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|Motto: "Prawns on the barbie, strewth!"|
|National Anthems: Do You Come From A Land Down Under?, Khe Sahn, Jailbreak, I still call Australia home.|
|Established by Aboriginals||circa 38,000 BC|
|Established by Whitey||1788AD|
|Independence||not yet - still English colony|
|Queen||Betty the Second, (Liz Windsor), aka: Bess, Betty, Betsy, Liz, "Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth".|
|Official language||Strine, a.k.a. "Straylyan mate"|
|Spiritual Leader||Peter Costello (in exile)|
|National Hero||Kerry Packer|
|International Hero||Rupert Murdoch|
|Capital||Half way between two warring cities|
|Exports||Actors, food, processed dirt|
|Mascot||Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat|
“You call that a knife? This is a knife, a cheese knife and it will make short work of this brie.”
Australia, a.k.a. "England with spiders" or "British America" (commonly pronounced "Ostralyuh", or "Horstrayllia" by Her Majesty The Queen of Australia, Elizabeth II) is the Great Southern Land, Bogan Land, Ozi, Down Under, The Sunburnt Country, The Best Version Of New Zealand, The Best Island Of All, The Terra Australis, Oz or (Terra australaeionesia cowardiana), quite the spiffing continent.
Australia is a Commonwealth country known mostly by foreigners as Great Britain with a less fruity accent, with sun in the sky that you can actually see and get third degree burns from. It is also called "Oz" for short, or "Down under", after a popular position among ibis rapists. The name "Australia" originates from the Aboriginal word "Walla'borongamala" meaning "where the bloody hell am I?". Australia is the world's second favourite desert wasteland with only one or two interesting cities and a medium level of social-censorship, behind the UAE.
Potential tourists should note that Australia is populated by vicious, venomous creatures (both native and feral) that can kill a full-grown man in seconds.
Australia was originally part of a super-continent called "GoneAwayland" which included "The Other America" (South America) and Canada, as well as "African America" and Caucasia. The mythical islands of Aotearoa (Noy Sealand) were also thought to be joined to the super-continent. However these countries decided to "split" from Oz (as they put it). But do we care? Huh! We don't care one bit! It's their loss! We took our ball and went home... Australia then became the largest island in the world, but was later discovered to be nothing more than a hilariously undersized continent.
Australia was first colonised by the Bogans around 60,000 BC (Before the Great Bogan Lader Costello), known as "Tell Him He's Dreaming Time". The following account accurately summarises the history of the ensuing years: "Back to 8th century AD, Australia still consists of many tiny islands. There was a tribe of natives, living confined from outside. The island was named beautifully as AuLai. Kangaroo was divinised as sacred animal, the embodiment of God. The animal was named KAIGELU (kangaroot), meaning Son of the God. In 17th century, Talise, the English navigator, arrived in AuLai with European civilisation. The island residents saw Talise curiously writing diary, using sharpened stick dipped in ink. Talise presented sharpened sticks to tribe leader as gift, which were treated as sacred things and carved with pattern of kangaroo later." -Handbook of Kaigelu Kangaroo Australia Holdings Limited, translated from Chinese.
Before a group of Asian-Phillipinos decided to see how long the water was 10 metres deep for, there were a bunch of ugly and sloppy group of people called bogans. As the Asians arrived, they brought food,which the bogans tried to scab at and this caused a war. The Asians won and bogans have been hated ever since. The Asians got a tan and became Aboriginals
The British took control after a bizarre administrative error which also created North Korea, Poland, That other country with the two Islands and Sweden. The first Queen of Australia, Captain James "Jimmy" Chook, built the first Aussie "barbie" (barbeque, not the doll - she came later after Ken moved in), on Lady Macquarie's Chair on Point Bennelong. After the chair was extinguished, a great celebration called Australia Day was held, and a lot of beers were drunk. Then the flag of Sweden was raised in error, then taken down, then the North Korean flag was raised, then taken down, then the Polish flag was raised, it was found there was no British flag available, so a Union Jack was drawn on to the Polish flag and the country was declared to be the possession of General Kosciuszko, who nobody had heard of, and the highest mountain was named after him.
