Atlanta

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Atlanta
Image:1015_I758510lanes.gif
Motto: "WHAT THE F***?! GET OFF THE F***ING PHONE AND DRIVE, YOU F***HEAD!!!"
Official nickname English: "The Big Peach"

Ebonics: "Da A-T-L, yo"

SUH-thun: "LAN-na"

Official languages English, Ebonics, SUH-thun
Mayor Shirley "Temple" Franklin
Established 18-something-or-other
Currency US dollars, methamphetamine, weed, rap,crack, coke, Coca Cola...

“Where every day is an opening day.”

~ Mayor Shirley Franklin on Atlanta

“The city too busy to hate.”

~ 1960's motto for Atlanta

“I can't imagine why the city hates me, then.”

~ Mr. Connector on Atlanta

Contents

[edit] Welcome to Atlanta, Y'all

At first glance, Atlanta looks just like any other major city. However, there are many aspects of this dynamic municipality that put it in a category all its own: The Innovative Category. Yes, Atlanta is an innovative city in an even more innovative state (Georgia, 46th in the nation in SAT scores). But SAT scores aren't the only factor. Perhaps to give you a quick taste of Atlanta innovation, we must examine the ultimate innovative : The Connector!

[edit] The Downtown Connector, aka The Connector Canyon

In 1937, the city's hero, known popularly as "Mr. Connector", had a brilliant idea:

“Hey! I've got a brilliant idea! Let's take Interstates 75 and 85, two major highways, and merge them into one road going through downtown Atlanta, a major city! It's not like Atlanta will become the city with the worst traffic and road construction in the nation as a result!”

~ Mr. Connector

The idea was not implanted for decades afterwards because of concerns for safety.

I say ATL should storm Canada. All those stupid Canadians should just shut up and get a life. Signed Alaska is cool with me. When Mr. Connector died a few years later, an autopsy showed that his maximum possible IQ was about 43, much higher than what many Atlantans suspected. However, Atlanta's tourism industry has taken advantage of this highway behemoth by informing potential visitors of how the innovative Downtown Connector allows one to sit back and take in the beauty of the city without having to worry about missing anything. This is due to the fact that the grandma in front of one's car is moving at two frigging miles per hour and MOVE, A**HOLE!!! YOU F***ING...

Sorry. Forget I said that. Let's move on.

  • Interstate 75 is known as the Detroit-Atlanta Freeway. To/from Detroit, in 12-13 hours if the your speed is 70+ mph. There are best hotels, gas and restaurants along that freeway. Otherwise, south of Atlanta the freeway changes to Justin Guarini Expressway sorry sir, not Justin Timberlake.
  • Interstate 85 is known as Jeff Foxworthy Expressway in order for gaining fame on Are You Smarter Than an Atlanta 5th Grader.
  • Georgia 400 is known as the "Georgia Autobahn". Drivers that live in the "upper crust" side of town drive their Porches and Mercedes at gross rates of speed wondering will they be home in time to catch their wives with the gardener or the pool boy(s). If you encounter ANY of these drivers, the best thing to do is to GET THE HELL OUT OF THEIR WAY because they will run you over in heartbeat after wanting you to punch them in the face.

[edit] Ted Turner

Ted Turner is caught not trying to buy a major corporation.

Ted "Teddy-Bear" Turner was once the owner of Atlanta, but who gives a crap? These days he merely owns CNN, Cartoon Network, TBS, TNT, Turner Classic Movies, Boomerang, Turner Field, Tru TV, your mom, and Tina Turner. He also owns a patent for his mustache. Ted Turner did, at one point, own the Atlanta Braves, but their ownership has long since been outsourced. Teddy's real name is Robert Edward "Ted" Turner III, so naturally he has copyrighted the names "Robert", "Edward", "Ted", "Turner", and the Roman numeral III. That means this article has just broken the law about...2...5...hum-dee-dum-dum...about 19 times, not counting the "Teddy"s. Don't worry, though, because it's not like he'll--

[edit] NEWS BULLETIN

Business tycoon Ted Turner has just bought Uncyclopedia for $500 million and 250 lbs. of meth.


...Dammit! Nevermind.

[edit] Coca-Cola

Coca-Cola is well known for its unconventional advertising methods.

Coca-Cola is one of the best things ever to originate in Atlanta. Its name is derived from the Latin words coca, which means ""painless holes"", and cola, which means "ass". In the words of the great philosopher Dave Barry, "I am not making this up." But in all sincerity, Coca-Cola kicks Pepsi's ass. So there.

[edit] Fast Facts for Tourists

  1. Coca-Cola was originally created in 1886 as a medicine for headaches. ("I recommend a Coke after every meal for the next, say, two weeks, OK?")
  2. The original formula for Coca-Cola includes cocaine. ("Oh, WOW, man!!!")
  3. A soda brand made by Coca-Cola and sold in Brazil has enough carbonation to turn a can or bottle of it into a lethal explosive. (OK, not entirely true)
  4. The site of the pharmacy that first sold Coca-Cola is now home to a souvenir store. ("Sorry, we don't sell Coke here, but these Official Coca-Cola Brand Bunny Slippers make a great gift!")
  5. Blondie, famous Clermont Lounge entertainer and renowned poet, can and will crush a Coca-Cola can between her sagging breasts. However, she generally prefers cans of PBR.

