Assassins from the future

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In [[1994]], [[future]] [[assassination]] replaced [[heart]] [[disease]] as the leading killer in the [[The Free World|First World]]. [[Doctor|The American Medical Association]] says [[63]] [[number|percent]] of the [[U.S.]] population is at risk of being gunned down to stop the rise of a [[soul]]-killing dystopia in an unknown time and in an unknown dimension.
 
In [[1994]], [[future]] [[assassination]] replaced [[heart]] [[disease]] as the leading killer in the [[The Free World|First World]]. [[Doctor|The American Medical Association]] says [[63]] [[number|percent]] of the [[U.S.]] population is at risk of being gunned down to stop the rise of a [[soul]]-killing dystopia in an unknown time and in an unknown dimension.
   
Barred from returning to their own times, assassins from the future are one of the fastest growing minority groups in [[North America]] and [[Europe|Western Europe]]. They often face widespread [[segregation|discrimination]], particularly in [[Europe]], although the vast [[Army|majority]] are harmless once they complete their primary [[Paris Hilton|mission]] and revel in the [[peace]] their murderous deed will bring to the [[world]]. Relishing the order and sanity of a reality that never bred [[Fossil|trilobyte]] [[slave|slaves]], most assassins from the future go into chartered [[accountant|accountancy]] and embrace a life of calm and quiet. In the [[United Kingdom]], assassins from the future are the [[Liberal Democrats|Liberal Democrats']] biggest constituency.
+
Barred from returning to their own times, assassins from the future are one of the fastest growing minority groups in [[North America]] and [[Europe|Western Europe]]. They often face widespread [[segregation|discrimination]], particularly in [[Europe]], although the vast [[Army|majority]] are harmless once they complete their primary [[Paris Hilton|mission]] and revel in the [[peace]] their murderous deed will bring to the [[world]]. Relishing the order and sanity of a reality that never bred [[Fossil|trilobite]] [[slave|slaves]], most assassins from the future go into chartered [[accountant|accountancy]] and embrace a life of calm and quiet. In the [[United Kingdom]], assassins from the future are the [[Liberal Democrats|Liberal Democrats']] biggest constituency.
   
 
==History==
 
==History==
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[[Political]] leaders have faced attempts on their [[life|lives]] through all of [[civilization|civilization's]] [[time|ages]]. Historians traditionally believed statesmen were killed by their [[Republican Party|opponents]], [[crazy|lunatics]] or those seeking [[famous|fame]]. Today, it is known that assassins from the future were responsible for 99 percent of these murders. [[Man|Man's]] fate has always been determined by desperate killers from an unimaginable [[tomorrow]], and these terminators caused every major event in human history, from the death of [[Jesus]] to the reunion of the [[Spice Girls]].
 
[[Political]] leaders have faced attempts on their [[life|lives]] through all of [[civilization|civilization's]] [[time|ages]]. Historians traditionally believed statesmen were killed by their [[Republican Party|opponents]], [[crazy|lunatics]] or those seeking [[famous|fame]]. Today, it is known that assassins from the future were responsible for 99 percent of these murders. [[Man|Man's]] fate has always been determined by desperate killers from an unimaginable [[tomorrow]], and these terminators caused every major event in human history, from the death of [[Jesus]] to the reunion of the [[Spice Girls]].
   
In the ''[[Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]],'' one of the greatest [[copy|mimeographed]] flyers in the [[English]] language, [[Edward the Gibbon|Edward Gibbon]] wrote:
+
In the ''[[Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]],'' one of the greatest [[copy|mimeographed]] fliers in the [[English]] language, [[Edward the Gibbon|Edward Gibbon]] wrote:
   
 
''The story of its ruin is simple and obvious: assassins from the future.''
 