After the English arrived in Australia, they immediately set up a camp and began saying Good Ay' to each other. The phrase came about after immigrants suffered from ear infections after the long boat journey. Good Ay' was meant to mean, Is your ear ok? A prison was soon built after crime was rife on the Island. The problem was the amount of criminals that arrived on a large pirate ship full of booty. When the Australia Force was formed, prisons were easily built with slave labour from trained crocodiles (affectionately known to the locals as "salties"). The prisons were very crude, and the sound of bells was used as a deterrent to crime, although just what that means no-one has ever worked out.
Other countries, however, viewed Australia as a tourist resort and Europeans came by the thousands - and after having had sex in Australia's drinking water supply - sunbathed on the pristine white beaches. After some undue violence with the prisoners, the English retreated back to England to support their Queen as well as their reigning Monarch, Victoria Beckham.
The governments of the UK and Australia met up in 1902 to discuss the possibility of burning a man, made from half an "Aussie" and half a "Brit" (one of the race unaffectionately known to the locals as "pommie bastards"), put the ashes in a small urn and then play test matches for possession of "The Urn". Australia were quick to dismiss the idea, but after China had started to play Cricket, they knew they must "play up, play up, and play the game". Originally the game was played naked in the burning sun, but clothes were introduced after the first team all died of skin cancer several years after the first match.
In 1978, a giant boat arrived on the shore of the Island, loud disco was booming out of it, but no one got off the boat was several days until the army was called. Once on board the army found a large group of sleeping party people. The people were awoken and welcomed to the Island. This is believed to be the origins of Australia's Gay Scene. The Police of Australia met with the people of the boat, and once they had all had massages on the beach from some nearby aborigines, then it was down to business. The party people agreed to keep the party scene going if they could have immunity from the country's drug laws. This was granted and the party scene grew from the boat. The first party was named "The Liberal Party", then "The Country Party" started up, followed by "The Labour Party". Other parties quickly formed including Democrat, Communist, Green, Brownish, Slightly-Puce, Even More Gay, and the Bugger-All (New Gay) Party.
Early British prisoners in Australia used their pickpocketing skills to steal a captain's ID and set sail in the direction of Antarctica, where they hoped to find Father Christmas and his tireless elves. Unfortunately, recent scientific discoveries have discovered that Santa actually lives at the North Pole, and not the South. Luckily for the ship crew, however, one Henry Barrington Smith had actually constructed his 3/4 flood pants entirely out of magnetic rock sourced from the motherland, England. And as he greatly enjoyed circling the ship's rim, he caused the compasses of the captain to go in random directions - east, west, north, up, into the fourth dimension, and so on. This lead them in a complete circle and back to the beach from which they had left. This is described in the captain's diary as such: "Antartica, I have found, is unlike Australia. It has the water, more culture, and much better night life."
Subsequently becoming the part of the Empire where the sun never set - mainly because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark - the former convicts (now Australians) cleverly got around the eternal daylight hours by the introduction of Daylight Saving Time, thereby throwing out all reckoning of time during the summer months - and so ensuring no one was ever again certain that the sun had indeed risen, or whether it was just a particularly bright moon that night.
From here the newly founded Australia built itself on a strong trade in being anal retentive, awesomely bogan-like, pathological cheats at any number of sporting fare, and drunken-destructive by nature. With this booming trade, the first brewery was founded in Sydney, finally freeing the locals from the unpopular practice of drinking each others urine. This transition from traditional English seafaring beverage to locally-produced products can be seen today in the architecture of the Sydney Opera House. Only with sufficient drunkenness could the local population have agreed to produce something worthy of being deemed erected, and allow the locals to miss the fact that it had been "erected" and not giggle at the term. The obsession that Australians found in gambling was finally put to good use - when they decided (like the dense lot they are) to follow blindly any lead the "good ol' US of A" lays down... They say "Hump", Oz says "How dry?"..."
