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“Smerdlock does not trade bills. Trading bills is not natural circulation.”
|Date of birth:||October 19, 1957 (although Rob Zombie claims it was 1968)|
|Place of birth:||Haddonfield, Ontario, Canada|
|Nationality:||Purely and simply... Evil|
|Known for||SNL, Wayne's World, Austin Powers, Shrek, So I Married an Axe Murderer, Halloween killing sprees, making William Shatner scarier than he would have been otherwise|
|Occupation||SNL legend, actor, comedian, serial killer, mass murderer, horror icon|
|Religion||Thorn (1989-1995), Mocherism (1998-Present)|
Were you looking for the Love Guru? No? What a surprise... Michael Audrey "The Shape" Myers was conceived and born on the 19th of October 1957, in a maple syrup mine, in his home town of Haddonfield, Ontario, Canada.
The Myers family were otter farmers, and had a proud history of it. Pieterzoon Myers emigrated to Canada from Uzbekistan in the early 1840s and started a family, their only income being the delicious otters in the area. Mike's father had already planned for him to take over the family business, but Mike had other ideas..
Always the clown, Mike was a comedian from the beginning and would usually be seen making his friends or classmates laugh.
|This stuff just came to my head, and I had to let it out. It was a lot like masturbation in a sense.|
edit Halloween, 1963
On Halloween Night, October 31, 1963, Mike Myers and his younger sister Laurie were being babysat by a woman named Mrs. Blackenship at her house. Unfortunately, Mike's plan were far different from a traditional Trick-Or-Treat. While Mrs. Blackenship was asleep, Mike Myers went across the street to his own house and saw his older sister, Judith, making out with her boyfriend Roy Aykroyd, Eh? This made Mike very angry and he went inside and picked up a kitchen knife, waited for Roy to leave, and brutally murdered Judith in her bedroom upstairs with a razor. By modern standards this would be seen as something as an over-reaction, because, as far as anyone can ascertain, Roy never got anywhere *near* third base, but up until 1992 it was illegal to witness sibling makeouts (siblings making out with non-siblings, weirdo) without murdering them. This law was repealed by Canadian Emperor Hirohito Maximoto because it was, "pretty ridiculous". On November 4, 1963, Michael "Mike" Myers was committed to Smith's Grove-Warren County Sanitarium under the care of Dr. Sam Loomis.
He attended the Connectthedots film and literature society for a year after high school graduation (under Dr. Loomis's supervision) and that was where he decided he wanted to become an actor, his only other options being a janitor, otter farmer, serial killer, and mass murderer. He spent several years doing various small acts and low budget films for local television, and developed the skills he needed to become the actor he so dearly wanted to be. Unfortunately, his rage and madness got to him. He would go into a catatonic state, sit down in a chair, and stare at a blank, white wall, showing absolutely no emotion. Other times, he would be in a murderous mood, still showing little or no emotion. Dr. Loomis knew exactly what was living behind the eyes of Mike Myers... Evil.
edit The night HE came home
- Main article: Halloween (film)
On October 3, 1988, fifteen years after the grisly murder of Judith Myers, Dr. Loomis and Nurse Marion Chambers drove to Dave's house in Ontario, Canada from the courthouse in Quebec to pick up Michael, who was to stand trial for killing his sister. He ended up breaking free, nearly killing Nurse Chambers, and driving away in Loomis's station wagon.
He stalked three teenage babysitters, one of whom was his younger sister Laurie, now adopted by the Strode Family. He breaks into a local hardware store, taking a couple ropes, a ghostly white William Shatner mask, and a couple knives. Mike then killed off the babysitters one by one, and Dr. Loomis was tracking him down the whole time. Mike Myers attempted to kill Laurie, but she pulled off his mask. Dr. Loomis came into the room and shot Mike six times, and he fell off of the balcony, disappearing within minutes.
