Asian Black Bear

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Asian Black Bear
Giant panda at Vienna Zoo (cropped)
Scientific classification
Kingdom Asia
Phylum Chordata
Class Warrior/Thief/Assassin
Order Beararchy
Family Teddy Bear, Polar Bear & Bipolar Bear[1]
Genus Ursus
Species Ursus Eximius-vir
Binomial name
Primary armament Super-strength Jaw Bite
Secondary armament Super-strength bitch slap
Power supply Bio-regenerative Chemical Reactor
Health Does not anticipate being hit
Mana Does not need mana
Strength of a bear!
Intelligence more than <insert name here>
Weight a freakin' ton
Length very... long
Special attack SUPER BEAR MAUL
Conservation status
None whatsoever[3]
“A hero; not the hero that we deserved, but the hero that we needed. So we’ll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector, an Asian Black Bear.”
~ Batman on being replaced by a bear.

The Asian Black Bear (Ursus Eximius-vir), bears a white crescent "V" emblem on his chest, as well as sporting Mickey Mouse ears after losing his in an unfortunate accident.

edit Birth

Giant panda at Vienna Zoo (cropped)

Asian Black Bear's depressed mom, shortly before her suicide

Asian Black Bear was born into a family of panda bears. His overall black appearance was not well received by the rest of the community, and he was separated from the rest of the clan. His mother, unable to bear with the accusations, fell into depression, and committed suicide. His grandfather, the wise and noble Giant panda, pointed to Asian's chest and the small patch of whiteness on his chest, and declared him a panda

edit Childhood

As any watcher of cheesy 80s movies will know[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], a black kid growing up in a black-white neighbourhood will have it tough growing up. Even so, Asian Black Bear persisted and learned all the arts of a ninja from his grandfather, the wise and venerable Giant panda[4]

edit Youth

Giant Panda Tai Shan

Giant panda, using an improvised bamboo flute to bleed his enemy's brains out through their ears and nose

In his youth, Asian was trained vigorously by his grandfather. Various balance training involves snakes, pits of sharpened stakes, pits of Sharpies, pits, of snakes, pits of a Luxan, armpits, and pits. It is, however, a pity that he is never allowed to piss when he is training over the pits for fear of spit, for he was not told the tips.

edit Approaching Adulthood

Asian started to develop his personality and street cred at this stage of life. He started listening to gangsta rap, packing a piece and walking with a swagger. He even started asking his friends to call him DJ AB Bear. Despite all this, he failed to attract any bitches because he is too black.[citation needed]

edit Pre-Adulthood

12-cub on tree

Asian Black Bear, suspended over various dangers during training.

After developing his emo style, DJ AB Bear started downloading music from teh interweb, much to the chagrin of his grandfather, who claimed that music will only bring evil to the clan. Meanwhile Asian Black Bear continued his activity, culminating in him mastering the art of pirating.

edit Near Adulthood

Tragedy struck one day in the Panda community, when poachers came with guns and traps to hunt down Pandas for alleged copyright infringement. Citing infringement on Mickey's Ears™, the poachers hunted down the pandas to near extinction and drove the survivors out of their preferred habitats into zoos. Asian Black Bear was captured by an elite task force lead by a Man that thought they were dealing with terrorist.[5] Jack Bauer, remorseful that he mistakenly killed all of Asian Black Bear's family, decided to teach all the skills Jack used in CTU.

edit On the Verge of Adulthood

After training several years with God, Asian Black Bear decided to finally get his revenge. He tattooed his chest with a symbol of "V", which he believed meant vengeance[citation needed]. He marched solo up to RIAA's headquarters all alone, by himself and single-handedly got his ass handed to him with no other allies around him[6]. In response RIAA officials fined him $200/song and tried to lock him up. He escaped after wrestling the security guards, but due to fear of further copyright infringement, he refrained from making any Braveheart references.

edit Cusp of Adulthood


Asian Black Bear, eating lead

Running from the law, Asian Black Bear covered up his trail by assuming several pseudonyms, like Asian B. Bear or A. Black Bear. The RIAA sent assassins to kill him

edit See also

edit Footnotes

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Asian black bear.
  1. Gotcha!
  2. This bear could be gay
  3. To the point of being being dangerous to other species
  4. Although many question the absence of his father when he is growing up, nobody cares!
  5. Suffice to say that over the next 24 hours, the Man kicked RIAA's ass
  6. Redundancy
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