Australia
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| Motto: "Shrimp on the barbie, strewth!" | ||||||
| National Anthems: Do You Come From A Land Down Under? | ||||||
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| Established by Aboriginals | circa 38,000BC | |||||
| Established by Whitey | 1788AD | |||||
| Independence | not yet - still English colony | |||||
| Queen | Betty the Second (Liz Windsor) | |||||
| Government | PM's XI | |||||
| President | Kevin Rudd | |||||
| Official language | Strine, a.k.a. "Straylyan mate" | |||||
| Currency | Beer | |||||
| Religion | Football | |||||
| Spiritual Leader | Peter Costello (in exile) | |||||
| National Hero | Kerry Packer | |||||
| International Hero | Rupert Murdoch | |||||
| Capital | Half way between two warring cities | |||||
| Exports | Actors, food, processed dirt | |||||
| Imports | Invasive species | |||||
| Mascot | Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat | |||||
| National Crisis | Bogans | |||||
Australia or "British America" more commonly pronounced "Ostralyuh", or "Horstrayllia" is a country owned by Her Majesty The Queen of Australia, Elizabeth Vagina II. During the 18th century Australia was also known as beer-topia and hoonsville by the English, and was seen as the object of great merriment and ridicule, a place inhabited by colonialists ans convicts. By the 20th century, the English have been forced to admit that perhaps Horstrayllia" is the best place on the planet: "Harrumph! Damned insolence! AND they have the hide to beat us at cricket!"
Contents |
Pre-History
Australia was originally part of a super-continent called "GoneAwayland" which included "The Other America" (South America) and Canada, as well as "African America" and Caucasia. The mythical islands of Aotearoa (Noy Sealand) were also thought to be joined to the super-continent. However these countries decided to "break off" from Oz (as they put it). But do we care? Huh! We don't care one bit! It's their loss! We took our ball and went home... Australia then became the largest island in the world, but was later discovered to be nothing more than a hilariously undersized continent.
Australia was first colonised by the giant wombats AKA Bogans about 60,000 BC (Before the Great Bogan Lader Costello), known as "Tell Him He's Dreaming Time". The following account accurately summarises the history of the ensuing years: "Back to 8th century AD, Australia still consists of many tiny islands. There was a tribe of natives, living confined from outside. The island was named beautifully as AuLai. Kangaroo was divinised as sacred animal, the embodiment of God. The animal was named KAIGELU (kangaroot), meaning Son of the God. In 17th century, Talise, the English navigator, arrived in AuLai with European civilisation. The island residents saw Talise curiously writing diary, using sharpened stick dipped in ink. Talise presented sharpened sticks to tribe leader as gift, which were treated as sacred things and carved with pattern of kangaroo later." -Handbook of Kaigelu Kangaroo Australia Holdings Limited, translated from Chinese.
Natives
Legend has it that before a group of Asian-Phillipinos decided to see how long the water was 10 metres deep for, Australia was inhabited by a bunch of ugly and sloppy group of people called bogans... Well, maybe we made that up and it never actually happened. Certainly the first people came from India, and when the Indians got a tan they became known as Aboriginals, also known to white Australians as "local wildlife" - although are not protected by national law. To this day, Aborginal people still enjoy their traditional dish of curried barbequed prawns.
History
- Main article: History of Australia
The British took control after a bizarre administrative error which also created North Korea, Poland, That other country with the two Islands and Sweden. The first Queen of Australia, Captain James "Jimmy" Chook, built the first Aussie "barbie" (barbeque, not the doll - she came later after Ken moved in), on Lady Macquarie's Chair on Point Bennelong. After the chair was extinguished, a great celebration called Australia Day was held, and a lot of beers were drunk. Then the flag of Sweden was raised in error, then taken down, then the North Korean flag was raised, then taken down, then the Polish flag was raised, it was found there was no British flag available, so a Union Jack was drawn on to the Polish flag and the country was declared to be the possession of General Kosciuszko, who nobody had heard of, and the highest mountain was named after him.
After the English arrived in Australia, they immediately set up a camp and began saying Good Ay' to each other. The phrase came about after immigrants suffered from ear infections after the long boat journey. Good Ay' was meant to mean, Is your ear ok? A prison was soon built after crime was rife on the Island. The problem was the amount of criminals that arrived on a large pirate ship full of booty. When the Australia Force was formed, prisons were easily built with slave labour from trained crocodiles (affectionately known to the locals as "salties"). The prisons were very crude, and the sound of bells was used as a deterrent to crime, although just what that means no-one has ever worked out.
Other countries, however, viewed Australia as a tourist resort and Europeans came by the thousands - and after having had sex in Australia's drinking water supply - sunbathed on the pristine white beaches. After some undue violence with the prisoners, the English retreated back to England to support their Queen as well as their reigning Monarch, Victoria Beckham.
The governments of the UK and Australia met up in 1902 to discuss the possibility of burning a man, made from half an "Aussie" and half a "Brit" (one of the race unaffectionately known to the locals as "pommie bastards"), put the ashes in a small urn and then play test matches for possession of "The Urn". Australia were quick to dismiss the idea, but after China had started to play Cricket, they knew they must "play up, play up, and play the game". Originally the game was played naked in the burning sun, but clothes were introduced after the first team all died of skin cancer several years after the first match.
