Asif Ali Zardari
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(Pictured lying, as his mouth is open)
|Order||11th President of Pakistan|
|Vice President||Rehman Malik|
|Term of office||Benazir's Death–Bilawal's Puberty|
|Preceded by||Pervez Musharraf|
|Political party||Pakistan People's Party|
|Date of birth||July 26, 1955|
|Place of birth||Bambino Family Theatre|
|Date of death|
|Place of death|
“His peasant charm interests me, strangely.”
“Her peasant charm interests me, strangely.”
“You were my brother, Leghari, you shoulda looked out for me. I coulda been a contender, I coulda been somebody.”
“Asif's led a colourful life financially.”
“"Zardari ko pakadna mushkil nahi namumkin hai" ”
Asif "Ali" Zardari (pron: 'kủ.tã) (Urdu: آصف علی زرداری; Sindhi: زرداري کھپے; born 26 July 1955) is a wealthy Pakistani entrepreneur and former husband, who also happens to be the 11th President of Pakistan and Goodwill Ambassador to Switzerland. His interests have ranged from failing at combating militancy to safeguarding his empire of unregistered businesses and charities. He has a distinguished record of unproven felonies and an amateur polo handicap of -2. Zardari is among the few Pakistani heads of state, the others being Nawaz Sharif and Pervez Musharraf, to have held office since 1972 and not been assassinated or executed. He is similarly adept at smiling.
A Bambino in Bambino
Born in between the mild 1950s to a compassionate feudal family, Zardari studied at Petaro Cadet College as a boy. Officially, Zardari has stated he also attended the fictional London School of Economics and Business. Thoroughly uneducated, Zardari worked as a discerning film critic and theatre operator at his father's aptly named Bambino Cinema in Karachi, often vending tickets for Anjuman double-features at rockbottom prices. He gained recognition for his portrayal of Grimy Child in the Waheed Murad flick Salgirah, a clip of which can be seen here. Such cavalier accomplishments impressed leading politician Benazir Bhutto enough to marry him in 1986.
Pakistan's first First Husband, Zardari initially received attention during the 1990s as a businessman specializing in ethical trading with foreign multinationals, often at 10% subsidies. Subject to a vast right-wing conspiracy in 1996, Zardari was imprisoned for eight years on a multitude of worrying charges. He was released in 2004, his sole achievement that resembled graduation. Following his wife's assassination in 2007, Asif Zardari adopted the hitherto unknown middle name "Ali" which aged his money further, stopped dying his moustache ebony, rechristened his children Bhutto-Zardaris, bequeathed himself his wife's victorious political party, and assumed the presidency in decreasing order of importance. His inauguration was attended by the only luminary held in greater esteem by the world, Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan.
Most Corrupt Person in the history of Earth
Commonly known as Mr 10%. He started his carrier selling tickets in black at Bambino cinema Karachi and now before the President of Pakistan with all hooks ant crooks. He has an estimated $2 billions looted money in various banks in Europe, Middle East and America.
See also: Inflation
A combination of dead in-laws and paranoia confines Zardari to the presidential residence for sustained periods of time, where he continues to have goats sacrificed daily, and groom his at-best metrosexual son for high office. He was accused of being a Numbskull by British diplomats in WikiLeaks cables, even though their electorate went on to elect David Cameron and Nick Clegg. He has staffed his government with saintly aides such as Rehman Malik and a lady doctor with Tourette's. Zardari's allies include the ANP (an anti-Muhajir party of Pashtuns) and the MQM (an anti-Pashtun party of Muhajirs), thus advancing the cause of Pakistani nationhood. His tenure is known for greater American recognition of Pakistan's sovereignty as well as economic growth.
In a notable masterstroke, Zardari diverted the nation's attention from mass floods in 2010 by frolicking in Europe at the same time. He called on British Prime Minister David Cameron so the world might contrast Cameron's toff-like manner with Zardari's more homely brand of gauche new money, but his plan failed when the media caught him visiting his surprisingly refined château in France. During the same trip, he was mistaken for George W. Bush in Birmingham and hurled a shoe at.
Zardari's inept management of counter-terrorism disqualified him as a potential playable character that fights zombies in first-person shooter video game Call of Duty. In 2011, Zardari scored a vital breakthrough by tracking down the location of Osama bin Laden a few hours after his killing.