Augustus
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“He didn't really restore the Republic, you know.”
~ Captain Obvious on Augustus
“He took away the power of the Senate and ignored the liberties of the people? Sounds like the kind of guy I'd invite to the Lincoln Bedroom...for a small fee of course..”
~ Bill "Slick Willie" Clinton on Augustus
Augustus (previously known as Gnastius Octavius Octavian 'Octopussy Junior' ) grabbed the Roman Republic by the short and curlies and transformed into the new 'All Singing, All Killing Roman Empire' we now read about today. And what's more - no one saw him do it . Augustus pretended he was going to 'fix' the Roman Republic and instead turned into a manic family business. Some of the stationery remained the same and Rome still conquered in the name of 'The Senate and People of Rome' (SPQR) - on the eagle standards that was carried by all the Roman armies. But it was all a bit of farce - a neat trick and this is how Augustus - or as he started out 'Octavius' - did it.
[edit] Octavian
[edit] Eight Legs Good - Usually
The future Augustus started life at the pleb end of Rome in 63 BC. His father Gnastius Octavius 'Octopussy' Senior was a strange man who believed in the power and luck of the number eight. He had an eight room villa, an eight wheeled chariot and an eight books to read in rotation. Octavius senior also liked keeping a pet octopus (hence the nickname) and worshiped an obscure Roman god called Octa 'Eight-Ball' Slap-Yer-Money-Down' to increase his luck.
His own father (also called Octavius 'Useless' - that's original)) had died backing the wrong dictator (Sulla) in the infamous Roman civil wars a few years earlier . The losers lost their estates and their heads - the latter being nailed to the rostrum where Romans would hear the latest news updates. His father's fate and loss of the family status persuaded Octavius senior to instead make his money in the exotic pet trade .
Known as 'Octopussy's Pet Emporium' - the store soon became a popular pick up place for rich Romans to meet each other over a tank full of tarantulas. It was situated next to the Temple of Octa and soon Octavius Senior's fortunes began to make a modest recovery .
It was at the temple of Octa that Octavius met Augustus's mother - the rather better connected Atia Caesar. Her Rapido Expresso litter threw 'a slave' as they say (the unfortunate had collapsed and died in other words) outside the Octa Temple . It had then toppled to the ground - tipping Atia into the mud. As she had stood up to clean herself - a crowd had gathered around to gawmp and grope at the expensively dressed woman. Octavius rushed over to her side and gave Atia a slave ( and an octopus -special offer that week) to help her continue on her journey.
Now it just so happened that Atia had been on her way back from a local oracle where she had been told that on this day she would meet her future husband on the trip back and that he would have something about the number eight. So not one in doubting The Gods - Atia thought this must mean she had to marry Octavius. He also thought it was the right match as Atia was wearing a spider shaped ornament around her neck
Atia's uncle Julius Caesar was at first against his niece marrying 'the squid man' as he called Octavius but eventually relented when told by Atia that 'a lizard's gizzards never lie' (her oracle reading had including the dismemberment of an unfortunate reptile). Caesar agreed to funding the nuptials and then left Rome for a long tour of duty in Gaul to fill his army boots with barbarian booty .
The disappearance of 'Uncle Julie' didn't bother Octavius and Atia as they were too busy in the bedroom conceiving, producing and directing babies. Two were born in relatively quick succession - Octavia and then her younger brother Octavius 'Octopussy Junior'. However Octavius Senior's hope to have another six children were cut short when he died from the bite of a poisonous spider. So eight wasn't so lucky for him after all.
[edit] Agrippa and Agrappla
With their father dead - Octavia and Octavius were left with Atia's mother Julia whilst she went out shopping for a new husband. Julia was known as the 'slave thrasher' for her harsh treatment of the domestic servants. She also believed that beating someone close to death was good for their morality as well and so decided that Octavius needed to go to the toughest school she knew : Scipio's College For Boys and Bullies. Despite Atia's fears and opposition - Julia got her way and sent her grandson off to the school.
Like all newbies arriving for the first time at school Octavius had his packed lunch stolen , books burnt and ended the day hanging upside down over an open sewer. It would have been worse for him if hadn't met in the course of the day the Brawnius twins - Agrippa and Agrappla. Fed on a diet of junk Ancient Roman food (Gallic Fries , Teutonic Sausage , Corinthian Kebabs etc ) they were the biggest boys in the school but remembered Octavius at his father's pet shop and that he had once given them a pig to play with . That the Brawnius boys had then stolen it and turned the pig into a pot roast was neither here or there - for Octavius he had found his first friends - and bodyguards.
[edit] The Man From Your Uncle
Like all the other boys at school - Octavius followed the exploits of Julius Caesar in 'Gallic War' reports as they listened to the weekly summaries from orators in The Forum. Compared to the other Roman leaders like the fat and waddling Pompey and the gold toothed money grubber Crassus , Caesar seemed to be more of a 'statesman' though there was a strong rumour that he was a 'sexual plunderer' - chasing both men and women when it took his fancy. But at least Octavius always got a few gold coins on his birthday from 'Uncle Julie'and a book about 'Philosophy, Politics and Pederasty' which always puzzled his young mind.
However whilst Octavius was still in his short toga - news reached Rome of a military disaster. Caesar's colleague Crassus had been killed by the Parthians in a bodged war in Mesopotamia . This now meant that it was now between Caesar and Pompey - and the latter had already bought the Roman Senate to support him against Caesar. Octavius decided to leave Rome and headed north to look for Gaul and his Uncle Julius.
