From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Atoms are the "building blocks of matter". They make up everything, including your mother's vagina. It has been proven that atoms actually make you homosexual. So, if you are not gay, then you don't have any atoms at all. And that is the truth, Bitches. Known as elements. Everything in the Universe is made up of atoms, no matter what the kind of material. However, this raises the question, "What are atoms made of?" Atoms are in fact made of plastic, as is clear from any diagram of an atom; simply look at the smooth, shiny, coloured texture of the atom and this is confirmed to be true.
According to well-known scholar George "Kingfish" Stevens, atoms are made up of protons, neutrons, fig newtons and morons.
Niels Bohr was the first "human" to ever catch an atom in nature in 1803 in Europe in Spring in April in the afternoon in pantaloons. Many Europeans followed in his tracks and hunted atoms to near extinction, and they remain endangered to this day.
Parts of an atom
Every atom known to scientists consists of eighteen basic parts:
- up quarks,
- down quarks,
- charm quarks,
- strange quarks,
- top quarks,
- bottom quarks,
- electron neutrinos
- muon neutrinos,
- touon neutrinos,,
There are also things called atomic strings, which is part of the string theory (a.k.a. the yarn theory, hence the term "spinning scientific yarns") that no one understands. However we don't count those as they are purely nonsensical, and gave rise to the awful, yet very popular with annoying people, question - how long is a piece of string. The answer is, as one great scientist (Brian) discovered that if
The protons provide the atom with protein, which helps the atom build strong muscles. The neutrons are so named because they are nutritious. Along with the protons, they provide food for the atom, and live in the "nucleus" of the atom which is an old, 17th-century word for refrigerator. The electrons, as you probably can guess, provide electricity for the nucleus, and help keep atom's internal lights on as well as the cooling mechanism. Of course, all this is just a metaphor. It's really more of a pantry than a fridge.
The protons and neutrons in the nucleus are held together by tiny Jesii who each hold a proton with their hands and a corresponding neutron with their feet. It is the gravity generated by these constantly spinning Messiahs which causes the nearly massless electrons to orbit about the nucleus.
The largest atom was found in Peru in late 2007. It was bigger than a house, and home to several colonies of indigenous mice.
Another aspect of the atoms meme is the controversy that it had caused in Kansas. The "Atomists" are radical, zealous scientists who promote their evil "Atom" belief theory. This "atom" idea is flawed for these reasons:
- Atom theory is only a theory. It is not necessarily true
- Even these so-called atomist "scientists" will admit that atomism is only a theory
- No one has actually ever seen an atom
- The existence of atoms disprove the existence of God
- The atomist claims are backed up by preposterous "experiments" including:
- Claiming that since light doesn't pass through gold, the atom must have a nucleus
- Measuring the charge of an electron which no one has seen anyway
- Levitating oil droplets. This is related to the para-normal aspect of the atomist doctrine
- The atomists themselves can't even make up their minds about what an atom looks like
Atomism is just a theory
To start off, atomist theory is only a theory. Even the name shows that it is only theory, therefore, it should be treated with skepticism. Let's look at some other theories: the theory of evilution and the theory of universal gravitation (which claims that stars are affected by gravity; if so, why don't they fall to earth already?). One says that people "evolved" from slime, the other says that the stars should fall from the sky. Similarly, the theory of atomism holds such preposterous claims as: everything is made out of indivisible, basic particles; these particles have a nucleus of positively charged particles (this contradicts with earlier theory: why doesn't the nucleus fly apart?); Electrons orbit the nucleus and, when "excited", jump to a higher orbit without going through any intermediate steps. All in all, one should at least be skeptical of atomist theory because of it's shaky foundations. After all, why else would it be just a theory? Even the atomists admit that its a theory!
No one has ever seen an atom
Ask any atomist this question: you'll be sure that they'll be stumped: or laugh in your face ( FREE FROM CENSORSHIP!) "Have you even seen an atom?" No matter what atomist propaganda there is to the contrary, no one has seen an atom. The only way to belief in this preposterous hoax is to have faith in science, which arrantly can tell you all about stuff you haven't seen, can't see, and will never see anyway! Ahead, we'll expose the so-called "experiments" that the atomists have used, which border on the paranormal.
In most experiments people do in order to see an atom they bounce something off an atom, like an electron, and watching where the electron goes after it bounces out of the atom. Of course, an electron is smaller than an atom so you would think it would get a lot more complicated after this, but you are wrong. It is actually easier to see an electron because it leaves tracks on things. Using those tracks you can build a pretty good picture of an atom.
Evidence for Atomism: A Balanced Evaluation
There is some evidence for atomism; however, since the theory of atomism is already wrong, the evidence does not work out. In a debate with an atomist, they are likely to proclaim that they have "measured" the charge of an electron, a particle that they claim to be even smaller and apparently 1000 times less massive than their protons. This is clearly false as any machine that they could have used to detect electric fields, due to background radiation. Nevertheless, they will cite Millikin's para-normal oil-drop experiment. This experiment supposedly measured the charge of an electron by suspending an oil droplet in mid-air. One shortcoming of Millikan's experiment is that, generally, there's more than one electron in an oil droplet. Even if you buy the "levitation" part of the experiment, you cannot believe in the oil droplets simply because these electrons (which are also supposedly smaller than the wavelength of light: another aspect of the atomist's self-contradictory dogma), are too small to be counted.
