Autism
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“lol ”
~ God on Autism
“Why are you staring at Me?”
~ Me on Autism
“Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ”
~ Eric Cartman on Autism
Common characteristics of the disease include the ability to form independent opinions, being overly concerned about the quality of paint used in ceilings and walls, being overly concerned about cracked or chipped window panes, speaking in tounges, laser beams shooting from the afflicted's eyes, self-harm, and a strong craving for justice and socks.
Some scientists say that autism is caused by a mercury poisoning, but these scientists are Nazi liars paid by Hitler to misinform the public so he can begin a new reign over the people of Germany and the world if he can conquer it all.
There are a number of theories about autism. Most of the theories are total bullshit. In addition; some scientists have trouble distinguishing it from Altitudeism another soul-rotting condition.
Contents |
[edit] Prevalence
The chances of being born with Autism were once thought to be 1 in about a jagillion, but modern studies show that it's closer to somewhere between 1 in 200 and 1 in 201.
[edit] Treatment
Well, ONE thing is for certain: it's NOT A.B.A. at all! A.B.A. is a technique first used by the prince of darkness himself to control innocent naive children into becoming his minions, eventually building up a giant army then turning them over to Saddam Hussein as he leads them to conquer the world. This plan backfired since Saddam was executed, however. A.B.A. was also reportedly used by Hitler and the other commanders in the Nazi regime. This suggests that, when the time is right, Satan will hand over his A.B.A.-treated zombie minions over to Hitler. Oh, wait, Hitler's dead. Besides, what I really meant was Barney the Dinosaur Hitler.
[edit] Autism in history
Before the present day, when parents fear their children will get the A.U.T.I.S.M. in the same hysterical moral panic (like that of AIDS, SARS or polio), autism has always been with us. Albert Einstein might be an autistic savant genius, can you tell? Bad hair done, but can determine how the universe was created and even helped atomic scientists invent the atomic bomb. Genius? Mad? The mad genius, then came the "geek syndrome" we all heard about. Now let's not perseverate in an autistic manner and get back on the topic (no offense).
[edit] History of Hate
[edit] Mexico
Since 1999 youths in Mexico were discriminative against people with autism. Those youth thought that autism is a permanent, "contagious" disease, or an "evil curse", and they were extremely afraid that they might get it. These discriminative people are rumored to be high on drugs, but they are really 'perfectionists'; they never EVER do drugs and alcohol, because they are afraid that doing drugs will turn them into freaks, and drinking alcohol will turn them into dumbasses (those two scenarios are very much realistic, however). They mistreat people with autism. They believed that they are "too cool" to be kind to people with autism, and believed that people with autism are not worthy enough to be treated kindly and to live. They even murder the people with autism, because they believed that autism makes people who have it to be life-long failures and to be far too useless for the world. One of the brutal forms of murder these people use is called Applied Behavioral Analysis, where they shock a person for autistic behaviour that SOMETIMES ISN'T EVEN BAD until they die and threats, such as, "You are SO fucking DEAD, you USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!" or, "Furbies are going to eat you!". Eventually, regulations were put in place to stop this prejudicial trend after the fatal beating of an autistic kid just outside Mexico City.
[edit] United States
The United States judicial system has been opposed to autism for a long time. After failing to deliver justice in about 95%, people began to question if the judicial system was actually doing its job. An example of such mistrials would be the case of Daniel Leubner. He had died in a house fire intentionally set by his mom to kill him. Daniel's Mom made up an outrageous lie: she lied that Daniel raped her (possibly with a bowling ball) the night of the fire. Without any evidence to support her extreme claims, she was given only 6 years in jail. The United States is also the biggest denouncer of autism, being the headquarters for such fascist groups as Cure Autism Now, Autism Speaks, and Talk About Curing Autism...and those are only a few of the evils that lie on the surface of the former US. President George Dubya Bush recently passed the 'Combating Against Autism Act'. Many people would eventually become so pissed off, they'd move to another country. Most people who didn't know better STILL despised autism, but the main reason everyone moved was because of Dubya.
[edit] Canada
Recently, Canada declared itself a safe haven or a sanctuary for oppressed autistic adults from around the world. Alike most liberal democratic nations, people with autism can be accepted and loved. Too bad we need more parents who actually care about their children, then the autism may go away. Remember, it's not their problem...that's YOUR problem.
[edit] Love of them
They are also loved and revered, so don't you worry. Sparta loves them dearly, so when the Persians tried to slaughter our autistic friends, they just were all slaughtered by Leonidas, and Kratos, as they are the guardians of the autistic community!
Autists now would respond like this:
Persian: This is blasphemy, this is madness!
Autistic Spartan: THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(decapitates Persian, then kicks him into a hole)
[edit] Cure
Most of the Nazis scientists who have researched autism have come up with some very effective means of torture treatments. Although there is no cure, there is a way to make the problem worse treat this terrible disease. One of the main advocates for curing autism is Linda Kane. This great mastermind has come up with a most efficient means of boredom treating autism. Her method? Have the patient sit in front of you and randomly spew out a bunch of random numbers and have him spew them back to you. It works to dull the mind to make the patient much sharper and stupid intelligent. In addition to these doldrums, she also has the patient crawl like an idiot around the room, making strange noises and kicking motions with their legs as if they were donkeys. Then she waves a yo-yo back and forth in front of their eyes to hypnotize them while saying, "This activity makes a lot of sense and is good for me. I will do this every day for the rest of my miserable life and never quit. I will do whatever Mrs. Kane says to do, and will never even think of quitting".
In reality, Linda Kane actually makes exorbitant amounts of cash doing this and the methods work like crap. Most of the patients ended up with severe postraumatic brain damage and ended up in the hospital for years and were dead broke and in debt by the time they got out of hypnotherapy. Do not use her methods they will only cause you more problems.
“And if you were smart stupid enough to read that crazy stuff up there, it's just a bunch of truth lies written by some idiot. It's BS.”
~ Adolf Hitler on this part of the article
Actually it's all true.
Who's the idiot that deleted our conversation?!?!?!
I detect over use of lines here!!
[edit] See also
- Autistic history of Ideas
- Asperger's Syndrome
- Neurotypical syndrome
- Cure for Autism
- Vulcan
- Ninja Einstein
- Autistic People
- Nick Zitzmann
- Genius
- LiVIDPerv
- Jews
- Germans
- Japanese people
- Chinese people
- Nerds
- Geeks
- Dorks
- Dweebs
- Emos
- Goths
- Loners
- Hardcore Punk
