which appealed to skaters because it mentioned them. As the "skateboarder" was still a nascent cultural identity, skaters were beside themselves with joy at their existence being acknowledged by mainstream corporate pop music. The song began with the lyrics:

He was a boy
And she was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?

Unsurprisingly, Lavigne was swiftly sued by the estate of William Shakespeare for so blatantly stealing the prologue to Romeo and Juliet.

However, even this lawsuit failed to derail the success of the song, due to a prevailing opinion among skaters that Lavigne was more culturally relevant than Shakespeare and that he was probably somehow stealing from her in the future. (Several marijuana-inspired diagrams of this theft were produced in support of this assertion). Encouraged by Lavigne's newfound popularity, The Matrix flapped another follow-up hit out of Lavigne's jaws, this time with the following lyrics:

Life's like this
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way it is
'Cause life's like this
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way it is

Unsurprisingly, Lavigne was again sued, this time, by the parents of Eric and Dylan for so blatantly stealing the lines out of their son's journals, following the lawsuit, Eric and Dylan now receive songwriting credits in the album's liner notes.

2007–present: Pop pop eraEdit

Lavigne's death (career-wise, of course) is presumed to have occurred sometime around 2007, shortly after the release of her single "Girlfriend." At least three dozen people are estimated to have bought this single, and all felt embarrassed upon hearing it. Even lower lows were reached with her vaguely racist 2014 single "Hello Kitty".

Slutty picturesEdit

Having sold a few million records, Lavigne entered the next phase in the life cycle of a young pop starlet: the larval phase slutty pictures.

And here are a few.