From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| This article is a flimsy excuse to get pictures of tits on Uncyclopedia. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
There is no such thing as an Asian woman with blonde hair and blue eyes, which means that the valley girl or Essex girl culture does not exist in the same fashion as it does in western countries, however be warned the Gyaru (ギャル?) culture is still alive and well.
One thing is clear: the Asian Woman has only one goal in life - to please.
Asian women are interested in meeting men from around the world and want to have your baby, especially a handsome sexy person like you! All you need to impress an Asian woman is a credit card with a significantly large credit limit! This will make them very happy and they will giggle a lot, which is as cute as a boatload of kittens going over Niagara Falls on a dare.
Asian women consume less red meat than their Caucasian counterparts, and so have a lower hip fracture rate than western women. They are often "fit" (attractive), and can be classified as "spinners" (petite). But they still have better breasts than any other woman, unless they are from another planet, or dimension, or universe.
Some white men are afflicted with a terrible infection called yellow fever. Those who suffer from this tragic affliction see Asian women as the supreme creation of Goddess. Oftentimes they also see them as passive objects that they can dominate, or maybe just women who can screw really well and enjoy an exotic dinner, often at the same time.
Political influence of Asian women
The political influence of Asian women is well documented, from the Indonesian trained courtesan Mata Hari, often seen as the archetypal Femme Fatale, to Empress Xiao-Qin Ci-Xi Duan-You Kang-Yi Zhao-Yu Zhuang-Cheng Shou-Gong Qin-Xian Chong-Xi Pei-Tian Xing-Sheng Xian (孝欽慈禧端佑康頤昭豫莊誠壽恭欽獻崇熙配天興聖顯皇后), also known as Empress Dowager Cixi, who effectively ruled the Chinese Empire for 50 years.
Mao said, in his speech "Spread Legs and The Cultural Revolution: A Chinese Woman’s Duty", "Men are paper tigers. It is a Chinese Chick’s Socialist duty is to control and dominate her man; her man's balls firmly in her purse. Western women poisoned with the imperialist lie of feminism are like running dogs and are weak. What is a true bastion of Iron? It is the masses, the millions upon millions of hot, horny Chinese Chicks—this is the great People's Liberation Army. Such an army will be invincible! Your Twat-Cum-Fu will overpower and annihilate the. American men are ripe for the picking. Political power grows in the warm, wet and tight Tunnel Of Love and your Tunnels are like no other! Your Peach is more powerful than opium and can be used to control your man. Look hot, ladies, and hook foreign men with virtue, love and kinky sex. Your sugarcoated bullets will defeat them. The People's Liberation Army of Hot Chinese Chicks has an indomitable spirit and it is determined to vanquish all enemies and never to yield. If a woman fails in this duty it disrupts Party unity and she becomes an enemy of the people. Therefore if she fails she must drown herself seven times and then hang herself, as she is unfit as a Chinese woman."
Asian women know how not to question the commands of persons in authority and yet remain completely in control. In fact, in many Asian cultures, an Asian woman feels greatly shamed if she loses control of her man. Hence, instead of speaking out, she will keep her feelings locked up deep inside of her and control him with her cum fu. This is generally very effective.
Asian women varietals
Chinese women, especially the Mongolian variety, are the best choice if you love a tiger in the bed. Just remember to stay in charge and not get intimidated in the bedroom; sex is a battle, and the Chinese invented 孫子兵法 "sun zi bing fa" The Art of War. Chinese chicks generally keep their snatches squeaky clean, however they don't shave their under-arm hair.
In China you can get a massage, a foot massage, a shampoo, visit a KTV club all with a happy ending. Every hotel in China has a special floor, from that floor you get a phone call and the chick says 您喜欢按摩吗？ "nin xi huan anmo ma?" (Would you like a massage?). She really wants to come up and 打炮 "da pao" (blow your cannon). Asian chicks have a serious "white fetish" fixation. Many will get round eye surgery. They like doggy style sex, but don’t like to be thought of as dogs. Chinese chicks can be quite scandalous.
