Australian Cricket team
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“THEY'RE HUGE!!! HUGE!!!"”
“They cry like little girls!!”
Australia is currently ranked 537th in the world, wedged in between Kazakhstan and the South Sudan Cricket Team. Annually, the Australian Cricket Team and the Australian Womans Cricket Team contest the Ponting Sucks Cup. The Australian Womans Cricket Team are the current holders of this worthless trophy.
According to the Australian Cricket Team, these men are the equivalent of Greek Gods. Great Lovers, attractive, able to conquer continents, able to catch a ball traveling at the speed of light, slightly athletic, and pose some threat to Chuck Norris.
The current squad is captained by St Michael Clarke, who is believed to be descendent from Hercules himself. The man known as "Pup" by his fellow team mates (most notably for his love of dogs; see Lara Bingle) has lead the Australian cricket side to recent victories over the Antarctic XI; and 11 blokes in a street brawl in south Sydney.
edit Application for position of Baggy Capper
Any decent upstanding Australian male can strive to become a member of the Australian Cricket team but failure spells certain death. The successful applicants must be able to consume god like consumptions of beer and sleep with various females in continuous orgy like ceremonies (only interrupted by the occasional play of cricket) all the while maintaining a healthy married relationship and denying various pregnancies across the globe. They must also share the faith of Husseyism, a modern religion founded by those who followed the 2006 3-mobile Ashes series. Also required is a chronic hate for anything to do with the words 'honesty', 'fair play' and 'gentlemanly'.
Anybody granted a position into the Australian Cricket team is automatically given power beyond belief, bestowed upon them by Australia's until recently Prime minister Hon. Sir John Howard. Who is quoted as saying "ayyyer-yes, if I was a lady, ha, Id-a, I'd definitely have myself impregnated-a, with-a, with the DNA of tha Don. Haha, ye-es."
Australian Cricket players are versatile, in which their battles of conquest can wither be laid out over a bloody battle of a single day, or the mind wrenching painful agony of a test Series, where several week long encounters are strung together over several months.
They are easily recognizable, as their induction includes the surgical addition of a baggy green to their cranium. Which is only removed at the direct order of the until recently Prime minister of Australia, Hon. Sir John Howard.
The Australian cricket team were recently awarded the 2007 World Cup by default, after it was revealed that no other side wanted to be humiliated at the hands of the all-conquering Australians. The ICC is still trying to encash that check.
edit Australian Cricket and the Holy Grail
The first documented reference to the Australian Cricket Team occurred in Hunters and Collectors' 4000BC classic, Holy Grail. With words such as "I", "God" and "hell of a story", the historical evidence is beyond dispute. Although what exactly are Hunters and Collectors doing singing is open to interpretation, they should've been busy providing for their primitive families, or else change their name to "Singers".
Like Sir Galahad, the Australian Cricket Team also reached Castle Anthrax, and led by the fearless Shane Warne, managed to acquire the mobile phone numbers of all the nurses in the castle, a historical development unfairly omitted from Monty Python's Holy Grail (although it is widely acknowledged that the "penis" Sir Lancelot spoke of whist rescuing Sir Galahad referred to Warne, or Adam Gilchrist.)
Australia involked (or rather cast) the "Wrath of Ponting" rule upon losing the ashes in 2005 which states that "what ever team defeats Australia will lose the next 9 games in a row". Australia gained +30% leadership, +10% agility, +50% attack and a gained temporary invulnerability bonus which it used in Test 2 of the 2006/07 Ashes in Adelaide. 9 is the Australian team's lucky number, it is both the greatest number ribs Brett Lee can break in one fast ball and the highest score Glen McGrath has ever batted. Such a fate was sealed upon England in 2007 where the Ashes were whitewashed, the Twenty20 dominated, and the Commonwealth Bank series set up for impending obliteration. Australia conceded the 10th game to England to re-activate the "Wrath of Ponting" rule just in time for the finals. The rule was not invoked again, and Australia lost the series 2-0. To add insult to injury, the Indians who always spank the hell out of the Aussies and are experts at 'monkey' business humiliated them in the subsequent CB series, soon after the events of Judgement Day during Sydney Test in 2008.
edit Australian Cricket and the Smaller Holy Grail with ashes of some bits of wood
Curiously, whilst the quest for the Holy Grail was ultimately unsuccessful (it ended up with Dan Brown), the Australian Cricket Team consoled themselves with a smaller Grail containing some ancient ashes of a burnt bit of wood. The challenge they face in obtaining this smaller Grail is no less than the original Grail, for they must answer three questions from the Bridgekeeper:
- What - is your name?