He then followed Laurie to the hospital, killing a few doctors, nurses, and a security guard along the way. Loomis burned down the building, and Myers was believed to be dead.
edit Big Break
His big break came in April 1984 when he co-starred in the film Lords, broads and sleazy cheap mobsters with Al Pacino and Steven Seagal. Although the movie was a flop (mainly attributed to Seagal's dedication to chopping wood with his penis instead of concentrating on how to act) Mike was still able to get his name out in public for the first time without having to murder anybody.
His next hit was "Wayne's Planet" as a sci-fi thriller based on the planet Mars and starring Woody Allen as Mike's goodhearted but annoying sidekick, Garth. This was when he was recognized by his future manager, Hans Beefeater.
Hans and Myers came up with a new concept for a movie in autumn of 1996, it was to be a spy action comedy about a 1960s KGB spy lost in the not so distant future. It was to become 1997's highest grossing feature film. 1960s Shagadellic spy in the Future made over 110 million in the box office and made Myers a very happy man. Unfortunately, Mike Myers felt that something was missing in his life... his sister Laurie.
edit Halloween, 1988
Main article Halloween 4: Michael Myers Is Done Napping
On October 31, 1988, Mike discovered that Laurie had an almost-eight-year-old daughter, his niece Jamie, who lived in Haddonfield. Laurie was believed to have died in a car crash \. Once again, Dr. Loomis was on the hunt for Myers and he was going to stop at nothing.
Jamie had been adopted by the Roy family, although they claim it's pronounced "Wah." She had just turned eight when Mike began his rampage, ten years to the day of the 1978 massacre. He broke into a drug store and stole a white mask that looked strikingly similar to the one he wore in 1978. Myers was 31 years old.
Mike Myers killed off fifteen people that night, but was shot down by a firing squad and left for dead. But he was still alive, and he wasn't finished hunting Jamie yet.
edit The revenge of Mike Myers
Main article: Halloween 5: The Search For More Money
In 1989, one year later, Mike Myers returned to Haddonfield, Ontario, Canada, to once again wreak havoc on Jamie and the Roy family. This time, Jamie was in the nuthouse after writing a script entitled Shrek, which was to star Uncle Mike. Also, she was mute, but somehow regained her speech. Jamie's foster sister, Rachel Roy, who survived the previous massacre, was scissored to death. Myers killed sixteen people before being captured by Loomis and the police. But a Man in Black named Johnny Cash entered the jail and killed all of the officers. Mike Myers escaped, and was on a different mission... to join the cast of Saturday Night Live.
edit The curse of Mike Myers
Main article: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers
In 1995, six years after the 1989 massacre and fresh off of his run on Saturday Night Live, Mike Myers decided to move on to bigger, better, and bloodier things. He became the subject of a hoax involving a Druid cult known as Thorn. The boy that Laurie was babysitting in 1978, now a full-grown adult, told the Strode Family of why Mike kills. He explained that a young boy is chosen to kill off his entire family to save the cult. He cannot die until the rest of his family does. He also explained that Myers is a huge fan of Barbra Streisand and listens to her music all the time and watches her movies almost every day when he's not acting or killing or going catatonic.
Mike's final sacrifice, according to this hoax, was to be his niece Jamie and her baby, Stephen. Then another young boy was to be chosen to succeed Myers in a murderous rampage. Myers killed about sixteen people this time around, including his own doctor, Dr. Loomis.
edit Laurie Strode: Twenty years later
In 1998, twenty years to the day of the 1978 killing spree, Michael Audrey Myers discovered that his sister, Laurie, was still alive, living under an assumed name (Britney W. Spears) in California. Myers was furious and set out to California to kill her once and for all. Laurie Strode/Britney Spears was a prep school teacher, 37 years old, haunted by the memory of her brother and his dreadful sequel to Wayne's Planet.
She was horrified to see Mike, white mask and all, looking directly at her through a window on a door at the school. She had no memory of having a daughter named Jamie. She had a 17-year-old son named Larry Tate. Michael failed to kill Laurie. However, Michael switched uniforms with a mute paramedic named Marcel Marceau. Laurie, thinking he was Myers, decapitated Marceau and felt relieved until the mask was pulled off.
