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The Arder of Auchter (Uachdar Gleann Eaglais in gaelic) is a small town in central Scotland (with UK area postcode of G8) half way between Perth and Stirling, but a bit closer to Perth which is slightly more up market. For those even more well off than people in Perth, they choose to live in Auchterarder where driving a 4x4 is slightly more socially acceptable than in the city. Poverty stricken families have been known to have been evicted from the town, the most famous case being when Bob Geldof invaded the town during the Make Coldplay History campaign. It is also known as The Lang Toon to celebrate it's twinning with the town of Kirkcaldy in Fife. By far the best thing to do in Auchterarder is to go to Stirling.
The town is the ancient seat of the Mailer's Clan which grew to it's present size of c.17,500 after Robert Wiseman moved in and attempted to set up a dairy, although the majority of cows were massacred by retreating Jacobites in the early 20th Century. It was these Jacobites that were also responsible for the burning down of the town after General Craig Rossie was unimpressed to find a Chip Shop disguised as a Chicken Bar on the town's High Street. It used to be so big before the burning that it stretched as far south as Blackford and as far north as Mutt Hill, another reason it is referred to as the Lang Toon.
Nowadays the majority of residents now live in a large hotel called Ben Eagles to con tourists into thinking that Golden Eagles are found around the area. This was the case until the opening of the RAF Strathallan which resulted the birds of prey being killed by overhead aircraft and trainee paratroopers. Someone once said that it's actually from the gaelic Eaglais which means kirk (a church to English people, of which there are a couple of here) but the local falconry centre have branded this as ridiculous and a viscous, scandalous attack on the area.
More recently, Auchterarder has been in the news after riots emerged after the G8 marches in the town. These occurred after a local Mailer claimed that the wealthy residents of Muirton were going to Tescos in Perth to do the shopping instead of giving the needed money to the local economy.
edit The Town
Auchterarder is a shoppers paradise and has the most antique shops in one place within the UK. Nothing younger than 1900's is permitted into the town and even the petrol station still has an attendant. Any car with a registration plate younger than a 'C' will be towed by Perth & Kinross Council or sent for scrapping in the middle of the A9.
Noteworthy shop that you may wish to visit: the fruit and vegetable shop that never closes. this is extremely useful if you ave a brussel sprout emergency at 10pm on a Friday night. The proprietor of this small establishment will stock any manner of abscure fruit or vegetable for you. A favourite amongst Auchterarder residents are the purple carrots and black potaotes that turn to a grey sludge when you cook them; just the thing to go with the local butchers black puddding which also turns to grey sludge when you cook it. It is said she collaborates with a well known local chef to think up ingredients for recipes that you cannot possibly get anywhere else for example the tasty "puffin-poop encrusted nettle soup" often made on August 5th.
Once you've stocked up on various vegetables, you may like to stop along the road at a particularly fashionable shop. Women of a certain age are known to migrate from great distances to visit this shop; especially on the occassion of a family wedding. Once there they are wooed by the array of jaunty, some say garish colours and sequins on display, at an inflated price. The proprietor here is the very lovely, if faded beauty, of a once famous and Z list celebrity Stirling wrestler; who is well known in the town for his use of profanity and his ownership of a long dead bear. They acquired the bear after hearing that fur was in fashion for the Fall/Winter of '78. The three of them lived in a pub up Sherrif Muir until the bear sadly passed away at a very young age. However, it is a well known secret in the town, that the bear was actually rescued from its life with its adopted parents; after it phoned Ester Ranzen on "Childline" stating its adoptive mother wanted it to have botox and a possible facelift in the near future. The Bear is said to living happily in the "Sma" Glen away from the high expectations of the fashion world. He did come out of seclusion recently under heavy disguise for an episode of "Bear Grylls" and was seen chasing a butt naked grylls through a wooden glen in the highlands. He heavily criticized grylls, saying through a spokeman that "gratuitious nudity just wasn't funny or necessary." He also complained bitterly that the grubs, raw meat and sheep shite were meant for him and grylls ate the bloody lot; he had to make do with Doritoes and Curly Wurly's from the local Spar shop.