He had eventually reached a river and crossed over where the water was shallow. On the other bank facing north was a scruffy little temple and a sign marked out in a big red circle painted on a board:
Welcome To the Homeland of Roman Republic. You are about to cross the mighty Rubicon. If you are a Roman general , please leave your army in the lockers provided at the nearby Temple of Jeremius Pax Hominem . Only household slaves can accompany you to Rome. No Credit Cards Unless You Want To Be Really Really Mean !
Whilst Octavius had read the notice ('picking his nose' according to a later writer) - a man nearby shouted at him . Octavius looked round and saw a brutish looking soldier in armour washing his socks in the river. He was apparently leaning on a cleft rock which , on a second longer look for Octavius , turned out to be the bare buttocks of an ample naked woman shampooing her hair in the river.
Gnastius Octavius..My Name is Mark Antony. I am sharper than a Parthian pin and meaner than Macedonian mustard. I don't care where I stick my penis because I believe in Rome and Julius Caesar . I am here as your uncle's emissary. Oh.. this is my wife Fulvia. She's eccentric.
Fulvia had looked over her shoulder and then snorted as she looked at the skinny legs of Octavius.
I see he has the bandy legs of the Caesars . Will he go bald like old Julie as well ?
Leaving them to get dressed , Mark Antony and Octavius had then walked a little distance where Julius Caesar and his legions were camped inside a fortified stockade.
[edit] Up For Adoption
The meeting of uncle and nephew after so many years away was a shock for them both. Julius Caesar was pleased to see that Octavius had grown, was going bald and had the 'legs of a goddess' (the family like to claim their ancestor had once got laid by the goddess Venus on one of her 'Olympian girls night out' centuries ago. ) For Octavius - he was surprised but shocked more to see how aged and crabby his uncle now looked. And unless it was him..someone also smelt of stale urine.
Caesar now decided that the young Octavius would be a good son - so he decided to adopt the young lad and insisted he now be known as Octavian . However Caesar said he would also 'wait a few years' before going ahead with a full adoption of Octavian as his doctors and soothsayers had warned him that 'Death Would Come Knocking' if he did it right now.
Disappointed by his uncle's decision - G.Octavian as he was now called joined the legion and crossed over the river. The pompous and podgy Pompey issued some threats - then left Rome on the next charter galley ship to Greece to gather up his friends to fight against 'Baldy Bollocks Caesar'. Amongst those leaving Rome to fight against Caesar was Octavian's old school friend Agrapplar - though his brother Agrippa elected to stay and join the Caesarians .
[edit] Fun In The Sun For Some
Whilst Caesar and Mark Antony took ship to chase the Pompous Pompey - they left Octavian to look after their houses and feed the cat. Though he was 'of the blood of Caesar' , it was felt by them that Octavian was 'just a weedy kid with the boils of ambition on his skinny bottom'. Antony's wife Fulvia took every opportunity to berate 'bum fluff' as she labelled Octavian and boasted that Mark Antony was Caesar's natural successor. However Octavian had learnt to keep his temper and just wrote down death lists on lemon juice on his old school books.
News that Pompey's armies had been thoroughly thrashed at Pharsalus (he had lost the battle when his over pampered armies declined to fight 'in the midday sun in case they got burnt') was celebrated in Rome by the 'Caesarian Democrats'. The war seemed to be over and only the escape of Pompey to Egypt had spoilt the fun. Caesar sent a note back to Rome that he intended to ' capture Pompey, sort out the Egyptians and take some holiday snaps out there'. The victorious commander also reasoned that he needed a bit of tender loving care in a nice warm climate after 'freezing his arse off for Rome' in long military campaigns in Gaul and that double visit to island of mist and piss - Britannia.
[edit] What Happened In the Bath ?
Octavian spent the next two years waiting for his uncle to return from Egypt. He heard the news that Pompey was now dead - killed as a 'Golden Hello' present by the Egyptians for Caesar. However then came the news that everything had gone wrong and that his uncle was holed up with a small force in an Egyptian palace with new girlfriend Queen Cleopatra to play horsey horsey around in the bedroom.
Octavian for his part was growing very frustrated and realised that he needed to be out there as a soldier , bashing Rome's enemies (or just anyone would do) if he ever had dreams of getting on . Instead , he was told by Mark Antony to organize the 'Greek Games' in honour of the victory at Pharsalus . This simply involved a lot of naked men running and throwing things around in the Circus Maximus , performing the sacred balloon dance and a few bouts of homoerotic wrestling (not one for the ladies). Antony who was body proud , took part in all of these - daring the thin Octavian to 'let it all hang out for Rome'. Octavian declined - he was still trying grow pubic hair at this stage.
Not surprisingly - feeling humiliated - Octavian decided to leave. By this time Caesar had escaped from Egypt ('leaving Cleopatra with a Roman bun in the oven' he boasted) and moved to Spain to take on the remnants of Pompey's scarf waving supporters.
However young Octavian had a bad journey over - lost all his luggage in a shipwreck when his galley sank in a storm and only made it to the Spanish coast on a raft of dead slaves. With just a few friends - Octavian finally crossed a hostile county before finding Caesar. The conquering hero was in a very frisky mood:
Wow.. Octavian , you look adorable enough to lick . I need to wash every orifice before lunch - care to join me ?.
