Atomic bomb
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The Atomic Bomb was first developed By two very old grapes named mermaid boy and barnicle man(no intended copyright) who used glue and duct tape to put it together. It was received with joy by many as being the largest and fastest transport available at the time. In 1945 two Japanese cities were both transported, in full, to destinations Heaven and Hell.
Although it was tested thoroughly beforehand, the Japanese government demanded better service if they were to be nuked again, stating that there were still "some buildings standing, and the odd person survived." American officials apologised and have since been building more destructive bombs to meet the needs of the modern world. they make big boom.
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[edit] History
The very FIRST Atom Bomb was believed to be developed by MacGyver, but this theory has recently been disproved. We now know that the Atom Bomb was developed by an opium addict by the name of Robert Oppenheimer who while one day soaring as high as a kite read Einstein's theory of relativity and wrote a summary of it titled Alice in wonder land. Of course he could not remember writing this summary so for a while it just rested on a shelf in his home, however, one fine day known to communists as Red October, Oppenheimer was forced into drug rehab, and upon his release he discovered his summary and from it developed the blue prints for the Atom Bomb. He made his first nuclear bomb from cannabis leaves and salt.
In an interview with the owner of Macdonalds and George Bush, MacGyver revealed that the main elements to an Atom bomb was a pint of Russian vodka along with 76.023 grams of fresh baguette juice.
What to do if you encounter one?
[edit] Current deployment
The atomic bomb is in hibernation at the moment. The 2009 Invasion of Iran is, according to Press Secretary Chef Boyardee, the atom bomb's next scheduled flight. It is known for a fact that the United States and Russia are building up the largest once-for-all transportation device in the world by sending all people to heaven or hell using components of atomic bombs. The projected completion date is somewhere in the mid-21ish century.
[edit] How to make One
There are two ways to make an Atom Bomb:
First Way: First you take your flour and mix it with your sugar and your water as well as two eggs (Grade A--remember this is weapons grade here!) to make the "Nuclear Envelope" (otherwise known as the crust). Then you take your filling (cherry, pumpkin, apple-- this will vary upon the payload you wish to deliver- with the highest being whipped cream), in our case whipped cream for maximum effect. And gently place it in the oven (enriching stage). This is where your bomb will take shape. Set it to broil at 573 1/2 degrees Kelvin for 2 days. At 17 hours 36 minutes and 84 seconds (yes 84 seconds!!!) toss in 3 rotten eggs and quickly shut the door. This will add a certain...stench to the brew and will drastically increase the power of the blast. At 41 hours 12 minutes and 4.63511 seconds you need to insert a single (1) cheese wheel soaked in kerosene (karo-sceen) at the heart of the bomb (note: if you fail to insert the cheese wheel soaked in kerosene at exactly this time, your bomb will NOT work at all, instead you'll need to start over). Allow it to incinerate until at exactly 48 hours you need to charge in and drop the temperature to -53 degrees Fahrenheit followed by a temperature rise to 41 degrees Celsius. This sudden cooling and warming will ensure complete mixing. You should be left with one (1) completely melted, smouldering, and utterly destructive working atomic weapon.
Second Way: This way is arguably easier, and can be completed in a short amount of time. First you will need Swiss cheese, 2% milk, a normal drinking glass, toilet paper, aluminium foil, and Xbox Live (so you can brag to your friends- oh...um...never mind). First, pour the milk into the glass. The glass is your container. Next, rip the cheese into small globs and put that into the glass. Cover the top with toilet paper. Then cover the toilet paper with aluminium foil. You set off the bomb by throwing the bomb at a target. The glass will shatter and reach the resonant frequency of the cheese, which will cause it to react violently with the milk and cause flame, which will light the toilet paper, which will cause an extreme reaction with the aluminium foil.
Third Way: This way is the hardest of all. First, you need to find Tom Cruise. After you find Tom Cruise, steal your grandmothers couch (yes the one covered in plastic wrap) and tell him that it is Oprah's couch. Tom Cruise will want to jump on it, so push it over the edge of the Grand Canyon. Tom Cruise will jump after it, fall down the sides and break every bone in his body, just like Evel Knievel. Tom Cruise will die, but Satan won't want him in Hell. Shortly after, Satan will appear from the edge of the Grand Canyon and beg you to take Tom back so that Satan can get a break from hearing Tom Cruise ramble on about how "Mission Impossible was so awesome", and how he was "so good in Valkerie", and how he's "not gay". Of course, you need to con Satan. Ask him for the legendary Lieutenant Shinysides, Satan's pet goldfish. Satan loves his pet goldfish, but he'll gladly give it up. However, since Satan is a liar, he gave Lieutenant Shinysides a cute name to cover up the fact that Lieutenant Shinysides is actually an extremely explosive puffer fish that he had planned to use on Jesus during Armageddon. But, i digress. If you haggle enough Satan will give you Lieutenant Shinysides and then return to the bowels of Hell. Afterwards, take Lieutenant Shinysides and cut him open, and remove his heart of solid Uranium. The uranium is already enriched, so all you need to do to create your bomb is to put the uranium inside a tampon. Then, use chloroform on your girlfriend (don't have one? Well then i guess you aren't fit to be the next dictator!) and then stick the tampon up her snatch. When she comes to, she'll be so pissed off that the bomb will start to smolder inside her snatch. Tell your girlfriend not to worry and that you were going to surprise her by driving her to a fancy resturant downtown. When you get there, take her to a McDonalds. At that exact moment, get the fuck out of that car. She'll be so pissed off that the snuke will detonate at any moment. With any luck, you'll be able to jump into a fridge before the bomb goes off. If you don't, you will be trapped in a Lieutenant Shinysides-level asplosion, which will cause 9/11 times 1000 (911000) an approximation of the entire universe will be damaged. Everything will die, except for you, (if you're in the fridge) Chuck Norris, Barney (because his child molesting stupidity creates a barrier around him) and Jesus. Then, poke your head out of the dumpster and you will get to witness an awesome fistfight between Jesus, Chuck Norris and Barney. If you're smart, bet on Jesus, because he can kill Chuck Norris instantly with his ultimate attack LET THERE BE LIGHT and then Chuck Norris will get clean-shaven by the attack, and since his beard is his power source, he will be as strong as your mom (she sucks... literally.). Barney would die instantly because there are no infants left in the universe to rape. Jesus would then be TEH PWNZOR and 1337 and have T3H PH1R3... until he is eaten by an Ubergrue. Then you are also eaten by an Ubergrue. So don't build nukes this way. Period. Nukes are bad. If you want a nuke so badly, buy 'em from Russia. They were dumb enough to sell them to foreigners a few years ago.
