Assassin's Creed

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Altaïr's so cool, he can push himself off a roof.

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Assassin's Creed is a species of magic mushrooms that can be found in most stores,(even porn stores) due to its popularity. This popularity is achieved because it is published by Ubisoft. Ubisoft, as gamers know is famous for selling its customers magic mushrooms that always never work without error much like its rival Electronic Arts. The Assassins' Creed mushrooms' special effects include getting the user to believe that they are playing a video game where they control video game people who do things that video game people do such as swinging through the air on semen that comes through the wrists or having a gunfight with the entire Nazi army by one's self and winning. There are currently four flavours that are considered part of the chronological order of growth alongside a few deviants.

Each consecutive mushroom adds a number of improvements to the users hallucination such as including a storyline where the user controls video game people who do things that video game people do when they have a story to follow. The hallucinations are described by survivors as being a mixture of third person action-adventure platforming, stealthily killing people unstealthily, stealthily hiding with weapons all over body unstealthily, and another that makes them believe that they are named Desmond Miles and that they can, with the help of a machine called the Animus, read their ancestors minds. The mushrooms have sold over one units and hence is considered a success in the world of video games magic mushrooms.

edit Assassin's Creed

Getting an attack of the munchies can be dealt with via trips to local fast food outlets.

"I only wanted the cool blade, but now I'm missing a finger!"

-Altair on regretting his membership application

The parent plant of this rare species of mushrooms makes the user believe that they are controlling an assassin from the twelfth century who is tasked with killing nine people. As this article shall contain no spoilers, the general story won't be revealed, aside from the crucial fact that Altaïr's master was really sending Altaïr to kill all of the people who discovered the Apple of Eden, with the exception of Al Mualim himself. Altaïr is a llama bin Laden ibn La-Ahad (as users say, although drug addicts can't be trusted), is a guy who likes to run on rooftops. He dresses in a suit of all white with weapons on every inch of his body but shows us why he is a master assassin by demonstrating his skill to walk by guards without raising their suspicion by simply walking slowly as it is a known scientific fact that to outrun the police, you must walk slowly and not run even when there is the entire force behind you. Altaïr likes to run on rooftops because that is what he likes.

Altaïr's master, Al Mualim sent the master assassin to kill these nine people whose names are unpronounceable so that he can control the world all by himself as he was actually a part of their super cool crew that was coolly called the Templars... coolly. When Altaïr killed his super cool buddies he found out his master is a dick comparable to a man's genitals and so he kills him, despite the fact that Al Mualim Al was like, a super sayian. Again this article contains no spoilers. Altaïr was then free to run on all the roofs he wanted.

edit Assassins Creed II

"In Assassin's Creed II, We are presented with a awesome main character whose genitalia will forever remain to his lover/engineer/artist Leonardo da Vinci (sorry ladies!) ~ Leonardo"

-Ezio on 'The end of Assassin's Creed II'

At this point the now famous mushroom was discovered to be an actual game for an actual console (but you can't trust drug addicts).

Desmond, who everybody had seemed to forget mostly because he was a big feline, showed loyal fans of the shrooms that he could indeed fight. But what everyone really wants to hear is about the guy who likes to run on roofs. This time users got to meet another roof runner, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, a young Italian who likes to run on roofs. He also like sex, with Leonardo as an early mission allow the user to press a button to insert Ezio's magic stick in his young female friend which in reality is making the user insert their own dick (or vagina) in their hands...several times. This growth of plant was mostly about Desmond but really, no one cares about a big fat feline(except queers). What everyone wants to do is run on roofs with a guy who likes to run on roofs. And so most people just ran on roofs for the twenty hour long or so story.

edit Assassins Creed Brotherhood

The game features a number of artworks by Venetian artist Leonardo da Vinci.

This is the third variation in Ubisoft's hit franchise where the user is again given the freedom to run on roofs. Ezio has now created a cult of roof runners to run around with him and sexually assault random people on the ground by jumping on them(from various locations). Most of this game is still centered around running on roofs with a stranger that Your mom warned you about. But like every good boy you should disobey your mother's instructions and engage in potentially life threatening activities that you were advised against. Ezio makes a return as the queer man in white who likes to have sex with girls and embarks on a new journey that will take him to places never before seen so that he could run on some more roofs. This third generation of shrooms gave users a more detailed hallucination and story that actually made as much sense as the following sentence "I WANTZ SUM BEEF BUT MAH CHIKINZ R DROWNIN AND I STIL WANTD BEEF BUT CHIKIN SUR DO SUND YUMMHZ ND I WENT TO MAI MOO COW FOR SUM CHIKINZ BUT SHE NO HAS NONE SO I WNT TO MY CHIKENS BUT DEY ALREDEHZ DROWNZ SO NOW I AINT GOT NOEZ CHIKIN." This time, Ubisoft clearly couldn't be bothered to make a proper manual, due to financial problems caused by black ops in Soviet Russia. (Soviet Russia doesn't exist anymore, but they have an Animus, used to simulate killing communists for pleasure.)

Ezio is again able to enjoy his passion of running on roofs.

edit Assassins Creed Revelations

Assassin's Creed Revelations is about now creepy old guy Ezio who likes to run on roofs because he thinks it's cool when old people do crazy things. Ezio is now practicing his hobby of running of roofs and ziplining in Constintanople. Due to fans of the mushrooms lashing out at the concept of running on roofs with creepy old dudes, the mushroom will first be fertilized and injected with goat hormones to make it a better experience for users. The front cover of the newly released mushroom includes examples of buttsecks, and/or surgical conjoinments, while the bottom picture on the back shows some form of domestic abuse.

Again, Ubisoft could not be bothered to make a real manual, this time due to the lack of money used to wipe God's @$$ as he clearly did not want further continuation of the simulation of innocent roof tiles being destroyed by some creepy pervert (and co.)

edit Other Games

Ezio starred in one other game, in which he was the host of family feud and you got assassinated if you lost, this game failed because it showed Ezio out of his element, which is fighting giant dinosaurs and having a girlfriend about a billion years younger than he, which was the cause of the succes of revelations.In "Ezio's Family Feud" the dinosaurs were approximately 6 feet shorter than in other assassins creed games, causing loads of refunds. It just wasn't my thing.-Ezio