What happened inside Caesar's tent is now lost in the archives of ancient Roman libel firms - though Mark Antony was sure Octavian had allowed his uncle 'more than friendly cuddle in the 'sudatorium' (the moist room) '. What ever happened - when Julius Caesar and Octavian returned to Rome after beating the Pompey gang in a battle , 'Bum Fluff' was now Gnastius Octavian Julius Caesar - and his uncle's official heir. Octavian was now truly rendered for posterity.
[edit] Senatorial Stabbing Hot Spot
Octavian's joy at his new position was short lived when he realised his uncle had not only made the shifty ex-Pompey supporter Marcus Brutus Deputy Legal Heir but that Queen Cleopatra of Egypt had turned up in Rome with a son she called 'Ptolemy Caesarion' and claimed he was 'Julie's boy'. Mark Antony who had been running Rome whilst Caesar was away was also less then happy and unsure who he despised the most.
So whilst Julius got on with inventing new calendars and getting a month of the year renamed after him - Octavian realised once again Rome was probably not the best place to be. So in 45 BC he asked for a transfer out of Rome again - taking with him as usual Agrippa - to an imperial border post in Illyria. He was convinced if he stayed - he would wake up with a knife in his vitals.
Octavian was still out there when he got the dramatic news that uncle Julius was dead - stabbed and slashed in the Senate after he had made a speech extolling the virtues of him being granted the job of Dictator of Rome for Life. After a show of knives by Brutus and his fellow assassins - Caesar lost the motion and finished the debate in a pool of blood at the foot of a statue of his old rival Pompey.
[edit] Bloody Politicians
Octavian wasted little time in coming quickly over to Rome once he had learnt that Julius Caesar had left 'Little Caesar' (it wasn't clear if this meant him or Cleopatra's boy) everything bar his official wife Calpurnia and his soldier's pension. In Rome the Republicans were initially happy - their leaders stood around and shouted themselves hoarse that Julius Caesar deserved death as he was about to introduce socialism, the welfare state and banning of equipping your own private army at home. They tried to hunt down all the 'Dictatorcrats' (their name for the Caesarian Democrats) they could find but Mark Antony eventually turned the tables and drove out the pro-stabbing wing of the Republicans out of Rome and forced them to flee to Greece. The more moderate Republicans led by the great Windbag Cicero now came to the ascendant and in their turn forced out the Mark Antony and his supporters who moved towards the north of Italy to form their own army.
Octavian's position at this time was not certain to others - and he liked to give no hints about what he was thinking. Cleopatra and her son had cleared off back to Egypt whilst Marcus Brutus went on a military recruitment drive in Greece. Now Octavian claimed he was the political/legal/Villa/Spare Chariot/ owner of Caesar's estate and suggested that Rome needed a coalition government of moderate Republicans and 'sensible Caesarian Democrats' to go against both Mark Antony and Marcus Brutus. Cicero endorsed the new government with a 'hyperbollock' speech in the Senate and also suggested they appoint two consuls - Will.I.Am Hurtius and Y.Frontius Pantus - to keep an eye on Octavian as they sent an army north to take on Antony.
But as is the nature of war - Octavian's two colleagues both died in separate shaving accidents in their bathrooms just as the two armies were about to get down and murderous on a field of battle. Shouting 'Party Unity ! Party Unity !! - the two armies threw down their weapons and embraced it each other . They buried their differences and the luckless consuls and then promptly reversed marched on Rome.
[edit] There Were Three of Us in This Political Arrangement
When they heard of Octavian's double dealings - the remaining Republicans either fled to join Brutus in Greece or threw their togas over their heads in the Senate in the hope no one knew they were still there. Cicero tried to blow everyone away with his rhetoric but then also tried to 'do a runner' before Antony's men caught him and cut off his head , hands and big toes. These were couriered to the forum and dutifully nailed on the rostrum. This marked the start of a general massacre of Republicans and their supporters which extended to their families and bank accounts. The confiscated wealth was then deposited in the Bank of Jupiter and put at the disposal of the incoming government.
The new regime was soon announced - it would be known as the Second Triumvirate - in 'honour' of the political arrangement made earlier by Julius Caesar , Pompey and Crassus. The big surprise was the colleague chosen by Mark Antony and Octavian - a seedy senator by the name of Amelianus Lepidus. Lepidus's previous job had been 'Master of the Horse' - a task that seemed to involve in doing something pretty disgusting in the stables but it had meant Lepidus 'knew all the goss' as he liked to put about Rome's elite . He was also very good at shovelling horse shit as well - and was happy to spread lurid rumours about other Romans . Now everyone's fate lay in the hands of these three in the hands of these three unlikeable unlikely lads .
[edit] Retribution and Redistribution
Octavian was now the ruler of Rome - well - at least one third of it. Lepidus he quickly decided was a lightweight and probably a horse molester as well (unfortunately for Octavian - he discovered there was no law against that ). The slippery patrician was also Pontifex Maximus - supreme Pagan Bigwig sacrificial master of ceremonies etc etc - a lucrative little number that was making Lepidus very rich and pompous at the same time.
Though he still had to do deal with 'the stabbing bastards' as he called Brutus and company - Octavian knew that his main enemy was likely to be Mark Antony. However , first of all the new government needed money to spend on the loot hungry soldiers and also a chance to settle more scores. So in a very petty move - the Triumvirate decided to do some preemptive killing of real,supposed or imaginary enemies of the new government to raise immediate revenue .