In 1978, a giant boat arrived on the shore of the Island, loud disco was booming out of it, but no one got off the boat was several days until the army was called. Once on board the army found a large group of sleeping party people. The people were awoken and welcomed to the Island. This is believed to be the origins of Australia's Gay Scene. The Police of Australia met with the people of the boat, and once they had all had massages on the beach from some nearby aborigines, then it was down to business. The party people agreed to keep the party scene going if they could have immunity from the country's drug laws. This was granted and the party scene grew from the boat. The first party was named "The Liberal Party", then "The Country Party" started up, followed by "The Labour Party". Other parties quickly formed including Democrat, Communist, Green, Brownish, Slightly-Puce, Even More Gay, and the Bugger-All (New Gay) Party.
Early British prisoners in Australia used their pickpocketing skills to steal a captain's ID and set sail in the direction of Antarctica, where they hoped to find Father Christmas and his tireless elves. Unfortunately, recent scientific discoveries have discovered that Santa actually lives at the North Pole, and not the South. Luckily for the ship crew, however, one Henry Barrington Smith had actually constructed his 3/4 flood pants entirely out of magnetic rock sourced from the motherland, England. And as he greatly enjoyed circling the ship's rim, he caused the compasses of the captain to go in random directions - east, west, north, up, into the fourth dimension, and so on. This lead them in a complete circle and back to the beach from which they had left. This is described in the captain's diary as such: "Antartica, I have found, is unlike Australia. It has more water, more culture, and much better night life."
Subsequently becoming the part of the Empire where the sun never set - mainly because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark - the former convicts (now Australians) cleverly got around the eternal daylight hours by the introduction of Daylight Saving Time, thereby throwing out all reckoning of time during the summer months - and so ensuring no one was ever again certain that the sun had indeed risen, or whether it was just a particularly bright moon that night.
From here the newly founded Australia built itself on a strong trade in being anal retentive, awesomely bogan-like, pathological cheats at any number of sporting fare, and drunken-destructive by nature. With this booming trade, the first brewery was founded in Sydney, finally freeing the locals from the unpopular practice of drinking each others urine. This transition from traditional English seafaring beverage to locally-produced products can be seen today in the architecture of the Sydney Opera House. Only with sufficient drunkenness could the local population have agreed to produce something worthy of being deemed erected, and allow the locals to miss the fact that it had been "erected" and not giggle at the term. The obsession that Australians found in gambling was finally put to good use - when they decided (like the dense lot they are) to follow blindly any lead the "good ol' US of A" lays down... They say "Hump", Oz says "How dry?"..."
From here the rest of Australia's arrested-development was chosen, and the Australian national motto decided: "Be wicked which you can't help anyway because you're Australian and criminal behaviour is your birth right!" This cryptic motto comes from an early regional dialect often referred to in early cave paintings as "boof-head/bogan". (Australian archaeologists, before the 1960s, thought the name to be an attempt to distinguish white people from "abbo's". Turns out that it has to do with railways instead.) It has yet to be fully translated, but its impact on Australia is unmistakable.
Australians don't not have tax, they have buckets in the street where people throw money they don't want. It has provided enough money to keep things under control. The buckets have a large vacuum inside that sucks notes in. In recent years, the machines have been repeatedly filled with dog excrement and photographs of money.
Politics and Government
- See also: Australian Parliament
Australia is the only nation in the world to completely occupy an entire continent. This gives Australian government officials a +4 influence bonus, one extra Special Power usage, and two extra armies each turn. Another notable aspect about Australia is that it possesses the detached province of Tasmania, which are used in the Australian Army as shock troops, as well as making good moving targets down at the shooting range or as an alternative to abortion. Occasionally the government hold elections *cough* *cough*.
However, Australians are relatively passive in world affairs, preferring to save up their extra armies every turn and turtling in Indonesia or Siam until they have a sufficient force in reserve to suddenly envelop Asia and thereby enact world domination. Damned lamers. Despite having the best-trained, well-equipped army in the entire world consisting of all the cannons in the black army, half the cavalry, 15 solders and a shit rugby team, the Aussies generally choose to just own the Americans at war games and send them out on beer runs for the rest of us.
For most of the 20th century, Australia was ruled by England's Queen Elizabeth II, a tyrannical and insane monarch who also runs things in New Zealand, Canada, America and India. The current government's international policy seems to be "No Worries, She'll be Right" and apparently consists of doing the American army's work for them, before heading off to the local pub while the Americans take the absence as an opportunity to claim credit for winning the war.
Contrary to Popular Belief among the English, Australia is no longer a colony of criminal miscreants and has grown annoyingly wealthy and 'effluent'. The new 21st century Queen of Australia, Victoria Beckham, has pleaded with Australia to grow up and be independent. However, Australia prefers to still be governed by Great Britain for the sake of tradition, just like Americans prefer to be fat because they can't get off their behinds to save their lives, and the Japanese like to be productive and creative because they're stuck in the 1600s. Not that Australians think they are superior...
Australia, despite being ruled by the monkey queen, has escaped the iron grip of a mutant Grue-eating slug since mid/late-2008, and is now controlled by the secret service double agent for SPECTRE, "Double-O-Kevin".
Wars
Australia has a long tradition of supplying cannon fodder for its imperial overlords - (Britain 1788-1958, and America 1958-Armageddon) - any time they decide to embark on a new adventure. This first began in the Boer War, which wound up with Edward Woodward being tied to a chair and shot. Australians recently commemorated this event by briefly renaming a pub on Chapel St, South Yarra, "Rorke's Drift", as it is common knowledge in South Yarra that Australia has the best army in the world.
The You-Beaut War
In World War I Australians performed an outstanding service to the British Empire by saving their sorry asses in the Somme and at Gallipoli. The British never thanked the Aussies for their service which is why they never visit australia in fear of being killed by hats with grenades attached instead of corks.