From here the rest of Australia's arrested-development was chosen, and the Australian national motto decided: "Be wicked which you can't help anyway because you're Australian and criminal behaviour is your birth right!" This cryptic motto comes from an early regional dialect often referred to in early cave paintings as "boof-head/bogan". It has yet to be fully translated, but its impact on Australia is unmistakable.
Australians don't not have tax, they have buckets in the street where people throw money they don't want. It has provided enough money to keep things under control. The buckets have a large vacuum inside that sucks notes in. In recent years, the machines have been repeatedly filled with dog excrement and photographs of money.
Politics and Government
- See also: Australian Parliament
Australia is the only nation in the world to completely occupy an entire continent. This gives Australian government officials a +4 influence bonus, one extra Special Power usage, and two extra armies each turn. Another notable aspect about Australia is that it possesses the detached province of Tasmania, which are used in the Australian Army as shock troops, as well as making good moving targets down at the shooting range or as an alternative to abortion. Occasionally the government hold elections *cough* *cough*.
However, Australians are relatively passive in world affairs, preferring to save up their extra armies every turn and turtling in Indonesia or Siam until they have a sufficient force in reserve to suddenly envelop Asia and thereby enact world domination. Damned lamers. Despite having the best-trained, well-equipped army in the entire world consisting of all the cannons in the black army, half the cavalry, 15 solders and a shit rugby team, the Aussies generally choose to just own the Americans at war games and send them out on beer runs for the rest of us.
For most of the 20th century, Australia was ruled by England's Queen Elizabeth II, a tyrannical and insane monarch who also runs things in New Zealand, Canada, America and India. The current government's international policy seems to be "No Worries, She'll be Right" and apparently consists of doing the American army's work for them, before heading off to the local pub while the Americans take the absence as an opportunity to claim credit for winning the war.
Contrary to Popular Belief among the English, Australia is no longer a colony of criminal miscreants and has grown annoyingly wealthy. The new 21st century Queen of Australia, Victoria Beckham, has pleaded with Australia to grow up and be independent. However, Australia prefers to still be governed by Great Britain for the sake of tradition, just like Americans prefer to be fat because they can't get off their behinds to save their lives, and the Japanese like to be productive and creative because they're stuck in the 1600s. Not that Australians think they are superior...
Australia, despite being ruled by the monkey queen, has escaped the iron grip of a mutant Grue-eating slug since mid/late-2008, and was controlled by the secret service double agent for SPECTRE, "Double-O-Kevin", until he got knifed by the nation's hottest ranga (don't tell Pauline), Julia Gillard. Comedy ensues! Everyone from the Labor Party hates each other! And yes, KRudd knifed Julia back in June 2013 looking for votes, but ended up getting stabbed by right-wing echidnas... ouch. So then, the not-so-secret reformation of the Liberal Party, lead by the ever ladsy, gracious, glorious overlord Tone Abet, resulted in the beautiful destruction of the ALP at the 2013 election! Now fellow Strayans are rejoicing in a party that proclaims to have great sex appeal (even more than the Aussie Sex Party) and a definite mission to stop the boats. Yeah, we're waiting for y'all, okay.
Australia has a long tradition of supplying cannon fodder for its imperial overlords - (Britain 1788-1958, and America 1958-Armageddon) - any time they decide to embark on a new adventure. This first began in the Boer War, which wound up with Edward Woodward being tied to a chair and shot. Australians recently commemorated this event by briefly renaming a pub on Chapel St, South Yarra, "Rorke's Drift".
The You-Beaut War
In World War I Australians performed an outstanding service to the British Empire by acting as bullet-collectors in the Somme and Gallipoli. The "idea" for the latter was conceived by the then British Monster of Navy, Winston Churchill. Churchill's reward for his brilliant strategy to reduce the population of Australia was to be eventually made leader of the Tory Party and subsequently elected as Prime Monster. Churchill famously neve visited Australia, because he was warned there were Anzacs queuing up to shoot him.