The Shape went home, planning on retiring from murders once and for all. He wanted to look in his phone book for rehab centers for murderers, but he found a bunch of teenage sluts doing a webcast in his house. He was so pissed he shaved his head bald and beat them all with umbrellas in a fit of rage, because all of his knives were dirty in the dishwasher.
edit Mike's Demise
Myers was fending off a baby dragon that had starred in his latest movie Shrek 7: The S&M Adventures. The dragon was said to be angry because Myers had attempted to molest him while they were both playing table hockey. While fighting the dragon a sharp blow to the head caused the dragon to explode, setting Myers on fire. Myers was burned severely and left for dead. The remains of the dragon were sentenced to community service. Myers' family said they were disappointed with the verdict. Because of the blast Myers needed a total face reconstruction and two replacement ribs. Things didn't get any better for the actor and former murderer who now believed he was no longer "beautiful." He began to have cosmetic plastic surgery to his face, and dabbled in "skin bleaching" which resulted in his pasty white complexion.
His 2003 movie, Wheres Waldo???? was the public's first glimpse at Myer's new features and although the movie was given average reviews, it never sold as much as his older films. It seemed the public liked Myers's old persona more than the new.
In 2007 Myers starred in a movie called The Love Wizard. This movie was subjected to widespread criticism, as the movie, while labeled as a comedy, was in fact not funny. Also, a number of wizards complained that they were being portrayed very badly in the film. With one scene depicting a drunken wizard (Myers) beating a rabbit to death with what seemed to be a piece of paper with the words 'my career' written on it. Myers is currently being sued for the trauma that he has caused his fans and the wizards. He is expected to settle by offering a life time supply of chocolate ass cream.
Unfortunately, Mike passed away from a terrible blow to the head from one of those wizards that did not like his chocolate ass cream. Mikey was devastated that he was dead. What could he do now? Just, go on? No. Mike will not. He will continue to be dead, but will still perform his amazing acts of murderous doomsaying. Hide your children. Hide your wife. Hide your husband too, cause he be killing e'ry one up in here.
After what he believed was a failure with Wheres Waldo???? Myers packed up his life in the US and jetted out of the country in his private Lear jet. For three years, Myers had made no more films. But in the summer of 2007, he was returned with Shrek the Third, and on August 31, 2012, he tells his life story in Rob Zombie's Halloween.
In Halloween, Mike Myers gets to tell his life story, as it has never been told before. Previously, John Carpenter told Mike's story in 1978, but the studio decided to turn this real life actor, comedian, and murderer into a series of endless sequels, diminishing the true purpose of the original film. Myers was reduced to a guy in a white mask being attacked by Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection. But Myers decided it was time for a change.
He called Bob and Harvey Weinstein, whose studio Dimension Films, owns the rights to Halloween (the movies and the holiday itself), and told them to make a Mike Myers biopic that is actually great. The studio agreed and the Weinsteins called up Rob Zombie, and he agreed.
The film stars Tom Hanks as Mike Myers, George Clooney as Dr. Loomis, Colin Mochrie as Big Joe Grizzley, Dana Carvey as himself, Tom Arnold as Norm MacDonald, Jason Statham as David Spade, Don Cheadle as Tim Meadows, Jan Hooks as Laurie Strode, and Bob Hoskins as Adam Sandler.
Mike Myers had last been seen farming Otters in New Hampshire, England.
Mike Myers has been spotted in Yale College, Wrexham. He is currently doing an ICT course
- Wayne's World (1992)
- Wayne's World 2 (1993)
- Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1998)
- Austin Powers: For Your Thighs Only (1999)
- Austin Powers: You Only Shag Twice (2002)
- So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)
- Shrek (2001)
- The Cat in the Hat (2003)
- Shrek 2 (2004)
- Doom (2005)
- Shrek the Third (2007)
- The Love Guru (2008)
- Ignominious Bastards (2009)
- Shrek Forever After (2010)
- The Secret Life of
the American TeenagerWalter Mitty (2010)
- The Love Guru 2: Electric Boogalo (TBA)