''The story of its ruin is simple and obvious: assassins from the future.''
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{{cquote|If these future assassins exist, where are they? If they can easily travel through the [[fourth]] dimension and reach the present time, why haven't they -- [[AAAAA!|AAAAAAAAA!!!]]}}
 
{{cquote|If these future assassins exist, where are they? If they can easily travel through the [[fourth]] dimension and reach the present time, why haven't they -- [[AAAAA!|AAAAAAAAA!!!]]}}
   
Students fled in terror as [[Army|marines]] from the year 5287 set Fermi on [[fire]]. This was taken as final proof of assassins from the future, and Fermi won a posthumous [[Nobel Prize]] in Physics in 1952 for his work. Accepting the prize on his behalf, Fermi's wife was gunned down by marines from the year 5288.
+
Students fled in terror as [[Army|marines]] from the year 5287 set Fermi on [[fire]]. This was taken as final proof of assassins from the future, and Fermi won a posthumous [[Nobel Prize]] in Physics in 1952 for his work. Accepting the prize on his behalf, Fermi's wife was gunned down by marines from the year 5286.
   
 
Since Fermi's [[death]], [[million|millions]] of assassins from the future have traveled to the [[present]], hoping to prevent some future catastrophe and find work in the various service [[business|sectors]] of the economy. Assassins from the future are the fourth largest minority group in the United States and have sent 12 representatives and two [[Senate|senators]] to [[Congress]].
 
Since Fermi's [[death]], [[million|millions]] of assassins from the future have traveled to the [[present]], hoping to prevent some future catastrophe and find work in the various service [[business|sectors]] of the economy. Assassins from the future are the fourth largest minority group in the United States and have sent 12 representatives and two [[Senate|senators]] to [[Congress]].
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Despite the numerous [[time|times]] assassins from the future call home, the four largest groups are:
 
Despite the numerous [[time|times]] assassins from the future call home, the four largest groups are:
   
*'''Volunteers.''' 21 percent of assassins from the future volunteered to step into Dr. Chandrasekhar's [[Time|Chronotronic]] [[The Matrix|Matrix]] as the [[robot]] intelligence pierced the Resistance defenses. Volunteers tend to go into into the [[computer|IT]] industry, spurred by their technological knowledge and the agonized screams of the doctor as the robots began firing.
+
*'''Volunteers.''' 21 percent of assassins from the future volunteered to step into Dr. Chandrasekhar's [[Time|Chronotronic]] [[The Matrix|Matrix]] as the [[robot]] intelligence pierced the Resistance defenses. Volunteers tend to go into the [[computer|IT]] industry, spurred by their technological knowledge and the agonized screams of the doctor as the robots began firing.
 
*'''Elite imperial guards.''' 12 percent of assassins from the future are here to prevent Baron Pausanias' rebellion against Emperor Padishaw III (Blessed and Holy His Name, My [[Blood]] For His [[Life]]). The imperial assassins are one of the fastest growing groups in [[France]], as the increasingly paranoid emperor crushes [[Democratic Party|opposition]] in his time and ours.
 
*'''Elite imperial guards.''' 12 percent of assassins from the future are here to prevent Baron Pausanias' rebellion against Emperor Padishaw III (Blessed and Holy His Name, My [[Blood]] For His [[Life]]). The imperial assassins are one of the fastest growing groups in [[France]], as the increasingly paranoid emperor crushes [[Democratic Party|opposition]] in his time and ours.
 
*'''[[Sheep]] "clones."''' From Brian Trueman's [[BBC]] report, March 6, 1997:
 
*'''[[Sheep]] "clones."''' From Brian Trueman's [[BBC]] report, March 6, 1997:
Line 39: Line 39:
 
An explosion rocked the [[TV|studio]], cutting the broadcast and killing Trueman and six [[BBC]] technicians. Investigators reported "an unusual amount of [[wool]]" at the crime scene.
 
An explosion rocked the [[TV|studio]], cutting the broadcast and killing Trueman and six [[BBC]] technicians. Investigators reported "an unusual amount of [[wool]]" at the crime scene.
   