Other notable shops include two children's wear boutiques, that stock mini "Chanel" for that discerning two year old. Only enter these premises at your own risk and with the deeds for your two bedroomed maisoinette as this is how much a small outfit will cost, include the price of you BMW if looking for a pair of shoes to match! Watch for the sales as at this time you will be rubbing shoulders with the "council folks" and their many snotty nosed offspring looking to bag a bargain. Bag a bargain or sales week in Auchterarder usually means to shove stuff in your bag for life and try to sneak past the sales attendant without paying.
One shop worthy of a visit is the Red Cross Shop run by two delightful young ladies. They stock everything from Jimmy Choos to mis-matched knitting needles rendering all visits to the other local shops superfluous. Its fame for a bargain has spread beyond Central Scotland and with every purchase you get a bag for life and cheery banter form the elderly volunteers. It is worth a visit even if the thought of passing your afternoon knee deep in 'Boden' cadigans brings you into a cold sweat. As all the old "stuff" and antiques attracts an elderly following all the volunteers and staff have been thoughtfully trained in CPR and first aid, never a day passes without one of decrepit customers collapsing to the floor.this is also useful as you can never get through to the surgery owing to the strict guidlines the receptionist follow on allocating an appointment. Be warned though, if just feeling peaky, do not fall to the already crowded floor as you could find yourself at the nasty end of a 80 year old volunteer sucking face!
One shop that possibly isn't feeling the pinch due to competition from the Red Cross/high street charity shop invasion is our very own knickers and bras shop. The red cross do NOT sell pants. They get them in as donations but they do not pass go!(from a reliable source*) The ladies of Auchterarder sport some of thee most magnificent cleavages to date. A worthwhile visit if you yourself or a particular lady friend requires undergarments. They even keep a database of items previously bought; so you no longer have to keep track of your mistress's requirements or if you already have that style of gimp mask. Now how's that for service?
Other places of interest: Another "exclusive" place is the local doctors surgery worth a visit to admire its shiney interior vestibule. You won't get in or passed reception as no-one can get passed these self taught ninja receptionists and their strict scrutiny of your 'alledged' ailment- no one has seen inside the surgery for years! They all follow the well known NHS protocol of 'healthy until proven sick.' Auchterarder has been passed as the healthiest place to live in Britian in a recent deed poll, as no one is ill enough to be seen by a doctor! In a recent flu epidemic doctors were asked to see at least four residents of Auchterarder. The Gp's have now all flown to Bermuda for a wee holiday to recover. One Gp was heard to say "golly, I thought we were gonna hit double figures there for a moment!"
On a positive note, Auchterarder, does have three homes for the elderly and really sick, almost dead people. One of them being owned by a local millionaire, better known for crying on TV on the upmarket programme "Secret Millionaire." He went onto the show not realizing he had to give the money away.....those tears were real! He is often seen flying around Abby Road in his helicopter looking for a place to land. Residents of Auchterarder with wi-fi access tend to alert each other via facebook that he is on the move. It is well known but little discussed fact; that he carries a dart gun loaded with heavy duty horse tranquilizers to shoot elderly people. Grannie Mailer was seen walking on the high street one minute, then, before you could say "lang toon massive" in a room looking very sad for herself. Although this method has been good at keeping some lesser tolerated residents off the street; such as the little-tolerated mother and daughter shop lifting tag-team and really smelly raincoat man. It does raise some cause for concern when the 'pikeys' fae' Perth rush outdoors to get a free shot of horse tranquiliser. The Chemist,the real one, not the mickey mouse one run by the guy from Crieff. Is especially worried as it has a back log of methadone needing drunk before it expires or the counter assistants drink it through sheer boredom from plummenting sales. One sales assistant who wished to remain anonymous said "just the other day were so bored we mixed up the antidepressants with the NHS viagra tablets and see what happens...you'll be sad but have massive h***on!"
- The towns main course, Auchterarder Golf Club, also has three courses the slightly less classy Joker's Courses (aka ); King's Course, Queen's Course
- Ben Eagles plays host to the Burger King Woman's World Championship every year.
- World Snooker Champion Stephen Hendry lives here and invented the game in the Star Hotel in 1964 after coming to the conclusion that American Pool was shite.
- The local football teams are St Johnstone, Stirling Albion and Dunfermline. Hence the reason everyone is either depressed or supports the Old Firm.
- Most inhabitants are prone to claiming their own lives due to a lack of intelligble existence for these teams.