However the Brutus-Cassius Republicans were still at large in Greece - and happy that the 'ass licking' moderate Republicans led by Cicero had been killed off. They were now the true representatives of Republican virtues and challenged Antony and Octavian to come over to Greece to face them 'as Romans'. However Octavian got food poisoning after eating a 'dodgy squid' in a taverna in Corinth' and left the command of his troops to Agrippa. So he instead retired to his tent and waited to hear the battle results as they came in :-
Ancient Civilization Soccer Premiere League
- Ancient Britons 1 - Celtic Gaul 0
- Caledonian Academicals 2 - Pirates of the Mediterranean 0
- Egypt 4 - Herod Judea 1
- Germanic Tribes 0 - Dacia 1
- Hibernians (South) 3 - Hibernians N.S. (No Surrender) 0
- Hispania Rebels 0 - Pompey Juniors 7
- Parthia 0 - Armenia 0
And then came the result he was waiting for...
- Rome Triumvirate Heroes 2 - Stabbing Bastard Assassins Inc 0
...And we can confirm..Brutus killed himself at half time and Cassius ran on his own sword when the referee awarded a penalty to the Triumvirs. Agrippa scored from the penalty spot...and now back to Alan in the studio to talk about that Scythian centre forward who plays for ...
'Forza Antony ...Forza Octavian..Forza Horse Botherer..' Octavian heard the shouts, cries and curses of his soldiers as they celebrated their victory . He had also hoped that somehow Mark Antony would have that convenient shaving accident which always seemed to happen when Octavian was on a battlefield.
The war seemed finally over but so was the alliance between Octavian and his two colleagues. The agreed a carve up of the Roman Empire - Octavian got Italy, Gaul, Spain , Illyria, and some other place no one could ever remember : Lepidus was given Africa (i.e. Carthage) and a season ticket at the Circus Maximus so could visit his four legged friends backstage. Antony got the rest and Queen Cleopatra's Twitter account details. But to everyone else - it was already a battle between two men and their egos - (everyone had discounted 'Lepidus the Horse Shit Shoveller' ) and simply the Roman World was like an old pair of trousers - straining at the buttons.
[edit] Falling Out , Falling In and Fooling About
The reappearance of the Pompey gang was in the shape of his son Sextus 'Sexedup Dossier ' Pompeius was certainly bad news for Octavian. His other two 'colleagues' had sodded off to their respective territories - leaving Octavian to face Sextus and his fancy fleet. They quickly blockaded Ostia and threatened Rome's daily import of Tuscany Fried Chicken, Ostrich Meat Pies and bagels from Palestine . Without the supplies to stuff Romans full of junk food to make them too slow to get out bed , now there was a good chance the mob would turn on Octavian. He was in a bad position but now it got worse.
Now Mark Antony's wife Fulvia got news that her husband was 'wenching it away with Cleopatra' in Asia Minor . Perhaps upset with this news (though hardly surprised) Fulvia took out her anger on Octavian. She teamed up with Antony's brother Lucius Antony (the less talented one in the Antony family who used to play Bass Lyre when they were in a school band together) , to start a wave of demonstrations against Octavian . They also had the with the support of senators eager to stick a boot into the unpopular government and to oil their way into Antony's good books.
Fulvia now got into the swing of this rebellion business which was doing as a way to show how much she loved her 'Tony Woney '. She strapped on one of her husband's spare swords and threatened to 'burst Octavian's pimples'. Fulvia then fulminated about 'sticking her brooch up the brat's bum' and led her army to take on Octavian.
But luck was smiling once again for Octavian . Fulvia suddenly died whilst in her bath - apparently practising how long she could keep her head underwater without breathing. The rebellion collapsed and Lucius Antony surrendered with a promise he could go to Spain and spend his retirement guzzling sherry all day long and playing golf. With Fulvia dead - Mark Antony was a free man to marry in the name of politics once again - and this time Octavian could come up with a bride - his own elder sister Octavia.
Mark Antony was unwilling to leave his 'little strumpet' in Alexandria (he had just organised a contract killing of Cleopatra's only surviving sibling - her sister Arsinoe to cut down on the Egyptian Queen's birthday card list) but Antony's allies in Rome told him that he was losing his support base there. So the old bruiser came to Rome and grumpily agreed to marry Octavia - a dull woman who liked to dress like a pair of curtains and knew no dirty jokes.
Octavian also decided he needed a wife and married a woman called Scribonia 'Scribbles' - a friend of Sextus Pompieus and so a political marriage to gain the alliance of surviving members of Pompey's supporters. So to make it a happy event - even Lepidus and Sextus Pompeius got an invite to the double wedding party which was celebrated in Naples harbour on a flotilla of galleys lashed together. Everyone toasted each other long life and happiness with some holding their liquor and others their stomachs as they emptied those over the side.
[edit] Tony and Cleo
Like all weddings done for political reasons - Octavian's marriage to Scribonia was soon heading south . Even the birth of their daughter Julia didn't help much and Octavian got bored with his rather shallow partner and her atrocious parents. Shame he hadn't included them on an earlier proscription list !
Octavian's marital misery changed when he decided that instead of a looking for a new wife - he would take someone elses. Her name was Livia Claudius and she was married to the flabby faced Claudius Nero - a political lightweight who had flipped and flopped between the Democrats and Republicans since the days of Pompey. She already had one son - a gloomy miserable brat called Tiberius (later Emperor Tiberius) who liked to pull off the legs of insects and Drusus who was still a baby. Octavian eventually came to a 'a gentleman's agreement' with the elder Tiberius Claudius and he agreed to divorce Livia and leave the family for an around the world golf tour. Scribonia and Julia were likewise removed and Octavian married Livia in 37 BC.
