From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“The difference between a professional dog-walker and an Atheist is that the former walks dogs for a living, while the latter doesn't believe in God.”
“Not my problem.”
“Why didn't the Atheist cross the road? He didn't believe in the other side.”
Atheism is the exciting belief in the non-existence of a non-deity's existence. Atheists main belief in life is that there are absolutely no absolutes. WHAT. One of the youngest and least recorded religions, Atheism stands out for its lack of scriptures, rituals, prophets, and other sacred paraphernalia. Atheism had become increasingly popular in the 21st Century and its popularity was projected to grow steadily as we approach the Apocalypse. Since the Apocalypse already happened (See: George W. Bush), it is said that the reign of atheists is now over... or is it...?
According to a 1998 scientological study conducted by the independent company Loyal Servants of Our Lady of the Weeping Misery of the Holy Mother of God and Friends, Atheism is more widespread than any other modern cult, including Catholicism. The study claimed that "they hath broughte a pox unto His land, and doth spreadst theire Vampyre seed amongst both schoolchild and man of Politick, hairdresser and window-dresser alike." In a three-part exposé, National Geographic reported that "Atheism is spreading in more than just a so-so way throughout God's land, gaining followers in countries as diverse as Easter Island and Africa."
In recent times, the cult has been the subject of heated controversy. Government sources have shown links between Atheism and homosexuality, pedophilia, and communism. Communities throughout the world have expressed a growing concern as an increasing number of role models such as Mike Tyson and Pat Robertson are exposed as practicing Atheists. The first prominent religious figure to address the Atheist Problem was Christian spokesman George W. Bush, who described Atheists as "a real threat in America, including to the rest of the world", and attributed the danger of Atheism to the fact that "you can't really tell them apart from regular folk. They're so hidden, so undercover, you could say they're almost indivisible."
After decades of receiving little to no attention from Acadaemia, Atheism has finally caught the interest of modern archaeologists, who have deemed Atheism boring enough to be worthy of prolonged study.
Reginald "sparky" Wharton IIIModern astrologists attribute the origins of Atheism to Reginald "sparky" Wharton III (1911-????), who, after twenty-five years of unsuccessfully praying for a New York City rent-stabilized apartment, publicly uttered his now famous words, "Fuck This", words which were to form the basis of the Atheist credo until Wharton's death two weeks later.
Wharton, struck by lightning while throwing rocks at children in Central Park, left virtually no documentation of his religious ideology: his only remaining belongings were two packets of ketchup and some illegible scribbles on a Burger King receipt. Wharton is said to have been cremated in Gunfire Creek, New Jersey, though neighbors claim his body was buried "somewhere out west". This allegation is further confused by the testimony of Geraldine Chan, Wharton's personal seamstress and joint proprietor of Hunan Happy Cleaner, Inc., who claimed in a 1974 interview that "Me no know him well, but pretty sure he bring two stained shirt and golf-style pants the Wednesday after police say he dead, so me no know much if report was right. But me think he a Atheist, ha ha."
Further doubt about Wharton's death was cast by the 1977 testimony of California grave robbers Pedro Antonio Lopez-Gonzalez-Torres and Juan Generico Perez-Caramba, who were apprehended in Amarillo, Texas for urinating on private property. While under police custody, they confessed, among other things, to have opened Wharton's casket a few months before their arrest, only to find "no bodily remains -- just a couple of packets of ketchup, and a pillar of salt".
Lopez-Gonzalez-Torres' and Perez-Caramba's testimony was dismissed as unconstitutional by the Armadillo County District Court of Appelations upon the discovery that their confessions had been extracted at gunpoint by police officer Rodney King, who made Lopez-Gonzalez-Torres confess to several crimes, including the murder of John F. Kennedy. However, the charges against the police department were dropped when the Armadillo County Bureau of Infinite Justice showed Lopez-Gonzalez-Torres and Perez-Caramba to be Russian illegal aliens, thereby rendering their testimony void and bringing to doubt their belief in Christ.
No further testimony was obtained from L-G-T and P-C, who were promptly executed by firing squad in the summer of 1978, shortly before the Armadillo County Court of Counter Appeals found them to be innocent.
Most Atheists deny that Wharton ever existed, citing insufficient tangible evidence.
Jeremiah "sparky" ChomskyThe legacy of Atheism was continued by the now-forgotten Austrian window-dresser Jeremiah "sparky" Chomsky (????-1977), who is said to have independently invented Atheism at approximately the same time as Wharton.
