Assemblage 23

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Tomshear

The aryan-bearded man himself...check out them cheek bones.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Assemblage 23.

Assemblage 23 was formed sometime during the Civil War, after lead harpsichord player Tom Shear witnessed a travelling hardcore industrial band (that has since remained nameless) reciting the popular country song "Stand By Your Man".

Tom Shear is so... perfect. Absolutely flawless. That's why most of his songs focus on blaming others, not himself. Maybe he has a guilty conscience. Maybe he's in denial. Only the dissection of his electronic synth-pilgrimage will tell.

Lets do it donkey style!

edit The Beginning

Tom Shears' Kit

The early tinklings of Tom Shears work were created on this beautiful piece of hand-crafted equipment.

Like most teenage boys, Shear spent a lot of time in his bedroom. Unlike most boys though he wasn't fapping his teenage years away. No, somehow he managed to find time to fap his years away and write classical pieces that would be stolen by The Master and later sold to Handel, the most controversial member of The Doors and well known male prostitute.

The joke was on Handel, though. Shear's early work proved to be terrible and Handel was forced to rewrite most of it. The work was instead released by Shears under the moniker of 'One Man And His Dog'. Shear had smoked so heavily since 7 years of age that he couldn't actually speak, so he used samples of his dog Daisy C to form the lead vocal track. This was an innovative move, as most industrial/techno artists at the time preferred to gather samples from Robocop. During early live performances, Tom Shear allowed Daisy C to take centre stage while he sat behind his Waldorf Microwave XtK Synthesizer and played with the knobs and switches.

edit The Next Bit

After a quasi-fatal operation upon his voice pipe Shear went bald and was forced to fire Daisy C for mocking his shiny head. Shear was distraught and turned to beard cultivation. Many years of this proved thereputic and as a result he grew his own beard in juxtaposition with his eyebrows to pay homage to this new found technique of relaxation therapy which he entitled 'Healing through the Inner Beard'.

After the departure of lead vocalist and long time friend, Daisy C, Shear was forced to take up the microphone himself, being far too cool for friends. He formed 'Assemblage 23' (Pronounced: Assemblage Twenty Three) which can also be abbreviated to 'A23' or 'ATT'. Not to be confused with one of the UK's busiest roads, running from Brighton to London and back, The Association of Taxation Technicians, or assembly language for the obscure Intel 2386 CPU.

edit The Bit After That

It took aeons for A23 to finally score a record deal. Many dragons were slain, fridge magnets were invented and Whigfield had a number one hit with 'Saturday Night' which featured a sample from a 'One Man And His Dog' song. Shear lost all will to live as he was running low on proteins and microfibrous clothing, and lost his beard while listening angrily to Whigfield's awful hit. He later grew it back in various styles and shades of aryan blond.

The year nineteen hundred and ninety-nine saw A23 registered up to Canadian label 'Sweaty Gash' and the release of his first proper album since Daisy C was lost to the waves of time - 'Contempt'. It featured two tracks inspired by Whigfield, 'Never Forgive' and 'Skyquake'. The latter is based on a recurring dream in which Shear is God of all things and crushes the Eurovision Song Contest with his mighty fists.

The next album to be released was 'Failure' in the year of the scaly, legless, sometimes venomous reptiles with tongue of fork. Singles were released from it, but no one really heard them other than the cyber-goths in Germany and Shear's new pet gecko, 'Gex', which resided in a home forged from the toughest industrial metal - Voivoid.

edit Angry Tom. ARRGH!

After a fall-out with the leaders of the Sweaty Gash tribe, Tom betrayed Canada and sided with the U.S. by joining the Neopolitan label of recording and ice cream. Neopolitan capitalised on his previous success by copying Sweaty Gash and making albums that went by the same names as Shear's last two albums. Only this time, in a cunning move, they put exactly the same songs on the albums.

By this point A-sexual 23 had become quite popular amongst all the young dudes of the 'Electronic Body Music' cult and decided to rip them off in a similar fashion to the record companies. A23 remixed some of their songs and claimed it as an entirely new album called 'Add and den dun'. This was a stupid move by Shear as he could have actually made some friends.

edit Career

Shear continues to produce albums and write sad songs about betrayal, anger, misery, becoming God, suicide and drug trips. It is the closest a non-mainstream musician can get to success without writing songs for Hannah Montana. Shear tours the world occasionally, and many fans dance to his music and buy his T-shirts. Then he goes home and writes some more songs about how miserable he is and how much his life sucks. Be happy for him.

edit Live

When playing live, Shear splits into three separate bodies. Contrary to popular belief, this process is not accomplished by shearing. Baking under the warmth of the stage lights causes a light sweat to occur, and shortly after this, Tom falls to the ground as his skin begins to bubble and effervesce. Shear's alter-egos Paul Seegers and Kevin Choby jump from his back, and prior to taking up their places behind a set of modern-day harpsichords and high-tech drumming equipment, they get dressed.

Whilst Tom is a master of his art, he is slightly lacking in the musicial talent section. Playing multiple instruments at the same time is not his forté which is why he undergoes this transformation night after night. He is truly dedicated to his cause, whatever that cause may be. Well done, matey.

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