The most "potent icon" to emerge out of the Gallipoli conflict was that of Simpson and his Donkey (not to be confused with Homer Simpson), who risked life, limb, hoof and tail ferrying wounded Australian soldiers away from the front line under heavy Turkish fire. The Gallipoli campaign - a military disaster instigated by Winston Churchill - has itself since become a "potent icon" of Australian nationalism, since it was promoted heavily by ex-Prime Monster John Winston Howard, as a deliberate campaign to create the false idea that Australian "mateship" began during the the You-Beaut War.
In fact, Australian identity first arose during the Eureka Stockade, a campaign of defiance against English taxes on the goldfields, and with the legend of the Aussie "swagman". John "Weasel" Howard - a man who never volunteered for the Vietnam War but promoted himself as "The Little Digger" (the same title as ex-PM Billy Highes, another war-monger who sent Aussies as cannon-fodder to the You-Beaut War) - wished to replace the symbol of the Eureka Stockade because he worried it might be seen as 'communist'. As a result, young Australians today see themselves as the descendants of brave Anzacs, yet they cannot stand up for an old person on the bus or train... Well done, JW!
The Shit, not Again You-Beaut War
In World War II, the Australians were all over The Place, planting gum trees in Syria, liberating France, causing riots in Egyptian brothels, building the Burma Railway and the Bridge over the River Kwai. Note: the Burma War history was later amended to include William Holden, famous American (aka "Septic") car designer and other yanks and Brits, but Aussie soldiers were deleted by David Lean the infamous "historical revisionist" greatest man ever (see John Howard) and movie director.
Other You-Beaut Wars
Australians were also in Malaya at some point in the '50s, though nobody seems to remember why. It may have been something to do with Britain's War on Communism. Then they piled into Korea. Returning soldiers tried to interest their loved ones in kimchi, which led to an unprecedented spike in the Australian divorce rate. Then it was Vietnam, though nobody seems to remember why. It may have been something to do with America's War on Communism. Then the "First Bush War" in Iraq, then the undeclared war in East Timor against those tricksy Indonesians who took away Dutch New Guinea ("Don't mention West Irian" again), then the "Second Bush War" in Afghanistan, and the Third Bush War" - Iraq again. Australia valiantly attacked the Solomon Islands, East Timor again, and is probably due to attack the World again. Australia enthusiastically joined the "Bush War on Terrierists" - which arose from a misinterpretation of the American accent of President George Bush who was angry at people keeping terrier dogs (he preferred poodles). The term terrierist was later taken to mean anyone from the Middle East or an Arab (see Muslim or anyone wearing a towel on their head such as Cronulla residents or Maroubra expatriates.
The Hard War
In 1972, a war erupted between Australia and Hungary, after Australia declared that it did not like the country. Australia started to heavily bomb the country, and was joined in force by Italy, Japan, Russia, Jersey, Isle Of Wight, and London in the war. Hungary teamed up with Jamaica, but never started it's war effort due to everyone in the country evaporating after a lot of steam was poured on the country by Japan.
More You-Beaut Wars
Japan and Australia went to war in 1967, after a disagreement about flared trousers. The war was settled with a massive game of conkers using cranes. Japan declined to comment after losing the war, and went into what is now known as 'The Great Japanese Silence'. The rest of the world were not to hear from Japan until 1978, when the country recorded a version of the 'Boy's are back in town'.
In 1983, Australia was embroiled in a war with Jamaica over the running man dance. It was never settled and the countries remain enemies.
Economy
“Insert Money Here”
- See also: WorkChoices
Aussie Land is famous for its domestication of the bizarre eucalyptus tree, on which wooden kangaroos and emperor penguins grow. These animals are harvested, painted a variety of pleasing colours and exported around the world. Large amounts of raw alcohol are also annually excavated from mines and refined into beer through complex chemical processes.
Australia is also famous for its wide and diversified exports, these include such valuable commodities as: cheap, bad beer (all the good beer remains in Australia), emigrants (i.e. human excrement), putrid food, reconstituted putrid foof, child sex offenders (especially to Thailand and Vietnam), "innocent" drug traffickers (and their "specially packaged" surf-boards), Kylie Minogue Fan Club kits, AC/DC, unique and endangered fauna, putrified alcohol, crappy melodrama TV shows, and selling useless junk to American tourists. [1]
After switching to the metric system in 1966, Australian currency now takes the form of stubbies (single items), six packs, and slabs (of 12 or 24) - and as any Australian mathematical genius would deduce these are all perfectly divisible by 10. This is often broken down into various types, most common being VB and XXXX (The name of said beer coming from bogans and boof-head's inability to spell the word "Castlemaine", so the four letters of Beer were replaced with 'x's), then progressing on to slightly classier brews, such as Crown Lagers or "Crownies" as they are affectionately referred to. Trade with such delicate currency can have devastating effects on the local economy. NOTE: the item Foster's Lager is not a true beer as it comprises (at least) 50% horse urine - hence it being the chief sponsoring product for the so-named "Foster's Melbourne Cup".
During the 1200s, many Australians used milk as currency. But this tradition stopped after counterfeiting occurred heavily during the year 1309. Also, many people accidentally drank the family fortune or poured it on their cereal. Sadly, this tradition does not exist, because money was lost by being spilled. After this changed, there was still the problem of what type of currency to use. They moved on to the idea of crap. By the year 1400, many people had become fat just so they could produce more money. This idea had to be stopped because the whole continent smelled, well, like crap. Nowadays, they just use kangaroo brains. This practice is frowned upon in all six continents, including Antarctica, because of poaching. It has also been publicly stated that 66.6% of Australia is Communist. I mean, why would everyone call each other "mate" (including the sheilas)?