By then the agreements between the Triumvirs and Sextus Pompey was rapidly fraying at the edges. Sextus got up to his old tricks of blockading Ostia so Octavian got Lepidus and Mark Antony lend his some ships to chase the Sextus off the seas. It was a successful campaign - Sextus fled to Mark Antony (who pretended to be his friend but then tripped him on a mountain walking holiday in Greece) . Lepidus then tried to muscle in but was defeated and banished to a stable where he was imprisoned with a two horses and a donkey . This was an elaborate joke by Octavian to represent Lepidus's former status in the Triumvirate. Surprisingly the old nag lover lived on another 30 years - a longevity Lepidus put down to drinking horse urine every day.
Whilst this was going on - Mark Antony had crept out of the little palace in Greece where he lived with Octavia and their two daughters and made his way to Alexandria to return to his old girlfriend. Cleopatra had been busy over the last couple years - sending messengers every day to her lover and asking him to return for some more hot action on the Nile.
News that his sister had been left holding the babies made Octavian very angry - and he also realised - a great opportunity to get a big one over on Mark Antony. His spin doctors went around the forums and temples whispering that Mark Antony was going 'all oriental' and was planning to carve up the Roman republic's lands in the east in favour of his own children by Cleopatra. To help the cause of rubbishing Mark Antony - Octavian got hold of his rival's holiday photos showing Antony shooting pornographic home videos with Cleopatra on a Nile 'love barge' and mooning at passing tourists.
[edit] Kicking Egypt Up the Asp
In 31 BC Octavian and Agrippa quickly got their soldiers and fleet ready and planned a campaign to take on Mark Antony and finish him for good. For some reason Antony decided that he was going to 'beat the brat' at sea and ordered a huge fleet of ships to sail to Rome. However as his main army was heading towards Greece to hitch a lift - Antony's fleet had to go via Greece . They got there in August 31 BC but stayed there longer than planned as Cleopatra wanted to do some shopping in Athens (she was looking for a nice Grecian dress for her to wear when she and Antony rode into Rome). Unhappy about being dragged around for his opinion on her choice of dresses , Antony slunk off to a sun lounger to drink wine , read the papers and tell dirty jokes to his cronies.
Whilst Antony was dallying - Octavian's navy arrived outside Piraeus harbour and issued a challenge to Antony to come out and fight like a Roman. Rushing to battle without telling Cleopatra - Antony and his fleet tried to break out. However when Cleopatra came back from shopping with her bags of clothes, jewels and trinkets to find that Antony was out to sea, she huffily ordered her barge to be equipped with the strongest slaves and rowed out and away from the battle. Seeing his girlfriend go - Antony forgot about everything and chased after her in his own fast ship all the way back to Alexandria. His troops promptly stopped the battle and surrendered.
Octavian's victorious army now wasted no time to head off to Egypt themselves and arrived a few months later. Antony's hope that his army there would support him vanished when they defected en masse . The old warrior decided that was it and tried to kill himself but instead cut off his legs instead. Cleopatra promised to join him 'in a death pact' but thought her charms could still seduce Octavian. However Octavian's wife Livia turned up to keep an eye on her husband 'and that Egyptian floozy'. Cleopatra realised she was beat - and ordered a poisonous snake through 'Asp-Bay' to finish her off.
[edit] And Then There Was Just The Special One
The double deaths of Antony and Cleopatra just left Octavian's half brother Caesarion to deal with. He sent out his special team of 'bathroom fixers' who found the unfortunate prince and 'water boarded' him to confess that his father was really a carpet store salesman in Alexandria who gained Cleopatra's sexual favours in exchange for some quality Egyptian shagpile rug . Then the young lad was drowned in his shower.
Once news reached Rome of Octavian's victories - the city authorities ordered a 'Triumph of All Triumphs' to celebrate . In the midst of the party - Octavian said he was willing to retire to his villa and 'grow sausages ' but the Senators implored he stay on to make sure the Republic didn't collapse into another war. Octavian agreed but said he wanted to mark the new era with a different name. The senators then gave him a list of suggestions and after considering the merits of 'Trevor' or 'Billy-Bob' , Octavian picked 'Augustus' as it sounded very posh and grand. He could have chosen October (the old Octopussy connection) but Livia objected .
The senate approved of the name change and in case any Republicans were going to object ,agreed to park a number spare legions around Rome to 'concentrate minds'. He was Octavian/Octopussy Junior or 'Bum Fluff' no longer. Augustus was now officially Roman Citizen Number Uno, leader of the Unfree Roman World and the Biggest Swinging Dickus in history.
[edit] Augustus
[edit] Purple Praise
Augustus liked his new job as the top dog of Rome but wanted a 'grander' title to encompass all his powers. So in 27BC he asked the Senate to give him another job title besides the ones already granted. They came up with Prince and said that Augustus would have to wear the Colour Purple from now on - even in bed. Augustus liked this but also wanted a something a bit meatier - and chose the additional title Emperor - in honour of his father's famous pet shop - the Emporium. Some thought it would be unwise to remind Augustus of his relatively humble origins but their supreme leader liked the title and ordered some new purple coloured headed paper so he could use every time a proclamation was issued. So now Augustus's full titles were Emperor Augustus Julius Caesar. Prince of the Roman Republic When Doves Cry , Conqueror of Traitors, Stabbers, Barbarians, Oriental Seducers.. Etc Etc. Nice guy - though Augustus had to wait until Lepidus died to add Pontifex Maximus (i.e. the Pagan Pope) to his C.V.