*'''[[Sex|Sexy]] killers from the future'''. Assassins from the future are often seen as seductive temptresses in [[Cow Udders Caught in Barbed Wire|leather]] jumpsuits who can only complete their mission by having nonstop [[sex]] with their prey until they die of a [[heart]] attack. This stereotype, propagated by the [[media]] and [[Hollywood]], has haunted the assassin [[city|community]] for years: The only confirmed sexy assassin attack took place against former New York governor [[New York|Nelson Rockefeller]] in [[1979]]. In reality, lithe and buxom terminatrixes who make angry love to their targets until they die of [[good|blissful]] exhaustion are a very tiny proportion of the assassin from the future population. They are, however, the most popular.
+
*'''[[Sex|Sexy]] killers from the future'''. Assassins from the future are often seen as seductive temptresses in [[Cow Udders Caught in Barbed Wire|leather]] jumpsuits who can only complete their mission by having nonstop [[sex]] with their prey until they die of a [[heart]] attack. This stereotype, propagated by the [[media]] and [[Hollywood]], has haunted the assassin [[city|community]] for years: The only confirmed sexy assassin attack took place against former New York governor [[New York|Nelson Rockefeller]] in [[1979]]. In reality, lithe and buxom terminatrices who make angry love to their targets until they die of [[good|blissful]] exhaustion are a very tiny proportion of the assassin from the future population. They are, however, the most popular.
   
Other future assassin subsets include [[Star|Tau Ceti]] paratroopers, [[Mole]] people, [[Toyota]] Priuses (scheduled to achieve self-awareness on August 29, 2019), [[North Dakota|Dakota Fanning's]] commandos, and [[horse|horses]].
+
Other future assassin subsets include [[Star|Tau Ceti]] paratroopers, [[Mole people]], [[Toyota]] Priuses (scheduled to achieve self-awareness on August 29, 2019), [[North Dakota|Dakota Fanning's]] commandos, and [[horse|horses]].
   
 
==Lifestyle and culture==
 
==Lifestyle and culture==
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Assassins from the future are relentless in carrying out their primary [[Lawyer|objectives]], and have been known to destroy [[house|rooms]], [[White House|houses]] and entire [[dog]] shows to eliminate their targets. The successful completion of their missions, however, effectively prevent them from returning to their own time, and the killers must assimilate into modern society, enroll in [[business]] and [[real estate]] courses and become courteously deferential to outsiders.
 
Assassins from the future are relentless in carrying out their primary [[Lawyer|objectives]], and have been known to destroy [[house|rooms]], [[White House|houses]] and entire [[dog]] shows to eliminate their targets. The successful completion of their missions, however, effectively prevent them from returning to their own time, and the killers must assimilate into modern society, enroll in [[business]] and [[real estate]] courses and become courteously deferential to outsiders.
   
Not all future assassins make the transition easily. Many assassins will attempt to get rich quick by buying stock or [[lottery]] tickets, unaware of the effect of their actions on the timestream. Future assassins purchased millions of dollars in stock in [[television|RCA]] in the 1920s, unaware that the murder of [[Warren G. Harding]] effectively prevented research into the Anti-[[Gravity]] Musical. The speculation led to the [[Wall Street Crash of 1929]]. Upon taking office in [[1961]], [[John F. Kennedy]] introduced the Commodities Act, which banned all Earls of the [[Canada|Canadian]] Hegemonic Empire from stock-trading.
+
Not all future [[ass]][[ass]]ins make the transition easily. Many assassins will attempt to get rich quick by buying stock or [[lottery]] tickets, unaware of the effect of their actions on the timestream. Future assassins purchased millions of dollars in stock in [[television|RCA]] in the 1920s, unaware that the murder of [[Warren G. Harding]] effectively prevented research into the Anti-[[Gravity]] Musical. The speculation led to the [[Wall Street Crash of 1929]]. Upon taking office in [[1961]], [[John F. Kennedy]] introduced the Commodities Act, which banned all Earls of the [[Canada|Canadian]] Hegemonic Empire from stock-trading.
   