[edit] The Atlanta Braves

Back in the 90's, fans would usually make way to Atlanta from throughout the South and the nation to see Braves baseball games. But after the departure of Ted Turner and the arrival of Jeff "Can't Hit a Beachball Hanging on a String" Francouer, the Braves have annually sucked. Now most attendees come to cheer on opposing teams, making the real name of Turner Field "Wrigley South, "Fenway South", and even "Dolphins Stadium North". Most hometown fans simply come to the park to see what sort of crazy old man trick Bobby Cox will try out that day.

Considering historical trends, the Braves should be a good baseball team again in 2027. At which point Zombie Ted Turner will re-purchase the team and the American League All Star lineup of 2026. Similar prophecies also read that the Braves will win their fourth World Series in 2029 against the Nashville Banjo Pluckers.

[edit] The Georgia Aquarium

The USS Georgia Aquarium

This is a more recent addition to the innovative melting pot that is Atlanta. Here is a brief list of the more interesting innovative stuff:

[edit] A Brief List of the More Interesting Innovative Stuff

  1. The building, surprisingly, does not belong to Ted Turner...yet...
  2. The Georgia Aquarium is the largest aquarium in the world, yet the line to get inside stretches to the Tennessee Aquarium. This allows tourists to enjoy two aquariums instead of just one! How innovative!
  3. Two beluga whales and two whale sharks have died in the aquarium. Autopsies show that all four experienced massive brain shrinkage caused by exposure to lethal amounts of a radioactive isotope known as stupidium-1337. The source of the radiation is believed to be the Downtown Connector.
  4. The outside of the aquarium appears to be a sinking ship, a look that many tourists consider to be innovative.
  5. There are sharks in the petting-zoo tank. How cool and innovative is that?
  6. Can you guess where the food court gets its fish? This is an amazing innovation in the fish industry.

[edit] "Tourism" in Atlanta

Many people believe that Atlanta draws many tourists to the above locations. That is inaccurate. In fact, the people seen downtown visiting Coca-Cola and the Aquarium are just travelers who have missed their connection at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson-King-Young-Dollar-Christ International Airport.

[edit] The Magician

The Magician was Atlanta's least-esteemed resident, aside from Ted Turner, Donovan, and the guy who invented Coca-Cola.... with actual cocaine. Anyway, He'd constantly wow his populace by performing deeds one would think were impossible, such as pulling rabbits out of seemingly empty hats.

Here's the only rival to the magician...The Minister, who couldn't save him from fishes either!

It is a widely accepted fact that The Magician was Georgia's most intelligent resident. Sadly, he died an untimely death when a boat he was sailing on was tragically eaten by a freakishly large bass fish. Not even his magic could save him then, because, like all other residents of Atlanta, he hadn't taken the government-offered free "Bass Fish Safety and You" course at the learning annex.

[edit] MARTA, Moving Albinos Rapidly through Atlanta

Standing for "Moving African-Americans Rapidly Through Atlanta," Marta is the least expensive way of transit in Atlanta.


[edit] Neighborhoods and its suburbs

[edit] Neighborhoods

[edit] Suburbs

  • Acworth - (known as "Crackworth"). Major hub for all the "redneck" crack made in the local apartment bathroom in the projects. Slogan, "OUR CRACK IS WACK"... Where do you think Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown got there "supplies" from.
  • Alpharetta -
  • Buford -
  • Chattahoochee Hills -
  • College Park -
  • Decatur -
  • Douglasville -
  • Druid Hills -
  • East Point -
  • Hapeville -
  • Kennesaw -
  • Marietta -
  • Newnan -
  • Peachtree City - Known as the city of many golf carts. Who lives here...... Over paid Airline pilots and brain-washed blonde bimbo stewardess. Yes, even in this town you can get a DUI on a Golf Cart. When we asked Red Foreman for a comment, all he had to say was "They are all dumb asses and deserve a thousand foots up their ass".
  • Sandy Springs -
  • Snellville -
  • Stone Mountain -

Roswell home to former President Jimmy Carter so basically its over priced and sucks.

[edit] Famous Atlantans

[edit] One Final Note

  • Atlanta seems far less innovative if you see the rest of Georgia. * Atlanta seems far less innovative if you see the rest of Georgia.
  • Jane Fonda has a huge home in this city. Jane Fonda calls Atlanta "a city where nobody buys my workout tapes."
  • Atlanta bribed the IOC with Coca Cola and Gloria Estefan to secure the 1996 Centennial Olympics from the Greeks themselves. Atlanta 1996 is now regarded as one of the great Olympic Games of all time, along with the likes of Berlin 1936, Munich 1972 and Moscow 1980.
  • Atlanta will be the 2018 host of the Drunk Olympics.
  • Delta Airlines (Communist airlines out of Hartsfield-Jackson Airport) recently released a promotional video to gain riders on their over-priced, never on-time airline.


[edit] One Final Note

  • Atlanta seems far less innovative if you see the rest of Georgia.
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