Geography
Australia is renowned for its beaches. However, contrary to Popular's beliefs and government propaganda, these seemingly wonderful places are chock full of piranhas, barracuda, poisonous sea serpents, box jellyfish, plankton, genetically-engineered killer dolphins, and of course, hated by all, "floating speed humps" - aka bodyboarders. The waters adjacent to the beaches are even worse. Despite the earnest effort of local authorities and the military, the number of syringe attacks is still sky-rocketing.
Much of Australia consists of flat desert. This makes going to Ayers Rock a rather tedious affair, and many a fatality was caused by some poor yob trying to win a Darwin Award (i.e. wanking) to avoid becoming bored while driving. Other people hold a "corroboree" (Ancient Strayian for "Kiley Minogue Concert") in or near their cars (which are frequently parked on top of local beauty spots) until they get drunk and fall over. Or have sex. Or both.
On the plus side, it makes Australia an ideal location to put suburban sprawl. That should be interesting. (Blow your Horn if you like traffic jams! No, not that horn, ya bastard!)
Australia has several states as well as the Fostern Territory. these are:
- Southern Territory (Basically a southern hemisphere version of Quebec)
- ACT (Acknowledged Centre of everyThing)
- Tascademania (Inhabited by Taswegians and cheese)
- New South Ireland (Famous for its beaches such as Maroubra and Cronulla, which are good for a punch-up)
- Victoriana or "Tramland" (Named for Queen Gracie but later reattributed to the 'other' Queen, Victoria Beckham)
- Terra Australis (This has being dug up and exported to China)
- Queersland (Named after the present British Queer, David Beckham. Seceded from Australia under Joh Bjerke-Whatshisname in 1983 and sold to Japan)
The larger island is divided into "more than 3" states - maybe 5 or 6 states - nobody is sure because states continually disappear and some are territories, or not, which is confusing. Norfolk Island, Heard Island, King Island and the Christmas Islands are not shown on maps, nor are the 'Outer Immigrant Islands'. Somewhere within New South Ireland lies the "Capital City of Australia", Queanbeyan, but no-one is sure if it is a myth or just a rumour. The usual comment by visitors to the Capital City is, "It's well laid out!" but so is a corpse. Antarctica was invaded by Australia in 1901 and declared the 7th state (or is 8th?) - it is ruled by the 'Emperor Penguin' (see Batman). The Northern Territory was ceded by Fiji to Japan in 1982. Australia's favourite state, however, is Intoxication.
Capital Cities
- Adelaide: Regretted labelling itself the "city of churches" since the 60's. Commonly referred to as "never heard of it". Home to 72% of Australia's bogan population, and, ironically, a best expensive wine and cabaret in the world. Go figure..
- Darwin: Population including Cane Toads: 5.2 million. Population minus Cane Toads: Nowhere near Melbourne and Sydney's. Interstate migrants have been introduced to correct this problem.
- Canberra: AKA: The Most BORING place on Earth. The love child of a dummy spit between Melbourne and Sydney. The solution: Put the capital somewhere between the two cities. Everyone's who lives there loses, as they they are comprised of Melbournes crappy weather and the Bogans that roam between there and Sydney. Also the fireworks and porn capital of the country, to make up for all the public servants.
- Hobart: Where a yacht race ends once a year. Obviously the REAL Australia.
- Perth: A city that far away from the East coast cannot still be in Australia, can it? The only city Chuck Norris fears.
- Sydney: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jams, bogans, race riots, uncontrolled migration and air pollution. Residents support a sport which is a local variant of brutal gladiatorial combat known as "Thugby" which derives from the English town of Rugby, famous for its gladiatorial massacres. It's also funny as Hell to watch. For information on Rubgy league, see "Watching farm machinery fight." The city's favourite sport is sodomy and all its dwellers hate...
- Melbourne: All the cool (or deep frozen) people live there. It poops on Sydney's face frequently. Sporting capital, culture capital, should really be the Australian capital except that no-one living there can reliably spell the word "capital". The city's favourite sport is "GAY-FL" and all its dwellers hate Sydney, simply because they are better looking, and because they can't peddle their strange variant of Gaelic Football called "Aerial Pingpong" to anyone else. The Sydney Swans, a team which plays Aerial Pingpong, exists to provide annoyance to ALL Sydneysiders.
Flora and Fauna
- Main article: Australian Wildlife
As mentioned previously, kangaroos and emperor penguins are part of the native fauna in the Australian bush. There is a lesser-known creature that is kept out of the media to prevent a drop in tourism, which is known locally as the 'Drop Bear'. The 'Drop Bear' (Phakus cinereus) is related to the common 'Koala bear', neither of which are related to the bear species. The platypus is also a native to this land, but the locals try to shun association with this horrible embarrassment of evolution. Hoopsnakes and One-eyed Trouser Snakes are also a vital part of Australian life, supplying much of the country's sperm donations.
Crocodiles are typically considered part of the wildlife of this country, but only by foreigners and the late Steve Irwin. In truth, with crocodiles so numerous, they have been allowed the same rights as humans. Of course in Australia, that really doesn't amount to much, since whiteys are legally allowed to hunt and kill Aborigines much in the same way humans can kill crocodiles. This is due mainly to the fact that Aborigines, up until about 40 years ago, were considered fauna.
Another strange looking creature also placed on their money is the hedgehog-wannabe: the Echidna. All sources seem to indicate it's a mammal. But it lays eggs. How does that work? No, seriously... They are rare creatures, and according to some Japanese guy, they have red fur, dredlocks and can punch through solid rock with their spiked fists. It is a common misconception that their spikes are spikey. They're actually soft as your favourite teddy drop bear. The Australian Tourism Board advocates highly recommend using one as a pillow (n a side note, the same organisation has won the "Nations best prankster award" thirty years running).