- It is a common item of trivia that all players that currently play for the teams are either immortalised as zombies or died at least 200 years ago. This also explains the quality of skill within the teams.
edit Deathwish Derby
- The place offers a fine junction to the west of the town where you can play Russian Roulette with your car on the A9, the worlds longest road.
- Due to the combination of violent residents and a singular long street, Auchterarder is uniquely suited for re-enacting side scrolling beat 'em up videogames like Double Dragon, Final Fight and Streets of Rage (which was released in Auchterarder as "Mellow Street"). If a combatant manages to walk from The Niblick to the town outskirts without having all his teeth knocked out, he is given a king rib supper and a letter of commendation from The Queen.
edit Noteworthy Residents
'The Lollipop Woman' (a.k.a Granny G) Has been successful in gaining a fearsome reputation in her relatively short rein as the towns resident crossing attendant. She is often confused with the incredibly polite and courteous Grandmother Greer, who works as a till attendant in the local supermarket, the lollipop woman is in actual fact her evil twin. As the story goes, they were separated at birth as the twins parents had tragically ran out of room in there home, with the pair bringing the total of offspring up to an eyebrow-raising 62, they had no choice but to donate the weaker of the pair for medical research. It has been said they received a total of 12p. However it was at the local medical research facility that things began to turn strange. After a series of routine tests and scans, to the amazement of the doctors, it appeared the specimen had extremely strange bone structure and chemical make up, making her up to 6x more durable than the average human. Despite the governments best attempt to keep their astounding discovery under wraps, it wasn't long before the American Government had caught wind of their findings, and began a covert mission to acquire the supergreer for their own ends. After an extremely costly and failed rescue attempt by the American marines (It is believed future green beret and recipient of the congressional medal of honour 'John Rambo' was part of the elite extraction squad) the Americans made an open bid to the British for the supergreer. A sum of 6 Billion US dollars, and 32 magic beans was agreed by both sides, on the condition that any significant discoveries made would be shared between both sides, a condition that was duly ignored by the Americans. After Nurturing the supergreer into adult hood through a series of military drilling and brainwashing the Americans came to possess their first and only fabled 'Supersoldier' Just in time for the Vietnam war. This came to prove vital, becoming beyond doubt the American military's greatest asset, her unparalleled skill with her 'Widowmaker' (A machette duck-taped to the bottom of an M16) in the initial stages of the war proved crucial to the American advance, and to this day leading military tacticians believe that if it wasn't for the loss of her left leg in the final battle for saigon that the US would have won the war outright. After the war and the completion of the worlds first bionic leg, she became an elite assassin. Working for Both the CIA and FBI in tandem. As well as completing several rumoured special operation abroad, such as the assassination Princess Diana, it has been controversially leaked by the vatican that it may have been in fact, the supergreer in disguise, on one of her suspected freelance missions that assassinated John Lennon, on behalf of the Christian church, who became outraged after his famous ' bigger than jesus' quip and sought to hire 'the best in the business'. In the early 90's during a skiing trip in Switzerland with Future newscaster and lover at the time Trevor McDonald the supergreer suffered a horrific accident, banging her head on a rock after a failed attempt at the worlds first quadruple back flip on snow. As a result the years of brainwashing and military training unravelled in a flash, and after 3 weeks in hospital, she and Trevor Returned to Britain. Trevor stayed in london to pursue a career as a car salesman while the supergreer purchased a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and made her way back to Scotland to be reunited with her family, where she still lives (happily-ish) to this day.
So kids, spare a thought before you judge grumpy old women, for there may in fact, be more to them than meets the eye.
'Mad Heather' aka 'The Womble Woman' is another of the colourful characters to frequent the streets of Auchterarder. Unlike the well documented history of Grannie Greer, her's is shrouded in mystery. However, Local historian Cyrill Thompson has put forward some extremely convincing theories about her back story, and how she came about to grace the quaint little town of auchterarder with her Residency. Thompson's in depth (ish) research has unearthed some very strange facts indeed, first and foremost being her involvement with the violent controversy surrounding the original 'wombles' To you and I, the wombles are merely a fond childhood memory, some light hearted entertainment. In fact, the truth is far, far darker. [to be continued, going to get drunk instead of writing any more of this filth, its going to be funny though, dont worry.]