Atomic Mass (band)

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“One time in 1983, I got together with Rick Allen at his home, and wanting to drum so badly (his set was back in the studio), he grabbed his amazing 2B drumwood and "drummed" on me. My huge juicy tits were the "rack toms" (34x20, 34x20), my ass was the snare (6x3), and guess where the "kick drum" was? CORNDOG! Mmmmm, felt so good being a drumset. Oh, and not a word of what I just said to Tommy Lee, alright!?! Don't wanna hurt his feelings.”
~ Pamela Anderson on Atomic Mass
“Why is Joe Elliott less of an asshole than me? WHY!?”
~ Axl Rose on Atomic Mass
“I cast real White Lightning.”
~ Zeus on Atomic Mass
“I cite them as an important influence.”
“I cite them as an important influence.”
~ You on Atomic Mass
“WHAT FIVE-PIECE GROUP HAS 14 LEGS AND SUCKS!?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Atomic Mass

Atomic Mass were the greatest heavy metal band of all time that formed in Sheffield, England, in 1977. The band lasted for only 13 total years, in which in the end they faced major difficulties, ultimately disbanding after Rick Allen's penis-losing car accident, Steve Clark's headache of death from listening to crappy music, and Pete Willis taking the biggest shits and dying.

edit Early years (1977-1979)

It all started out as a project when a young bassist named Rick Savage and guitarist Pete Willis used to skip most of their classes and smoke when they hid in alleys and had nothing to do. They realized they were about to repeat their freshman year in high school for the SECOND TIME, so they set out on doing what they do best at--playing loud, cliche heavy rock music.. Savage also had hung out with Tony Kenning since both loved Lead Seplin and other great classics from the past.They had copyright issues to name the band Def Leppard and Deaf Leopard.So they combined the to names to avoid being sued.

When Savage saw Kenning holding some drumsticks at lunch, he had asked him if he was a drummer, and he replied a yes. Excited, the 15-year old bassist invited Tony and Pete over at his house to schedule jamming dates at Kenning's. They called themselves Deaf Lepperd.

The next day they met, they were ready, they played the hell out of their instruments;Willis shredding on his badass guitar, Savage keeping up to the rhythm of the lead, and Kenning exploding on his drumset... It was so heavy, it made Metallica sound like "two white furry puppies eating a strawberry" compared to theirs.[1] But all of a sudden they realized that they forgot something---a singer! Deaf Lapperd set out to look for a singer.

Rick Savage searched newspapers, communities, and randomly dialed numbers on the phone until the person he was talking to was a singer. Tony Kenning started going to music instrument stores around Sheffield. But Willis was laid back and taking it all easy, but when he missed a bus to practice at Kenning's one day, he saw some dude walking his way and the guy asked Willis if he's in a band. Willis asked the guy if he's a singer, and fortunately, they both found what they needed!

The man's name is Joe Elliott, an 18-year old dreamer who worked at a factory that makes microphones and stands. Elliott stole a microphone set from the factory and brought an amp over at Kenning's. Now they had a singer! The band also added guitarist Steve Clark, who was a hardcore Jamey Pagerex fan, from Lead Seplin. They started writing some songs on the weekends when they stayed over each others houses during nights, sometimes in just twos alone!

Joe Elliott however didn't really like the name "Deaf Lapperd" because his mother was hearing-impaired, and for some reason Elliott likes perfect grammar so he ordered it be changed to Atomic Mass. Not liking the new name, Kenning then suggested "Atomik Maz".. Joe Elliott got mad at him for shitty grammar and threatened to quit the band already, but Sav and Willis insisted he stayed, and instead, kicked Tony Kenning and his drumset out of the band.

Since Kenning left, the band had so seek another drummer to record their 1979 E.P. with. Frank Noon came over to Joe Elliott's house (the new jamming place for Atomic Mass) at midnight. He offered to record the Atomic Mass E.P., which was so heavy as hell, sold 3,000,000 (that's millions folks) copies all over England in just three days.

But Noon departed later after recording the songs on the E.P. because he didn't like losing to Joe Elliott at chess, and Atomic Mass were in trouble again. The once powerful and heavy metal band was almost about to fall apart, but thankfully they found a 15-year old drummer who could play the hell out of a kid's Inspector Gadget set, and added in drummer Rick Allen to the band. "His style.. it's just so unique and gifted.. I don't think ANY drummer could play like that, and when he played backwards I was just astounded!" Joe Elliott said in an Atomic Mass interview. Allen changed his set to a Mudwig 5-piece, and the band began recording their debut album, "On Through The Afternoon" in 1980 with Sgt. Tom Allman, cousin to Dwayne Allman of the Allman Sisters.

edit Establishing a place in the heavy metal world and some controversies (1980-1981)

The album "On Through The Afternoon" had sold 50,000,003 units worldwide, and whipped out two singles, because of Allen's sharp drumming skills and for being the first rock album to have songs to break the heavy-o-meter. But the band were being criticized by the American media for having more interests in Great Britain rather than the fans who bought their records the most (america!). This caused a huge backlash by the Japanese as they were not included at all. Joe Elliot stated "I really don't like Asian woman" unless I am making love or just hanging out with them!"

