Atheism
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“Is God gonna come down here and trash your fucking Christmas lights because you believe in Him!?!? DO YOU WANT HIM TO FUCKIN TRASH EM!?!?!? Then why the fuck do you not believe in God!?!? GIMME A FUCKIN ANSWER!!! What don't you get about it?!?!? WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!?!?!”
~ Christian Bale to anonymous first grader
“Bow before the sept of the prophet Darwin for he gave us eternal light and brings forgiveness”
~ Richard Dawkins in concert
“Sounds good to me”
~ Jesus on Atheism
 ATTENTION TROLLS AND EVANGELICAN CHRISTIAN WEBSITES DEDICATED TO SPREADING THE WORD OF HIS HOLINESS GRAKTHAR: Please read the Beginner's Guide, and please be funny and not just stupid. |
Atheism (pronounced Eehtheism in Cantuckistanish) is a fundamentalist religion which dogmatically adheres to belief in the non-existence of the God that it doesn't believe in. It is a non-prophet organization, however it does have a few demigods such as Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Darwin. Ideal ways to kill the Atheist scourge include waving crucifixes at them, showing outright displays of faith, and saying "God bless you" when they sneeze. Modern anthropologists note that Atheism is as boring as hell, which Atheists don't believe in either.
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[edit] Atheist Beliefs
Because Athe is regarded as the highest and most advanced being in the universe, communication between Her and Her lowly creations is regarded as a blasphemous concept in Atheism. Atheists believe that to regard oneself as so important that Athe the almighty has time to stop watching TV just to listen your prayers is the ultimate case of egotism. Atheists don’t flatter themselves in that way. As such there are no holy scriptures in Atheism, and prayer, i.e., attempted communication with a superior being, is strictly forbidden. Anyone who dares to indulge in such activity as the perusal of scripture or prayer ceases to be an Atheist or gets slapped with a tuna; repeat offenders are slapped with a swordfish or turkey. Most Atheist converts will most probably read the Dummies' Guide to Atheism (a.k.a. The God Delusion). This is not obligatory though, since that is a very long and boring book designed primarily for 70 year old university professors reading by candlelight.
Here is an example of a highly-researched and grammatically sound response to atheism and Athe proposed by one of the atheist's many enemies, the fundamentalist: "Athiests are dog fuckers. they fuck dogs, they suck their mothers, they too scared to admit the truth, their heads are piles of pig shit with dog semen taht can't comprehend....they believe that the whole universe just magically appeared, what retard whores, they just say this because the athiests want to fuck their own fathers, gay whores. lets all hope that they die and go to hell, but wait a bit, they don't believe it until they get burnt by it."
- The lack of scripture or common prayer around which to nucleate a faith leaves Atheism a much less cohesive faith than, say, Christianity, Jainism, Pastafarianism or Islam . As no Atheist Church actually exists and congregations of Atheists are regarded as unholy (owing to the temptation to group prayer) the typical Atheist has little choice but to attack and challenge the beliefs of other religions, by studying and understanding science, then completely ignoring that and going on online forums to start flame wars. Most Atheists will talk more about God than the regular Theist (Theists being the mortal enemy of all Atheists just like Jeff Davis and Abe Lincoln). As such, on meeting an Atheist, the last thing you want to do is mention religion, because it will cause convulsions and Blowjob in the said atheist leading to a monologue on reasons why your particular deity doesn't exist and why the world would be better if everybody was an atheist zombie. The exception to this rule is people described as atheist by default, or ABD. These are people who happened to be brought up in a non-religious family, and hence were never introduced to one of the non-atheist gods. ABDs make up 1% of the atheist population while an Oxford professor and people who appear on Rod Liddle’s documentaries make up the remaining 99%. Agnostics despute the existence of ABDs arguing that they naturally have no idea what is going on.
- The fact that Athe is herself a divine deity is ignored of course. They might turn red and explode out of fury at just looking at a person carrying a Bible, although this is not a given because a large proportion of atheists are far too conceited to worry about anyone other than themselves. There are reports of Atheists entering Iowa and getting an allergic reaction.