Chinese chicks marry you at the drop of a hat even if they are already married and will pester you about your "single certificate" (dan shen zheng ming 单身证明), in fact these are the first words hopeful parents teach their young Chinese daughters.
In China a date can consist of a half dozen chicken feet and a bottle of beer. Just be ready for an all-nighter. Chinese chicks always say "我爱你 wo I knee, I lob you". In China pussy is being given away like it's free. Mothers will push their young hot daughters on you. They will do everything they can to get you guys banging each other. Don’t miss out on all the hot young noodle house girls. High school teachers can bang all the hot young pussy they want. When Nixon wasn't shooting hippies for sport, he went to China and taught Chinese chicks the hippie peace sign. Something they all do to this day :) Thanks Tricky Dick!
At the Sheraton in Beijing it will be thick with aggressive starved vampire women waiting to pounce on you. Something to be seen once then avoided. The Hard Rock Café and the many other nightclubs up and down North Dongsanhuan Road you can hook up with the local college girls. Nothing here in America can quite prepare you for the onslaught of pussy in China. Chinese chicks have no problem drinking. In a nightclub they will play paper, rock, scissors with you for shots. At every table there will be dice. Yep you guessed it: they shoot dice with you for shots. And they do this hand adding game 猜拳 "cai quan" (literally means guess the fist - not to be confused with "chi chuan" which means "eat river") for shots, you will have no problems recognizing this as it is quite loud and the most popular of all hand games played for shots of booze.
Caution: Don’t let her get too drunk as she won't make it to your room and you will have to get another one, not like there will be a shortage. Just get two and consider the second one like a spare tire in case one of them passes out. Better yet don't let them have their way with you, say you are a virgin, have a vow of celibacy and do not drink.
Recall the words carved into the Great Wall of China: "I love Chinese, they throw baby girls in the seas, or let them work in the rice patties."
Korean women are recognizable by a face which resembles the Chinese, mixed in with a culture that makes their nature manipulative, violent and if you get the chemistry right "hot".
Say "you're very pretty" to a Chinese woman and the Chinese woman will politely thank you and walk away with a smile on her face. Say the same thing to a Korean woman, and you will be told where and how to take your pointless flirts somewhere else because you're broke.
South Korean women are very materialistic and can be sometimes excellent cooks, while North Korean women are terrible cooks. North Korean chicks immigrate nowhere because they can never leave, while South Korean chicks immigrate to Michigan, New York and Los Angeles.
North Korean chicks are highly disciplined, extremely dominant, meth addicted, goose stepping girls with an other worldly air about them. They are usually starving and only know songs about Kim Jong-un. They can't even spell there own names. Kim Jong-un decreed execution for offenses of sexual harassment. They are also known for their ability to breathe fire from their mouth. Approach at your own risk.
Japanese life is mostly filled with hard work and those who are lazy cannot fit into society, and as a result Japanese women always work hard. In the recent years their population have taken a more inclusive outlook on women now they even have female politicians like Yuri Fujikawa, and Miss Universe 2007 Riyo Mori, who was the first East-Asian to win in a long time.
Japanese women are of the most educated Asian Chicks in the world, and they like fact that British men have the modern attitude. Japanese women like to wear small shoes and have incredible high-fashion trends. They also have small eyes, small height and large credit card debts. This trend has been supported by the legislation fat chicks have been outlawed in Japan. They are also crazy drivers and have black belts in the art of dorifuto soko.
But most importantly, Japanese women need to have dangly things on their cell phones. Japanese women are leading the way in forest protection, as the evidence is clear in their nether regions.
When not dressed in geisha outfits, they are wear plaid schoolgirl skirts and pony tails. However, some have the tendency to stroll the streets nude, making guys on the street stop to masturbate.