Of course, the most dominant animal species in Australia, the dingo, remains a deadly baby-eating monster. Most commonly known for eating the child of Meryl Streep, the dingo remains an ongoing problem in Queensland. In the bush areas of the state, it is well known that the nationally produced 'dingo patrol' must stay at bay 24 hours a day to stop swarms of dingoes getting through the great divide and devouring everything in site.
The country is also awashed in feral animals including cats, dogs, pigs, horses, goats, camels, plastic bags, prisoners of mother England posing as citizens (since 1788), pommies,American|yankee]]s and those ehhh... people from that funny country attached to Alaska.
Things that will kill you
It is generally held that Australia is stuffed full of dangerous flora and fauna, many of them resident in the Federal Department of Immigration and released periodically when an election is in the offing. These include many snakes, things in the sea, Kevin Rudd supporters, Kevin Rudd (Mr Sheen) etc. What the locals usually don't mention are the really worrisome creatures:
| Table of Dangerous Australian Fauna | ||||||||
| Bogans | Bunyips | Dingos | Drop Bears | Northern Territoryens | Pointed sticks that look like sea-snakes | Sting Rays | ||
| Jesse Harrison | Killer Kangaroos | Killer Chooks | Lamingtons | Ruddocks | Smooth Hermans | Bogan run Kylie MAN-ogue concerts | Beer drinking, but-munching cigarette fires | "Straylyan" Anti gravity kittens |
Stingrays are also notably dangerous for being capable of killing an Australian who made a living out of wrestling crocodiles. Sharks and Box Jellyfish have had 'bad press' recently and are considered dangerous by some, but are actually friendly, huggable creatures that make good pets and amusing nightclub companions.
Demographics
- Main article: Australians
'Straya consists largely of people who do not come from a country other than Australia. These can be divided into BOGANS (i.e Sydney people) and the rest. The long and the short of it is that Bogans love beer, money, beer, cricket, beer, football, beer, sodomy, beer and anything they can fuck (including beer). Almost all Bogans have a "Blitish" or Asian or Italian or Greek or anything-else background, although it is a little known fact that half of the "immigrant" population of 'Straya in 1900 was Irish. As a result of this "mixed breeding", the locals usually refer to each other as mongrels - see Common Slang below. Australians on the other hand, whilst enjoying the same sports and sex much like bogans, can read, write, produce great literature, music, films and have contributed significantly to the world's technological advances through scientific research. Famous Australian inventions include: anti-penicillin (makes you feel "crook" so you can take a "sickie"), pogo-sticks for one-legged kangaroos, the Holden Barina, Qantas ("Queens And Nymphomaniacs Training As Stewards"), the quantum-powered barbeque, and a vaccine for genital warts. Most Australians live beyond the boundaries of Sydney, and have completed more than primary school - a source of great envy amongst the Bogan population.
Dialects
Bogans are widely thought to be uncultured on account of their accent, which is purely an environmental adaptation. In Australia, the wider you open your mouth and the longer you leave it open the more flies get in if, like most Bogans, you have bad breath. (The word "Australia", for example, usually only has two syllables - "Straya" - though more advanced or inebriated Australian speakers can get it down to one.)
Note that it may sometimes be difficult to tell the difference between Bogans and New Zealanders (commonly known as kiwis) and it is also difficult to tell Australians and Vulcans apart. The most popular method of quickly checking which one they are is by asking them to say "chips". While Bogans are able to pronounce the word correctly with a high pitched 'e' sound (i.e. "cheeps"), kiwis invariably pronounce it as "chups".
| Current Demographics | |||
| 74% | 10% | ||
| 03% | 8% | ||
| 4% | 1.8% | ||
| 1% | 0.2% | ||
| Total: 100% | |||
Common Slang
It helps in any country to know the native language, but never so much as in Australia, else let you be the subject of much embarrassment.
- G'day - Hello. - Not used as commonly as stereotypicised
- Mate - A good male friend.
- Rooch - See - Mate.
- Bulger - "G'day Bulger!" - Nickname given to a friend see - Mate who has a large belly.
- Bludger - Someone who doesn't work for a living, often used in familar greetings, as in: "Get a job, ya bludgin' c-nt."
- Feesh and Cheeps - Fish and Chips
- Haoyabin? - May I enquire as to how your life has treated you lately?
- Bugger - "Aw bugger, me shed's on fire.." - Oh dear. Used in slightly different context and said slightly differently than the British version.
- Out back - Term to describe one's backyard, or somewhere located deeper into the wilderness.
- Bush - "Let's go shooting in the bush!" - Contrary to popular belief, this word has no sexual connotation and is used to describe an area that is densely populated by trees.
- Barbie - Cooking unit used outside, otherwise referred to as a 'barbeque'
- Chuck a [insert food item here] on the barbie! - "Non-Aussie", spoken mainly by immigrants and tourists who have watched the Saatchi TV a.
- Billy - Small pot used to boil water or cook food over a fire. Or: the first prime minister of Australia (doesn't hold water).
- Damper - Bread made from self raising flour, salt and water, and cooked in a pot in the coals of a fire. Goes well with honey.
- Bogan - Person of a lower class background. - See - Sydney
- Bail - "It's the cops! Bail!" - To leave/depart. Usually done in anger or to get away from Connex
- Bloke - normally refers to middle/lower class male. Excludes bogans.