- Every atheist will give his or her child at birth an "Athening", which is a ceremony during which a small brain chip is inserted into the child's brain (no particular lobe is necessary, just throw it in there and call it a day) so that the child will learn to love his new atheist brain-chip, and will never question the unchanging authority of human science... which is ever changing. This brain chip will (in most cases) cause the child to become extremely conceited, greedy, rude, condescending, and intolerant of anyone other than fellow atheists. He/She will especially hate Christians and ultra-right wing conservatives, despite the fact that their real enemy is the Muslims. This is why any ideas the atheist disagrees with are branded "Christian", and thus eligible to be removed from secular venues under the sacred law of church-state separation. After the chip is done, an atheist sticks his cock into the ear of the child and earfucks him to make him deaf so he cant find out the truth.
[edit] Atheist Mythology
Since Atheists are forbidden from believing in the existence of God, many assume that they believe in no supernatural being whatsoever. However, as their name indicates, they believe in Athe, a supernatural being with unlimited powers. Atheists attribute all inexplicable phenomena as her doing, such as helping embryos to develop, pushing the Earth around the sun and keeping all physical constants at the right value. Atheists refuse to classify Athe as a God, since that would contradict their fundamental doctrine that God doesn't exist. They even hesitate to use the term goddess, because it sounds so similar. As a result, even though they do believe in someone super cool and more powerful than mum/mom and dad combined, they are not eligible for legalized tax evasion.
Atheists don't pray to Athe, because they can't imagine how an all-powerful being could possibly have been powerful enough to listen to billions of humans talking at once. Nine out of ten supernatural beings like Thor, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Bruce Almighty and the Invisible Pink Unicorn agree that it is really hard and that you have no idea how totally hard it is until you try.
Athe however is not known to be real, and the person she speacks through often has his head stuck into his arse, it is because of this, that people believe Athe to be a arsehole.
[edit] Atheist Views on...
[edit] ...Religion
Atheists believe that living in your parent's basement, playing video games, and insulting religious people on internet message boards all day is an excellent and fulfilling lifestyle, and that all those who have not seen the light must be saved. They also believe that religion is not compatible with science, since their religion cannot be scientifically proven to be the correct one. (First Fundamentalist Church of Skepticism, Reformed) Also they consider that those who take the Bible, the Principia Discordia, the Necronomicon disregard that, the necronomicon kicks ass, and other religious books literally are mindless and spineless monkeys.
As a way of defying the church they will often sneak into church after church and replace the body of Christ with rice paper, replace the blood of Christ with wine, put up sculptures of the Christian Messiah being tortured, and set all the candles on fire.
They also believe that when someone sneezes, it is a crime to immediately retaliate with a curse of "God Bless you." It is considered blasphemous and biased towards their religion. Therfore, the Athiest charity of "Bless me not" was set up in 1970, which is now prospering well. The government was dragged into a debate about the proper response to an athiest sneeze in 2002, and one suggested response from Tony Blair was "When you die nothing happens." Eventaully, the debate went nowhere.
[edit] ...Abortion
Atheists believe that vampires have sucked the souls out of all Christians and that when they die, they will cease to exist. For this reason they insist that it is every woman's right to kill two week old undeveloped human embryos as well as 9 month old full term infants. They promote abortions for people who can’t be bothered to buy condoms, because they know that anyone who hasn’t used contraception must be a Christian, thus decreasing the competition. Calcium carbonate may ward off an atheist heartburn attack, if not, you must start praying immediately.
[edit] ...Dan Brown
Atheism is painted in a very crude and unpleasant way in the author Dan Brown's novels, in particular the portrayal of the Illuminati, a militant atheist organization which attempts to destroy the Vatican with a plot device. Some of the better known celebrity Illuminati members have spoken out against this portrayal of their society as closed and secretive, stating: "the Illuminati have always been an open and inclusive society dedicated to the destruction of organized religion around the world (fair enough, we're not doing a very good job Allahuh Ackbar!)—visit our website for information on how to join!"
[edit] ...Creation
Most Atheists think it rational to believe the universe emerged out of nothingness by itself for no reason at all. This avoids the many prickly questions about the meaning of life, since it has none. They argue that since something had to make man, and God is exactly the same as man, something had to make God. So what atheists say, to save time, is that a self-replicating molecule called DNA appeared around 3.5 billion years ago and since then that molecule has been doing its best to keep itself safe inside bacteria, plants and animals. These molecules were probably built by Darwin and then sent back in time with the help of his patented "Evolvinator". Once atheists have said that, they can go back to watching TV and tell the people who keep asking them these questions to stop asking them questions about things they don’t care about.