During a famous truce at Gallipoli the Turks lobbed tobacco into the Australian trenches and Australians lobbed their tinned beef into the Turkish trenches. The Turks tried the beef before promptly lobbing it back. Australians are particularly proud of having been slaughtered at Gallipoli, which is commemorated each year by thousands of young Australians booking a package tour to Turkey, getting pissed and throwing up on war graves.
In popular Straylian mythology (not the black mythology, the other unreal one), The Great War (or "The Bonza, You-Beaut War", as it is known in Australia) was the beginning of the modern Australian nation. The real pre-John Howard mythology, dating from 1989 BC (Before Costello) is that the beginning of the Australian nation was forged on the goldfields and at the "Eureka Stockade" (which was a stockade or corrale where "ideas" or "eurekas" were kept fenced in). Australia's most dramatic and successful war campaign during the You-Beaut War was its valiant relieving the Germans of Papua New Guinea, or "German New Guinea" as it was then known, distinguish it from "Dutch New Guinea" which was to west and spoke Dutch but now speaks Indonesian ("Don't mention West Irian"). Famous prisoners-of-war (POWs or Piss-Weaks as they are known to Aussie non-combatants) from the First You-Beaut Papuan Campaign included Bronislaw Malinowski (Who?), the father of modern Anthropology and well-known Stella Artois enthusiast.
The most potent icon to emerge out of the Gallipoli conflict was that of Simpson and his Donkey (pictured), who risked life, limb, hoof and tail ferrying wounded Australian soldiers away from the front line under heavy Turkish fire. However, it was recently discovered that Simpson was in fact an illegal Scottish immigrant, so his shattered remains were dug up and sent back to Britain at the British government's expense. Dirty yobbo, pretending to be an Aussie hero, may he rot in peace!
The Shit, not Again You-Beaut War
In World War II, the Australians were all over The Place, planting gum trees in Syria, liberating France, causing riots in Egyptian brothels, building the Burma Railway and the Bridge over the River Kwai. Note: the Burma War history was later amended to include William Holden, famous American (aka "Septic") car designer and other yanks and Brits, but Aussie soldiers were deleted by David Lean the infamous
"historical revisionist" greatest man ever (see John Howard) and movie director.
Other You-Beaut Wars
Australians were also in Malaya at some point in the '50s, though nobody seems to remember why. It may have been something to do with Britain's War on Communism. Then they piled into Korea. Returning soldiers tried to interest their loved ones in kimchi, which led to an unprecedented spike in the Australian divorce rate. Then it was Vietnam, though nobody seems to remember why. It may have been something to do with America's War on Communism. Then the "First Bush War" in Iraq, then the undeclared war in East Timor against those tricksy Indonesians who took away Dutch New Guinea ("Don't mention West Irian" again), then the "Second Bush War" in Afghanistan, and the Third Bush War" - Iraq again. Australia valiantly attacked the Solomon Islands, East Timor again, and is probably due to attack the World again. Australia enthusiastically joined the "Bush War on Terrierists" - which arose from a misinterpretation of the American accent of President George Bush who was angry at people keeping terrier dogs (he preferred poodles) but was later taken to mean anyone from the Middle East or an Arab (see Muslim or anyone wearing a towel on their head such as Cronulla residents or Maroubra expatriates).
The Hard War
In 1972, a war erupted between Australia and Hungary, after Australia declared that it did not like the country. Australia started to heavily bomb the country, and was joined in force by Italy, Japan, Russia, Jersey, Isle Of Wight, and London in the war. Hungary teamed up with Jamaica, but never started it's war effort due to everyone in the country evapourating after a lot of steam was poured on the country by Japan. Australia denies it being a hard war, because they do't want bogans saying how bad the country is.