- Hard yakka - Hard work
- Bloody Oath! - An expression of complete agreeance.
- Cactus - "Oi Shazz! The bloody TV's cactus again!" - Ceasing to perform vital functions.
- Buggered - "Naw mate, I'm buggered." - To have no energy, or to be in a situation that could end with negative results.
- Stuffed - See - Buggered.
- Cockie - A cockroach, OR a farmer, OR a cockatoo (which can be a bird or more often a person who acts as 'lookout' for the police during an illegal activity such as playing "two-up".
- Crack one - "Rooch, di' jou crack one, it reeks in 'ere." - To pass gas, not from the mouth.
- Crack a fatty - Get an erection.
- Spoof - Ejaculate.
- FIGJAM - Fuck I'm Good Just Ask Me - See Figjam song.
- Grog - Beer.
- Pommy bastard - A person of English heritage.
- Pommy shower - Using deoderant instead of taking a shower.
- Sanga - "Can wunnayouse chuck us a sanga?" - Sandwich. In the more civilised Australian tongue, a toasted sandwich.
- Polish off - To finish.
- Scull - To drink as much as possible in one sitting without taking a breath or removing the source of liquid from the mouth. This is distinct from "scoffing" beer which is like drinking but missing your mouth.
- Trackie Dacks or Trakkies - Tracksuit pants. Not often worn in public in the larger cities, but common and very popular attire in areas such as Frankston, Castlemain or Bendigo. A.k.a. Only bogans wear trakkies in public.
- As useful as tits on a bull - How useful are tits on a bull?
- Yewwy - A U-turn in traffic "Chuck a yewwy at the next roundabout."
- Chunder - now an archaic term used by tourists and Barry Humphries - the big spit, previously "technicolour yawn".
- Mongrel - a term of friendship. Locals enjoy being hailed by tourists with the endearing greeting, "Piss off, ya fuckin mongrel".
- Sheila: anything female on two legs, or sometimes four, as in: "Crikey, check out that ewe! What a bonza shiela, I bet she's a good root!".
- Bonza - "jolly good, old chap", same as "beaudy".
- Hoon - of unknown derivation, but possibly was borrowed from the German word "Hunne" (Chicken) from which we get the charming description of Germans as 'huns'. Visitors to Australia are invited to study "hooning", which is a method for driving cars and is greatly admired by the police. Visitors may also wish to become honorary hoons which involves drinking a lot of beer then attacking police officers (UK visitors should note: Australian police are armed, and this is your chance to experience the fresh aroma of "capsicum spray", a local police delicacy, or the invigorating shock of a taser).
- Derro - a "derelict", previously an alcoholic - a "wino" who liked "plonk" - now a name for the new generation of bogans. Commonly found to be a mix of bogan and surfer, with a very limited culture and ignorance of anyone without blonde surfer's hair, a white and fluro hoodie that burns the eyes, board shorts, uses words like "mad, dogga, sick, heaps, bro", etc. The bogan-surfer however is not a new phenomenon in Australia, having existed in centres such as Maroubra, Cronulla and Narrabeen since the 1950s, when they used words like "stoked, groovy, far-out, freaked, cool" etc;
NOT Common Slang
These are the things you should never utter in the presence of an Australian, else suffer a "smashing."
- Anything in a fake Australian accent - No, you do not do good impressions, nobody can.
- "Chuck another shrimp on the barbie!" - not Aussie; invented by The Australian Tourist Board - aka Saatchi & Saatchi - and actor Paul Hogan (see Bruce). What's wrong with it? For a start, we don't even call them "shrimp," we call them "prawns." Secondly, they are a delicacy, not eaten by those who just chuck something on a barbeque. Thirdly, we prefer steak anyway, regardless of class... or lamb... or tofu.
- Bruce - Contrary to English sensibilities, not ALL Aussies are named "Bruce". Only 50%. Similarly not ALL Englishmen are named "Jeremy" - only 90%. So avoid the stereotyping and don't try greeting an Aussie with "G'day Bruce."
Culture
- Main article: Australian Values
“It is a common misconception that we Aussies are a friendly bunch. In reality, this is designed to attract tourists, who are then beaten, robbed and fed to the crocodiles or koalas by Bogans. It save the rest of the Australian population (outside Sydney) from subsidizing that sorry hole of a city, as we just can't bring ourselves to nuke it and start all over again”
~ Australian Tourism Commission
The term culture in Australia is synonymous with Literature, Science and somewhat quaintly, Sport- see below. This is expressed by the well-known mathematical equation first devised by the the Australian-of-the-Year (1847) - Sir Les Patterson: Sport = Culture.
Australian culture is wide and diverse - when compared to Chinese "culture" or American "Culture" but it is somewhat young when compared to the glory that is European culture. Much of Australia's culture lies in upholding the cultural barriers between themselves and their neighbour New Zealand, and flipping off the Americans in public whilst selling their crap to the Bogans and Kiwis.
Another charming aspect of Bogan culture is the humiliation of other nations, though conventional or unusual methods (such as genetically altering fauna and flora to hate tourists). A prime example is the koala, whose only purpose is to lure in Japanese tourists with furry good looks and leaf-eating predilections. Once cuddled up in the victim's arms for a photo opportunity, the koala slashes major blood vessels with its razor-like claws, causing instant (and often permanent) death. The Japanese would have put a stop to this long ago, were it not for Australia's strategic advantage (see "Politics and Government").