- What - is your quest?
- What - is the best way to spend 3 days?
If your answer to the last question was not Thrashing Poms, you would instantly teleported to a very crappy country, the last man to suffer this fate was John Davison, he now smokes weed in Canada.
edit The Australian Cricket Team Vs. The Morley Windmills
Little beknown to many, the great Australian Cricket Team (a seemingly unrivaled sporting lineup) was once put to the test in a game of social badminton against another sporting team, one with perhaps the most ridiculous name in the history of sporting team names, that of " The Morley Windmills ". The Morley Windmills often bore the brunt of such jokes as :
- " If we were superheroes, I would be Batman, and you would be The Morley Windmills "
- " If we were world superpowers, I would be Mr T, and you would be The Morley Windmills "
- " If we were sporting teams, I would be any team with Michael Hussey in it, and you would be The Morley Windmills "
... As one can see, these jokes required an immense amount of thought due to the complex formula they followed, and they dented the pride of the great 'Windmills' , who , it must be said, did win the 2004 under 13 premiership.
After shallacking the poms, The Australian Cricket Gods decided to find a more worthy opponent to 'flex their muscles against' (though it must be noted that 'muscle flexing' has now been banned by Cricket Australia after its premier hard hitting batsmen, Andrew 'Monkey' Symonds, managed to pop his bicep by simply by flexing too much - a case of being too buff), and decided to take on the sporting team with the most imposing and fear-inspiring name ... and so the two sporting super powers collided. Badminton was the sport of choice because obviously the Windmills would dominate a one-dayer at the Gabba, while the Aussies are renowned for their unbeatable skills at 'windmilling'. With cock in hand, Sir Hussey began the fateful match and what happen next, no mortal will ever know, as racquets and cocks flew everywhere at a pace that made game look like... well something really blurry. In the end, the Windmills were victorious, as the Aussies lost Gilly to the toilets, Warnie to the nearest convenience store to top up his credit, Hussey to Mount Olympus, Hansie Cronje to the local TAB, and the rest of the team to a fit of laughter, inspired by the ridiculousness of their opponent's name... so the 'windmills' actually won by forfeit.
(PS: For those who were unsure, The Morley Windmills is actually the name of a soccer team in Perth, Australia)
edit The battle of Western perth
In 2005, the Australian cricket board announced a match in western Perth. The umpire Billy Bowden, gave an Australian batsman out to hitting his helmet and Rahul Dravid taking a 1 bounce 1 hand catch. Later reports indicate the batsman was huffing kittens just before batting, therby breaking rule # 456YY@yomamma119 in section ZZC of the rulebook. Ricky Ponting and Andrew Symonds took to the front line, defeating Billy Bowden and Steve Bucknor within minutes of the battle.
The 5 Indian bowlers launched the attack, the balls flew down and hit Brad Haddin on the head who was rushed to Hospital. The battle raged on till tea when it started to rain.
On Day 5 it was concluded a draw
RESULTS: India- 4 dead 3 injured. Harbhajan 'Obnoxious Weed' Singh sooked to the Indian cricket board who ruled the match a win to India and had the whole Australian nation executed. He then went on to slap his remaining teammates to death. Australia- 21,000,000 dead 0 survived
edit Current Team
Michael Clarke (C)- Former playboy, now Captain of the team. Took over after Ricky Ponting suffered a relapse of stupidity after losing the Ashes to England. Has a terminally bad back due to carrying the other members of the 11 on a regular basis. I could just stop here and label him the team but that would be true and there's nothing quite like filthy lies.