More You-Beaut Wars
Japan and Australia went to war in 1967, after a disagreement about flared trousers. The war was settled with a massive game of conkers using cranes. Japan declined to comment after losing the war, and went into what is now known as 'The Great Japanese Silence'. The rest of the world were not to hear from Japan until 1978, when the country recorded a version of the 'Boy's are back in town'.
In 1983, Australia was embroiled in a war with Jamaica over the running man dance. It was never settled and the countries remain enemies.
“Insert Money Here”
- See also: WorkChoices
Aussie Land is famous for its domestication of the bizarre eucalyptus tree, on which wooden kangaroos and emperor penguins grow. These animals are harvested, painted a variety of pleasing colours and exported around the world. Large amounts of raw alcohol are also annually excavated from mines and refined into beer through complex chemical processes.
Australia is also famous for its wide and diversified exports, these include such valuable commodities as: cheap, bad beer (all the good beer remains in Australia), emigrants (i.e. human excrement), putrid food, reconstituted putrid foof, child sex offendors (especially to Thailand and Vietnam), "innocent" drug traffickers (and their "specially packaged" surf-boards), Kylie Minogue Fan Club kits, AC/DC, unique and endangered fauna, putrified alcohol, crappy melodrama TV shows, and selling useless junk to American tourists.
After switching to the metric system in 1983, Australian currency now takes the form of stubbies (single items), six packs, and slabs (of 12 or 24) - and as any Australian mathematical genius would deduce these are all perfectly divisible by 10. This is often broken down into various types, most common being VB and XXXX, then progressing on to slightly classier brews, such as Crown Lagers or "Crownies" as they are affectionately referred to. Trade with such delicate currency can have devastating effects on the local economy. NOTE: the item Foster's Lager is not a true beer as it comprises (at least) 50% horse urine - hence it being the chief sponsoring product for the so-named "Foster's Melbourne Cup".
Australia is renowned for its beaches. However, contrary to Popular's beliefs and government propaganda, these seemingly wonderful places are chock full of piranhas, barracuda, poisonous sea serpents, box jellyfish, plankton, genetically-engineered killer dolphins, and of course, hated by all, floating speed humps - aka bodyboarders. The waters adjacent to the beaches are even worse. Despite the earnest effort of local authorities and the military, the number of syringe attacks is still sky-rocketing.
Much of Australia consists of flat desert. This makes going to Ayers Rock a rather tedious affair, and many a fatality was caused by some poor yob trying to win a Darwin Award while bored on the road. Other people hold a "corroboree" (Ancient Strayian for "Kiley Minogue Concert") in or near their cars (which are frequently parked on top of local beauty spots) until they get drunk and fall over. Or have sex. Or both.
Australia has several states as well as the Fostern Territory. these are:
- Southern Territory (Basically a southern hemisphere version of Quebec)
- ACT (Everyone forgets this state, er territory, which is... somewhere in NSW near Queanbeyan)
- Tascademania (Inhabited by Taswegians and cheese)
- New South Ireland (Famous for its beaches such as Maroubra and Cronulla, which are good for a punch-up)
- Victoriana or "Tramland" (Named for Queen Gracie but later reattributed to the 'other' Queen, Victoria Beckham)
- Terra Australis (This has being dug up and exported to China)
- Queersland (Named after the present British Queer, David Beckham. Seceded from Australia under Joh Bjerke-Whatshisname in 1983 and sold to Japan)
The larger island is divided into "more than 3" states - maybe 5 or 6 states - nobody is sure because states continually disappear and some are territories, or not, which is confusing. Norfolk Island, Heard Island, King Island and the Christmas Islands are not shown on maps, nor are the 'Outer Immigrant Islands'. Somewhere within New South Ireland lies the "Capital City of Australia", Queanbeyan, but no-one is sure if it is a myth or just a rumour. The usual comment by visitors to the Capital City is, "It's well laid out!" but so is a corpse. Antarctica was invaded by Australia in 1901 and declared the 7th state (or is 8th?) - it is ruled by the 'Emperor Penguin' (see Batman). The Northern Territory was ceded by Fiji to Japan in 1982. Australia's favourite state, however, is Intoxication.