Though the Roman World was now generally at peace besides a few 'chariot rage' incidents , not everyone had reconciled themselves to 'Bum Fluff Octipants' . Augustus had to order a few discrete and ingenious washroom accidents to keep the discontent to a minimum but it was a warning that the emperor couldn't take his status for granted.
[edit] Age of Bores and Buildings
The new regime in Rome soon writers and poets others eager to get on the right side of Augustus. Wishing to get a nice little (or big) bucket of imperial gold, Horace , Livy and Lucius 'Roughhouse' Rufus all made their way to the Palatine hill where the palace was located . However the winner was Virgil who made his name writing the Burpolics about the pleasures of belching and was he who got the nod to trot off to the main imperial dinner room where Augustus was waiting for the tumblers to finish.
Augustus happened to like Virgil and asked him to come back with his brothers Scottus, Gordianus, Johannes..and Alan to perform the tragic drama 'Thunderbirds: The Rescue of Lady Penelope From Skull Island' for his birthday. Pleased with this show - Augustus requested Virgil perform more 'funny' shows and got the Aeneid instead . This dreary epic about how Aeneas and his Trojans escaped from Troy , how they survived a sad singing contest with Dido in an edition of Ancient World Song Contest in Carthage and finally got to Italy to create a new civilization just goes on and on. It led to The Aeneid receiving the unofficial descripton as the 'Bum Numb Recitation' but Augustus loved it and liked to hear it at least once a year on his birthday.He said it was 'culture' - and as he was emperor - Rome liked it as well so that was that. Augustus was discovering an important benefit of becoming a supreme leader : only his views and opinions counted.
Besides books and poets - Augustus wanted Rome to move with the times. His stay in Alexandria had impressed him and on returning to his home city he was struck how that Rome was as about as charming as a 'brick shit house'. So he ordered the architect Vitruvious to draw up plans to knock 'the slum down' and rebuild it in nice shiny marble. Amongst the new buildings contructed were the Forum of Augustus - a 24 hour shopping mall for the rich and greedy - and the Pantheon , a large round structure with a hole at the top like a doughnut. Augustus also ordered a general cleap up and had all beggars shipped off to work in the Sardinian salt mines.
[edit] Keep This in the Family : Part One
Like all family men , Augustus liked to project himself as the 'all seeing, all knowing father'. However what he wasn't about was what would happen to Augustus's powers when he died . Then the fate of all the Julio-Claudians would be very short and bloody.
Augustus did have one daughter Julia by his former wife Scribonia whilst Livia had two sons Tiberius and Drusus by her former husband Claudius Nero. However despite trying every quack concoction they could find, or praying at the right temples Livia remained childless. Augustus eventually reasoned the Gods were not going to give them any so turned to his sister Octavia or The Baby Collector as she was also now known.
Ever since Antony had walked out on her , Octavia had got into the child adoption business. She already had two daughters by Antony , three kids from her first marriage and now took in the three brats of Antony and Cleopatra and even Antony's surviving son Iullus Antony by his wife Fulvia. As Livia also tended to leave her sons Tiberius and Drusus there too , Octavia was now Mistress of the Imperial Brood. She suggested Julia should marry her son Marcellus and so it was agreed and the pair became the named heirs of Augustus if he was to die.
However this arrangement angered Augustus's old war chum Agrippa who thought that after all that killing and mangling for his boss - he deserved better than some dull posting in the East. He was also a big enemy of Marcellus so when he returned to Rome - the locals were puzzled to read that Augustus's heir had died of starvation after getting his foot stuck in a bidet.
Fearing that Agrippa was turning very nasty - Augustus suggested he marry the now widowed Julia. Agrippa agreed and said that it would be a great comfort in 'his old age' (he was the same age as Augustus) and that there was no chance of him having children as he was suffering from an old groin injury. However the Gods must have been laughing - the old warrior and Julia promptly then had six strapping children before Agrippa died of exhaustion in 12 BC.
[edit] Planting The Eagle Everywhere
The end of the Roman civil wars left Augustus with a lot of surplus legions around. He was aware of the Roman proverb : Idle Soldiers Are Busy Plotters' so sent them out to the frontiers to work off a bit of steam in pointless killing. It certainly wore down a few but Augustus was happy to see the advance of Rome's borders - and booty all the same. During this period the legion was truly planted over the whole of Hispania and uptowards the Rhine and Danube. Augustus showed no interest in going to Britannia which he would bring no material advantage to the empire unless they wanted everyone to start drinking tea and eating sandwiches in the afternoon . So he left them alone and made a push towards the East with the removal of various petty and perverted local rulers ('Pederasts to a man' was Augustus's judgement of the client kings.)
The only local ruler Augustus left in charge was Herod the Great in Judea. The Jews seemed to Augustus to be people who got easily upset at any perceived insult and would curse you to the heavens with the power of Yahweh. However as Augustus liked to point out - if the Jews god was so powerful - why was he letting the Romans walk all over them. They would then talk about 'sin' and 'shellfish' - stuff that Augustus had no time for and was therefore glad that Herod knew what to do with the place.