So Atomic Mass sought out after a new producer, and Robert Bob Joseph "Pitbull" Michael Aaron Bange (later Shania Wayne's husband) was introduced. The "Pitbull" produced for Judah Pretzels, but didn't do so well with the heavy-o-meter results in the media. He was hired to record the band's second album, "Low N' Wet", which was the start of the band's lyrical content going more towards sexual fantasies instead of traditional mindless heavy metal, even though when it was released in 1981, kicked the blazing hell out of the first one. It was said to be strongly based on Joe Elliot's "raging hallucinations from constantly tripping on bad acid!"

But it was evident that in the single "Fuckin' Up The Prostitute", Joe sings about a pimp who always pressured a prostitute to work on a minimal wage salary, but she had a feeling in her heart that it was about to break because she couldn't take it any longer, and in fact that single video clip was replayed over and over again by the young MTV over, and over, and OVER (x 189) again. The band's second album "FirefighterMania" sold over 695,000,000 copies in America, but only 10 copies in Great Britain.

edit Embarrassment and hatred towards a fellow band member (1982)

The band saw that this was not good, and when they played "Let Shit Go" live on MTV Music Video awards in 1982, Pete Willis constantly went back stage while the song was going on, and from what Joe Elliott remembered during the improvised lengthy solo Steve Clark and Rick Allen were filling the gap for, Willis was literally taking a shit in the storage room, and instantly was fired from the band, supposedly even before he could wipe the shit from his ass! Rick Savage strongly remembers that Willis "didn't completely wipe the shit from his ass" and while trying he managed to get some on his hands, which was un-benounced to the rest of the guys and the Mtv crew that he had gotten shit all over the stage set, the amps and his "former" bandmates! Savage had shaken Willis' hand (to say goodbye) and wasn't aware that the shit from Willis' hand had transferred to his hand. Savage went to scratch his eye and got Willis' feces into his eye ball and on his face. Sav was so upset that he "beat Willis to a bloody pulp" and then pissed on his face.

Willis said in an interview that "I wrote the chorus lyric for the song while taking a shit, and thought 'this sounds heavy', but I was having constipation, and just had to 'let shit go'! [chuckle]". The band was so pissed off at Willis they sent him letters, calling him a "mega giant douche who always takes a shit when he's jacking off with his guitar even though he kicked ass with it" and a "shit-wanking ogre guitarist who is taller than every other member of Atomic Mass", but Atomic Mass's remaining members admitted he did kinda kick a lot of fucking ass on guitar, but they soon forgot about him when they recruited Phil Colon, some guitarist dude from the band Shemale.

edit The breakthrough, fieriest metal album the fans had been waiting for (1983)

They recorded the third album "Firefightermania", and was instantly released in 1983, with the fresh kickass singles "Pictograph", "Pebbles Of Ages", and "Spooling". But it was evident that the band had relied too much on "pretty choruses with somewhat hard rock stuff as well", even though it was much heavier than "On Through The Afternoon" and "Low N' Wet" combined!

"Firefightermania" has sold over 7,900,000,000,000 (that's trillions folks) copies worldwide, with 250,000,000,000 just in England! The band were proud with Phil Colon and Steve Clark together, since both formed a duet called "The Twins Of Terrorism", but instead changed it to "Terror Brothers That Act Alike But Have Different Mothers" or abbreviated as TBTAABHDM, so the Americans wouldn't be afraid that they were actually (by marriage) associated with Al Qaeda. (Allen's Brother is Bin Palin) They quickly embarked on a massive kickass world tour in 1983, and thousands-no--MILLIONS- NO BILLIONS of heavy metal enthusiasts followed the band around shows and shit like that. They opened for Billy Square, causing him to quit his own band just to follow the Mass around on tour, even to eventually be hit with a restraining order from Elliot!

It was so fucking loud and cool, you could take the loudest, and stinkiest farts out there, but nobody heard that or even minded the scent. Ladies had been coming over the band members' rented villas, and they all had sex orgies, sometimes Joe Elliott would be on top of a chick, that chick would be on top of another chick, and that chick would be UNDER Phil Colon, and etc, etc.!!! It was great being in your 20's this early. And then they all had booze, had a great time!! MTV only played "Pictograph" more often than Michael Fagson's Thriller videos.

edit Worst punishments to the greatest rock band of all time (1984-1987)

But in 1984, Rick Allen lost his penis on a walking accident, and because he couldn't drum without it, rather quit and had to use his testicles instead, but it didn't work. The band were about to release fourth album, but they needed more money. "Pitbull" Lanje was busy with someone else, probably having sex, so Joe Elliott hired former Iron Maiden guitarist Adrian Smith for a short time, because Elliott thought he looked nothing like Phil Colon. So the two collaborated together by writing and recording their fourth album. So in 1987, (3 years after Rick Allen had to cope with being "penisless"), the then two-pieced Atomic Mass released Hysteria for MTV to play its crap again.