- Adelaide: Regretted labelling itself the "city of churches" since the 60's. Commonly referred to as "never heard of it". Home to 72% of Australia's bogan population, and, ironically, a best expensive wine and cabaret in the world. Go figure..
- Brisbane: Population including Cane Toads: 5.2 million. Population minus Cane Toads: Nowhere near Melbourne and Sydney's. Interstate migrants have been introduced to correct this problem.
- Canberra:AKA: The biggest hole on earth! The love child of a dummy spit between Melbourne and Sydney. The solution: Put the capital somewhere between the two cities. Everyone's a winner. Except if you have to move to Canberra.
- Darwin: Hot, humid and crappy with the slight chance of crocodile. Only capital city in the world where businessmen wear shorts and long socks to meetings about resources, company mergers and acquisitions.
- Melbourne: Best State-that's-really-a-city in the Country. All the cool (or deep frozen) people live there. It poops on Sydney's face frequently. Sporting capital, culture capital, should really be the Australian capital except that no-one living there can reliably spell the word "capital". The city's favourite sport is "AFL" and all its dwellers hate Sydney but worship a strange variant of Gaelic Football called "Aerial Pingpong".
- Perth: A city that far away from the East coast cannot still be in Australia, can it? Getting to back to civilisation is a month-long walk through the desert. Its only tourist attraction is a phallic Bell Tower, hence making it the perfect secluded city for gays.
- Sydney: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jams and air pollution. The city's favourite sport is sodomy and all its dwellers hate Melbourne and the Sydney Swans, a team which plays Aerial Pingpong. Residents support a sport which is a local variant of brutal gladiatorial combat known as "Thugby" which derives from the English town of Rugby, famous for its gladiatorial massacres.
Flora and Fauna
As mentioned previously, kangaroos and emperor penguins are part of the native fauna in the Australian bush. There is a lesser-known creature that is kept out of the media to prevent a drop in tourism, which is known locally as the 'Drop Bear'. The 'Drop Bear' (Phakus cinereus) is related to the common 'Koala bear', neither of which are related to the bear species. The platypus is also a native to this land, but the locals try to shun association with this horrible embarrassment of evolution. Hoopsnakes and One-eyed Trouser Snakes are also a vital part of Australian life, supplying much of the country's sperm donations.
Crocodiles are typically considered part of the wildlife of this country, but only by foreigners and the late Steve Irwin. In truth, with crocodiles so numerous, they have been allowed the same rights as humans. Of course in Australia, that really doesn't amount to much, since whiteys are legally allowed to hunt and kill Aborigines much in the same way humans can kill crocodiles. This is due mainly to the fact that Aborigines, up until 40 years ago, were considered fauna.
Of course, the most dominant animal species in Australia, the dingo, remains a deadly baby-eating monster. Most commonly known for eating the child of Meryl Streep, the dingo remains an ongoing problem in Queensland. In the bush areas of the state, it is well known that the nationally produced 'dingo patrol' must stay at bay 24 hours a day to stop swarms of dingoes getting through the great divide and devouring everything in site.
The country is also awashed in feral animals including cats, dogs, pigs, horses, goats, camels, plastic bags, prisoners of mother England posing as citizens (since 1788), pommies,American|yankee]]s and those ehhh... people from that funny country attached to Alaska.
Things that will kill you
It is generally held that Australia is stuffed full of dangerous flora and fauna, many of them resident in the Federal Department of Immigration and released periodically when an election is in the offing. These include many snakes, things in the sea etc. What the locals usually don't mention are the really worrisome creatures:
|Table of Dangerous Australian Fauna|
|Bogans||Bunyips||Dingos||Drop Bears||Pointed sticks that look like sea-snakes|
|Killer Kangaroos||Killer Chooks||Lamingtons||Ruddocks||Smooth Hermans|
Stingrays are also notably dangerous for being capable of killing an Australian who made a living out of wrestling crocodiles. Sharks and Box Jellyfish have had 'bad press' recently and are considered dangerous by some, but are actually friendly, huggable creatures that make good pets and amusing nightclub companions.