Moving on from levitation, we arrive at Rutherford's gold experiment. This experiment involved shining light at a piece of gold foil. No, Rutherford was not in first grade, but he was a demented parody of a scientist. He arived at the conclusion that the center of an atom contains "protons" because not all the light went through the foil. So, if you're unwrapping a hershey's kiss and the foil forms a shadow, that automatically means that the foil's acturally made of microscopic particles too small to see with a "nucleus" of like charged particles. It is interesting to note that the existence of such a nucleus made of like charges contradicts with earlier scientific evidence which states that like charges repel. The sheer amount of binding energy required for such as nucleus would be, if not prohibitive, ridiculous.
These two are the most easily refutable claims. However, there are many other such "experiments" that involve a magnet distorting a picture on a television screen (CRT) and the burning of Hydrogen.
Evidence against Atomism: A Balanced Evaluation
In addition to claiming that Atomism is just a theory and that atoms have never been seen, the atomist will also acknowledge the contradictory views of the atom by its supposedly scientific community. As a result, the atom theory has taken many forms. One of the earlier Mysticists, Niels Bohr developed the "solar system" model of the atom. His first model dictates that when the electrons advance to a higher orbit, they skip the space in between orbits. Before Bohr, there was J.J. Thompson, who decided to claim that atoms were made out of plum pudding as a joke (plum pudding's made out of atoms?). Such is the scientific rigor of the atomists. Thankfully, his joke was quickly refuted - to be replaced by a more ridiculous model - that of Rutherford's. Now, apparently, there are no "electrons." Quantum theory, the atomist's latest dogma, dictates that the electrons are actually an electron "haze" that surrounds the nucleus. Another declaration of quantum theory is that it is not possible to produce exactly 1 joule of energy, since 1 is not divisible by Plack's constant. Now, scientists have moved on from pudding, from haze, and to "strings." This super-ultra-string theory's absurdness is exposed in the New Age mockumentary The Elegant Universe.
From a scientific standpoint, it is clear that this so-called "atomist" theory is rife with half-truths, lies, and intellectual fraud. The atomist conspiracy has finally been exposed. Thank you for reading.
The thicko's explanation
An atom would be the smallest piece of something that you can have.
You could get the smallest piece of anything by cutting it in half as many times as possible.
Since a piece half as big of something, like, say, a piece of cheese, looks exactly like the piece twice its size, you could, logically, divide it in half arbitrarily many times. Therefore, there is no atom of cheese, because if there were, then there would be a piece of cheese smaller than it, and that would make our atom of cheese not to be an atom.
What some people call an atom, like an atom of hydrogen, is not really an atom, because you could break it into pieces. Oddly, though, the pieces will neither be hydrogen nor atoms. Therefore, hydrogen is not really stuff, because, like cheese, real stuff can be broken into pieces that look like it, whereas these "atoms" can't be. So these "atoms" aren't really atoms, and the true kind of atom can't exist.
Therefore, there are no atoms.
However, Atoms exist in many forms. Atoms are "particles" that are so small that people cannot see them but they make up everything on earth. People do not think there is life on mars because there are no atoms there. Recently, NASA tried to send a robot to Mars to prove atoms existed but there were no Atoms to land on. Besides, the robot ran out of fuel halfway.
I wouldn't want to live on a world without atoms. Atoms kill things and give life to them. In prehistoric times, a giant meteor crashed on earth killing all the dinosoars and cavemen. A meteorite is kindove like a big rock so its kindove like a big atom. So atoms saved mankind from the dinosors, so atoms are pretty cool. But people tried to bring back the dinosoars using cloning technology and thats some things best left to the mormans. The dinosoars couldnt be contained inside the electric cages because of newman from seinfeld and they just totally tore stuff up. I think the dinosoars died at the end. Im not sure how but I had to return the movie before 12 or else Id get charged for another day. I will rent it again one day or watch it on FX to make sure that man does not fal prey to the dinosoars.
Atoms cannot be seen by regular people, just scientists, thats why when I grow up I want to be a scientist. Even though you cannot see atoms, you have to have faith that they exist. Faith is the core part of the Christian faith. Even though we were not around when Jesus died, we have the cross that he died on to prove he died for our sins. Sins are atoms that Jesus died for and it is so important that is under the Periodic table under 50. No one knows what 50 means. Maybe it has to do with that there are 50 states in America, the loveable rascal.
Scientists think that one day atoms can be used to cure dieses. Thats good because no one likes dieases. But how will they do it? Scientists will hopefully use tests to prove that atoms exist. What kind of tests? The world cannot know. For if the common man were to find out the secrets of the atom, than it could spell out disaster for the entire planet. In conclusion, Atoms are a substance of Mystery.