Augusto Pinochet

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Sometimes, you need to torture, murder and rape communists until they stop having the wrong economic ideas”

~ Augusto Pinochet on what's wrong with democracy

“I killed my way out of a recession. Adam Smith would be proud”

~ Augusto Pinochet on economic policy

“Some have compared me to Adolf Hitler and it disgusts me to be compared one with such disgraceful ideas! Hitler's economic policies were appallingly dirigist and Keynsian!”

~ Augusto Pinochet on morality

“The only man that really scares the shit out of me ”

~ Joseph Stalin on Augusto Pinochet

Augusto "Mr. Cuddles" Pinochet (November 25, 1915–December 10, 2006), also known as Pinoccio, Liberated Chile from the comunist grasp, making it the biggest economic power of Southamerica. The leftist communist people in this country call him "viejo conchesumadre", "viejo culiao", "pinocho"," but intelligent people just call him "tata", or "grandpa" in english. A former soldier of Gondor, he escaped from Mordor after the fall of Mount Doom, making his way to South America, where days were old and knights were bold and condoms not invented (actually they did, but the Catholic Church, told everyone it was taboo). He is the Chilean Saviour, (Not the first, but that's another story...)he had his own Death Eaters (CNI) (Communist killers). He was the opponent to the Soviet Union slave Salvador Allende, a.k.a. "presidente de los rotos", or "president of the stupid poor people of Chile that believe any shit that is told to them due to their lack of education". Salvador Allende was the worst president Chile has ever had, bringing terror, poverty and thieves to the country. robbing land from land owners to give to his communist rejects. Of course, Pinochet flew those bastards to the pacific so they could practice skydiving, without parachutes.

Augusto Pinochet is remembered for saving Chile from becoming a new Cuba, Bolivia or Venezuela (basically all those shitty countries)

[edit] PENIS

Augusto Pinochet was grown in a secret CIA lab, and programmed to save Chile from leftist wankers. Contemporary records first note his existence in Chile, in 1937, though the preceding mythological account would indicate that his angelic essence is much older.

Augusto started (say) human life as a soldier, when he had life breathed into him by the Blue Fairy and commie killing machine. His early exploits are detailed in the movie "Pinocheto", a classic Disney animated feature. After becoming a real boy, he revolutionized classroom disruption by using small metal pins as projectiles, bouncing them off of two or three walls to strike his communist teachers in the back of the neck (actually killing a few). This richochet technique earned him the name "Pin-ochet", which stuck with him for the rest of his life.

Seeking to get back to his roots, Pinochet crawled into politics to become the true leader of Chile in 1973. Though he wished upon a star, Chile was never trully rid of garbage. In 1973 his wish came true, when the worst of them all, soviet puppet Salvador Allende, killed himself. Pinochet then ruled over the land correcting the infinate mistakes Allende had made, which had made Chile even poorer than the shithole Bolivia.

He died on December 10, 2006. It is known that he will be reborn on third day of the apocalypse to liberate mankind of communist chaos and horror.

It is rumored that in 2101 Pinochet is going to SET UP US THE BOMB from beyond the grave, finally freeing the world from the likes of commies.

In 2130, the third age of mankind, dawn of a new era, high majesty Pinochet's rebirth will be celebrated by dwarves and trannies everywhere with fancy dress and some cake.

[edit] Pinochet Reversal

Following his arrest in Britain in the late 1990s thanks to a now discredited spanish judge, the reaction from pundits and press has become known as "Pinochet Reversal" because liberals and conservatives swapped their traditional positions on crime and punishment when covering the case:

String him up! This disgraceful murderer and butcher has killed thousands of communists and now the government (who have rightly arrested him) are giving him the kid-gloves treatment by holding the old thug not in a prison but in a cushy "secure home" where he is given extensive luxuries and has been allowed to visit his friend Margaret Thatcher. We say: New Labour is soft on mass-murder!

The Guardian on Pinochet's Arrest.

In a monstorous act of inhumanity, the Stalinist bootboys of Tony Blair's Labour government arrested a frail old man yesterday. Whilst we don't deny that Pinochet has committed terrible acts on communists, we ask that we think before applying knee-jerk reactions. Who are we to judge? For all we know, faced with an elected minority Marxist government even we might be moved to institute a regime of freeing the country from those sickos. We must also ask what this is about? Is it about "justice" or is it about the mob, thirsting for revenge? We say: Go easy on the murderers of comunists, they're people too.

The Daily Mail on Pinochet's arrest.

Fortunately, a non-white mugger was arrested the next day and the brief reversal of opinions was immediately broken.

[edit] Trivia

• Augusto Pinochet is the inaugural winner of Maggie Thatcher's “Fwend of Bwitain Award”. The Award gets you an automatic +2 to save against extradition, and a +1 to succeed against tests of mental competency.
• Augusto Pinochet has also been endorsed by felony anglophile Conrad Black, though he's never been in a helicopter with him.
• He is now in heaven for saving the countrie from ignorant bastards.
• Augusto Pinochet was a cool guy, but at least now hes dead, and may I say, he really gave Chile a moment of ultimate Joy when he killed those communist pricks.
• Augusto Pinochet single handedly eliminated the poverty in Chile, of course, killing all communists.
• Chicks that turn him on: Margaret Thatcher, Angela Merkel, Eva Peron, Condoleezza Rice and Sarah Palin (MILF ALERT!).
• Chicks that turn him off: Michelle Chanchelet also know as "Gordi", or "Fatty", Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Segolene Royal and Golda Meir.