Chomsky, a staunch Atheist, categorically denied the existence of God and stubbornly refused to acknowledge any sort of supernatural event, despite having been reputedly approached by talking, spontaneously-combusting specimens of plant life on at least five different occasions in the summer of 1967 (the so-called Summer of Love), and various other times in the years following. After encountering a talking serpent during a hiking trip in downtown London, he wrote in his only surviving journal: "'Twas the freakiest thing I ever did see, a fluke of Evolution, or perhaps a side-effect of bodily fatigue, yet not unlike in its wonder to the burning sculpture of the Virgin that confronted me last week during my visit to the Aquarium. Nature is indeed a remarkable force."
Plagued by apparitions, Chomsky died of natural causes after being attacked by a flock of ravens while repairing the hot water heater in the basement of his beach house in Cancun, Mexico.
Atheist opinion of Chomsky is divided: many say there was no such man, or if there was, that there was nothing special about him, while other Atheists simply don't care.
Atheists believe in a Goddess, named Athe, however, they believe that she doesn't exist. Atheists live by the Atheist motto "No God, nowhere, regardless, period except for the Flying Spaghetti Monster of course.", though most choose to state this view using completely different wording. When confronted with questions regarding the Creation of Man, most Atheists adhere to the fundamentalist theories provided by their gods only son Richard Dawkins, who claims that the Earth was created accidentally by the Flaying Spaghetti Monster an un-supernatural huge random super-explosion called the Big Bang Meat Ball. The Big Bang Meat ball theory states clearly that this explosion was brought about by The Flaying Spaghetti Monster, who doesn't exist of course. Modern archaeologists dismiss this theory as "preposterous and unamerican."
A few Atheists, however, have expressed different yet equally shocking beliefs. Celebrity boxer and amateur theologian Mike Tyson, for example, said in an interview with Oprah that many Atheists do in fact believe in the story of Richard Dawkins, "so long as God isn't involved." Tyson is notable in that he is not only an Atheist, but also an Athlete.
The Atheists doctrine also known as the Richard Dawkins doctrine also know as the commandments of the Flaying Spaghetti Monster states
"Amongst ye chosen peoples, empirics, by No One In Particular, thou shalt forever refrain from organizing brethren in any purposes involving intent to worship or give thanks to the savior of all man, No One In Particular. Empirics with to do in any such togethering will be irrevocably 'banished, utterly rejected and forsaken by No One In Particular and condemned to spend all his remaining consciousness in the festering torture of Nowhere in Particular. (Hawking 3:22)"'
Many Atheists believe it's important that Richard Dawkins doctrine is of absolute importance. Atheists worship their God, "Flaying Spaghetti Monster", and their Gods only son Richard Dawkins.
Atheist Churches and Monasteries
There are far fewer Atheist churches than those of their God-fearing counterparts. As of this writing, the African American Commission of Atheist Churches in America and its Colonies (rarely referred to as the double-A.C, A.C., A.C) has reported the count of modern Atheist churches in the Industrialized World to be exactly zero.
Atheist majority countries
France is one, so is Russia and all of Eastern Europe (Soviet bloc), a few Scandinavian countries and pretty much the whole European continent. Atheism is catching up in Canada, Australia and Japan, any other free democratic industrial/developed country except America.
RitualsThough Atheist rituals vary widely by geographical location, they show a distinct pattern: meals are never preceded by any form of prayer, and the exterior of Atheist households is never adorned by anything that can be construed as a Holy Apparatus. All activities are conducted in a way that modern astronomers have referred to as "objectively heathen". National Geographic notes that Atheists seem particularly fond of tourism.
On weekends, Atheists often partake in rituals such as shopping, catching up with chores, and sitting around. These practices are often conducted in Athletic Wear, notably sweat pants, especially in South America. The question of circumcision is highly disputed among Atheist sects, and its practice varies widely depending on how convincing the surgeon was and whether the parents can afford it.
Though casual Atheists are virtually indistinguishable from God's people in terms of their appearance, the more active cult members (orthodox atheists), particularly those who practice tourism, show a predilection for topless nudity. These topless travelers tend to stay away from popular vacation hot-spots, and prefer to make pilgrimages to less-frequented haunts such as the Amazon Jungle or Canada.Though Atheists are by far the most common practitioners of topless tourism, God's children shouldn't be too quick to assume that all bare-breasted women are Atheists: while many of those found on the beaches of the Mediterranean are from a sect of Atheists known as Protestants, a substantial number of them are harmless, God-fearing Germans.