 
Many [[Suburban homeboy|suburbs]] are uneasy when assassins from the future move in, but 99.9 percent of all assassins from the future find their bloodlust sated after altering the timestream, and enjoy quiet [[Sunday|Sundays]] with family, barbecues, [[fusion]] [[cat]] races and public sex-a-thons.
 
Many [[Suburban homeboy|suburbs]] are uneasy when assassins from the future move in, but 99.9 percent of all assassins from the future find their bloodlust sated after altering the timestream, and enjoy quiet [[Sunday|Sundays]] with family, barbecues, [[fusion]] [[cat]] races and public sex-a-thons.
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[[Image:Assassination5.jpg|thumb|200px|Billy, I know you're upset. But you don't know what that dog will do to the president. And what the president will do to dogs. And how the dogs will fight back. And how we'll be trapped in the crossfire.]]
 
[[Image:Assassination5.jpg|thumb|200px|Billy, I know you're upset. But you don't know what that dog will do to the president. And what the president will do to dogs. And how the dogs will fight back. And how we'll be trapped in the crossfire.]]
   
Assassins from the future have faced [[hate|hatred]] and misunderstanding since first appearing at the [[sun|dawn]] of time. [[BNP|Demagogues]] have incited mobs against these time travellers, claiming they threatened the very fabric of society, when they only threaten the ancestors of Dr. Thorvald Blackheart.
+
Assassins from the future have faced [[hate|hatred]] and misunderstanding since first appearing at the [[sun|dawn]] of time. [[BNP|Demagogues]] have incited mobs against these time travellers, claiming they threatened the very fabric of society, when they only threaten the ancestors of Dr. Thorvald Blackheart.
   
 
Assassins from the future began [[Political advertising|political organization]] in the 1840s. In 1848, future assassins and sympathizers gathered in Seneca Falls, [[New York]] to draft their "[[Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Sentiments]]," arguing "All [[men]], [[women]], people from the [[future]], evolved [[dog|dogs]] and alien overminds are created equal." Frances Q-12 Robinson, who killed [[William Henry Harrison]] seven years earlier, told the 400 people in attendance that "neither prejudice nor cowardice shall prevent us from taking our rights." While Robinson was later stabbed to death by victims of her great-grandson's [[sun|solar]]-[[power|powered]] [[nuts|crotch]] [[soccer|kicker]], the struggle continued. By [[1961]], 49 states had legalized murder when the future is at [[Joan of Arc|stake]].
 
Assassins from the future began [[Political advertising|political organization]] in the 1840s. In 1848, future assassins and sympathizers gathered in Seneca Falls, [[New York]] to draft their "[[Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Sentiments]]," arguing "All [[men]], [[women]], people from the [[future]], evolved [[dog|dogs]] and alien overminds are created equal." Frances Q-12 Robinson, who killed [[William Henry Harrison]] seven years earlier, told the 400 people in attendance that "neither prejudice nor cowardice shall prevent us from taking our rights." While Robinson was later stabbed to death by victims of her great-grandson's [[sun|solar]]-[[power|powered]] [[nuts|crotch]] [[soccer|kicker]], the struggle continued. By [[1961]], 49 states had legalized murder when the future is at [[Joan of Arc|stake]].
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*''Some things need to be destroyed before revealing their [[evil]] purpose. For everything else, there's [[MasterCard]].''
 
*''Some things need to be destroyed before revealing their [[evil]] purpose. For everything else, there's [[MasterCard]].''
   
{{VFH}}
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{{FA|date=30 January 2009|revision=3587047}}
   
 
[[Category: Things that invoke feelings of doom]]
 
[[Category: Things that invoke feelings of doom]]
 
[[Category: Things that may be out to get you]]
 
[[Category: Things that may be out to get you]]
[[Category: Things that are evil]]
+
[[Category:Things that may give you bad grades]]
 
[[Category: Things That You Wouldn't Think Are Evil, But Actually Are]]
 
[[Category: Things That You Wouldn't Think Are Evil, But Actually Are]]

Latest revision as of 07:41, May 25, 2011

Assassination3
Agent 3X27 (far right) completed his mission against Spencer Perceval in 1812, sparing the world untold horrors. You don't understand. And I pray you . . . never . . . will.