[edit] Sextilis Sucks As Julia Blows
Curiously as he got older and older - Augustus became very prudish as an emperor. He banned men and women bathing together in the imperial jacuzzi , forced them to sit separately at gladitorial contests and forbade single women from cutting their hair if they were still virgins. These little petty changes were compounded when Augustus then took exception to some popular almanacs predicting what was going to happen in the future. So he ordered all horoscopes, crystal balls, tarot cards and any other instrument of fortune telling to be piled high in the Forum and be burnt to cinders.
Then Augustus turned his attention to the calendar and decided to muck around with the names of the months and how many days they should have. His 'divine' father Julius Caesar already had a month renamed after him - and the next one after that Sextilis was well...too easy a name to provide future humourists with silly jokes about 'having sex in Sextilis'. So Augustus came up with a solution - change Sextilis to his name. The Roman Senate inititially misunderstood the instructions and pronounced that July would be followed by 'Squiggle ' (i.e. 'Prince') - before this was hastily changed to 'August' by imperial degree. Also as a punishment to February for looking smug on 30 days - Augustus snatched two days from them and added to his month instead. Augustus could be very petty at times.
Whilst Augustus was making changes to the calendar - his now twice widowed daughter Julia was turning the imperial palace into a high class knocking shop. Giving herself up to 'pleasure' after marrying for politics - Julia liked to party with Iullus Antony. A bit like his old father - Iullus was said to have the stamina of a stallion in bed - and possessed the sexual equipment to match. Julia however said she couldn't commit to just one man - and instead had plenty of willing lovers come round to see if they could match Iullus. Eventually Augustus found out and banished his daughter and her lovers to various remote islands or isolated settlements . Iullus was told to fall on his sword but was eventually strangled with his own member by a personal slave.
[edit] Keep It In The Family : Part Two
Julia's disgrace and exile left Augustus to bring up her two sons Gaius and Lucius as his own sons. However they too both died young - this time in strange accidents in the kitchen. Empress Livia denied she had anything to do with it but others noticed that she and her eldest son Tiberius were very skilful when it came to rustling up a Caesar Salad with Extra Garnish .
Deprived of two of his grandsons - Augustus then made the gloomy Tiberius one of his imperial co-heirs along with Postumus Agrippa (younger son of Agrippa). Tiberius had been living away from Rome in Rhodes where he was working as lifeguard and night time beach entertainer when he got the news. With the help of his mother Livia - they removed Postumus from the scene by adding caffeine to his cornflakes which led him to an attempt rape a centurion in front of Augustus. Fearing that Postumus had Mad Emperor's Heir Disease (a possible premonition of Caligula?) - he had his grandson sent to another island for 'Centurion Addiction'.
[edit] This Is Where The Christians Come In
Augustus always liked to know if 'the gods have been active' and always made the right amount of offerings to them to to make sure they wouldn't get all silly and start sending fire/floods/earthquakes etc etc to show who was the real boss.
It was whilst he was looking for Signs of Divine Intervention - that he caught site of a report sent from Judea about some strange reported sightings in Bethlehem. Distrusting Herod of Judea who was anyway , dying and killing of his family at the same time, Augustus asked his spy network to send news about what was happening. He received this from a well connected informant :
Bethlehem Police Station. Incident Log for 24th December (Roman Reckoning) or (Jewish Reckoning) 24th September (15 Tishru). Minus 4 B.C (Who's B.C. ??).
- 18.00. Bethlehem hotels managers report all rooms are fully booked for the Festival of The Tabernacles. Only a few caves on the outskirts report they have a few spare mangers [Note in the margin. Managers or Mangers ?]
- 19.00. A bright object is reported over Bethlehem. Seems to be standing still over a cave. Send Centurion Oscar.B.Tango out to investigate.
- 20.00. Sheep reported to have entered main square. No sign of shepherds.
- 21.00. Men of the Jewish persuasion seen dancing in a circle in the street. Understand it is religious but send out snatch squads, dogs and riot police just to make sure.
- 22.00. Report from Sunny Side Cave reports that there is a 'big rave' going on in a cave down the road. Complain about 'voices' in the skies and lots of what appear to be little men flying around with wings on their backs.
- 23.00. Officer Oscar.B.Tango returns to the station and says that there is a party going on at the Cave in question but doesn't see any particular funny stuff going on. Lot of people standing around in a stable talking to animals and a woman in a bed of straw about to give birth to a baby.
- 23.30. Three strange men are arrested on the outskirts of town. They are dressed up for a fancy dress party and are carrying three suspect devices. Brought in for some questioning.
- 24.00. A sudden noise is heard from the vicinity of Cave party. Officer Juliet Zulu says it is the opening bars of 'Let's Get The Party Started' by Pink. Decide this is harmless and of no consequence.
After he had read the report - Augustus decided to take no action and soon lost interest in what was happening in Judea . He decided that what was really important now was to 'put one over' on the German tribes living on the other side of the Rhine.
[edit] Varus ! Herman Vorsprung Durch Technik !!
Roman General Publius Quinctilius Varus - or 'Barfly Varus' as he was also known - approached Augustus with a sure fire scheme to increase the Roman Empire at the cost of a few spare Roman soldiers. Parthia was too risky and no one fancied going back to Britannia either. How about Germany ? As Varus was well connected and had married into the imperial dynasty , Augustus studied the planned invasion and gave an evasive yes to the invasion.
Varus had already served Rome well - he had a knack of crucifying the right malcontents and had just dealt with some Jewish rebels after the death of Herod the Great. However he was after greater glory and came up with a plan to annex the lands between the Rhine and the Elbe and turn into a province of the Empire. Varus said that Julius Caesar could trounce the Gauls - the Germans would be easy to beat as no one else liked them. And he also had a good German friend called 'Herman The German' (or Arminius as the Romans hated names starting with 'H') who said it would be a 'walk in the park' to crush his fellow countrymen. He told Varus that 'three crack legions' would get them running.