[edit] ...The Holocaust
One of the many unique challenges to an Atheist's faith is the question of the Holocaust. Why would God allow the Holocaust to happen if He doesn't even exist? They answer that it must be the fault of those who believe that God does exist. The belief in a God who commands the world not to murder and promises to punish all those who do makes everyone crazy murderers. If nonexistant God hadn't commanded people not to murder, no one ever would.
[edit] Evangelical atheists
For something that isn't a religion--nay, rejects religion--atheists ironically do an awful lot of evangelizing. You will never find an atheist sitting quietly at home, saying his un-prayers or reading his un-scriptures. They are all in court suing to overturn this or that. Take that reference to God off the currency! Get those crosses out of the military cemetery! Shut that chaplain up!
This exposes atheism's dirty little secret: That, for a defining lifestyle, it provides no way to "change the world" or "make a difference in the community," that is, get everyone to notice how you have it all figured out. The desire to go downtown and bother people is the evangelical branch of atheism. Its most notorious pain-in-the-ass was Madeleine Murray O'Hair.
Agnostics, not being sure whether God exists, agree that banknotes should not be sure whether God exists. But agnostics are also not sure they want to join the lawsuits.
Atheists in American courts tend to be opposed by conservatives, who note Christianity's place in U.S. history (though they wouldn't also put slavery on the $5 bill). Conservatives don't rebut the atheist but merely say the problem doesn't rise to the level of doing anything about it. "It's only words," they argue, like warrantless wiretaps. "Give me the name of one person who has been harmed!" (Conservatives get annoyed when this argument is turned back on them to support gay marriage.)
[edit] Do Atheists really exist?
There is a lot of controversy on the subject of whether or not Atheists really exist. For example, Satan is well-known for his beliefs that Atheists don't exist. The only evidence that Atheists exist is that they are talked a lot about in the Holy Scripture and the Bible (If by Holy Scripture, you mean Uncyclopedia). There is a small amount of evidence that Atheists exist. The fact that an Eagle Scout sued an organization because he was an Atheist is one piece of proof. This isn’t sufficient evidence though, because Michael Moore was an Eagle Scout and there’s little evidence to suggest he is real, so that means Eagle Scouts might not be real either.
The best way to look at this is using the scientific method, an (apparently) unlimited, infallible method applicable to everything, which is the product of fallible, finite human beings. The scientific argument goes as follows:
- Science is wrong, as was confirmed on page 24 paragraph 7 of The God Delusion aka the Atheist's Bible.
- Page 24 paragraph 7 is the most quoted section of TGD by atheists. This explains why the shorthand '24/7' appears in many different places around the world. Atheist evangelism seems to have a stronghold - onward atheist soldiers!
- Richard Dawkins (aka God) is planning a re-release of TGD in the Ancient Greek language. This way, atheist atheologians can debate over how to interpret it over the coming centuries, and whether it says atheists exist or not.
- Science can't answer the question of whether atheists really exist or not. However, atheists know that science can be applied to everything. Therefore, atheists assert that science CAN answer the question, but is just being lazy and playing hard to get.
- If Atheists are real then there must be some kind of repeatable experiment which shows that an Atheist can be produced.
- Carrying out the experiment once isn’t good enough because it can result in a false positive.
- Since an Atheist is always a human, and since humans are made from either mud or ribs depending on their gender, the only sensible way of carrying out the experiment is by bringing a wheelbarrow full of manure into a KFC restaurant. Manure is usually used as an air freshener in a KFC restaurant so this means the conditions can be set up many times over.
- Therefore, atheists might exist.
- Burp.
- Atheists technically do not exist as human beings because they are a lower species. If, therefore, a human being states they are an atheist, then they are experiencing what is known as a dichotomy paradox.
[edit] See Also
- Atheism (religion)
- Atheist
- Atheist huffing
- Antitheism
- Agnosticism
- Evil Atheist Conspiracy
- First Fundamentalist Church of Skepticism, Reformed
- George Carlin
- God doesn't believe in atheists
- New atheism
- Notsoccer
- Reasons to become an atheist
- Reasons to become an atheist/the funny version
- Reasons to become an atheist/the sensible version
- Right wing ranting
