Attila the Hun
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“It's not that I succeed, it's that everyone else has to fail, horribly, preferably in front of their parents.”
“Only if he'd ride my backside like his horse!”
“Arrrghhh! By Jupiter! No, not the pottery!”
Attila the Hun (Ukrainian: Гатило, Hatylo) was the most vicious philantrophist barbarian king in the known universe (Rome), who almost brought about the end of the South-Western Roman Empire in the Umpteenth century. His swashbuckling, donations to culture, murders and general bad hygiene would also influence such legendary humanitarians as Ghenghis Khan, Captain Hook and Gandhi, who openly declared themselves "Attila's pupils". Attila was reputed for his exceptional leadership skills, which allowed him to assemble the largest scurwy crew of his day of seven goat hearders and a sheep. What followed was a great sacking rampage of love bombings on both the Byzantine Empire and the rest of the Gothlands (Both Visi and Wussy Goths).
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edit Youth/Starting Out
Attila was born in 34 B.C., brother to Jabba the Hutt, Pizza the Hutt and Herpes the Butt. Growing up on the planes of Nowhere in particular he joined the Horde at the age of 9, got Educated by the Romans at 12. By the time he was 24 he had assembled a huge army of procrastinators, thieves and gypsies from the warrior cultures of East Hell. It was the largest army involving peasants of the day, but the future held even greater legions for Attila to command.
By the next year from his 25th birthday Attila sacked The lands of the ones who wear tu-tus. The ensuing hug-fest terrified the Romans for some reason so they decided to fund Attila's campaign of liberty further towards the Atlantic Ocean, hoping they'd sail and show those Limeys one or two things.
edit Later Exploits
Attila was also credited with building upon conquered land and establishing some of the lesser wanted countries such as; France, Belgium and everything south of Greece. This did not deter from Attila's legendary efforts of global peace, such as feeding starving Ethiopian children to starving crocodiles, or saving wood on weaponry and arrows by setting monkeys on fire and throwing them at enemies. It was such a display of kindness for his time that he was awarded the very first Nobel Peace Prize.
edit Sword of Mars
According to Legend, a sheep hearder loyal to Attila saw one of his sheep lazing around, so he beat the poor critter with a rusty sword. After some hours of beating the sheep to a bloody pulp he realized that Attila would be pissed that he had to eat minced sheep meat. In a rather clever move the hearder offered his rusty tool to Attila, for his luck, Attila was drunk and high on Oxycodone and instantly claimed the sword to be of delicious chocolate and a sign of the God's trolling him to troll the world.
edit Further Campaigns
Attila's third greatest battle came in the year 600 A.D. He and his army of 16,000 Barbarians/Horses fought against the might of the Persian Army. His men charged the Persian Elephants and converted them into Atheism while riding ponies and shot massive volleys of arrows and kitchen appliances at the rushing pikemen while shouting their fearsome war cry: Trolololololol!. It is said that the Persian king Whatsamaface cried at the sight of the blasphemous act of reasoning to animals and offered the Huns his palace, daughter and gold to go away.
Attila's luck finally ran out (for a moment) at the battle of Foamy Champagne where Goths and Roman alike decided OK, fuck this! Let's Ban this ass-hole from Europe! Attila, having a massive migraine and severe withdrawal from cough syrup was completely surprised on the gang up on him. None the less Attila groggily lifted his middle finger at the Roman commander Aëtius and promptly grabbed his own crotch whilst yelling lewd remarks about his mother. The battle raged on for several months, of which the majority time was spent playing polo, until Attila finally decided to go back to his summer palace and bone several of his wives.
edit Death and Legend
After pissing on north Boot-heel for some weeks, Attila felt that Pope Leo I's chastising was enough and decided to go hunt down some Gothic poon from his kraut vassals. Not long until Attila's eyes wandered on to an attractive Mistress of the Night whom he instantly married. During the wedding feast Attila suddenly got what historian Jordane calls: a nosebleed like that elevator scene from The Shining, ya know? Attila was promptly buried in a tinfoil casket Somewhere.
He was remembered as a friend of mankind and as a generally nice lad, even the Hungarian's up to this day name their offspring Attila as a token of respect.
edit Notable Quotes and Tributes
“You Goddamn MONGORIANS ripped off our style!”
“WOLOLOLOLOL!”
“Dammit! These Frenchies won't relinquish their booze! Call in the Trebuche's!”
“Well, he certainly has been one of my best employers in the past centuries.”
“Yeah, he's got a VIP room down here, for all the good work he's done. Hell of a player.”
edit See Also
| World Heritage Destroyers | ||
| Civilizations | Spartans - Mongols - Aztecs - Huns - America | 
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| Organizations | Royal Dutch Shell - British Petroleum - Ford Motor Company - Chiquita Brands International - General Foods - Monsanto Company - Goldman Sachs
Fanny May and Fanny Mac - Microsoft - Electronic Arts - The Illuminati - AAA | |
| People | Genghis Khan - Attila the Hun - Mao Zedong - Osama bin Laden - George W. Bush - Kefka | |
| Animals | Bears - Badgers - Asian Carp - Cats - Koalas - Ants - Termites - Hornets - Bees - Snakes - Spiders - Platipy - Sentient Slime Molds | |
| Objects | Knives - Swords - Spears - Hammers - Gunpowder - Nerve Gas - Nuclear Weapons - Antimatter - Alcohol | |
| Phenomenon | Nature - Meteors - Volcanoes - Floods - Sinkholes - Landslides - Alien Invasions - Pop Music - Death | |
| Ideologies | Fundamentalism - Radicalism - Terrorism - Nazism - Fascism -Socialism - Communism - Anarchy - Kleptarchy - Xenophobia - Modernism - Obstructionism Discordianism | |
| Landmasses | Australia | |