Sexually, they're very kinky and can masturbate for a long, long time. They are cursed and cannot control themselves. They will have sex with anyone they can, anywhere they can, and as often as possible. They might even come to you and suck your dick automatically. Pray to Buddha that you will meet a Japanese woman. The most attractive thing about them is the child-like vacant look in their eyes. And if you end up going out with one, remember that every time they get another credit card to max out they have multiple orgasms. The more debt they have the harder they cum.
Even though they are known to be communist (thus, if an American marries one, he will be sacrificed to Cthulhu), the phenomena of lady-boys is an extreme rarity, since altering their sexual organs can be considered punishable by death.
Vietnamese girls have been raped and fucked up tiger-style by the Chinese for almost over 1,000 years when the Chinese ruled and banged them night and day for centuries, so they mostly look Chinese. But in the classroom they fall behind Chinese (foreign born or adopted), Japanese (foreign or adopted) but are far ahead of Filipina chicks (foreign or adopted). If raised in the US, however, they are far smarter than all the others.
Indian subcontinental women
Hailing from the Indian subcontinent (India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh), subcontinental women have a slightly more hairy pubis than other Asian chicks - heck they're like your own mini fur-ball. However, since they also have biggest round tits and asses in Asia it's your call. But remember, if you like it furry and sweaty, they're the perfect bed warming toy, though they do tend to have excessive sweating and may the stink of a rhinoceros farting into a turdsickle.
Thai chicks are well known for being very exotic. However, they are one of the easiest to capture as they compete with the red light alley women, and need you to fork up the cash, or you're out. You shouldn't feel upset about having to pay for their affections, however; That income supports their friends, family and as well as that kid that they say is yours.
If you get one, hold onto her. They are known to run away after a with no explanation, but if you manage to get one to stick with you the benefits are infinite. They know skills in bed that are ancient secrets of Asia, and they don't have a lot else to practice on either, they live in Thailand. That place is practically a jungle. Again, try and get one of these, the small slender bodied Thai girl has been known to lure in a man and devour his income and give him unimaginable pleasure and leaving without him knowing for a second what the hell just happened.
Filipina's "pek peks" (happy holes) are in urgent need of injection. If you're lucky enough to snag a really pretty Filipina, chances are they're into you for the money or they've got a ulterior motive.
All of them are anal virgins and all of them also have a picture or image of the Virgin Mary. Once they have broken that drought, however, they're also the best at anal sex, and they'll fuck till you go blind. The Philippines has one of the largest standing professional female sex armies in Asia, and their services can be rented for a small fee. Filipinas are experts at getting pregnant; It is impossible to fuck them without cumming hard deep inside them. This proves that birth control does not work in the Philippines. Filipina prostitutes have an inferiority complex because all the other Asian chicks consider them to be of the lower class, because many Filipina chicks have some Spanish ancestry back from that really brief time when Spain had the Armada and their navy sailed all over and fucked all the hot chicks. They make up for this by collecting lots of sexy heels
Surgeon General's Warning on Asian Women
Although Asian Women seem alluring and very friendly when you first meet them, this is nothing more than a front to "Sucker you in to the spiral of doom and eternal damnation". It is a scientific fact that Asian Women are able to make anything with a penis go through living hell, within a 20 foot radius. Anything further than that will be cut off from the base and left in an amount of pain that cannot be adequately described due to the limitations of language and the legal ramifications relating to appropriate content.
All Asian Women through genetic disposition have a 5 year plan hardwired into their brains to turn your happy life into a living hell, by draining your life force. A wise man by the name of Master Wu (A lesser known friend of Sun Tzu) in the 4th Century BC states that "Asian Women are indeed a beautiful flower.... just like a Venus Fly Trap". With indisputable proof from the archives of the Vatican and the lost books in the Dead Sea Scrolls, scholars now believe that the Huns and Mongols were driven to invaded the Middle East and Eastern Europe to escape from Asian chicks. .....