In Soviet Russia, bomb explodes YOU!!
[edit] How to use one (or how I learned to stop worrying and just press the goddamn red button)
To use your new atom bomb you first need to select your target (a small city, industrial facility, or your neighbours house to give a few examples). Secondly you need to disguise it, as walking down the street with an atomic bomb is likely to get you raped by fat people. Thirdly you have to be completely and totally insane (and I mean Insane). Being insane is not an option, it is a requirement because you have to be desperate to use one of these (I.E.: your neighbours dog won't shut up at night and their yard is more of a dump/toxic waste site AND they refuse to clean it up AND they are super annoying and UGLY). Facial hair or a turban is also required, as well as some sort of uniform (desert robes DO count, but you MUST have a turban). Civilian clothes are OK for field operatives but they've got to have an illegal stockpile of weapons in a 120 degree storage locker and go there regularly to look important.
Optional requirements:
- Believing in Allah, the Jihad or Muhammed is not a requirement, however it may be useful to have a "worthy" cause or supposed "belief" to hide your mindless destruction behind. This also gives the news people at ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN something to talk about (as if they know anything other than what's on the Teleprompter anyway right?).
- A sleek silver case to put the thing in (just like on 24!).
- At least one (1) unmarked Chevy van with either tinted windows or no windows at all as well as several (4-7) gas guzzling SUV's and other unnecessary vehicles that serve no purpose but to waste money, gas and just show off that you're evil and no good.
- Fake everything (credit cards, green cards, hair, noses, teeth, etc...) because you can't let them know who you are or what you do without getting tortured first (common it's in the Handbook on how to be a terrorist/evil villain/dictator didn't you read that part?)
- Video camera/Camera (you know, to show the family back home just what you did and to upload on youtube to show how so cool it is!)
- A white Lab coat (you Are a mad scientist you know)
- A funny story for the interrogation team (you know, mix things up a little bit, make them laugh about it and so on)
- A red shirt or brown pants (depends on how you think you may feel during and after your awesome display of power!)
- A cool terrorist/dictator/evil villain name (examples: Osama bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Dr. No, Dr. Evil)
- An acronym for your evil society or group (SMERSH, KGB, KKK, DEM, REP, MADD, OMFG, GOP, SA, NASDAP, SS, USAAF, UN)
- One large baked potato wedge extra salt. Use this at the board meeting as you discuss your intelligent plans to cause mindless destruction. hold back on the oil when baking because bin laden is watching his figure.
- A big fat ass to kiss goodbye. good luck..... fucking freak...
- Something that characterizes you (example: Hitler's mustache) so that people will be able to make jokes about you in 50 years.
[edit] iPod's Of Destruction
The atomPod. It looks exactly like a iPod Video, the only difference is that it can remove 712,365,125km's of land!.
After claims today of a 'destructive' iPod Video, Apple Corporation have appeared in front of a court to defend their rights. The atomPod will include a 5912 kT (Kilo Tonnes) atomic bomb that detonates when the 'Shuffle Songs' button is pressed. Apple being the same 'loophole-leaving' company forgot to add a remote. So when detonated, the user and the 712,365,125km's (Kilometers) around the 'atomPod' will be vaporised instantly. Apple has proven insane in the past, especially with the iNuke. So will Apple be smudged under the court of law? Or will they leap to safety (like usual)? We might also be seeing George W. Bush's input in this case for Apple, because of the US's involvement with the iNuke.
Many other corporations and evil-street-buskers[1] have encountered problems constructing 'clone' nuclear devices. These inadequacies are commonly blamed on the patented "iSotope" technology, which is vigorously defended. Carbon-14 was recently sued for damages after breaching the license by its inclusion in oranges, bananas and other illegal fruit copies.
In conclusion, we might as well start buying iMacs from now, because our inner sources tell us, the 'atomPod' will be used on Microsoft, literally 'eliminating' the competition.
The iHome, however, only has enough power to blow up your house. It is less boom, for less money.lol 3 2...1... BOOOOM! Holy Shit!
[edit] Other pieces of useless info
- Nuke
- Population bomb
- Atomic Kitten
- Adam Ant
- Pluto
- The Hulk
- Brie bomb
- Critical Ass
- Heaven
- Hell
- Michael Jackson
- Hiroshima
- Nagasaki
- MIG
