Ask Jeeves
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I asked Jeeves a question once. He only went and left me at the alter.”
“For the last time, I'm not gay!”
“What ever happened to Jeeves?”
“Did you mean: Google”
“Did you mean: Google”
“Jeeves makes my butler look like a stud by comparison!”
“ASK HIM!!!”
“Because 7 is a well known rapist.”
Of unknown origin, Jeeves was found on the doorstep of a quaint orphanage in the Commonwealth of Kentuckistan, by a passerby named Harlem Wikipedia who proceeded to take the young Jeeves back to his gritty apartment in the City. Jeeves was only permitted to live, as he was greatly skilled in opening doors and serving drinks.
edit The Origin of Ask Jeeves
By the age of 19 Jeeves' master Harlem was a billionaire due to the massive success of his website Wikipedia. Harlem had, in fact, changed his name to Wikipedia and had adopted the form of the Wikipedia's logo, the big, ball, jigsaw, thingy; the idea for which he plagiarized from Uncyclopedia. At 25, Wikipedia fatefully agreed to go for a drink with Jeeves, where Jeeves drugged, caged, and cleaned out Wikipedia, leaving him with nothing but his backup files. Wikipedia managed to escape from his cage using some lock picking advice submitted by johnyboy3118. Jeeves set up his own site, with all this information, but due to his terrible ability to apply knowledge he was run into the ground by the much bigger, stronger Google. Jeeves now spends his days standing on the front page of www.ask.com letting visitors know whether it is Morning, Afternoon or Evening.
edit The Downfall
After the public realized that Jeeves had never once helped one person, Jeeves was forced into early retirement by a group of high-level executives. This created a Major backlash with Jeeves advising people to kill their families and Feed baking soda to pigeons. Recent surveys shown that only 10% of Americans that received advice like this didn't carry it out. The rest are now serving time in prisons and/or animal rights classes.
Jeeves didn’t take his retirement well, after appearing in a few short documentaries about him and his life entitled, Jeeves: the man behind the suit, he suffered a mental breakdown. He spent most of his depleting millions on women, cars and alcohol, then he squandered the rest. Next, he shocked the world with the adoption of three sets of Siamese twins.
Soon it was apparent that Jeeves wasn’t a fit father so his children and the mantle of Father Christmas were both taken from him. This was the last straw for Jeeves and a rampage of epic search engine proportions ensued. He stuck back into ask Jeeves HQ and using his amazing knowledge of childish pranks used ask Jeeves autocorrect to make it so if anyone was to type the word "and" into ask Jeeves it would automatically change to the word "gay". Soon up and down the country people making image searches were confronted with images of sodomy.
This little prank landed Jeeves some hard time in prison, where his suit and clean-cut hair made him one of the prisons "Biatches". Upon his release he swore he would change and using his knowledge of everything to better the world and create a more wholesome environment for the 3 or 6 (depending on how you count them) Siamese kids he left behind.
To this day he is still not done anything beyond shoo a vulture away from a man with no arms or legs.
edit Trivia
- Jeeves was supposedly killed by the algorithm.
- He is not gay, except on Thursdays, and he prefers the term jovial.
- All his life Jeeves has been hoarding Banana bread in the hope of one day using it to resurrect zombie Hitler.
- Jeeves hates corny references to other articles.
- Jeeves also hates passive aggressive bitches.
- Jeeves has eleven webbed toes.
- Jeeves has no last name, a fact that stops him from international travel, though he found a way round this by buying his own airport.
- Jeeves once traveled through time and saw his own death. He is quoted on the matter saying it was "Fan-fucking-AMAZING!"
- Jeeves was secretly into emo music.