'Straya consists largely of people who do not come from a country other than Australia. The long and the short of it is that Australians love beer, money, beer, cricket, beer, football, beer, sodomy, beer and anything they can fuck (including beer). Things they can't fuck are great too, since deep down Australians really love a challenge - for example, first-year primary school English lessons. Almost all Australians have a "Blitish" or Asian or Italian or Greek or anything-else background, although it is a little known fact that half of the "immigrant" population of 'Straya in 1900 was Irish. As a result of this "mixed breeding", the locals usually refer to each other as mongrels, and enjoy being hailed by tourists with the endearing greeting, "Piss off, ya fuckin mongrel".
Australians are widely thought to be uncultured on account of their accent, which is purely an environmental adaptation. In Australia, the wider you open your mouth and the longer you leave it open the more flies get in.
Note that it may sometimes be difficult to tell the difference between Australians and New Zealanders (commonly known as kiwis). The most popular method of quickly checking which one they are is by asking them to say "chips". While Australians are able to pronounce the word correctly (i.e. "cheeps"), kiwis invariably pronounce it as "chups". However, there is another distinctive difference in that whereas kiwis can spell the word, a high proportion of Australians cannot actually spell "chips". (Google: "Remedial English for Australian Adults"). Local terms that tourists should endeavour to learn include: Chunder (previously, "technicolour yawn"), Sheila (anything female on two legs, or sometimes four), and Bonza ("jolly good old chap").
Hoon: This is a unique Australian word of unknown derivation, but possibly was borrowed from the German word "Hunne" (Chicken) from which we get the charming description of Germans as 'huns'. Visitors to Australia are invited to study "hooning", which is a local method for driving cars and is greatly admired by the police. Visitors may also wish to become honorary hoons which involves drinking a lot of beer then attacking police officers.
Culture (for want of a better word)
“It is a common misconception that we Aussies are a friendly bunch. In reality, this is designed to attract tourists, who are then beaten, robbed and fed to the crocodiles or koalas”
The term culture in Australia is synonymous with sport - see below. This is expressed by the well-known mathematical equation first devised by the the Australian-of-the-Year (1847) - Sir Les Patterson: Sport = Culture.
Australian culture is wide and diverse - about as diverse as a tub of plain, white sour cream. Much of Australia's culture (i.e. sour cream) lies in upholding the cultural barriers between themselves and their neighbour New Zealand, and flipping off the Americans in public while sucking up to them in private.
Another charming aspect of Australian culture is the humiliation of other nations, though conventional or unusual methods (such as genetically altering fauna and flora to hate tourists). A prime example is the koala, whose only purpose is to lure in Japanese tourists with furry good looks and leaf-eating predilections. Once cuddled up in the victim's arms for a photo opportunity, the koala slashes major blood vessels with its razor-like claws, causing instant (and often permanent) death. The Japanese would have put a stop to this long ago, were it not for Australia's strategic advantage (see "Politics and Government").
Australia is a very relaxed society and it is considered OK to use abusive or ugly words to describe fellow citizens who may be suffering from physical or other handicaps. This is because Aussies have rejected the idea of "political correct" (PC) language - see John Howard - which may be amusing to visiting Europeans (wogs), Americans (septics), Asians (chinks), etc. On the other hand, Neo-Nazi visitors to Australia will be very pleased. Anyone who is intellectually handicapped can be abused, for example as 'autistic' or 'retard', and the locals will laugh along heartily: names like 'spastic' are enjoyed widely. Indigenous citizens can be referred as 'abbos', 'boongs' and 'niggers' and their hopelessness and poverty seen as hilarious, but no-one will take offence! Join in the fun!
