Australians

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Recently a bid has been made by most of the Australian population to start a war with New Zealand which would end quickly with a decisive victory as New Zealand's infantry consist mainly of sheep.
 
Recently a bid has been made by most of the Australian population to start a war with New Zealand which would end quickly with a decisive victory as New Zealand's infantry consist mainly of sheep.
   
Australians live only to be effortlessly better at most things than their pasty white English, Bulgarian, French, Greek, Turkish cousins, and American allies. When drunk, the average Australian male can leap tall buildings in a single bound and stop bullets with the head of their penises without flinching.
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Australians live only to be effortlessly better at everything than their pasty white English, Bulgarian, French, Greek, Turkish cousins, and American allies. When drunk, the average Australian male can leap tall buildings in a single bound and stop bullets with the head of their penises.
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Recent surveys have shown that by age 5, Australian girls kill and skin crocodiles to make their own fashion accessories and use live snakes as skipping ropes.
   
 
You can spot an Australian as being an individual with limitless personality and with English ass kicking syndrome. OZ is a country that is filled with both; convicts (really, its a convict country..how baddass is that?) as well as an overwhelming majority of Asians who, being Asian, are not Australians. This inevitably results in the participation in sports such as "spot the Aussie" in many large cities.
 
You can spot an Australian as being an individual with limitless personality and with English ass kicking syndrome. OZ is a country that is filled with both; convicts (really, its a convict country..how baddass is that?) as well as an overwhelming majority of Asians who, being Asian, are not Australians. This inevitably results in the participation in sports such as "spot the Aussie" in many large cities.

Revision as of 01:18, December 18, 2012

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Australians.

Australian people, or simply Aussies, are awesome a sub-species of human found on the long-lost continent of OZ, located somewhere at the bottom of the globe (or "the arse end of the world", as they often like to put it) or over the Rainbow. They are notable for their rather nauseating high-pitched whine, routinely own the English at their own sport cricket (an area in which they dominate over all), along with every other sporting endeavor known to man, their need to constantly talk about themselves, and an inability to cope with perceived criticism. Due to overcrowding, Aussies have started to spread across the planet, and can be found drinking themselves to oblivion in many places around the world. It's true. Look for yourself. Recently a bid has been made by most of the Australian population to start a war with New Zealand which would end quickly with a decisive victory as New Zealand's infantry consist mainly of sheep.

Australians live only to be effortlessly better at everything than their pasty white English, Bulgarian, French, Greek, Turkish cousins, and American allies. When drunk, the average Australian male can leap tall buildings in a single bound and stop bullets with the head of their penises.

Recent surveys have shown that by age 5, Australian girls kill and skin crocodiles to make their own fashion accessories and use live snakes as skipping ropes.

You can spot an Australian as being an individual with limitless personality and with English ass kicking syndrome. OZ is a country that is filled with both; convicts (really, its a convict country..how baddass is that?) as well as an overwhelming majority of Asians who, being Asian, are not Australians. This inevitably results in the participation in sports such as "spot the Aussie" in many large cities.

Political Leanings

OZ is nominally a monarchy, with the Queen Elizabeth II ostensibly the Head of State. In practice however, the majority of Aussies labour under the misconception that rule of their country passed from Princess Diana to Queen Mary of Denmark, sometime around 1999. Most Aussies are considered politically ignorant, and would prefer to be found passed out with an empty can of "piss" (see below). This is ironic, considering theirs is the only country in the world that makes voting in government elections compulsory. Some however, have taken to the political spot-light, and are now dominating the world arena, as can be seen with their current Prime Minister, shown on the right.

language and sayings

Most Australians learn how to speak English some time between the time they are born and the age of eighteen. There are many different dialects from state to state, city to city, most recognizable is the Melbourne accent which sounds so much like an american accent that most other Australians can't understand them. In fact, according to american inspirational speaker Arj Barker (or as Aussies say Arjie Barjie!) Australians just make words as they go but somehow can all understand. With over 300,000,000 words being invented every second the Australian language has the largest vocabulary in the known universe. The Australian language does however borrow heavily from other languages. Some words include,

  • Vodka: An alcoholic substance with similar properties to rocket fuel.
  • Bathroom: A word they use when they actually go to the bathroom, not the fucken toilet.
  • Gas: Actual gas, not petrol.
  • Rocket fuel: An alcoholic substance that is popular with mothers for weening their babies onto Australian water which is the rarest substance in the continent.

Australians also have a large range of sayings that if pronounced properly by a tourist receive a golden handshake and a big fuckoff beer! Some Aussie sayings an Australian will use at least once a day include,

G'day mate: good day friend.

Howzat go'wn?: how are you?.

How the fuck are ya?!: polite version of how are you?.

No fucken worries!: I understand.

No wucken forries!: something all drunk Aussie blokes will say.

Too fucken easy!: that shouldn't be too difficult.

Get a dog up ya!: Get a dog up ya!.

Fuck off ya wanka!!: I wish not to continue our conversation.

Chuck us a beer mate: could i have a beer.

Fucken oath mate! that chick has a smoke'n body: I fully agree, that female is attractive.

Diet

Aussies have a rich diet, consisting mainly of a cold, amber liquid, known as "piss". This is similar to British or American 'beer', albeit kept at a cooler temperature, and ironically tasting less like urine than its aforementioned counterparts. They are also known for eating kangaroos, still born children, mucus from the nostril ('snot') and belly button gunk. Aussies favourite food however is The Foot Long Shrimp, as in 'chuck another shrimp on the barbie mate.' It is quite obvious that this choice of food is directly related to the size of the Aussie penis. Many tourists that visit Australia are female due to the main attraction being the average penis size of 13"... around. Other favourite Aussie foods include pies, meat pies, delicious meat pies, full of chunky brown gooey stuff, nobody know's what this is, but they still eat it anyway. For something a little fancy tomato sauce can be added. At the weekend.

Australian Racism

You may not know this but Australians are known for their racism towards cheese. They were so racist that they decided to develop a product with a racist word on the cover shown below.

Australians are known to go hunting cheeses. Bullet riddled cheeses are often seen displayed on supermarket shelves in Australia.

The Mullet hair cut

What more needs to be added? Brode Garret (add him on Facebook) to see what Aussie mullets are all about

Dress codes

Boardies, "budgie smugglers", or short shorts... Board shorts are long shorts with the name shortened to Boardies. A design success these have stood the test of time without dating. They have the curious effect of making people look as though they are made for the beach - even when many are not. Over the age of 40, though, boardies are exchanged for "budgie smugglers". These have dated badly, and they also show a spot of pee from a great distance. Boardies don't. For outdoor work men are required to wear short shorts following the 1970s tradition. This is, of course, the wrong choice to make. They are not good and are far too short. A good beer-belly is enhanced by any of the three.

Names

All Aussies are named "Bruce", even the females. This may sound confusing at first, but after a while it makes complete sense. Being able to greet one-another with "G'day Bruce!", means that everyone is always happy, and one big family. However, after a recent national referendum on the subject, an overwhelming majority of Aussies agreed to formally adopt the overseas custom of giving each other surnames as well. It is now common to see Aussies referring to each other with second names too, which incidentally are usually: "Gazza", "Dazza", and "Johnno" for men, and "Sheila", "Shazza", "Chikidywikidiwoo" or "Kel" for women.

See also

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