Australia is a very relaxed society and it is considered OK to use abusive or ugly words to describe fellow (Bogan) citizens who may be suffering from physical or other handicaps. This is because Aussies have rejected the idea of "political correct" (PC) language - see John Howard - which may be amusing to visiting Europeans (wogs), Americans (septics), Asians (chinks), etc. On the other hand, Neo-Nazi visitors to Australia will be very pleased. Anyone who is intellectually handicapped can be abused, for example as 'autistic' or 'retard', and the locals will laugh along heartily: names like 'spastic' are enjoyed widely. Indigenous citizens can be referred as 'abbos', 'boongs' and 'niggers' and their hopelessness and poverty seen as hilarious, but no-one will take offence! Join in the fun!
Visitors to the country often comment on the uniquely Australian whimsy for place names. For example, the Sydney Opera House and Sydney Harbour Bridge are both, deceptively, kinds of fungus grown in caves in land-locked Alice Springs. Similarly the states of New South Wales, Western Australia, the Northern Territories, the Australian Capital Territory and South Australia are all national parks in the island of Tasmania. Contrast the states of Queensland, Tasmania and Victoria named by the plain-speaking English.
Australians are perhaps proudest of their long tradition of home-slaughtering, a cherished pastime in which the whole family joins in in killing, gutting and butchering animals ranging from emu, kangaroo and platypus to the more exotic dugong and wobbegong. Another common pastime is annoying the Brits, for example, by going into a drunken diatribe about how the English murdered all the Aborigines with the quaint recipe, "strychnine in the flour and cyanide in the billabong", then saying "Nah, just kidding, mate. You're all right ... for a stinkin', lousy, bath-dodging, whingeing Pom."
Sports
- Main article: Sport in Australia
Australians are renowned for their unseemly, hairy-chested and generally puzzling obsession with sport. Anthropologists largely agree that this is because of the Bogan influence of Sydney, in that it is the antithesis of all that is good about Australian artistic, economic, scientific or culinary achievements. Hence sport exists to prevent civil war between the Sydney-Based Bogans, and the rest of the delicate and much better educated population.
The biggest sports in Australia are, in order of popularity: cross dressing, cricket, Australian Rules football (Commonly referred to as the GayFL),anal sex, V8 Supercars, ferret racing, rugby union, two-up and the Olympics. Australians will, however, slap on the green-and-gold zinc cream and clamber aboard the bandwagon of any Australian sportsman or team that seems to be in with a sniff of winning something - for example, if an Australian tennis player other than L'il Lleyton Hewitt gets past the first round at a Grand Slam event - HA! Fat chance!!!
A new sport in Australia is Professional League Barbecuing. Each round takes place on a beach in Australia, and whoever manages to grill and eat the most weight of meat is the winner. First prize is death by massive coronary thrombosis and a complimentary bout of irritable bowel syndrome thrown in for good measure. Last year, at the end of the league, over 500 tonnes of meat was eaten by 10 contestants.man australia is gay There is another division of barbecuing called Extreme Power Barbecuing. This is where the contestants have to take out their V8 engines from their cars, hook them up to their barbecues, and grill away. So much meat is cooked in this league it is enough to feed an average sized farm of velociraptors. Instead, the Australians have developed a system where they can use the meat to make new cars, which they ship off to the UK and US. This is designed to kill as many English and Americans as possible. This all slots into place with their master plan - which amounts to "bupkiss".
Language
- Main article: Australian-English Dictionary
Australians have annoyingly high-pitched voices and the blokes sound like they have been testillated
Common Saeyings from the aetypical Austraeleeean Bloke:
- "Woddareyoulookinat?"
- "So Wheeeere the Bloody Hell Are ya?" - Quote from the Failed Advertising Ad For Australia
- "Pass me a Bundy, hunnny" (Bundy is a form of rum used as rocket propellent.)
- "Fill 'em fulla lead!" (oddly, also the name of the sequel to "Brokeback Mountain")
- "You Beaut! Man love is exaaactly what I'm talking about!"
- "Strewth! Where's me Revlon kit, Daaave?!?"
- "Seeeee you aet the shaeke and sheeeeever, ya queeer b@$tard"
- "Stroll to the graevy bowl" (you really shouldn't ask what this means)
- "Show us ya teeeeets!" (traditional greeting to Australian women)
- "GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG'DIIEEEEEEEEEEEE MATE!"
- "Bugger off! I f@#kin' won't geeeevup sodomy!"
- "F#ck That! While I f*ck This! But paess me the Vaeseleeeeeene first!" (oddly, also the name of the last movie in the "Brokeback Mountain" Trilogy)
- "Wheeeeere's the ute?" (a "ute" is a "utility vehicle" or "pick-up truck" in the USA. Not known in the UK. Aussies never walk)
- "G'daey Maaaate" (if you don't reply with a handshake and a "G'day" back, you will be considered a "fuckin' prick")
- "You leeeettle reeeeeeppa!!" ("Jolly good")
- "Wanna go chuck some snaegs on tha barbeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" (correct answer would be "Bloody oath" or "Wheresa coleslaw?")
- "you shout the beeeeeeeeers and i'll shout the grub" (no, you are not shouting at the waiters for beers and grubs...)
- "Go Get Me A Drill Beeeeeeeet Aend Some Number 8 Wire" (famous quote originated in the small township of Junee)
- "Go Get Meeeeee 2 Baegs Of Chaeff" (Something Australians say if their vehicle is bogged and getting out seems impossible)
- "What the fu^%! I aeeeeeeen't paeyeeeeeen no f*#@ing gold tax! Lets revolt deeees sh%*t! (see Eureka Stockade)
Australian National Anthem
As might be expected for Australia, there is no 'real' or agreed National Anthem. However the nation does offer a smorgasbord of anthems from which any Aussie or visitor may like to choose:
This used to be the standard fare, but many Australians had not realised there are 5 verses to the song including one about buggering the Scots, and had trouble remembering more than the first verse. Also the non-English citizens of Australia (more than 50% of the population in 1900) had "problems" with singing about a British rock band.
