Aswan

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“What's with all the goddamn monkeys?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aswan

Königreich als wenn
Kingdom of Aswan
Aswan
Aswen flag Aswen coat of arms
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "10110010001"
Anthem: "Affe sieht Affen tun"
Aswenmap
Capital Winahoek
Largest city Groofgontein
Official language(s)
Government Monarchy
Supreme Ruler of All Bubba Warmbad
National Hero(es) The guy who cured Malaria]
Declaration
 of Independence
1474 from Germany
Currency Pebbles
Religion Monkey Worship
Population 4 humans and a bunch of monkeys!
National Sport Gambling

Welcome to Aswan. We are a land of great mystery and fun. We mainly are monkeys here, but we also let others in. We allow visitors to our land of beer and gambling, but there is a price.

edit Aswan Rulership

First you must know that Aswan has a king and he is Bubba, Supreme Ruler of All. His brother Louie owns many construction businesses. Alas, he does not share his wealth, for he is responsible for the entire Aswan electric bill. That is a plus, and if you need a house or apartment contact Bubba Realty at ineedyourmoney.com. Tell them of this ad and receive a ten percent increase in price. Remember, we pay the electric bill.

edit Aswan Commerce

  • Beer here is a set price, even if you bring your goat. Louie also runs a nightclub in Aswan called Pumpkin Pie... yes - everyone gets free pie...
  • If you need anything special, just see one of the monkeys who are wearing a number wherever you're at.
  • The casinos here are crooked - but money has no value anyway...
  • The monkeys value car keys... the nicer the car, the more the value. Some keys that are shiny are also worth more.
  • Remember:
    • If in a jam, give the monkey(s) something shiny...
    • Monkeys also take money because they use it for wallpaper.
  • Beware of giving the monkeys payment before receiving your goods, because although they will not rob or jack you, they will retrieve what you wanted, and then borrow it from you before you have a chance to receive it... Oh no! I just borrowed it!

edit Population of Aswan

The official monkey census places our current population at 76, but as monkey census taking inevitably involves significant monkey-business, there are likely more. On top of that, the King and Prince are not included in the official count. We believe there are 138 to be more exact, but we have signs going up to #56,348, in anticipation of future expansion... And it allows us to keep the tourists clueless as to our plans of World Domination.

  • 13 Spider Monkeys
  • 28 Asian Snow Monkeys
  • 8 Baboons, who are friends of some Monkeys
  • 4 Guys, who refer to themselves as "The Monkees"
  • 12 African Chimpanzees
  • 13 Orangutans
  • 18 African Patas Monkeys
  • Somewhere between 6 and 243 "Other" Monkeys of varying sub-species

edit Aswan Labor Union

To help out with things, the monkeys rent themselves out to numerous people during the day (like "Labor Ready") to help. If you need anything, they can try to screw it up for you... With a smile!

If this monkey upsets you he will get his manager... this means he will go and put on a hat, then returns to see if he can help. Beware: if they upset you (which is quite often intentional), they will trade numbers with the others - so even if you think you know which one to be mad at, they will be long gone.

So remember, when visiting Aswan: bring plenty of car keys and Coca-Cola. Oh yeah: have a good time! Or Else.

edit Legal Considerations

Street racing is not allowed in Aswan - unless, of course, enough bets are placed...

edit Location

To get here go to your nearest corn field and then from the north-east corner, go right three rows and then in 26. From here, use your Aswan cell phone from Virgin Mobile and call for further instructions because, as the earth rotates, the location of the door is different from day to day. Or, if you don't have a an Aswan phone, you can register at ireallyneedyoutogivemeyourmoney.com. If needing to call we have a phone number, but I dont know if we can give it to you. If you want the number, please take the following quiz:

edit Aswan Locationary Engineering Quiz

Question 1. If a dog is running and starts to go into the woods, how far can he actually run into the woods?

A.__________________________________________________________


Question 2. A butcher stands six feet tall. What does he weigh?

A.___________________________________________________________

Question 3. If you were to mess with Hobbes, you would:

A. Be salmon food
B. Get mangled by Bob
C. Be charged for a new car on your credit card.
D. Apologize and be sincere about it--with chocolate and hot cocoa
E. All of the above
F. All of the above--plus a lottery ticket.
G. All of the above--plus a lottery ticket, and you will take Hobbes to the circus, 'cause you feel really badly.


Please submit your answers in numbered format to whoreallygivesacrap@idont.com. If you correctly answered the questions, we will send you a confirmation PIN. Then you must dial 1-900-867-5309 and give us this PIN, your credit card information, your Social Security Number (or equivalent) and the rights to all your personal property.

If you receive an email claiming you're stupid 'cause you answered incorrectly, call your local Endangered Species Support Group and make a donation - it'll make you feel better about not helping to save the White Tigers.

edit World Domination

We hope to someday dominate the world. As far as accomplishing this goal though, we have no plans as of yet, but remain confident in the belief that our victory is inevitable. Incidentally, if any of you happen to have a plan of world domination compatible with monkey physiology and admittedly limited attention spans, let us know, we'll negotiate a trade involving some beer, and maybe some cheap whiskey, too.

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