Asperger Syndrome
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Go away, you're standing in my aura.”
Asperger Syndrome is a new version of ADHD, made up by attention whore mothers wishing for another disease to add to the already made-up list they have bestowed upon their poor children. Aspergers is also a semi-voluntary behavioural disorder in the guise of a more serious and involuntary neurodevelopmental disability. The horrible consequences of Asperger Syndrome include: not making small talk, tendency to think for yourself against the herd, and high intelligence. Completely opposite the language issues common to Autism, those afflicted with Asperger Syndrome are linguistically verbose, to the point of vexation.
Statistically it affects an undue number of radio talk show hosts and Hollywood actors, though it has yet to be determined whether the behavior guides ultimate vocation, or whether the condition results from prolonged exposure to ego-stroking. Some theorists believe that the entire Japanese people suffer from Asperger's Syndrome because of their tendency to stay emotionally detached in all situations except seppuku.
Contents |
Origin
Asperger Syndrome was invented by Dr. Josh Darrison, PhD, MD, DDM, DVS, Esq, III. Also as a way to explain his sons' and sons' other sons inability to achieve indifference amongst other members of society. Soon after his initial publications on Asperger Syndrome, other doctors and psychologists began agreeing on the legitimacy of this new disorder, seeing as how a person obviously can't be creative or intellectual without having a disorder to explain it. Upon realization of this, most whiny 12 year olds criticize people with Aspergers in order to make up for the fact that they themselves suck ass, don't have a life, and aren't nearly as talented as those who do have Aspergers.
Classification and diagnosis
Asperger Syndrome is defined in section 299.80 of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) by the following criteria:
- Voluntary impairment in social interaction;
- The presence of expected, repetitive and stereotyped behaviors and interests;
- Significant impairment in "giving a shit";
- No significant delay in inappropriate language;
- No significant delay in cognitive development, self-help skills, or adaptive behaviors (other than social interaction); and,
- The symptoms must not be better accounted for by another specific pervasive developmental disorder or schizophrenia.
Asperger Syndrome is specifically an autism mimicry disorder (AMD), one of five assumed conditions characterized by moderate to severe self-obsession. Alleged sufferers are characterized by average intellect but poor social skills, with the perception of others as pawns, pissants, or items of decor — existing either as the obstacles or the means to an end.
Research
Behavioural
Study into the validity of the disorder began with simple observation and notation of the behaviours of those identified by peers as potentially afflicted. In order to complete a true clinical trial, a sample of over 300 Asperger sufferers were identified and thrown into a small, empty swimming pool.
The observation log is as follows:
- 0-15 minutes — Subjects scattered to separate parts of the pool, ignoring each other but talking to (or about) themselves. Some remained mostly still while thinking of deep philosophical contemplation, while others gestured dramatically as they spoke to others, like they were performing a Shakespeare play.
- 16-30 minutes — Subjects slowly started gathering into the middle, talking and mumbling things about "Space-time paradoxes" and "Youth rights movements." Later, after reading about what they were in 18 century textbooks, the "Scientists" confirmed this was nothing more than mindless dribble, just like Global warming and Dinosaurs
- 31-45 minutes — The Aspies are sitting around, cooperating like a functioning Anarchy. After coming to a conclusion that the experiment did absolutely nothing, starting rioting, demanding freedom and cancellation of the project. After a 10 minute coffee break, the scientists ignored the ramblings and let the Aspies out.
- 46-60 minutes — The subjects are immensely pissed off at the supervisors for having ignored their call. As such, they organized into a union at the last few minutes and sued the research lab conducting it. The researchers each went to prison for 10 years seeing as how the whole project did nothing for those with Aspergers. The Aspies then dispersed with their compensation money of $25,000 each, off to start programs such as Arts, Space-time paradox theories, youth rights, and Space-time paradox youth rights theories for the Arts.
Conclusion
CAUSES: Still unknown, but a strong theory exists in parent's "Internal Clock" such as having children in their 30's-40's may cause the offspring to have aspergers.
TREATMENT: There is no cure for aspergers, however, people with aspergers can still lead a normal life with the exception of being brainwashed by the media and being picked on by losers who wish they DID have aspergers so at least they could have an excuse for them being different. (However "different" doesn't always mean "better.")
FOR MORE INFORMATION about information in Asperger Syndrome, consult MSNBC, because they know alot about aspergers.
Other related disorders
Many scientists also suspect a link between Asperger Syndrome and the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) with which it shares a similar concentration fatigue. Exposed to emotional stress, ADHD sufferers become unfocused and dramatically outwardly overacting in response to complete bullshit, such as Faux news and conformism.
