Atheist Hell

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Heaven

This is what Heaven actually looks like. It is full of nuns patrolling for people with morals that seem priestly.

“Now, that is a "habit" I could get into!”
~ Oscar Wilde

Atheist Hell is a miserable, swirling torrent of pain, misery, and quarterly estimated taxes.

No; that is Regular Hell. Atheist Hell is a pleasant place full of fun, smart people, Mimosas with breakfast, never a cover charge, and not listening to old white people preach about talking plants.

Atheists, who do not believe in creation on the whim of a bearded man, a lifetime of temptation by God and Satan, nor the fear of eternal damnation, find nothing more heavenly than spending eternity in Atheist Hell.

Comparison to Regular Hell

Bush-presidential-pardons

This man would never be welcomed to Atheist Hell even if all those eagles on those flagpoles lined up and voted for it.

The primary difference between Atheist Hell and Regular Hell is that the latter is full of the so called "Unwanted" people of the earth, such as vampires, your Mom, and Obama; that is, "sinners."[1] Sinners who are not really sinners but are "good" are reportedly "saved" by a mystical being who is omnipotent plus omniscient — yes, Spider-Man.

Comparison to Heaven

Jesus Freaks picture Regular Heaven as an idyllic place, full of wonder and goodness. However, in fact it is a horrible, twisted place, not unlike its closest Earthly imitation: the inside of a Catholic High School. Regular Heaven is cold, dank, and drippy, and the Nuns have grown to fifty feet tall and have graduated from rulers to steel yardsticks so firm that the first "rap on the knuckles" renders the new arrival a paraplegic.

Of course, since it is Heaven, anyone who dies is respawned after waiting an obligatory ten seconds, just like in that dippy episode of Star Trek. The Nuns are controlled by super-Nuns whom they address as "Mother," who are in turn controlled by someone they call "the Holy Father," and he answers only to "God," though his real calling seems to be acolytes with firm buttocks.

Atheists, who are often told they are "going to Hell," do, in fact, always go to Hell. But they go to Atheist Hell, unlike their religious counterparts. In Atheist Hell, one finds pleasure, joy, happiness, and anything you ever really wanted but God refused to give you.[2]

Atheist Heaven

There is no Atheist Heaven. Atheists don't need one. In fact, atheists got rid of their Heaven years ago, as leasing two buildings was costing them a ridiculous amount of money.[3][4] So they just joined Atheist Hell and put everyone in the same place. The two buildings had the same stuff in them anyway. The move enabled atheists to eliminate redundant jobs, resulting in right-sizing the business. (Not that atheists were putting all that much in the collection plate to begin with.)

Other Atheist Hells

Technically speaking, most of the central United States, from Chicago westward to about Albuquerque, is an Atheist Hell. The atheist who finds himself in this Hell, sipping a beer on the front porch, will be visited by a steady stream of neighbors inviting him to services, prayer breakfasts, communion, and crap like that. They all offer to pray that God will make that unsightly growth on your upper lip go away. The visitors are very white (even the Negroes), as one just doesn't wear a suit coat and a tie to a burglary.

Hell Froze Over

Unlike the Christian Hell, Atheist Hell often "freezes over."

The atheist should hide the beer behind a potted plant and make up some excuse about having to unpack. Maybe the neighbors will leave. Maybe they will return, with scowls and torches, the first time any child at the grade school complains that a stranger touched him the wrong way.

The town of Hell, Michigan is also regarded as an Atheist Hell, though, as above, its three or four committed atheists have not gone out of their way to identify themselves (for fear of being committed).

Most of the "Silver Bullet" commercials for Coors diet beer are filmed in the fresh, invigorating, Alpine air of Atheist Hell.

Footnotes

  1. Notorious ways to become a "sinner" include murder, sex, believing in Divine Pasta, or anything else that's fun.
  2. This is one of the reasons you became an atheist anyway. No matter how many times you prayed for your parents, grandparents, foster parents, and friends, they were all murdered by an axe-wielding stalker from Seattle.
  3. Seriously. Have you ever tried leasing two entire buildings in Minneapolis?
  4. It's really expensive

See also

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