Athena

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Athena

Athena respects tasteful things, such as this Persian (The first to be kitten huffed)

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Athena.

In Greek mythology Athena is known as the Goddess of Wisdom. She was also a protector of heroes and owls. Later on female Geeks adopted her too as they liked it how she could take on the boys and win. Athena preferred the company of men and would often dress like one with her short cropped hair tucked up inside a huge plumed helmet. She also was a work out fanatic and kept her body trim. Athena claimed she was a perpetual virgin and that no man would defile her. No mention was made of women so many Lesbians have claimed her too. Athena was very keen on Odysseus

Athena lived on Mount Olympus with the other Gods. When she wasn't there, you could find her hanging around with the Greek superstars like Heracles, Theseus and Perseus. The latter promised her the head of Medusa which Athena then stuck on her shield when that became mission accomplished. Medusa had once stolen Athena's lunch box when they were at school so that feud was very personal. Athena was very keen on Odysseus and saved him many times on his return back from Troy. The Mount Olympus rumour mill suggested their relationship was more than it appeared but Athena always denied she had let slip her vows. Her great rival the Goddess of Love Aphrodite tried everything to get Athena in love trouble but never succeeded.

edit Mythology

BrainTrepanning

Zeus's skull post Athena.

Athena is said to have born via her father Zeus's head. Her mother Metis had disappeared eight months previously, an absence explained by Zeus that 'she had gone a world cruise'. The truth was Metis had been swallowed by Zeus in one of those sex games the Olympians liked to indulge in. Metis was ten times cleverer than any Greek and Zeus hated 'brainy birds'. Despite this, Metis's baby daughter Athena grew up inside her father's body like a tumour. When the pain reached Zeus's head, he had painful headache and told his other Olympians that he was convinced he had 'a woman in my brain'.

Eventually Hephaestus persuaded Zeus to sit still whilst he did some amateur trepanning. The moment half of Zeus's skull fell off, out burst Athena fully grown and shouting abuse. Presumably she was naked too because Hephaestus asked to marry her. Athena refused and grabbed the tablecloth before stomping off to the ladies room at Olympus. Zeus declined to give his daughter to Hephaestus and instead gave away Aphrodite as the booby prize. Very apt.

This didn't stop other Gods wanting to have her as their bride/sex slave. Athena turned them all down and said she wanted an education instead and learn military skills. Zeus accepted this deal, guilty how he had treated her mother.

edit Worship of Athena

Athena1

Athena took up 'no knickers tennis' to keep her mind off sex.

The Geeks (including her ever faithful high priest kosh) firmly believed that anyone who did not spend at least an hour a day worshipping Athena would be unable to capture any Fluffy Ginger Kittens in the wild and would contract (and usually die from) ginger poisoning.

Athena demanded one human sacrifice every seven hours, on the hour, and another sacrifice every 13 hours and 30 minutes, on the dot. On the rare occasion that these timespans coincided, a feast was held in her honor and ten additional humans were sacrificed. These extravagant sacrifices are rumored to be one of the major causes of the downfall of the Geek empire.

edit Athena's Legendary Hardness

Athena was the classical embodiment of a hard bird. Hard as your nan, and if your nan is anything like mine, that's pretty damn hard. Apollo, was also known for being pretty hard, but she could always kick his arse because she was cleverer than him - this meant that she wanted to play with Lego more than he did, and so developed her fighting skills so as to be able to get the best bits before Apollo used them.

edit Pallas Athena

Athena is often called Pallas Athena. This means "the flashing-eyed Athena," an effect she achieved with electronic contact lenses. The electricity was supplied by Mesopotamian batteries made out of clay pots with lemon juice in them. Apollo is often called Phoebus Apollo, which means something else I can't remember.

edit Is There Any Proof That Athena Is/Was A Lesbian?

She now makes a living selling posters of sexy 'female' tennis players showing their bottoms. However, the tennis player in question is said to have actually been a man, alldhow it has been confirmed that she has had children with other godesses , so who knows? On the other hand her sister Artemis was DEFINITELY a lesbian. Makes you think, dunnit?

edit Did Athena really come from the head of Zeus and did Zeus swallow her mother?

Yes Athena was born from the head of Zeus. When Zeus found out that Metis, his first wife, was pregnant he was warned by Earth that if Metis would give birth to a son he would be mightier than him. Knowing this Zeus tricked Metis and swallowed her. After swallowing her he began getting these awful headaches. I'm talking DUDE THIS FREAKING HURTS type of headaches. So he ordered Hephaestus (Smith God) to open his skull. When he did, out came Athena wearing her mother's robe and helmet.

edit What about that other Athena? The one from those video games?

What, you mean the purple haired one who keeps changing her clothes and sings while beating up people? Why the hell would you want to care for her?

If you still do care about it, look here and here, then follow up the instructions and/or wait on that chair until a grue attends you.

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