Visitors to the country often comment on the uniquely Australian whimsy for place names. For example, the Sydney Opera House and Sydney Harbour Bridge are both, deceptively, kinds of fungus grown in caves in land-locked Alice Springs. Similarly the states of New South Wales, Western Australia, the Northern Territories, the Australian Capital Territory and South Australia are all national parks in the island of Tasmania. Contrast the states of Queensland, Tasmania and Victoria named by the plain-speaking English.
Australians are perhaps proudest of their long tradition of home-slaughtering, a cherished pastime in which the whole family joins in in killing, gutting and butchering animals ranging from emu, kangaroo and platypus to the more exotic dugong and wobbegong. Another common pastime is annoying the Brits, for example, by going into a drunken diatribe about how the English murdered all the Aborigines with the quaint recipe, "strychnine in the flour and cyanide in the billabong", then saying "Nah, just kidding, mate. You're all right ... for a stinkin', lousy, bath-dodging, whingeing Pom."
Australians are renowned for their unseemly, hairy-chested and generally puzzling obsession with sport. Anthropologists largely agree that this is because there's bugger-all in the way of Australian artistic, economic, scientific or culinary achievement for them to carry on about.
The biggest sports in Australia are, in order of popularity: cross dressing, Australian Rules football, cricket,anal sex, V8 Supercars, ferret racing, rugby union, two-up and the Olympics. Australians will, however, slap on the green-and-gold zinc cream and clamber aboard the bandwagon of any Australian sportsman or team that seems to be in with a sniff of winning something - for example, if an Australian tennis player other than L'il Lleyton Hewitt gets past the first round at a Grand Slam event - HA! Fat chance!!!
A new sport in Australia is Professional League Barbecuing. Each round takes place on a beach in Australia, and whoever manages to grill and eat the most weight of meat is the winner. First prize is death by massive coronary thrombosis and a complimentary bout of irritable bowel syndrome thrown in for good measure. Last year, at the end of the league, over 500 tonnes of meat was eaten by 10 contestants. There is another division of barbecuing called Extreme Power Barbecuing. This is where the contestants have to take out their V8s from their cars, hook them up to their barbecues, and grill away. So much meat is cooked in this league it is enough to feed an average sized farm of velociraptors. Instead, the Australians have developed a system where they can use the meat to make new cars, which they ship off to the UK and US. This is designed to kill as many English and Americans as possible. This all slots into place with their master plan - which amounts to "bupkiss".
Australian National Anthem
As might be expected for Australia, there is no 'real' or agreed National Anthem. However the nation does offer a smorgasbord of anthems from which any Aussie or visitor may like to choose:
God Save the Queen
This used to be the standard fare, but many Australians had not realised there are 5 verses to the song including one about buggering the Scots, and had trouble remembering more than the first verse. Also the non-English citizens of Australia (more than 50% of the population in 1900) had "problems" with singing about a British rock band.
The new selection includes:
The personal favourite of former Prime Monster Malcolm "The Grazier" Frazer, who enjoyed the rousing words about the troopers and "squatters" (trans: wealthy land-owners) riding rough-shod over the poor "swagman" (trans: bum) who was only trying to huff a "jumbuck" (trans: sheep or kiwi - the context is not clear).
- ↑ Though an alternative theory claims that the name comes from Igpay Atinlay and is a bastardization of 'Austria'.
- ↑ Not to mention the fact that you'll be looted, trashed and pee-ed upon if ever you don't find yourself dead.
- ↑ Australian archaeologists, before the 1960s, thought the name to be an attempt to distinguish white people from "abbo's". Turns out that it has to do with railways instead.
- ↑ The name of said beer coming from bogans and boof-head's inability to spell the word "Castlemaine". So the four letters that were known to be in Beer were replaced with 'x's.
- ↑ Blow your Horn if you like traffic jams! No, not that horn, ya bastard!
- ↑ The word "Australia", for example, usually only has two syllables - "Straya" - though more advanced or inebriated Australian speakers can get it down to one.
- ↑ UK visitors should note: Australian police are armed, and this is your chance to experience the fresh aroma of "capsicum spray", a local police delicacy, or the invigorating shock of a taser)
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