Augustus was at first unsure about Varus's mission but everyone else said that the Germans were a 'beery. hairy rabble' who would run away from the first taste of Roman steel. Varus got his way and equipped three legions (the XVII, XVIII and XIX) to cross over the Rhine for what was officially billed as a 'Civilization Expansion Mission' .
At first the invasion went well. Flaxen haired men and women threw flowers and phone numbers at the Roman soldiers but the mood got ugly when some legionaries took advantage of the welcome and started a side business in slave trading. In revenge - Herman the German lent the Roman armies some faulty sat-nav equipment which led Varus and his army to disappear into a forest and never come out alive again. Soon reports came back that the Romans had been slaughtered to a man by the Germans with their more efficient chariots . In shame and afraid to come back as a loser to Rome - Varus killed himself.
When he heard the news - Augustus lost his marbles. He rent his clothes, refused to bathe for six months and grew a beard so long that it tripped him up. Empress Livia told Augustus 'to get a grip !' and dispatched her son Tiberius to the Rhine frontier to restore order - and enhance his postion as Imperial heir.
[edit] Keep What in the Family ? : Part Three
By 12 A.D. Augustus was growing weary and dreaming of retiring to a nice little villa overlooking the sea and spending his days riding around for free on a pensioner's bus pass. He would even grow 'sausages' in the garden (Augustus was a bit dim when it came to horticulture'). However Livia refused to take his idea of retirement - she was feeling still young and powerful and had no plans to end her days making jam just yet.
Though by now the betting was on Tiberius as next emperor - Livia made sure Postumus Agrippa never came back from his Rage Clinic and sent orders he be 'snuffed out' when the right text message was sent. However she knew Tiberius wasn't exactly 'public friendly' and told him to go on a 'charm offensive' with the Roman Senators to make sure they made him next emperor. This turned into a disaster as Tiberius' attempts to smile and pretend he was 'just normal' instead made people see the kid who once liked to chew the heads off butterflies . They were more impressed with his nephew Germanicus - son of his Tiberius's late brother Drusus and some urged him to run against his uncle if the imperial job came up soon. But Germanicus refused - and instead went to Germany to live up to his name and kill more defenceless German women and children.
[edit] Death and the Augustan Legacy
Augustus was now really feeling his age and alarmed his court when he was seen apparently conversing with invisible people. He was even seen engaging in a long conversation with a statue of Mark Antony. Livia decided that her hubby was a few steps away from permanent incoherence so sent him to a beach resort whilst she ran the Roman Empire in his name. There he died suddenly - eating a salad whilst shaving in the bathroom. There was something oddly poetic about his ending.
The former Emperor's body was returned to Rome and given a right imperial send off. Now officially a god - Augustus's ashes were placed in the family tomb and an orgy of animal sacrifices wafted his spirit to join Julius Caesar, Mark Antony and other famous Romans in a Latino Heaven.
The contemporary Roman historian/gossip writer of the time Ovid sums it up best : -
It was only after Augustus died that even his enemies began to appreciate him. They liked having the month of August for a start and welcomed the emperor's success in ending the civil wars . It was also considered a minor cosmetic detail by Romans that the official name of their territories was now 'Empire' rather than 'Republic' but Romans still had a Senate, Consuls, Tribunes and all that other stuff they cherished. The only difference now was the top job had to be held by Augustus and anyone he designated as a successor. At least Rome wasn't one of old Hellenistic monarchies like Syria or Egypt where any idiot could be put on the throne as long as he was in the same family....
[edit] Notes
- Augustus wrote an autobiography ' From Sextilis to August:How I Renamed A Month of the Year and Changed Rome Around A Bit'. It is probably this very dull title that ensured the book was lost when Barbarians refused to return the only copy of this work in 624 A.D.
- Another version of how Octavius Senior got his name 'Octopussy' is given by Ovid in his 'Twelve Best Brothels in The Roman Empire'. It has nothing to do with keeping cephalods.
- The temple where Octavius senior and Atia met was discovered in the 19th century during the construction of a new sewer. Artifacts uncovered included messages on lead what said 'Goldfish Special Offer' and 'Buy One And Eat One Free' - possibly attached to a tank where Elvis the Octopuss lived.
- Julius Caesar apparently wrote all the cheques for the wedding under the name of Jack Kaiser. They all bounced.
- Agrippa and Agrappla also had a younger brother called Headtwister who died young. Agrappla fell out with his brother on their political preferences. Agrippa became a Caesarian Democrat whilst Agrappla stuck with the Republicans.
| Preceded by: Julius Caesar | Roman Emperor 27BC-14AD | Succeeded by: Tiberius |
[edit] See Also
| Roman Emperors | |
| Julius Caesar - Augustus - Tiberius - Caligula - Claudius - Nero - Galba - Otho - Vitellius - Vespasian - Titus - Domitian - Nerva - Trajan - Hadrian - Antoninus Pius - Marcus Aurelius - Commodus - Pertinax - Didius Julianus - Septimius Severus - Caracalla - Macrinus - Elagabalus - Severus Alexander - Maximinus Thrax - Gordian ... - Constantine - Constantius II - Julian the Apostate - Jovian - ... - Constantine V | ||