The new selection includes:
The personal favourite of former Prime Monster Malcolm "The Grazier" Frazer, who enjoyed the rousing words about the troopers and "squatters" (trans: wealthy land-owners) riding rough-shod over the poor "swagman" (trans: bum) who was only trying to huff a "jumbuck" (trans: sheep or kiwi - the context is not clear).
This as originally the enchantingly boring TV jingle for the Victorian Department of Transport (aka 'Connex'), but became the 'polite' anthem, i.e. without any "naughty bits". Although everyone voted for it, no-one can remember the words except by looking them them up in, errr.. Wiki... Wiki... no, we can't bring ourselves to say it, but you know what it is: the Evil Twin of Uncyclopedia. The words for the Revised Popular Version go:
"Australia's sons, no sorry that includes sheilas now, let us rejoice"; "Cos we are young", whoops, we're actually one of the most aged societies, "Cos we are young but include the temporally-challenged" "And free, well not exactly free but available for rent" (at reasonable prices plus 'GST' (Pom trans: VAT) "We've golden soil... the bits that aren't burnt out or underwater"; "And wealth from oil" (except it's time for statutory tea-break then I've got a half day off for shopping); "Our home is girt by sea, who the bloody hell is Gert?" "For hmmm hmmm hmm, and hmmm hmmm hmm, our hmmm hmm hmm hmm hmmm, advance straya fare!"
I Wouldn't Say No to an Ice Cold Beer
Composition of this version was wrongly attributed to the famous Australian cross-dresser, Dame Edna Everage, but later re-attributed to the Australian Cultural Attache in London, Sir Les Patterson. It appeared on a record in 1962 named "Private Eye Blues" (B Humphries, P Cook & W Rushton), sung by unknown tenor Bazza Mackenzie. Fortunately it is impossible to buy now... So you heard it first here on Radio UNCYC!
Before I left Australia, To travel o'er the seas, I went into our lounge room, And sat on my old father's knees. He was full of worldly wisdom, Or so I ascertain, And what he said to me that day, Has lingered in my brain. He'd spent years in the outback, In the land of thirst and drought, And he said to me, "Son... "Don't ever look a gift horse in the mouth. "If a joker offers you a drink, "Don't pause to count the cost, "And the same applies to sheilas, "He who hesitates in lost." So now I'm in the old country, And living in Earls Court, If a fellah offers me a drink, I say "I'll be in that sport!" And the same applies to sheilas, If they're pretty or they're not, When a girl gives me the old green light, I'm in there like a shot! See Chorus below.
One day I strolled down Earls Court Road, And into a pub I was lured, "Where do you come from?" says a nosey Pom, As I downed the amber fluid. So I told him straight, "I'm Australian mate, "And I feel like getting plastered, "But the beer here's crook, "And the girls all look, "Like you, you pommy bastard"! Repeat chorus.
I met a bird the other day, And she says, "Pleased to meet ya." So I smiles and says, with a nod of me head, "Well how's about a feature?" Then we drank ice cold, and I got more bold, Till she took a pack of fags out, And said "Lets drink beer." I said, "I'm sorry dear, "But tonight I've got the flags out!" Repeat chorus.
Old England's really on its back, That's to my way of thinking, The female talent's to the pack, And the beer's not worth drinking. The average Brit talks a load of bull, And they live in terrace houses, And they talk of how the winds do change, With no seat to their trousers! Repeat chorus.
Chorus:
Oh, I wouldn't say no to an ice cold beer, And I wouldn't say no to a naughty, I've lived in England for many a year, In a bed-sitter in Earls Court-y. The beer over here isn't fit to drink, And the sheilas are cold and haughty, But I wouldn't say no to an ice cold beer, And I wouldn't say no to a naughty!
A parody of disturbia
(supposedly composed by someone purporting to be a "rhiana" - which is a species of south american mongoose)
fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba, fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba No more springs in my bed, i squished them last night, nothing healthy nothing good, should i try walking tonight. In my fridge on my bed, the food is never light. i think I'm morbidly obese, yeah... The doctor said i had two more months left, but the food is just so irresistible, a disease in my mind, cant stop eating. im to fat for comfort... whoa. follow your nose now, you're in the city of burgers, where you eat till, your insides burst inside you. You'd better think twice, or ill eat you for a snack at midnight. so only come near if you must. coz we live in... australia. we are the fattest nation wide, australia. eating a hamburger tonight. australia. mcdonald's is what we like. australia. australia... fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba fat fattybomba, fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba fat fatty bomba and the rest we forgot (like Advance a Straya Wossnum)
Other versions of the National Anthem are known to exist in hyperspace and occasional materialise on Straya Day, and usually involves beer, for example:
"Av a beer on the deck, put your hand up her skirt, and up around her neck. Save the dust, I wanna go to Bed."
"Beer, beer, beautiful beer, oh so cold and amber clear. Not half as nice as a woman's eyes, but a hell of a lot more sincere."
See also
- Australian Units
- SSAR
- Australian Civil War
- Pakenham
- Kevin Rudd
- John Howard
- The battle of Brisbane
- Ben Hayward
References
- ↑ Boyle, Lance D. (2005-08-25). Car Shoes take Australia by Storm. TheSpoof.com.
External links
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Canada ~ This country is NOT Australia ~ Canadia ~ The REAL Sheep-Shaggers ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