The album only sold 20 copies worldwide, because the single "Pour Some Sodium On Me" degraded the band's popularity and it helped turn the band into a salt-rock group. Adrian Smith then left Atomic Mass because Hysteria didn't sell well so he returned for Iron Maiden to record their album Seventh Son of A Seventh Son, especially since all the other members of Atomic Mass are atheist and hates God.

Having sold the least, Hysteria was named #2 on VH1's Worst Albums of The 80s program, right behind AC\DC's Back In Black (how embarrassing it is to compare the kickass-ness of Atomic Mass with crappy AC\DC.. YUCK!)

edit Coming back to their senses (1988-1990)

Mighty as they were, came back together in release bootleg albums of their live shows back in 1979-1981. The title of the live album is Encore For The Masses, which successfully QUADRUPLED in sales over Firemania worldwide!! But band then got together again by the end of 1989 to work Hysteria II, although Adrian Smith didn't want to return to Atomic Mass because they're all atheists, and God HATES atheists.[2]

edit Atomic Mass now kinda sucks and aren't that great anymore (1991-FOREVER)

In 1991, Atomic Mass again returned to start writing and recording songs for "Hysteria II", although at that time, Rick Allen and kickass bassist Rick Savage went on an atheist-missionary trip to Heaven and prove to the idiots including Ozzy Osbourne that he'd been deluded by Bruce Wayne's theory of a God and Spaghetti Monster named Timothy Norman (who has no brain, need I remind you good sirs).

So in the meantime, Santa Claus took over the role of drums, as Emo Hitler played bass while staring down and tearing in sorrow, not wanting to feel happy he finally found a band AFTER ALL THESE YEARS in his Japanese home. Three words: They couldn't play. Because they didn't do SHIT on drums, eventually the band broke up while working on Hysteria II, because Steve Clark accidentally died after listening to "Pour Some Sodium On Me" in repeat forty times in a row. Atomic Mass decided to call it quits and each went their own ways... with Phil Colon becoming a carnivore and supporting M.E.I.A. (Munching Every Innocent Animal) because he can. Rick Savage dated Britney Swords, but realized that she was uglier than him, so he dumped her and is now single.

Joe Elliott is currently looking for a new band to form with, but can't because of what "Hysteria" did to the new wave of British heavy metal fanatics, their heavy-o-meter did not work with "Hysteria"!!! And Rick Allen has been secretly hiding away from the paparazzi and the tabloids because of his manhood gone and the inability to drum without it.

Atomic Mass only felt like it was yesterday, which was the tomorrow of Atomic Mass.. Pete Willis died taking the biggest shit in history in 1992. It is sad, really.. The heaviest, most ground-breaking band from England.. so fucking great, all the way through, if only it wasn't for Rick Allen's accident and Joe Elliott for being impatient and releasing the icky and poppy "Hysteria" album.

edit What now? (1992-FUTURE)

On January 1st, 1992, Joe Elliott released Hysteria II, just as Lead Seplin did with Goda when drummer Johnas Bosnham sadly died. Sales for Hysteria II were just as bad as the first Hysteria, and they had nothing else going for them;they were getting too old for kickass music. Now that even MORE people have become christians, metal pretty much died, in terms of quality.. Because the 1990's had shitty grunge music and alternative and rap were making their ways up to the charts, the great talented kickass heavy metal bands we all loved and enjoyed as kids and teens have decided to smoke, do drugs, and drink instead of produce fresh new material, and let's not forget that they're too old to write heavy songs with enthusiasm from their youth.. Too bad, too sad..

edit Discography

  • The Atomic Mass E.P. (1979)
  • On Through The Afternoon (1980)
  • Low N' Wet (1981)
  • Firemania (1983)
  • Hysteria (1987)
  • Encore For The Masses (bootleg) (1988)
  • Hysteria II (1992)
  • Our Greatest Albums (featuring blank and only blank discs) (2001)

edit Band members

  • Joe Elliott - lead vocals, guitars, backing vocals (1977-1991)
  • Pete Willis – guitars, backing vocals (1977–1982)
  • Steve Clark - guitar, backup (1978–1991)
  • Phil Colon - guitar, backup (1983–1991)
  • Adrian Smith - guitar, backup (1987)
  • Rick Savage – guitars, bass, backing vocals (1977–1991)
  • Tony Kenning – drums, percussion (1977)
  • Frank Noon - electronic drums played acoustically (1978)
  • Rick Allen - drums, penised percussion (1978–1991)

edit See also

edit Notes

  1. As admitted by James Hatfield in a Metallica interview.
  2. The Lord really does love you a lot. How dare thee turn thy backs on Thine own saviour? --Hotopic 66:6
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