The term Assassins from the future describes a number of different killers from different times and dimensions who travel to the present to save the future from the horrors of Crab War III, the War of the Successive Succession, the totalitarian dictatorship of Benny Hill and an infinite number of terrifying possibilities. Assassins from the future pray that you never contemplate the horror they can never forget, moments before they blast you into a thick goo.

In 1994, future assassination replaced heart disease as the leading killer in the First World. The American Medical Association says 63 percent of the U.S. population is at risk of being gunned down to stop the rise of a soul-killing dystopia in an unknown time and in an unknown dimension.

Barred from returning to their own times, assassins from the future are one of the fastest growing minority groups in North America and Western Europe. They often face widespread discrimination, particularly in Europe, although the vast majority are harmless once they complete their primary mission and revel in the peace their murderous deed will bring to the world. Relishing the order and sanity of a reality that never bred trilobite slaves, most assassins from the future go into chartered accountancy and embrace a life of calm and quiet. In the United Kingdom, assassins from the future are the Liberal Democrats' biggest constituency.

edit History

Assassin1
Tyra, last of the King's grenadiers, successfully terminates the bloodthirsty James A. Garfield. Tyra asked Charles J. Guiteau to "keep an eye on my gun" as she fled the train station.

Political leaders have faced attempts on their lives through all of civilization's ages. Historians traditionally believed statesmen were killed by their opponents, lunatics or those seeking fame. Today, it is known that assassins from the future were responsible for 99 percent of these murders. Man's fate has always been determined by desperate killers from an unimaginable tomorrow, and these terminators caused every major event in human history, from the death of Jesus to the reunion of the Spice Girls.

In the The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, one of the greatest mimeographed fliers in the English language, Edward Gibbon wrote:

The story of its ruin is simple and obvious: assassins from the future.

Despite this, the existence of assassins from the future was controversial until 1950, when famed physicist Enrico Fermi developed "Fermi's paradox." In an address to Oxford University students, the economist said:

Cquote1 If these future assassins exist, where are they? If they can easily travel through the fourth dimension and reach the present time, why haven't they -- AAAAAAAAA!!! Cquote2

Students fled in terror as marines from the year 5287 set Fermi on fire. This was taken as final proof of assassins from the future, and Fermi won a posthumous Nobel Prize in Physics in 1952 for his work. Accepting the prize on his behalf, Fermi's wife was gunned down by marines from the year 5286.

Since Fermi's death, millions of assassins from the future have traveled to the present, hoping to prevent some future catastrophe and find work in the various service sectors of the economy. Assassins from the future are the fourth largest minority group in the United States and have sent 12 representatives and two senators to Congress.

edit Demographics

Assassination4
Massachusetts resistance leader Johnny Cyberjack missed his target, leading to the rise of Rathbone the Vile.

The U.S. Census Bureau says assassins from the future tend to be younger, wealthier and more homicidal than the population as a whole. Most work as resistance fighters, desperate scientists or pawns of madmen from the 31st century. 90 percent settle in rural areas, knowing full well the chaos the City-Eating Kittens of Saturn will create.