Shane Watson (VC)-
Exceptionally skilled x-factor of an all-rounder Hopeless hack of a batsman. Noted for his classic innings of 80 in which he will usually upon hitting 80 demolish his stumps by throwing himself on to them and is always keen to be beaten in a sledging contest.
Phillip Hughes- Otherwise known as c Guptill b Martin, one of the latest hacks to make it into the team. His typical innings amounts to 30 runs which all come through his trademark shot of an edge through first slip or third man if in really good form for 1. Can play fast bowling but against spin gets himself into such a twist that often a twister will form mid pitch and devour the entire field.
David Warner - The Brains of the team. He is the most calculated member, when asked about his batting style he gave the most calculated response of "I uh just hit it with the flat side" This intelligence has elevated him to be the suspected next captain of Australia.
Ed Cowan- Otherwise known as "The Standing Sh*t Stance" is one of the latest blind picks for Australia. Picked for the 2011-12 Border/Gavaskar series for being able to juggle two ten-pins, he is noted for his outrageous strike rate in which he will usually hit 1 run per 200 balls. Likes to get out in the 30s when hes bored.
Matthew Wade- With the lack of bogan culture in the team, Michael Clarke saw fit to bring in a new wicketkeeper in the form of Matthew Wade who hails from upper class Frankston. The first eunuch to make it to the Australian team, his wicketkeeping is efficient, only letting through about 24 byes per over.
Peter Siddle - The first horse ever to play for Australia. Controversy marked his selection in 2008 over whether it was appropriate to have a steed represent Australia. Nonetheless he has become Australia's self proclaimed workhorse, efforts are being made to expand his life expectancy to no success thus far.
Mitchell Johnson- Prefers broken fingers over wickets. Has personally killed 23 batsmen in his time playing cricket for Australia to the pleasure of Australian audiences everywhere. This is marred somewhat by the fact that all his deliveries land off the pitch.
Nathan Lyon - Otherwise known as "Not as good as Warne" is Australia's latest attempt to replace Warnie. Notorious for making batsmen more confident.
James Pattinson- One of the few promising things going for Australia. Can bowl deliveries on the pitch and can take wickets, unfortunately gets injured every match, not to the Australian public's worry as he's not Glenn McGrath hence he is sh*t.
Mitch Starc- Otherwise known as "Not Mitchell Johnson" is a fast bowler. Hates taking wickets, is disgusted by getting batsmen out.
Steve Smith- Better than Bradman. Is the best player in Australia and the world. Just ask him if you aren't convinced.
Glenn Maxwell - The Walking Ego. His ego even makes Kevin Pietersen disgusted, labelled himself "The Big Show" after hitting his first six in cricket ever.
Usman Khawaja- First Muslim and Pakistani to play for the Australia, he likes to play guitar and fly planes into large skyscrapers in his spare time.
edit Famous Players and Legends
Sir Donald Bradman- The only manlet ever to have succeeded in any field. Considered the Greatest Batsman in history.
Ricky Ponting- The first Ape to have ever captained a professional sports team. Captained what was regarded as Australia's greatest modern Cricket team from 2004 - 2011. Whilst a skilled batsman, he was a controversial character, often launching on field tirades against umpires who refused to give a batsman out on any delivery they faced. He was also controversial in India following the ill fated 08/09 series, during which the BCCI all committed mass seppuku and half of the Indian team slaughtered by angry Perth citizens.
Glenn McGrath- Australia's arguably most famous fast bowler, claiming over 500 wickets. He was also a professional fortune teller, famously foretelling a 5 nil whitewash in the 2005 Ashes. His fortune telling career was however scrutinized heavily after he was unable to foretell his wife's cancer and as a result retired.
Shane Warne- The very epitome of Australian spirit and easily the most famous player to emerge from the country. He spun balls like he spun heads, his bowling was considered the most expert in the world. A controversial figure and extreme womanizer, a Nielsen poll released in 2011 revealed that 1/2 children born between 1993 and 2007 were bastards of Warne. His current life consists of having regular injections of botox and sending his best balls into Liz Hurley
edit See also
- Causes of Death of English Test Match Captains
- Border Gavaskar Trophy
- Cosmic Awesomo-tar
- Judgement Day at Sydney test in 2008.