Assassins from the future
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The term Assassins from the future describes a number of different killers from different times and dimensions who travel to the present to save the future from the horrors of Crab War III, the War of the Successive Succession, the totalitarian dictatorship of Benny Hill and an infinite number of terrifying possibilities. Assassins from the future pray that you never contemplate the horror they can never forget, moments before they blast you into a thick goo.
In 1994, future assassination replaced heart disease as the leading killer in the First World. The American Medical Association says 63 percent of the U.S. population is at risk of being gunned down to stop the rise of a soul-killing dystopia in an unknown time and in an unknown dimension.
Barred from returning to their own times, assassins from the future are one of the fastest growing minority groups in North America and Western Europe. They often face widespread discrimination, particularly in Europe, although the vast majority are harmless once they complete their primary mission and revel in the peace their murderous deed will bring to the world. Relishing the order and sanity of a reality that never bred trilobite slaves, most assassins from the future go into chartered accountancy and embrace a life of calm and quiet. In the United Kingdom, assassins from the future are the Liberal Democrats' biggest constituency.
Political leaders have faced attempts on their lives through all of civilization's ages. Historians traditionally believed statesmen were killed by their opponents, lunatics or those seeking fame. Today, it is known that assassins from the future were responsible for 99 percent of these murders. Man's fate has always been determined by desperate killers from an unimaginable tomorrow, and these terminators caused every major event in human history, from the death of Jesus to the reunion of the Spice Girls.
In the The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, one of the greatest mimeographed fliers in the English language, Edward Gibbon wrote:
The story of its ruin is simple and obvious: assassins from the future.
Despite this, the existence of assassins from the future was controversial until 1950, when famed physicist Enrico Fermi developed "Fermi's paradox." In an address to Oxford University students, the economist said:
|“||If these future assassins exist, where are they? If they can easily travel through the fourth dimension and reach the present time, why haven't they -- AAAAAAAAA!!!||”|
Students fled in terror as marines from the year 5287 set Fermi on fire. This was taken as final proof of assassins from the future, and Fermi won a posthumous Nobel Prize in Physics in 1952 for his work. Accepting the prize on his behalf, Fermi's wife was gunned down by marines from the year 5286.
Since Fermi's death, millions of assassins from the future have traveled to the present, hoping to prevent some future catastrophe and find work in the various service sectors of the economy. Assassins from the future are the fourth largest minority group in the United States and have sent 12 representatives and two senators to Congress.
The U.S. Census Bureau says assassins from the future tend to be younger, wealthier and more homicidal than the population as a whole. Most work as resistance fighters, desperate scientists or pawns of madmen from the 31st century. 90 percent settle in rural areas, knowing full well the chaos the City-Eating Kittens of Saturn will create.
Despite the numerous times assassins from the future call home, the four largest groups are:
- Volunteers. 21 percent of assassins from the future volunteered to step into Dr. Chandrasekhar's Chronotronic Matrix as the robot intelligence pierced the Resistance defenses. Volunteers tend to go into the IT industry, spurred by their technological knowledge and the agonized screams of the doctor as the robots began firing.
- Elite imperial guards. 12 percent of assassins from the future are here to prevent Baron Pausanias' rebellion against Emperor Padishaw III (Blessed and Holy His Name, My Blood For His Life). The imperial assassins are one of the fastest growing groups in France, as the increasingly paranoid emperor crushes opposition in his time and ours.
- Sheep "clones." From Brian Trueman's BBC report, March 6, 1997:
- People, listen to me! Dolly is not what you think she is! Everyone who knows her mission is dead! Go behind the stables! Close the portal before the flocks come through! Close the portal! Close the --
- Sexy killers from the future. Assassins from the future are often seen as seductive temptresses in leather jumpsuits who can only complete their mission by having nonstop sex with their prey until they die of a heart attack. This stereotype, propagated by the media and Hollywood, has haunted the assassin community for years: The only confirmed sexy assassin attack took place against former New York governor Nelson Rockefeller in 1979. In reality, lithe and buxom terminatrices who make angry love to their targets until they die of blissful exhaustion are a very tiny proportion of the assassin from the future population. They are, however, the most popular.
Lifestyle and culture
Assassins from the future are relentless in carrying out their primary objectives, and have been known to destroy rooms, houses and entire dog shows to eliminate their targets. The successful completion of their missions, however, effectively prevent them from returning to their own time, and the killers must assimilate into modern society, enroll in business and real estate courses and become courteously deferential to outsiders.
Not all future assassins make the transition easily. Many assassins will attempt to get rich quick by buying stock or lottery tickets, unaware of the effect of their actions on the timestream. Future assassins purchased millions of dollars in stock in RCA in the 1920s, unaware that the murder of Warren G. Harding effectively prevented research into the Anti-Gravity Musical. The speculation led to the Wall Street Crash of 1929. Upon taking office in 1961, John F. Kennedy introduced the Commodities Act, which banned all Earls of the Canadian Hegemonic Empire from stock-trading.
Many suburbs are uneasy when assassins from the future move in, but 99.9 percent of all assassins from the future find their bloodlust sated after altering the timestream, and enjoy quiet Sundays with family, barbecues, fusion cat races and public sex-a-thons.
Assassins from the future have faced hatred and misunderstanding since first appearing at the dawn of time. Demagogues have incited mobs against these time travellers, claiming they threatened the very fabric of society, when they only threaten the ancestors of Dr. Thorvald Blackheart.
Assassins from the future began political organization in the 1840s. In 1848, future assassins and sympathizers gathered in Seneca Falls, New York to draft their "Declaration of Sentiments," arguing "All men, women, people from the future, evolved dogs and alien overminds are created equal." Frances Q-12 Robinson, who killed William Henry Harrison seven years earlier, told the 400 people in attendance that "neither prejudice nor cowardice shall prevent us from taking our rights." While Robinson was later stabbed to death by victims of her great-grandson's solar-powered crotch kicker, the struggle continued. By 1961, 49 states had legalized murder when the future is at stake.
In recent years, multinational corporations have begun exploiting the previously untapped market for assassins from the future. Advertising campaigns targeting ruthless killers from the future now try to tap into this $2 billion a year market:
- When you've got blood stains from the tyrant, you've got to get Tide.
- Get a smile as bright as a future without Carmen Electra!
- Bah-da-bah-bah-bah! I'm killin' it. (McDonalds)
- Geico. So easy, the backwards denizens of this benighted time could do it.
- Some things need to be destroyed before revealing their evil purpose. For everything else, there's MasterCard.