Normal folk are sometimes confused by Atheists who paradoxically wear religious emblems like the crucifix or the American flag. While some Atheists do in fact wear crucifixes, they normally do so for purely sacrilegious purposes and in acknowledgement of other Atheists such as Marilyn Manson and Christina Aguilera, as opposed to the more ceremonial use of the crucifix by pop celebrities such as the Pope and David Beckham.
Atheism in the Media
In 1982, the government-sponsored shockumentary An Unbiased View of Those on the Wrong Path declared Atheism to be "a disturbingly well-organized religious cult, with congregations and priests that mimic and mock those of our good people." The renowned documentary's most shocking scene showed a religious ceremony lead by a priest in a Lacrosse shirt and bell-bottoms mumbling words in an obscure tongue to an audience of naked prepubescent children. The scene was shot in what appeared to be a dreary, dark cellar. The documentary caused an uproar throughout the world that lead to the U.S. invasion of several Central American countries.
In the 1990s, however, a shockumentary by the Discovery Channel showed An Unbiased View to have used questionable methods of reporting that were a possible breach of the rules of journalism set forth by the Geneva Convention. The Discovery Channel hired prominent scientologists, most of whom were translators, to show that the previous documentary was nothing but a misunderstanding. The supposed gathering in a gloomy, dark basement was in fact filmed during daylight hours in a park in Sweden. Further scrutiny displayed that the obscure tongue spoken by the High Priest was actually Swedish, and that the alleged naked cultists were nothing more than Scandinavian children on a nudist field trip. Shortly after this discovery, U.S. Religious Leader George Bush Senior issued a formal apology to the government of Nicaragua, "even though you have to admit you're better off than before the invasion", and proceeded to bomb Iraq instead, out of principle.
Atheism and the LawThe practice of Atheism is legal throughout most of the world, with the exceptions of China (unless it's the state atheism with Mao as its' god), North Korea (with Kim Jung Il in his "cult of personality"), the Muslim countries, Singapore, and the United States of America. In another blatant attempt to suck up to the American government, Great Britain has expressed intentions to outlaw Atheism.
The treatment of Atheist suspects varies among the Muslim countries. In less tolerant nations such as Saudi Arabia, Atheism is punishable by flogging or decapitation, depending on how devout the suspect is, whereas in more lenient, progressive nations such as Syria, Atheism is largely overlooked when the suspects are male, but is punished by publicly urinating on the perpetrator and then stoning her to death in the case of a female suspect.
In Singapore punishment ranges from a two thousand dollar fine to death by electric chair, a policy similar to that of the state of Texas in the U.S. They began to ponder the use of ovens and gas showers.
Neckbeards, or Reddit Atheist
Reddit's /r/atheism sub-site is a website dedicated to bashing all other religions and upholding the belief that Atheism is the one true way. They usually outwit their opponents by using logic, reason, and memes. Science is sometimes used, but only the science that requires faith to believe in (see Evolution). These scientists were dubbed the "Neckbeards" by various fundamental religious groups. This is because their beards only grow on their neck instead of on their face like normal human beings.
Their master prophet, the great Carl Sagan, has been dead for quite some time yet his spirit (lol) remains in their hearts and he prophecies through their text. This is why most Reddit Atheist have so much bravery to post the things they do, usually presented in the form of a Facebook snapshot of them totally owning some fundie idiot friend of theirs. Sagan Scripture indicates that each Atheist is blessed accordingly.
"Blessed are the strong in bravery, for they shall inherit science awards in middle school Blessed are the long in neckbeard hair, for they shall receive big breast and moist vaginas Blessed are the logical debates of followers, for their words will be guided by my word Blessed are the ones with Facebook accounts, for they shall forever alone eventually. (Sagan 3:16)"'
Atheism is also the most persecuted religion in the entire world, according to many Reddit Atheist such as NukeThePope. For example, in AmeriKKKa, persecution arises whenever they receive allowance money from their parents which clearly has "In God We Trust" written on it. They usually deface the money by marking out 'God' and replacing it with the word 'Science'. According to their charter, Christians/Jews/Muslims are "literally Hitler".
Reddit Atheist have concluded that a homosexual is automatically the same thing as them because of similar oppression. Steven Spielberg, a fellow atheist, has confirmed at Comic-Con 2012 that he is working on a homoerotic film based on a homosexual atheist man who is persecuted by the world and not allowed to marry their gay cousin who is 12 years old. The film is called, "Brave-Hard", and is set to begin production in 2113.