Despite the numerous times assassins from the future call home, the four largest groups are:

  • Volunteers. 21 percent of assassins from the future volunteered to step into Dr. Chandrasekhar's Chronotronic Matrix as the robot intelligence pierced the Resistance defenses. Volunteers tend to go into the IT industry, spurred by their technological knowledge and the agonized screams of the doctor as the robots began firing.
  • Elite imperial guards. 12 percent of assassins from the future are here to prevent Baron Pausanias' rebellion against Emperor Padishaw III (Blessed and Holy His Name, My Blood For His Life). The imperial assassins are one of the fastest growing groups in France, as the increasingly paranoid emperor crushes opposition in his time and ours.
  • Sheep "clones." From Brian Trueman's BBC report, March 6, 1997:
People, listen to me! Dolly is not what you think she is! Everyone who knows her mission is dead! Go behind the stables! Close the portal before the flocks come through! Close the portal! Close the --

An explosion rocked the studio, cutting the broadcast and killing Trueman and six BBC technicians. Investigators reported "an unusual amount of wool" at the crime scene.

  • Sexy killers from the future. Assassins from the future are often seen as seductive temptresses in leather jumpsuits who can only complete their mission by having nonstop sex with their prey until they die of a heart attack. This stereotype, propagated by the media and Hollywood, has haunted the assassin community for years: The only confirmed sexy assassin attack took place against former New York governor Nelson Rockefeller in 1979. In reality, lithe and buxom terminatrices who make angry love to their targets until they die of blissful exhaustion are a very tiny proportion of the assassin from the future population. They are, however, the most popular.

Other future assassin subsets include Tau Ceti paratroopers, Mole people, Toyota Priuses (scheduled to achieve self-awareness on August 29, 2019), Dakota Fanning's commandos, and horses.

edit Lifestyle and culture

Assassin2
An assassin family reunion in Youngstown, Ohio.

Assassins from the future are relentless in carrying out their primary objectives, and have been known to destroy rooms, houses and entire dog shows to eliminate their targets. The successful completion of their missions, however, effectively prevent them from returning to their own time, and the killers must assimilate into modern society, enroll in business and real estate courses and become courteously deferential to outsiders.

Not all future assassins make the transition easily. Many assassins will attempt to get rich quick by buying stock or lottery tickets, unaware of the effect of their actions on the timestream. Future assassins purchased millions of dollars in stock in RCA in the 1920s, unaware that the murder of Warren G. Harding effectively prevented research into the Anti-Gravity Musical. The speculation led to the Wall Street Crash of 1929. Upon taking office in 1961, John F. Kennedy introduced the Commodities Act, which banned all Earls of the Canadian Hegemonic Empire from stock-trading.

Many suburbs are uneasy when assassins from the future move in, but 99.9 percent of all assassins from the future find their bloodlust sated after altering the timestream, and enjoy quiet Sundays with family, barbecues, fusion cat races and public sex-a-thons.

edit Societal reaction

Assassination5
Billy, I know you're upset. But you don't know what that dog will do to the president. And what the president will do to dogs. And how the dogs will fight back. And how we'll be trapped in the crossfire.

Assassins from the future have faced hatred and misunderstanding since first appearing at the dawn of time. Demagogues have incited mobs against these time travellers, claiming they threatened the very fabric of society, when they only threaten the ancestors of Dr. Thorvald Blackheart.

Assassins from the future began political organization in the 1840s. In 1848, future assassins and sympathizers gathered in Seneca Falls, New York to draft their "Declaration of Sentiments," arguing "All men, women, people from the future, evolved dogs and alien overminds are created equal." Frances Q-12 Robinson, who killed William Henry Harrison seven years earlier, told the 400 people in attendance that "neither prejudice nor cowardice shall prevent us from taking our rights." While Robinson was later stabbed to death by victims of her great-grandson's solar-powered crotch kicker, the struggle continued. By 1961, 49 states had legalized murder when the future is at stake.

In recent years, multinational corporations have begun exploiting the previously untapped market for assassins from the future. Advertising campaigns targeting ruthless killers from the future now try to tap into this $2 billion a year market:

  • When you've got blood stains from the tyrant, you've got to get Tide.
  • Get a smile as bright as a future without Carmen Electra!
  • Bah-da-bah-bah-bah! I'm killin' it. (McDonalds)
  • Geico. So easy, the backwards denizens of this benighted time could do it.
  • Some things need to be destroyed before revealing their evil purpose. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

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